Voices. We all hear them sometimes. Voices in a crowd, voices on the T.V. and yes, even sometimes in our head.Voices. Seductive they can be yet scary and so very territorial.
I sit here on my couch. Tears running down my face. A razor blade in my hand. I am ready to end the pain. "Do you love me?" It came from under my bed. A soft plea for me to answer. "No." I whispered. " I do not love you." The tears coated the scars not only in my heart, but on my skin.
I sit here on the kitchen floor. My knees hugged to my chest. I am rocking back and forth. Hard sobs coming from my bleeding mouth. I could no longer feel the razor, so I started to use my teeth. My flesh was tender as I bit into it. My blood salty and thick. "Do you love me?" The seductive voice asked again. This time coming from the deep corners where the shadows hid. With a deep breath my own voice came out shaky and scared. "No." I said again. "I do not love you."
I was sitting in the tub. The water was pink as I cut into my tongue. I knew the voice would be back and I did not want to answer. The pain was unbearable yet I managed to split the tough organ in two. I laughed as blood poured from my mouth. Let the voice come now. This time I would not answer. I couldn't. "Do you love me?" Right on time I thought. This time it came from the drain down below. Bubbles rose up to the surface when it spoke. I couldn't answer so the voice became more bold. Repeating over and over. "Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? DO YOU LOVE ME?" I screamed. I held my head in my wet hands and just screamed. Blood spurted from my mouth as I spit and struggled not to answer, but I had to. With my eyes looking towards the ceiling asking God why I gave an answer though it hurt and was barely understandable. "No. I do not love you."
I sat in the middle of my living room floor. A sharp long blade in my hand. My eyes were far away. Trying to focus on something that I could not see. I tried to take my mind to a place that I dreamed would be safe, but the voice whispered around me. Circling me, laughing, "Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me?" Over and over again. Around and around me. Closer and closer until it finally whispered in my ear oh so gently, "Do you love me?" My eyes rolled into the back of my head. Only my whites were showing. I smiled, and tilted my head to the side. Using the voice in my head I answered, "Yes, I love you." Then I slid the blade across my neck.