The Voices in Her Head

I woke up the same way I do each day, with a startle. I glanced around my unusually cluttered room. Confused, I pushed myself out of bed and squealed as my foot caught the edge of a hardcover book. I rolled my eyes, pushing the book out of the way with my foot and standing up. I groggily looked around the purple room and observed my surroundings: My bookcase had been knocked over and books cluttered the floor, my drawers were flung open with their contents strewn about the room. Picture frames, candles, and various decorations had been knocked off their spots and onto the floor.

I took a deep breath and waited. I waited for them. But nothing came besides complete and utter silence. They were silent. The voices that tormented me each and every day weren’t there. The voices that drove my dad away, the ones that prevent me from meeting my new little sister because my dad is afraid they will tell me to do something to her, and that I will act on it.

Schizophrenia’s a bitch. And one I’ve been dealing with for almost ten years now. I was diagnosed shortly after I turned seven and since the day the voices transpired in my head they haven’t stopped tormenting me, not even for a second. But now here I stood, in the center of my unusually but not surprisingly cluttered room, and they were gone. And everything was just a little too quiet.

I sighed and turned around a bit, catching sight of my clock and the time. Noticing I had slept in and was running late for school I quickly maneuvered through the mess, picking some clean clothes out of the drawer and quickly changing into the dark blue skinny jeans and navy and white oversized long-sleeved striped t-shirt. I stayed near the dresser to apply my makeup and began an eager search for my black converse. Once I dug them out and threw them on I snatched my bag off the floor and fetched my phone from it’s charger on my bedside table.

I moved to exit my room, stopping at the door and turning around. I sighed at the sight of my room, wishing I could remember the episode from last night, this seemed to look like a pretty bad one.

Remembering the time I snapped around and bolted from my room to the gray kitchen that was sterile yet messy.

“Mom?” I called out. There was no response as I my voice echoed through the small and tidy house. “Mother?” I called again as I searched around the kitchen for a note. My mom never left for work early, and when she did she either told me or left a note. We had a fight the night before. A bad one, but still. She would have told me she was leaving early.

I sighed, grabbing an apple from the basket on the counter and took a deep bite out of it. I chewed for a moment, and it was odd, the fruit I ate every day suddenly tasted like cardboard. I kept chewing. I chewed and chewed, waiting for the taste to come. but it never did. I opened the lid of the garbage can and threw the round apple into it and spit out the gross, chewed mush of apple into the trash.

I grabbed a glass from the cabinet above the sink and filled it up with sink water to wash down the cardboard taste of the apple. I took a big gulp of the water and fought to swallow it. The liquid in my mouth seemed to refuse to go down. The feeling was odd, it felt almost like there was nothing there. After a moment I leaned over the sink and gave up, spitting the water out and dumping the rest down the drain. I sighed, walking over to the fridge and pulling out the lunch I had packed myself the night before and stuffed it into my bag.

I exited the kitchen and found my way to my mothers room. I opened the door and peeked around. the bed was made to perfection and the lights were all off, she was no where in sight.

“I guess you’re still pretty mad, huh.” I said to myself with a sigh, clutching onto my bag and making my way over to the door leading out to the garage, grabbing my keys on the way out.

I stepped into the garage and felt an instant shudder. I wrapped my arms around myself in an attempt to warm up as I made my way towards my car. As I opened the door to my car I was suddenly aware of the Honda pilot parked next to my Nissan versa. My mom’s car. Why was her car still here? It should be gone by now, not here. She couldn’t have gotten a ride from a friend? Could she have?

I shook my head and hopped into my car, opening the garage and backing out. I speeded through the unusually quiet neighborhood and towards my school, screeching into a parking spot then hopping out of my car, pulling my car keys from the ignition on my way out. I bounded through the parking lot, not wanting to be too late to my first class, seeing it was my favorite.

Due to my fast walking, I was soon enough reaching for the door handle to my first class and pulling it open. I took a deep, calming breath and walked inside.

“I’m so sorry I’m late!” I blurted out to my history teacher, who was sat at her desk intently staring at her computer, not even acknowledging my presence. I sighed and shrugged over to my desk, sliding in and slinging my bag to sit on my lap. No one seemed to notice I was there, and thats how it remained throughout the next three hours of my day.

Once the bell signaling lunch rang I bolted out of the classroom, relieved that I could finally go see my friends who wouldn’t act like I was invisible. I made my way through the vast majority of people to the lunchroom and found my friends sitting at our normal table.

“Hey Guys.” I said, plopping down on the side of the bench across from my friends Cassie and Heather and beside Cam. They sat there, engrossed in both their phones and lunches. “Uh, Hello?”

Suddenly Heather set her phone down and glanced up to look at the other two girls. “I guess Emma isn’t here today.”

“I’m right here…” I spoke.

“You didn’t here?” Cam said, following in Heather’s actions.

“No.” Heather said engrossed. “Why, what’s going on?”

“Cass, did you hear?”

Cassie set her fork down, finishing chewing the last bite of her salad before answering. “Nope, no clue what you’re talking about.”

“Well you know how Samantha Benvowski lives down the street from Emma?” The other girls nodded. “Well I don’t know exactly what’s going on but I guess Em had one of her episodes last night and a neighbor went to make sure everything was okay and there was a scream?”

“Wait,” Interrupted Cam, “A scream? What does a scream mean?”

My eyes grew wide. “Guy’s I’m right here… Is this a joke?”

“Shut up Cam and let me finish. Anyways I guess there have been cop cars and ambulances there all morning. It’s all over twitter.”

“Oh wow, I wonder if someone’s dead.”

Suddenly I went numb, ignoring the rest of the conversation and standing up from my seat, pulling my bag along with me as I bolted from the lunchroom and to the parking lot, full of concern about my mother. Somehow I seemed to be invisible to security alongside my teachers, peer’s and friends, because I was able to make it past the guard and to my car. I zoomed from the parking lot and towards my house.

I had just turned onto my street which seemed to be buzzing with curious passerby’s blocking my way. I parked alongside the street and hopped out of my car.

Quickly I pushed my way through the people who didn’t seem to even notice I existed and towards my house. The first thing that came into view was red and blue flashing lights, next came the barricade of police and paramedics.

I ran up to a police officer who was standing alone and writing something down on a slip of pink paper.

“What’s going on here?’ I frantically questioned. I waited a moment for him to respond but he didn’t even seem to notice I was there. “Hello? What’s going on? I live here is my mother okay?” Still no response. “Hey! Are you listening to me?”

When he still didn’t respond I tapped the top of his shoulder, but when my hand touched his shoulder my whole body went, numb. I couldn’t even move. then suddenly I felt as if I was being electrocuted and I jolted away from the officer. I was back to normal but I could tell something was off. I glanced down at my hand and was shocked and terrified at what I saw. The part of my hand that had touched the man’s shoulder was turning purple and red, and I couldn’t feel it there. It was almost like my hand was cut off.

Nervously I looked towards my house and then back to the officer. I rolled my eyes, knowing that no one was going to notice me and that the answer to whatever the hell is going on with me had to be in the house, I turned around and rushed inside.

Once I was in the house I followed the hustle leading to my mothers room.

Nervously I made my way through the officers in search of what the center of attention was. And when it came into view I nearly screamed. On my mother’s gray, queen sized bed laid a mangled, bloody body. It was twisted into a terrifying position. her body was limp and icy pale. there was a gaping hole in her stomach and a bloody butchers knife was sat next to her.

I was timorous. My mother was dead. I tried to choke out a scream but my voice couldn’t seem to work.

“So it’s concluded, murder suicide?” An officer said, breaking into the barrier and sending my world crashing down.

Another officer came into the picture, holding up a bottle of my pills. “Yup. Looks like the daughter was schizophrenic.”

“That would explain a lot.”

“Explain what?” I frantically asked, following them as they exited the room and walked down the hallway towards my room

I was even more shocked by the scene in my room. on my bed, tangled in blood

sheets, was me. there was a gun in my hand and a hole blown through my head. not only were the sheets covered in blood, but so was my pale, lifeless skin. Blood spattered my lilac colored walls in a booming pattern, it almost reminded me of a red fire work. I shuffled towards my body as the two police took photo’s and notes. I reached out and life seemed to stand still. then I was knocked to the floor and I had a horrible headache. Hoping it was all a dream I stalely pushed myself off the floor and turned to face the full length mirror hung up on my wall, and when I saw my appearance, I screamed.

There I stood, Icy cold skin, a gigantic hole in my head, and blood cascading down my face and body. I Looked like I had just stepped out of a Stephen King novel.

Then all of a sudden my entire body began to turn purple and blue. And then it was just like I started to disappear. And then there was a loud ringing and everything faded to white.

“Emma you need to calm down!” The screeching voice of my mother was the first thing I heard. The blinding white faded and there I stood, in my house. Only now there weren’t any police officers or CSI crawling around, and the house wasn’t a mess yet.

Soon I came bounding into view, a screaming mess. “Shut up bitch!”

“Excuse me? Emma I am your mother!” Soon my mom came into view, shouting after me.

Are you going to take this? Are you going to let her talk to you like that? She’s not in control, we are.

I could clearly hear it. The voice of Green whispering in my head. Controlling me.

“No. No. No Shut up!” The me I watched was shouting.

“Emma! Stop!”

Just kill that bitch already.

“No!” I watched me yell. I began shoving things off of the counter and throwing thing at my mom. “Get out of my head!”

“Emma, calm down. You forgot to take your meds.” My mom walked to the cabinet cautiously, taking my meds out and dumping two into her hand, reaching it out to me.

No! Don’t take that! 8 butted in.

“No!” I screamed, slapping the pills out of her hand and onto the floor.

Good now kill her.

Yes do it now.

Kill her. She hate’s us, get rid of her now.

“Stop it! Get out of here mom!”

“No! Emma I am not leaving you alone right now!”

“They want me to kill you!”

Yes. And you will do it.

“Yes! I Will.” I gasped. “No!”

“Emma! Take a deep breath! You aren’t going to do anything.”

Grab that knife over there.

I watched as my head whipped around and my bony, shaky hand snatched up the knife.

“Emma…. Put that down.”

“Mom get out now!”

Get her.

You know you want to.

Do it.

Now.

Go.

“Shut up I’m going!”

“Emma…” My mom shakily said as she backed up and I advanced towards her.

“I have to. It’s the only way they will go away.”

“No, Emma,” She started backing to her room. “You know that’s not true.”

“I have to try.” I cried. “I can’t live like this any more.”

“You aren’t being yourself Em.”

“No. I’m not me. I’m them.”

And with that my mom turned and ran to her bedroom with me chasing after her. I followed them and watched as my mom flung the door closed, and I crashed in without a care. I watched in horror as I flung her down on the bed.

Yes, do it.

Do it now.

Get rid of her.

“Stop it I am! get out of my head!”

“Em, sweetie, you don’t have to do this. You are in control.”

I saw a tear drip off my face as the me from last night positioned the knife over her. “That’s the thing mom, I’m not. They’ve been telling me to do this for ten years now. And maybe, if I actually do this, They will go away.”

“Okay honey.” She cried. “But please, just know, I will always love you.”

“I love you too mom.”

I tried to scream for me to stop, but nothing came out. And when I tried to move my head to look away I couldn’t. I cried as I watched the crazed person who looked just like me stab a knife into my mothers stomach and drag it down. I watched as my mother let out an exasperated final breath.

The me from the previous night dropped the knife and stared down at my mom, pulling her into her- my- arms as she- I- cried.

“I’m so sorry.”

Why are you sorry? This is a good thing.

“You’re still here!” I yelled. “I killed her! You should be gone!”

Honey we’re never going anywhere. We’re a part of you.

The only way you’re getting rid of us is by death.

“If I die you go away?”

Yup.

I watched as I pushed myself away from my now dead mom and slowly pounded to her dresser, opening a drawer and pulling something out. I followed myself as I cradled something in my arms and walked to my room.

Wait, what are you doing.

“I’m ending this.” I said, sitting down on my bed. “I can’t live like this anymore.”

You’re killing yourself?

I watched as I nodded.

No no no, you can’t do this. If you die, then we die.

“I know.”

And then I watched as I lifted the gun up to my head and pulled the trigger without an inch of hesitation. Blood spattered everywhere and then everything just stopped. Fire took over my world and everything burned down.