Master of the Flying Guillotine
“Here’s fine” The nasally voice said.
The grip on his arms loosened and he slipped the grip like a runny egg. Snow crunching under his knees, the cold rushing all around his neck. The wind was picking up and his body heat was creeping away to warmer climbs.
“Do you know who I am?” The nasal voice said,
TJ felt a little dizzy, suffering some advance head rush. He hung his head and breathed in and out slow, his greasy black hair draped across his face. They’d taken him around the side alley of the army navy store, in the relative privacy, sandwiched between two frozen stucco walls. It was too dark and there were no security lights or cars passing who could see a thing.
“Garylynn” The girl with green hair said.
A giant hand with delicately painted and manicured fingernails wrapped around TJ’s neck. Squeezing all his chins into one purple and red mess, lifting him off the ground.
That woke him up, his eyes were wide and frantic now and he kicked away at nothing clawing at the huge and well kept fingers gripping his neck. His vision in and out he looked at the giant that had him. It was some kind of woman, maybe seven, eight foot tall. A long blonde wig, hiding bright round eyes and lots of caked on make up, an adam’s apple sharp enough to poke your eye out.
“I have your attention now?” The nasal voice said. The fat girl with the green hair didn’t get a response and nodded angrily at the behemoth that had a hold of TJ. The monster squeezed. “Yes?”
“Errrgh Y-es” TJ croaked and coughed.
“Why did you approach me?” She asked.
“I- thought- you were- someone else”. He coughed.
“Sunday?” The fat girl laughed and said “So you’re her little fanboy huh?” She got close and looked him up and down with a crick in her smirk “Well now you’ll be mine because I’m here to replace that skank and I’m ten times the woman she was.” She said rolling her head back and forth completely lacking self awareness.
TJ coughed out a hoarse laugh.
“What’s so funny fat boy? Huh?” She screeched getting too close, spitting in his eye. She smelled like cotton candy and sweaty packaged ham. “You know who I am?” She clicked her fingers and the monster loosened it’s grip dropping TJ in the snow again, the cold setting in fast to his knees through the thin sweat pants.
“Juanita, we can’t stay out here, it’s gonna start soon, we need a place to hold up and report in.” The purple haired girl with the nose ring whined stepping forward in the snow in her knee high boots.
“Oh well thanks Jaclyn, you just fucked up my whole introduction” The fat girl barked back at the purpled haired girl, Jaclyn. She turned back to TJ and looked down at him and shrugged. “Guess the cats out of the bag now. I’m ‘the’ Juanita Horker. You might have heard of me. I created an algorithym on twitter that blocks shitlords from seeing any of your posts. Thus saving the internet from people with the wrong opinions.” She said. This is Jaclyn Case” She said pointing at the Purple haired girl “A blogger and tech expert.” She turned to the short haired masculine girl in the tank top under the winter coat and said “Rochelle ‘Roch’ Edwards, feminist and mma fighter”. She turned again and the black girl with orange dreadlocks. She stepped forward with her arms folded at a slanted angle like a 90’s breakfast cereal supervillain. “Blaque Kat, proud woman of colour, queer ‘af’ author and blogger.” She came forward after all the introductions were done and put her hand on the huge misshapen arm of the monster seething in front of TJ. “And you’ve already met Garylynn Smalls. Trans-activist and spokesperson for our group; Women against zombie profliferation WAZP for short.”
“Jaclyn’s right, we don’t have time for this, we’ve got a job to do.” Roch said, the veins on her neck popping up like the strings in a piano, accompanied by overly verbose hand gestures.
“Well I’m the boss of this group and I say, this fat retard has information we need on the skinny green haired bitch, ok” Juanita whined.”
“Who died and made you boss?” Kat said turning her head incredulous. “And I hate that fucking name.”
“Also ‘retard’ is really ableist Nita” Jaclyn said verbally frying all over the show gripping her laptop case to her chest.
Garlyn towered over TJ saying nothing, could it even speak? it breathed in and out seething, laboured breathes like that of a bulldog interbred to fight but not to breath correctly. It’s eyes burning like white hot coals behind the veil of blonde hair hanging mask like. The creature was wearing a custom pink jacket and a long fleural dress that did nothing to extenuate it’s boxy almost full size wardrobe shape. Two hard mounds that could have been breasts or medicine balls.
TJ couldn’t take his eyes off it. He didn’t want to move fearing he might trigger a boss fight and it might throw it’s clothes off and grow tentacles. His mind then trailing off to hentai and then a large round blimp filled up his vision and a shrill voice. A fat hand slapped him across the face and his eyes rolled in his head.
“Where is she?” Juanita croaked.
“Who?” TJ said as an instant reaction.
“Sunday, you know her, she’s here isn’t she?” She screeched.
TJ shook his head, his greasy hair shaking solid almost strawlike. “She’s dead, I saw it.” He said.
“That’s not possible” Juanita said.
“Nita, we can’t stay out here, shit is about to get too real, we stay out here, monster or not we’re gonna be in trouble.” Roch said.
“Did you just call Garylynn a monster?” Juanita bounced up her belly lagging as she moved. “I’ll have you know she’s a stunning and brave woman and you better respect her. She’s programmed to follow my orders and if I say so I’ll have her pull your arms off and fuck you with them.”
“Guys, guys, we need to work together, we can’t fall apart.” Jaclyn said.
“Fuck this Sunday bitch, she’s not why we’re here” Kat said.
Roch stepped up to TJ and squatted next to him. Her face was drawn and plain without make up, cigarrete scarred at the corner of her mouth. “He’s seen our faces and he knows our names, shit you might as well monologue our whole plan.” Roch said as she looked back at them jockeying to tear eachother apart. She turned back to TJ to look into his eyes. “We gotta kill him”.
“She’s right” Kat said looking at Juanita who scowled at her but couldn’t disagree.
“Fine fine fine! I’ll find her on my own and then we’ll settle things.” Juanita said as she walked towards TJ, smiling. “Garylynn, would you kindly tear off this fat boys head and kicked it down the street like a soccer ball?”
“YES, RIP, TEAR, KILL.” The thing responded, moving robotically, rising to it’s full height of around nine feet tall. It’s shadow engulfing TJ and Roch. Roch smiled at the monster coming and then at TJ.
“Well it’s been fun kid” Roch said as she hopped out of the way.
TJ swallowed dry, his throat felt scarred and lined with razor blades after just a minute of having his larynx massaged by the lovely Garylynn. Maybe it would be quick, quicker than someone in an isis video at least, maybe having your head ripped off by a giant monster tranny wasn’t that bad.
The monster got close enough for him to smell it’s breath, like raw meat and babyfood. It was hot almost like steam, swirling all around his head, almost pleasant. He squeezed his eyes shut and made a stupid face and at the very last moment he could hear a strange whirring whupping sound like a helicopter blade.
An orange light on the wall span silently as the back up generator kicked on at the Whitefish police department.
“What the fresh child fuck was that?” The chief squealed.
“Powers out, back up generator must have kicked in” Ricky said.
“Yeah that was one of those ‘rhetorical questions’ Ricky, ones you don’t really need to answer, I can see the fucking powers out, ok. I wanna know why, Carl, what about the phones?” The chief pointed at a skinny dispatcher in a short sleeved button shirt sitting behind a desk trying to be invisible. Who up until that moment was feeling comfortable in the dim back up lighting of the generator.
“Err” The dispatcher said feeling exposed and naked. “We did have reports of phonelines going down and there was a weird smell coming from the convention centre. Mr’s Abernathy was complaining about unmarked trucks blocking off the exit to the highway, like she ever leaves the house am I right?” He said looking around to see who smirked. No one smirked. “Also my Chief name isn’t ‘Carl’ It’s actually ‘Coral’.”
The chief rubbed his temples and said “I’m surrounded by idiots.”
Bobby came running into the room panting “Chief you’re not gonna believe this but the north bridge out of town just collapsed and there’s a fire at the plant”
“Chief we’re getting in some weird reports of giant stuffed animals killing folks near the convention centre – oh and there go the phone lines.” Coral said.
“So you’re telling me all the ways out of town are blocked, the phones and the power are down and there are killer plushies on the street? What about the cells, those are secure right?”
“Oh yeah they’re not even on the grid, just basic lock and key you know, nothing fancy.” Ricky said.
“Right, right” The chief with his head in his hands.
“Chief, what should we do?” Bobby said, a hoarse whisper in his voice as if he was ready to play hide and seek.
The chief hiked up his pants over his round fupa and crinkled the corner of his mouth touching his chin with a gun shaped hand as if he was trying to think. “We sit tight, lock this place down and wait for the national guard. Whatever this is, full blown raghead apocalypse or just some stupid prank got out of hand, we’ll be ready.”
“You want us to just stick our thumbs up our asses and wait?” Ricky objected. Throwing his hand out as if he was addressing a roman colliseum as he said “There are people out there counting on us! People who expect us to be there to protect them and you just want to hide in here like a little pus-“
Ricky was cut off by a colt python blowing off the top of his head.
The chief holstered the gun on his distended gun belt and said breathily “Any one else wanna be a hero?”
Bobby and Coral both shook their heads as they cleared brains off themselves respectively.
The rest of the office pretended to look busy.
The whupping sound built to a climax. Tj squeezed his eyes tighter and he could feel the air shifting as giant hand reached out to pull him apart like pizza dough. Was this really how he was going to die? Head twisted off by a giant in a dress?
The whupping sound was here now and it climaxed in a wrending thudding sound and then an ultimate cracking creaking sound. There was an impact that he could feel all over his body. He could only assume was his minds way of dealing with his head being torn off of his shoulders and thrown against a cold stucco alley wall.
He did feel oddly lighter, his cares melting away, he felt a little warmer too. Huh maybe dying wasn’t so bad. But after a few seconds there was no news. He could only assume he was in hell or heaven. Opening his eyes might be appropriate to greet whatever deity awaited him and he could begin the pleading post death bed repentance.
He cracked one eye open and it focused steadily. It was dark ‘oh that can’t be good’ he thought to himself, should be all light and there should be harp music playing. Then a little feather floated past his field of view, no wait it wasn’t a feather, it was a snowflake.
He opened his other eye and glanced around, he was still in the alley. The crazy women who had accosted him were standing looking around confused and frozen. The giant had been felled and was lying on the ground twitching. Its head by it’s feet, the wig crumpled up, wires and sparks and strange black liquids coming out of it. It’s round eyes rolling around in it’s misshapen head, looked like a broken jack in the box.
TJ didn’t know what to make of it, he was still on his knees but looked around his body and could see no visible wounds, had he done that? He looked at the fat girl, her face a mask of pale self reflection, her eyes fixed on a spot on the wall behind his head.
TJ craned his neck to look around, and then grazing up the wall, coming to his feet, he saw what she was looking at. About seven or eight feet up the alley wall was a metallic object that looked like it could have been a part of crashed spaceship. It was embedded four or five inches in the stucco wall. All the snow on the roof around had come loose from the force of it.
He rubbed his eyes, getting rid of those fanciful thoughts over-complicating the object. Making it a ufo, a celestial weapon, thor’s hammer tossed from the heavens. When it was just a baseball bat with circular saws bolted to it. A smiling green skull icecream in a flaming cone emblazoned on the side.