Sanity was Dying

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Chapter 5

Mother died. All of us die but when mother died it meant destitution because she was one of the group. She belonged in a gang and she was more sought after as a cook then a wife.

And why did she die the whole gang wailed in unison trying to scar the kids. And what did it mean to us to the world. Everyone has a thought.. Questions as if the whole thing did matter as if mother was the same age as us. What a young woman like that dying said uncle!

There is this thought that we behave like we do- Like rotten apples. Mother died and there it was something stuck on her nose. Like Donald Duck. And why she with that on her nose we did not know. We sat looking at her. When last year in the space of some time in a minute she was dead.

She looked like a rabbit. When the world is cruel and worthless of our space. Our time nearing the cause of the end. When we have lived and made matters our own. Mother belonged in a gang. She had told me in some happiness. Dad snarled at her. He was not her. He wanted to be but he was not.

His son would be displeased they gave us protection in order to protect the secret of their father. Well it is out now.

And that is what I said. My my siblings did not laugh. We always knew. They did not say a word. We just stared at her damn. This is a joke. Are we somewhere with no dignity or respect? I just did not criticise anyone or anything.

It would be presuming if we did. What shall we do now we had no one to argue with to contain with to control me. Why I would have no one to care for the money. You will spend it all. It would end us all. Spending it all. Worried sis.

I would show you she had said I would show you what I am and made of. Mother has died and I will make up for her loss. You will hear me out and that will be the end of you. And there she went lying there in that hospital bed having done herself more harm than good. Mother what did you say. Not only that you are bolder than me but more inclined with family manners.

Mother had not done a day's work unless she needed the money. So having not paid her to do all the dinners why she now sat in state soberly looking on and being forced fed as the diamond which we lost?

Uncle wailed on.

He sprightly at eighty odd did not mince along. Somehow that was never going to walk through anybody's door and make them feel safe.

Some sorry competition seem to have preyed on her mind. In the end mother was gobsmacked I could paint. She tried her hand at it. She in the end had to beat everything I did and had. I was so sorry for her yet she just hated me. I did not want to hear her out she said stay with me she had said.

Stay for hours years and do not go out. To go outside would mean I matter less and you will live and I will not. But I left her. Why she dragging me into her bed chamber for? She sadly said tell the doctor tell him to come and take me away. My daughter cannot look after me anymore.

There is somehow this calling this horrible moment. I was not even aware that she had left. She had left after several hours of talking to the nurse and the doctor said there is nothing else left to do. She did do what I asked her for the very first time. What had happened I made something go and she fled the scene. Why and how she going to leave this world had no idea she would die. "she will not look after her mother she has left her to her fate."

"Why mother put me through that?"

" Why put yourself to that why be so dependent?" sneered the sisters.

The tangled web of tears and the tearing down walls. What has happened to all the maturity I had been benefiting from. This is a trick this is wicked lies. Nothing of the sort this is you being sorted. This is the woman you are. This is why we hate you.

"When love died?"

"We died too."

In the clutter of the mind. One moment I am older and the other young. I am most clutter full of something I want to speak to you all. There is too much too soon to think about to feel and be able to feel.

Not much but the strength of these thoughts. Why such sadness and such thinking life is about change. And when someone does not change. There is then stand off. We did not get lost. Somehow in the stand off we found ourselves to be stupid and weak. Because we lived throughout life as someone lost. Everyone knows who and what they are. Some do not. Some never find out who they are. Find me where I am governor find the lost causes the lost. They who are powerful must know. But do they? Are you lost did someone drown you? The psychologist should have told me. The world should have warned me that I was a absolute failed attempt.

Miscarriage was meant.

"We loved her." We who are we and was it meant for me? I do not know they are looking at mum.

What did she do when she alive? What did she look like what happened to make her this enemy? Nobody seems to realise what she was. When did she dispel this me? Why I'm I still thinking about her? Where did she come from what? She came from the street and was renown for herself. She did she make a living. She was a mathematician. Knew the price of stuff. In and why does nothing appear to be sought from her. Eventually she lived for her daughters whom she visited every year. They live in Cyprus most pleasantly. Eventually her line is dead, her phone is dead. Everything about her is dead. Is she deceased or somewhere else?

“Who mattered to her who made her happy what made her sad? Why is she no longer important? A shadow of her former self? Why did she become so angry with the world what did she do wrong?”

“What does it matter what she did. She now the obstacle to our paths get her out of our lives. We live happily and merrily forever afters.”

“Enemy? Yes, I suppose she was.”

Mother I have forgotten who I am. What I was and who used to love me, Mother there is not much of me left but this slob sobbing.

Now because there is nobody to listen to me anymore. That in some romantic novel I belong in the Turkish genre. This sobbing terrified tears out of me. The literary effort which the tutor said was not much compared to the grandness of poetry. I feel that my life is base compared to the grand. Poets do not wash dishes. Some even melt at the thought.

The great and might be this jarring tone. I am now quite out of jink without the right attire or the thought. Where do I belong? In the reality of being this woman who used to be a child tearing down the walls which now enclose humanity.

Most of us now belong in the real world work status and all that.

We are no longer wanted we are wantons.

“ I forgot the Script."

“We must not dare say a word otherwise we would be put in prison.”

“For speaking.”

“Take the pockets out and see if there is anything in them?”

“Found it a fiver.”

“Then we say nothing. Not a word.”

When mummy died it was because she protecting her darling daughter who contracted cancer. Because she slept with someone else. I mean to contract cancer meant she had to die. But mummy died in her place because she paid the price. Well is it not right to feel a little anxious? No because I have been living in this boiling pot for many years and have just simmered into something else.

"Who told you all that?"

" Mum herself."

This girl whom nothing could have unscrewed from laughing now has the fondness for tears. As if they would come immediately she is not aware, Mother the fool, I that said I would never forgive or forget my foolish pride. You did not have sex and was a virgin too long. So we must give it up. Did forgive in the end and I could see what you done to us is wrong.

Rushed in and made yourself at home. Then we battled warred and became enemies of ourselves.

Left us stranded.

And state her case to them. The thing was dad is a criminal. Just change this I never could. Class said they cannot find clues as to who I am.

Both the daddies are criminals. Once or twice charged with murder and all sorts. Is it a crime not to know what that means. We the children hide facts from them. The world. Because in this life crime pays only if one is not caught.

Daddy said." I have since changed my mind."

You see sometimes he pretends to be a daddy and sometimes he is a impossible suitor.

"Your daddy is dead."

"Not quite."

I have tried but he has many states of mind and they all involve crime.

“Daddy raped my mother then he had to become the daddy because mother would not.”

"No he did not rape your ma it was their wedding night and he tore her wedding dress. "

“No one saw how it was?”

“Where did she go?”

“I saw her around.”


“Around me dear never you mind.”

“Never mind.”

Nothing is of interest to society but their own phones and the internet they want to talk and communicate. But this century is about empty prattle no one is really listening to the other person. Then when the other person is listing their grievances it is the right sounds and then the nod. "Hum hum." and the feeling is somehow made better.

is complex and we do not expand that much but in the novels. And this is not a novel. No it is compared to something else and there is nothing of interest. When we do not know the genre and where it came from. So do behave and be a good girl and take your thoughts which are highly unpleasant elsewhere.

"Do not suffer fools gladly," he said and she said it again it is my seconds he said. It is what it is he came with his second in order to make it right the duel which had gone wrong for a long time. Shot me in the heart he did and then left me to bleed.

He did not know about that he did not know and lack of feelings which he had for me because he now with a proper wife and family. It did make me cry all the time and that is because of dad. He thought dad was the very thing which stood in the way of happiness. Jealousy and suspicion so unique he fled the very thoughts of him. He could not bear his within sight. He said it you’re in love with him? No wrong dad that is not my dad. But he did not stop to listen. You see these days people are always busy on the phone or some connection is lost. I was not wearing pretty clothes. He had no idea these were important to him but they were.

He did not sense me or see me he just patted and okay run off. On your bike honey. Sang the words after him. But he did hear and refused to believe that I now so common.

When a man is always inclined to look at glamour his wife being that youthful girl and all that he did not have time a moment or

Life is about this howling lack of will. If I had less in love, I would never have said it but the thinking had left me. I did not feel anything but shame. I felt like something was so dirty inside me. Outside me as if I was covered in dirt. They used the hot water, and left none of it to me. Dad looked so glad that he had.

“The hot water did not work. The gas did not ignite. There was not enough water left in the tank."

"You old fool why don't you fix the damn thing?"

"I am sorry if you wash we can't."

“You worn out filthy cow."

I disliked the whole family because they wanted me to be a mum.

She did not give the seed to us. We offered her thousand pounds to give a egg she refused.

That we as the undersigned do not know a thing about this whole situation?

We loved you.

“Of course, sir do away with me sir.”

“You are in the wrong.” He said in some gentle sorrow.

"We loved you once."

No one really loves anybody unless they are within each others company. Distant love does not work is hard and brings grief.

"This is the wrong person."

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