Schizophrenia (Updated & Revised)

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Chapter 14: "Excuse me, is everything alright?"

My eyes were glued to the ceiling as the night rolled on. I was exhausted, yet my mind wouldn’t let me sleep. I was still able to feel the pain in my heart that’s worn me out for the past few days. I definitely didn’t feel like myself anymore. Dr. Michaels was correct on the fact that I was depressed -- I felt as if I were drowning and everyone can see me yet no one stops to help.

I turned myself to lay on my side and forced myself to sleep. I shut my eyes and took in deep breaths. My body slowly fell limp as my mind slowly quieted down. It felt different yet amazing to fall asleep instead of staying up all night consuming myself in thoughts. It’s felt like ages since I’ve had a proper night of sleep.

Sobbing ...that’s all I heard. I looked around but I couldn’t see anything except darkness. I walked in small circles, trying to follow the sound of the crying. A small light flickered, illuminating the small room. In the corner of the room was a trembling figure. I was able to hear their cries as their body racked with sobs. I took short steps, keeping quiet as I inched closer to the person.

“Excuse me, is everything alright?” I asked, crouching down.

I wasn’t able to catch a glimpse of the person’s face. I placed my hand on their back in some sort of attempt to calm the person down. I saw scars racing up and down the person’s arms. The scars were deep and dark and definitely looked fresh. I felt a shiver run down my spine; I couldn’t imagine the unbearable pain those scars must’ve been. It must’ve taken this person a lot to slice their skin as deep as they did.

We sat there in silence, despite the cries of the mystery person. “She promised she wouldn’t leave,” the person sobbed. “She left me right after she promised.”

I felt my heart slowly fall apart. I couldn’t imagine the pain they must be feeling right now, but then again, I was able to feel that pain. I’ve been hurting almost as much as they have. Maybe even more.

They continued, “I thought I finally had someone I could trust and rely on. I wanted to hurt her at first, but then she started talking. She was sweet, sincere ...now she’s gone.” They took deep, jagged breaths. “I want nothing but the worst to happen to her.”

The person turned to me, their bloodshot eyes staring into mine. I felt my stomach drop once Blaze’s eyes met mine. My eyes moved up and down Blaze’s arms which were covered in scars old and new. I looked back to his face to now see anger. “I did this to myself because of you. You called me a monster. Do I look like a monster to you?” his voice raised with every word.

I tried to back away from Blaze but he quickly grabbed my legs and pulled me back towards him. He sat on top of me and held my wrists near my head, his iron grip beginning to hurt. “Rumor has it your eighteenth birthday is coming up ...is that true? He asked. I hesitantly nodded. There was something on Blaze I hadn’t seen in what felt like forever; that smirk. That smirk said nothing but danger. I felt my heart pound in my chest.

The grip on my wrists tightened, sending pain through my body. I tried to keep my screams quiet. “Perfect timing. I have a little present planned out for you. It has multiple parts, so let’s begin with part one, shall we?” His voice was full of evil. He released one of my wrists and reached into his back pocket to pull out a rectangle blade.

“It stings at first, but you’ll get used to it in no time.” He deeply chuckled.

I felt the cold blade meeting my left wrist. Blaze quickly drew lines over and over on my skin. I felt blood begin to rise under my skin, filling the cuts and seep out of my are. I shut my eyes tightly as if it would help the pain. Blaze was squeezing the slits, trying to make more blood come out. “Maybe they aren’t deep enough,” he muttered to himself.

Before I could realize what was happening, the blade dug deeper into my already bloody wrist. That’s when I let out an ear ringing scream. I felt Blaze squeeze the cuts once again to have more blood come out. I heard him slowly erupt in laughter. I turned my head to my left wrist to see multiple scars that were deeper than the Atlantic Ocean.

I turned to my right wrist to see Blaze beginning to engrave my skin even more. The blade dug into my wrist as if he were looking for something. I wanted to scream but it wouldn’t matter if I did or not. No one was here to save me. I looked up to Blaze to see a face full of pleasure.

Blaze tour his hands from my wrists and looked at his hands. “Jeez Ryder, you made such a mess.” He tsked, standing from where he sat. I slowly sat up and pulled both wrists in front of my eyes. I couldn’t even see skin anymore; there was blood everywhere. Pain throbbed through my body. I began to feel weak and dizzy.

“Why are you doing this?” I weakly asked.

I looked to Blaze to see him wiping his hands. “This is what you get Ryder. You hurt me and all I want to do is hurt you. Didn’t your pathetic little guard tell you? Everyone here as their own demons and mine are finally making an appearance. The scars on my arms are their work, not mine. Now, I’m the demon in your head until you leave this God forsaken institution.”

Tears were sitting in my eyes as the physical and emotional pain washed over me. I shook my head as I stood from my spot, feeling woozy. “Blaze, I was caught up in the moment, please don’t do this.” I begged. He only rolled his eyes and turned away from me. I was able to feel myself breaking as I snapped into reality and realized what I’ve done. “I didn’t mean it --”

“If you didn’t mean it then why did you say it?!” he yelled.

I was taken aback from his tone of voice. It felt as if we were enemies at this point ...maybe even strangers. “I’m broken Ryder. I’m a nineteen year old who was locked up because no one cared about me anymore. I had depression when I was thirteen, I was diagnosed with social anxiety when I was fifteen, I went insane before I even turned sixteen. That’s when my parents threw me into this asylum.”

Black spots slowly took over my vision as Blaze continued to run his mouth. I looked back down to my wrists to see nothing but red. I was going lightheaded and felt my legs giving out. I fell to my knees and allowed the tears to run down my face. The pain was taking over.

I woke up in a cold sweat and heavy breathing. I ran my fingers through my hair as I tried to relax myself. My heart was still beating a mile a minute and my body was trembling. It was only a dream ...a nightmare. I didn’t know what to do; my mind was all over the place.

My eyes traveled down to my wrists to see the deep, dark scars. I touched one scar on my left wrist to only hiss in pain. The scars were still fresh. It would take awhile for them to heal due to how deep they were. My mind was lost. I had no idea how to get a grip on everything that happened. All I can do is sit back and watch my life be sucked into a black hole of horror and torture.

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