You are a user not like us. You are something so wicked and dull to be looking at us in that way we do a lot for humanity our ancestors have too. How can you speak to us all like that? I am a service user because I had been a slave. But that is nothing. There is all this oceans of hospitality left.
Down on the ladder. Never reaching even the pitch and there is not even a tent to stop the rain water. The dollops of thoughts come to make one heave. Murder will out and there is something now something which states he wants me dead. Murder someone else somewhere else. Why don't you?
When love dined with the lusts and the passions. It died someone else did the dancing. I did the work. Drop it girls. There is nothing in. He is old and worn out with me tired even. But with her he looked like a God. What is the difficulties. I have with that?
"Frightful people." He dislikes my mother he rans when she is within ear shot. Dad he just thinks is too much to bear. Those are my people parents why hurt me? He will not say. My man just runs out every time he comes in through the door because still with parents. Neighbours? Who do not want to know us. Common they be too. Simply difficult. I snarl at them all. It is nothing a shop keepers daughter run down establishment running since the war and the war now over we in there still? No someone else had run the show and is beckoning because once a owner always an owner.
The impertinence what an idea calling at all hours and keeping us from each other. That we live and life as we do there is all this impertinence which we dislike. Why do we love this world when people come into our face and we dislike them. You know what is there. Nothing. For what is when coming and leaving and going it is justice which we dislike. Beauty is what we believe in. Beauty wins all the time. And brains and having the right side of the brain working. Is it right side? Yes just use that bit. And why because that it is when we behave well and better because we are that good.
Being a serving like woman. Serving behind the counter behind the stuff that made us money. I had to behave like them; be like them and eat like them. Because if one does not? Then hurt like nothing in this world. Dignity taken out and about. The flesh torn to shreds and flown into the wind. It is okay. It is right we are in the right of it because without status. I am the parent we are the family inside the shop we can ship you. Then we believe that is the right of it. that we should do this to you because you nothing no one.
"I mean to destroy you." Is it Jane or mother they are the sane ones landed on their feet. Both of them say the same things. They mean to me. I am being punished because of something I never did.
"It is likely you shall be with us.."
" Jane go away." and steadfastly she stayed. The thing is like a second skin she stays because she a bloody vulture. At the corpse as if the wrench had not the wit to say no and mean it.
" Look I am a psychologist and Freud said we all bisexual." Said Jane.
"The working caste are now in shadows we lived in the mines and died there." I feel my legs are going under me because of standing all the time all day. I almost crawl by the end of the day.
"The howling sounds of make believe the nightmares of the insane."
No one asks how are you keeping when they did they ran out as if the answer was too long.
"Imps to seek us out in our lives and try to know us it is truth we share when we dislike that."
"We behave nicely to all and we do not get rude."
"We are what we are."
"We do well and best."
We were not on speaking terms to most of them who were difficult and frightful. This meant most of the world. There was a gap in our interior knowledge how to behave in public and do manners well. Mostly I was self educated by books and stuff.
Frightful I mean frightening it was to be aloof and alone? We were mostly superior. Nothing like us at all. We were so high and mighty we had to work in the kitchens. I did not care for that.
Flies in there too most of the world had flies did not mean anything but me I had to take them out of the kitchen and clean the place up. Why asked mother why did I do such a stupid thing?
"You have no answer do you because you still a child."
Not really nearly nineteen.
I thought about the worse that can happen and it went not along that way but something far worse. I found the difficulties in the social services insurmountable. Their keenness to something like a deaf ear worm was the key to their success. Children or young people have so many communication barrier and they went through the loops of the lot. They heard nothing seen no one in particular went berserk about money and then sat down and said kind words.
It is a lousy business. The thing to be is grown up about it because that is your mum and she needs care and attention and what the children need to now you can be useful and do something about the wasted school and chances. I did see the point the wasted chances I had been given meant now I had to see to it that I did nothing wrong. Did everything right and become a caring woman.
“Like two performing rhinos they came upon the scene having it out and then mated and became in my mind handbags.”
“But sorry for butting in why?”
Where does one go from here and what I'm I supposed to do without support? Now supporting two girls who were teens and one mother who was in anger issues? A madman called dad's. Well it is all what you deserve for staying said the psychologist. If you had moved out this would never have happened.
If I had moved out what would have been left?
So, I had to sit put and stranded emotionally as well as financially. It meant me having to seek help and hand outs and all that. It mattered my pride fled left. I was as less of a matter no longer respected only tolerable. I was that I had to be strong enough to take my medicine and be able to speak.
People said to me how brave you are and wonderful. I had not begun to suss out what they meant. What they meant was we are helping him and her take what is yours. Their smiles hid guile and they were so satisfied. Stealth of hand and smiling into your eyes while we do it.
“How brave you all are.” I thought when I can blow this system apart if I learn to write.”
But the thing was they did not think they were being observed as concerned to the end. They swept me along in their open-minded contempt. My solitude seems to upset them. The most because if I got someone they would be in the clear. They offered no resistance to my partaking of their triumphs . Another award for the most of these man and woman. They left me plenty of room to fail.
;How dared I cross the line between what was the right blue and me the wrong red. I was nothing but unimportant; just a girl and that mattered once more than all the rest now someone else taken her place. Nothing to these people because they had their blood -truth be told, true blue blood.
So, they discouraged him and encouraged the perfect union because as I said they were like rhinos on heat.
"The young couple just back from their honeymoon."
After twenty years on being on a honeymoon they have taken now to being the scenic honeymooners. Just back after all this time? What a good idea I must have one too. Weddings took over everyone wanted to have one. They sold themselves to take to the centre stage the world became a cosmic wedded bliss.
To have such influence over society is important. Well they did get what they deserved. Yes each other for good.
Down at the cafe I had been reading and trying to improve myself.
I had been reading that play about rhinos. Then thought the rhinos might escape and there might be a stamped or something. This occasionally alarmed me so much I had to go and read another play. It seemed that he and me had lost the common ground? We had nothing. We had no bodies left my function was to list his sleeps. Dullness set in between us as if the thought of us together was not bearable.
"Why don't you change your eyes to blue?"
He came to sleep because he so shattered. I fled emotionally because of course life does not stop because the male has left the scene. It continues marks one seems to be forever moving onwards- to something called disaster. He begun to dislike the way I looked.
I did not seem to think. I looked pleasing did not treat me with anything as if he a brother or an old friend. H camouflaged like a cook a cake something bad. He indeed had become indifferent. We drifted. Like in that room before the wife now someone else.
His wife a doctor gloated to such an extent she said she would give me medicine for depression. She who now as the doctor wanted my material to rob and plunder and pollute the world with her own images. To pillage in order to work out some sort of story because she did matter in the world.
She had so many commitments and of course she disliked to spend money on material. Did not sense my growing revenge or did she? Why bother when one can have it for free? Because her and her husband inside the material and technically it belonged to them.
"It is a high-handed robbery?"
What gets me was they had all that money and they refused to give someone like me any because they thought they were doing me good. What would I be needing money for when I was almost as naive as a child?
“Oh, but she does not see it like that.” And then that there is when someone is without speech. Speak to them who do not want to listen and you will get my drift. The power to make maim and all that because when involved when not loved does speech happen right?
“You see they had to eat their cake and I had to watch being diabetic you see.”
This was the second reasoning this was the one who had the reasonableness I left the scene as a tax payer and was paying somehow in something more than money.
In our house the payments are always done in blood. It has become so in Britain to the poor pay in blood.
“No, they don’t they work?”
What happens when the work is done? Working and doing nagging the people who did once mean something. The wages of sin has not happened. The girl or woman says nothing about her ordeal. She refuses to understand. When someone works like me that maims her because the people inside the house the cruellest villains and that is the whole point. He was in a fluff and flurry then he went mad with the glory. I did not know it he said I had no idea. I have no more energy to explain it. He was with her and he did most definitely did not know me as much as he thought. does not have any more energy?
“What did it do to you seeing your best friend and her man shacking up?”
“My man you mean?”
“But no longer yours.” She pressed the panic button. My raising my voice meant she in extreme peril.
She sat in state in that little cubicle and stated the point she in charge.
Having released the panic button, we continued as comfortably as possible.