Missing Clare
Each mile passes me by one at a time, filled
with uncounted streetlights. The dark night sky hangs overhead, as if it is the
king of this orange-lit road. The songs on the radio, the DJ and his callers,
are the only voices I can hear over the noises from the trunk. My eyes feel dry
and tired, my eyelids so heavy. Still the miles flash bye, and the road streaks
past as I drive on.
The motorway curves right and I'm looking out
over a city, all lights and no movement, the world seems empty like my heart.
The radio plays a tune and more miles pass as the pounding in the trunk stops.
Another turn off, and then another disappear in
my rear view mirror. The road looks the same every so often, indistinguishable
from other memories. A car shoots past heading over the ground I’ve already
covered, its headlights burn and I perk up.
I reach into the passenger seat for my coke
and take a swig. Chew some gum. Another voice speaks on the radio, I think it's
Clare but I realise it's an advert. I feel sad and think about my passenger in
the trunk.
The road slides under the bonnet and reappears
in the rear view mirror. The driver side front wheel drags over the rumble
strip, the noise wakes me, and my unwilling passenger. I hear more thumping
from the trunk.
There's another tune on the radio, then
another call comes in. This time it is Clare's voice and she's telling me it's
going to be all right. She's back and things are going to be fine. She's in my
arms and we embrace and I feel so human. Like I had forgotten I was alive, and
now here she is, reminding me. My arms wrap around her body holding her close,
and I tell her I'll protect her, “this time”, she'll be with me forever.
We kiss and I feel the pain of my heart hoping,
and dreading this won't last, but it does. Our lips part after an eternity and
my heart is thumping and it's getting louder. I close my eyes and feel her
golden hair in my face. Her arms wrap around my neck, her legs on my lap. Her
breathing is so regular and so deep. She is alive and so am I. And I don't
remember how but I never want to forget this moment.
I hold my breath and in that moment smell her
perfume. The pain comes on in a wave and when I open my eyes the orange light
has washed Clare away. I can hear sirens and see flames and feel the dampness
of something on my face. I hang there as air billows around me and I would cry
but I've forgotten how. The remains of other cars are scattered across the
motorway and I'm so tired now. I can't see the trunk from where I'm lying but
then I realise I don't care. I close my eyes and breathe in, and her perfume is
there again.
I'm in pain Clare and I don't think I can make
it right any more.
