I threw the razor blade aside and squeezed my wrist when I felt an acute pain. I won't open my eyes before it pass. I bit my lip. Even after these two years I wasn't accustomed to it. I hate pain. So why am I doing this? Because only pain helps me clean myself up from suffering. When the pain passed, I started to bear the wound. Red stain was visible through the white layers of material. In the end I clipped a safety-pin on a bandage. I hid it under a long sleeve of my shirt. Where is she... Ah! Here. I picked up the razor blade, which was dripping with blood, and I turned on the hot water to return her an immaculate, metallic luster. The water was red. After a quick shower my loyal partner was beautiful again. Sometimes I joke that she's the only one who understand me. Or maybe it's true? Nevermind. I have to prepare for school.
Even in the morning I only have the ignorants around me. They never pay attention to me. Even my friends, or rather former friends. They never ask me if I'm feeling good or something. They were doing it in the past but I'm sure they didn't care after all. My family don't care about me too. Everytime I come back from school, they always starting some kind of discussion. And I just want to be alone. Isn't it obvious?
I sat on a bench in a hallway to get some rest. I felt dizzy. I closed my eyes and hid my wrist deeper inside the sleeve so nobody could notice anything.
Who is it this time? I opened my eyes and looked to the left on the person sitting next to me. It was first time I saw her. Another annoying ignorant. Is that what I asked?
”Is everything alright?” Great, is't just starting. ”You look like you feel bad”
”I'm okay, thanks” I answered without superfluous enthusiasm. ”Do you want something?”
”I'm a new student and surely we are in the same class” said the girl with a smile.
”Is that so?” Really, I very care, you know?
”Yes. Didn't you notice me with the headmistress?”
”I don't pay much attention to people around me”
”Oh, I understand. Anyway, my name is Anna” she said and gave me a hand. I looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Well, what's the harm?
”Anne” I introduced myself and gave her my hand too.
”O, how funny!” Why is she so happy now? ”Similar to me!”
Yes, I noticed that too. But where's a point of being so excited? Name like name.
”Nice to meet you, Anne. I hope we will get along each other”
”Me too” I answered with a courtesy smile.
”Sweetheart, is that you?” My mum was in the kitchen. After a while she went out into the hallway to greet me and asked, ”How was school?”
”Good, good” I answered while taking off my shoes.
”Do you have much homework?”
I was climbing up on the stairs when my mum grabbed my arm. I freed myself because of fear that she could notice a bandage under my shirt's sleeve. I looked at her. She was staring at me with a surprised gaze. Then she just said, ”I love you”.
”I love you too” I answered as if it was obvious. I turned around and went to the bathroom.
I hate these ignorants. They don't even care. They just simulate. They are all worth each other. I locked the door and searched for the razor blade. I took of the bandage. Good. The wound already started to heal. I found a pale, empty part of my wrist and pressed the blade to it. I closed my eyes and slowly cut my skin. I felt the warm blood coming out from the places where was the razor blade a moment ago. The drops started to run down into the sink and made it dirty. I put my friend aside and promised her that I'll take care of her in a minute. I squeezed the fresh wound to stop the hemorrhage. I opened my eyes. Something immediately caught my attention. My blood... Had a strange colour. It wasn't red or just not that like it should be. Much darker. I looked at my right hand which was squeezing my wrist a moment ago. Obviously, it was covered in blood. I moved it and noticed that the liquid isn't fluid anymore. Did it congealed that fast? It's strange. I don't know much about medicine but maybe there's some kind of disease that makes blood congealed too fast. I don't know. Nevermind, I have to clean it up.
Next day in school I was greeted with a long arm around my neck. Anna hung on me with a smile and said hello. Too effusively for me. We just met yesterday. What does she think, that we are some kind of friends? Or maybe I'm the only one she know here. Even so, that's not the reason to treating me like that. I don't want anybody near to me. Is this so hard to understand?
”Hey, Anne, what's that?” she pionted at my arm. Did she notice something?
”What?” I asked indifferently.
Before I could protest, she grabbed my hand and puched back my shirt's sleeve. Holy shit!
”Did you hurt your hand?” she asked.
I freed myself and went ahead. Anna was begging me to stop but I pretended not to hear. I came to girl's bathroom. I checked all cabins. Nobody was here. I don't know why I came here. I just wanted to free of her and cool down. I tried to calm down. She saw the bandage but maybe she won't figure out anything. And even if she will tell somebody about it... Anyway, why would she do that? Nobody will care after all. I don't know, what am I so afraid of. I approached to the door to leave but someone opened it before I did and stood opposite to me. Just great, she...
”Why did you run?” she came nearer to me but I stepped back. ”I won't do anything to you. Is that what I think?” she nodded on my arm.
”What do you want?” I asked irritated.
”I'm sorry. I didn't want to irritate you! But I was just curious. Now you can just tell me, right?” Before I noticed, behind my back appeared a wall. Anna relied her arms on both sides of my head and looked me straight in the eyes. ”Why are you cutting yourself?”
”Why do you want to know that?” I tried to look away but she took my face in her hands and made me looking at her.
”Bacause I must”
”That's not your business”
”You would be surprised how much it is my business”
That was weird. I started to get upset. I pushed her but her hands immobilized my arms in a short while. Why does she want to know the truth so much? Why does she care that much? Oh, yes. Out of sheer curiosity.
”I cut myself just because I want to. I like doing it, you know? That helps me to live the next day among all of these maggots which love to play with my feelings. Would you mind to release me now?”
Suddenly she did something that I didot even expected. She leaned to me and gave me a short kiss on my forehead. That kind of kiss which symbolizes care and protection.
”I want to protect you despite the lack of wings”
I was furious. When she let go of my hands I slapped her face. She moaned surprised. I was expecting that she would do the same to me but she didn't. She just touched a reddened skin and looked at me with a sad eyes. I ran out the bathroom. They are all the same. Damn, disgusting maggots. They love to pretend that they care so much. They love to play with someone's emotions so much.
I rolled up my sleeve. Took off the bandage. None of the wounds were bleeding. Only that one from yesterday was worrying me. Because it was first time when blood of the fresh cutting looked like congealed. But that's not important. I was worrying that now the wound was swollen and skin around it was reddened and itchy. Maybe I got some kind of infection? That's new for me too so I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll just clean it with hydrogen peroxide. That should help me, right?
”Why do you want to do it?”
That voice scared me a little. It seemed to be so near. I turned around but there was nobody behind me. The door was still closed. I'm such an idiot... That was probably the neighbor behind the wall.
”Why do you want to heal your wound?”
Again? I'll just ignore it.
”Why do you want to heal it if you made it on purpose?”
No. I can't ignore it. I must hear. I closed my eyes to hear better but that voice already fell silent. I scolded myself in my thoughts for my own stupidity. Just what did I expect? Some kind of ghost or guardian angel? Anyway, that was strange... I got back to myself and my needs. I pulled out my the most faithful friend and pressed her to a smooth part of skin and closed my eyes. I made a short cut with a one quick movement. I wanted to open my eyes only after I feel the blood flowing from the inside. But nothing like that happened. I only felt the pain. Frighteningly strong pain. I've never felt a pain like that. I opened my eyes anxiously. Maggots were falling out from the wound.
”Holy shit!” I squeaked. I quickly stood up and looked for some towel, paper, anything. I found nothing. It's a damn bathroom! Where are all these stuff? In a moment I realized that I'm not in my bathroom anymore. That's right, where am I? Everything was black. Maybe I'm just losing my consciousness? But I don't fell dizzy. Maybe it's just a dream? It's too realistic. I squeezed the fresh wound to stop the maggots of hatching out. They sterted to piercing through my hand. It's impossible! Maggots doesn't have teeth, they can't be so strong! If it's not a dream, what is this?
”Why are you so scared?” It was that voice. But now it seemed even more realistic and closer. Who is here? ”It's me. Don't you see me?” I turned out my head in the direction from which I heard the voice. Anna was standing there. In all that black emptiness, where I thought that only I was here, was also she. She looked normally. Now I know what's going on. I'm having a hallucinations. I'm just overtired. ”Don't try to explain it to yourself. That's not what you think” she said.
”Where am I?” Suddenly I felt that I lose all of my strength.
I wanted to scream but I couldn't. I didn't feel my legs. I didn't feel anything. I think I fell to my knees.
”That's a place without a name. I don't know how to explain it to you”
”What's going on?”
”You should know that”
”Tell me, what's going on?”
”You mean this?” Anna pointed at a disgusting hatchery. I was already surrounded by maggots from all sides. ”It's your life”
What? I couldn't say it loud. I didn't even feel my body.
”The life is running out of you. And you can't do anything with it”
”It's all your fault” Does she can read my thoughts? ”Every single day you were slowly approaching to the end. Every cut was taking a part of you. The blood, which you were losing, that's your life”
What's happening with me now?
”I think you know the answer by yourself”
Although I felt like completely separated from my own body, I felt a tickle on my face when the maggots started to climbing on it. They were still coming out of my wound. I was already lying on a big bed of the gross worms.
”You seem like you still don't understand what did you do. You had friends who liked you and wanted to help you. You had a family which was worrying about you. You had problems which weren't worth any shit. There are many ones just like you. You are dying on your own wish. With that difference of euthanasia, that you are suffering. But that's your own will.
I understand nothing.
”These maggots, this is your life. You became a pitiful, worthless junk. You're just a maggot”
I am a... Maggot? Answer me. Please, tell me the truth. Who are you? Who are you, Anna?
”Your guardian angel”
I tried to keep my eyes open but in a moment I closed them for ever.
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