I at six years old without anything, Nothing at all there has been no murder no animosity nothing has happened it is my fault all of it. Mother is a maid. Dad is not murdered. Gran not too old. They place me inside this dormitory of fear where they are all deaf and mutes. They do not know right or wrong.
They in this shell inside this deaf work world without any sound systems without any open windows without anything but smiling without anything but drawing this circular lines and without anything but the pencil inside my head not blinking. But what to do is avoid the rest who come and stare at us all as if behind the cages of some damned wolf cage and they must have a little humour as if the deaf people are wild animals without reason and they are very reasonable gangs of children. We were never abused because the teachers would come looking cross and say worst words in mouths which did not say words but looked angry and big.
The normal manageress who has a child there too replaces all she does without malice and works her wages through to be with her own child. So she is there doing her motherly duties and takes home the wage. You see she is the remaining things from some diseased society who do the social whirls. It is always warm and comfortable inside the walls but when out there are the ugly children out to abuse and make fun.
“If you must learn to live out there you must learn sign language.”
“I was going to be deaf permanently then?”
“We don’t know but you must learn.”
“Learn I must learn that was it the beginning of my end the end dead. Or was it someone said happily now you my best friend ever.” She looked gorgeous but stone deaf and she liked by the whole class but felt strange to her she felt overwhelmed by emotional intentness as if she in love or something?
“Dust is bad.”
That is the only way to describe the whole thing was not comforting I did not want a friend then.
The thing was would resonate throughout my childhood what I said to her in that brief moment would come back to haunt me forever in my school days and even afterwards. The thing was the girl highly connected or something a different person with the disability but the same clan. They always look after their own.
After many trials and tribulations we now fast friends. Arm in arm we walk always together.
I cannot even say words to her as do not know how to sign language the thing is always correct behaviour now my norm I did not want to say anything bad but my looks must have given me away for she was taking cold from me.
“Her mum is okay with that?”
They are all mad here even in the deaf mute school and I had been waiting for my operation so that I could hear but did not know that the place of this disaster never would I leave ever again.
So the operation was approaching and this little girl was hoping that the operation would not succeed then we would be together as friends forever. I was wailing there is nothing less adoring then behaving like a kid who is desperately reaching out for someone to take the place of a mother or a best teddy bear when she knows she cannot hear and must have that comfort must have someone likable as myself to reach out to.
Her desperation was such that I took myself to another part of the class. Then I was ostracised and it did not matter because could not hear anything at all.
Bloody mad I thought did not want to think about the damn thing the whole thing was a desperate act of behaving badly when I did not feel for her anything but mild affection but she said it was her life she needed me and all that at eight she was bizarre.
“It does make our dignities does it not?”
The thing was where are the teachers and where are the parents they thought it was a affliction which might be more bearable if I said okay to this girl.
The thing is the harassment continued and I was a little girl too I could not make her well or even better there was no cure and she might have got worse but the thing was I was a child too. I could not cope with someone who was desperate.
Sorry but the thing was the truth when a girl is so irrational as all that she was now not allowing anybody to be my friend.
“Which makes her socially unaccepted is that she has such a weird idea of where she is she thinks she is in charge when my little girl reached out to her and she refused her.” Wailed the mother.
I said why I felt uncomfortable I did not dislike the child she only so demanding and she better at geography and doing the signs and signals and she said she would show me how to do the geometry but never did she is only interested in what she wants and needs.
“With dignity and self centred interests.”
She has no interest in? Social mobility.
After many years of being in there within that theatre of displeased persons of importance I now say to them there is no fear in me at all there is now nothing.
“No court judge can unman her post.”
“No she is twice over courted.”
“One only has one chance in life.”
“She knows all the loopholes.”
“The devious ways.”
“Has the right sentiment too?”
“She has no sentiment for my little girl.”
“No hysterical mothers company will say she did not do her duty.”
“She has taught them kids not to drop the airplanes in the wrong time which means do not understand if you do not get the words right first time then you come out as jokes.”