Sanity was Dying

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Chapter 6

I am unemployed mother because I do not have a wage. I work all the hours which God sends. There is no wage packet no future nor past. There is just this nothing to look forward to.

Someone murdered me. Someone also murdered him. It has no logic nothing but that we do not eventually know where the things which are doing us wrong lived. In us.

I will show her and I went towards B and could never move again. I did not know what had happened. And then he is hypnotised as if mesmerised. I am feeling his struggle. But he is infatuated and he does not see the right the wrong he is involved. There is not much a woman can do.

It is the great ocean and the tidal wave of someone struggling against the odds. We behaved badly. We took from a poor woman and then enriched ourselves. Does it not occur to them that they have robbed me of my life.

While they lived in clover? That we behaved badly but we need a nanny too? To pick up the pieces after we have the bad party. Into adult sex the party continues. The party is over now what do you need now a wet nurse?

I am going to smash him to pieces because he is no longer that. He is no longer anything but a hated objection from the past. Odd and alone this is me. I do not want a trash bag telling me what to do with no breaks. Give me a break give us a break. No holidays and he telling me why it is good to have him around? Why he does not want to talk about his side of the story is.

He met someone else more brilliant like shining star.

He met someone more intelligent and beautiful and an affair turned into a marriage. These things happen. I say understandably annoyed. Then turn to get on with life remaining and want to jerk off go away. He says stay awhile still something there is not? Then turn inward into such rage that I nearly break the television. He is standing underneath the window drawing painting panting for the time he can move from there.

It is nice being so nasty to me and save all that money. The god money which they dislike to give to someone like me has made me bad. They say what we desire is the job done but no money to recompense.

The telly which dad has dropped breaks narrowly severing his thumb.

Because when the money leaves the family business it is not good. Mum is so pleasantly pleasured she gives daddy what he asks for every night.

Business it is not good for their way of life. Nothing doing you have the spare room and the free bath times. The laundry you do and take ours as well. When you finished working all hours then we will make sure you do the rest of the work as well.

We save a lot of money that way.

Mother said when she alive I had nothing on her that her mind was a exclusion zone. She so private she privileged with it. And she was a mere factor to be dealt with when it came to someone like men. I was so easy going that would give it to the worst people.

Probably would enjoy everything by the time I am forty. I did not get to do that. In fact did nothing but work and worry about money. So much that it has made me a bit careful.

His severed thumb sewed back on he came calling in a rage. Did you notice anything in his rage? He sat down and said he was now involved with her. It had everything to do with that moment.

Is there something called love here. Nothing doing there is too much love in the couple she saved his thumb.

"Mum?" I was so ineffectual did not have the ability to stand up for myself.

"I did not do anything."

"Why not stop them?"

"He got up took the television and flew to the window. How dare you he said when I am talking to look at the television?"

A big burly man like him he was sometimes not easy to control.

"Okay I made it up."

"When is she going to tell me the truth." James said he said it over and over again. I nearly lost my thumb.

Having bought themselves a new television they spent their time pleasantly enough.

We marked the time by watching television. Time we swapped lives. Mother said she that bored she wanted my life. So she could take herself out and add to her life. Why because she not the auntie who brought me up.

She like that girl next door. That girl whose mother had run the shop for three years and I was put upstairs? I who was drugged out of the mind? I made to do the sleep walking through the night. Until that too went berserk everything sane went insane in that house.

Why does it matter when he was a okay girl. Then why is it okay not to speak about certain matters. We double take about the things. His thumb a sore point he severely sacked me. He was now on the war path. About time too they smiled to each other. What an idea? The things the right clothes and the right speech mean so much. And she nodded to him and he just said be careful. I know that bitch. And when we did it before and after and then we did it okay. He just nods and leaves and then take someone to bed. They are all the time enjoying the life while we sit and start.

His wife does matter. James the blameless sent the message he involved now. It was over. I do not do socially super and we disliked each other on sight. We did not care to be seen in each others company. He spent the nights with her why did he not spend the days as well? What a good idea he asked me to answer him. Would I love him any less? Not a answer came I thought would never know. I would never want to know.

We destroyed each other.

We did not know when how and what does it cater for the world ?When the rich get everything because they have more power. I powerless stand alone. As she takes care of him. Her whole world is now the centre of laughter. Pretends to care for him? No she is caring for him. He does not drink eats and exercises. She is doing a brilliant job. She and he the central playground.

"We love each other. Strawberry suits me?"

I am left empty handed and take myself out. What is known as hard won dignity take myself away. The tears will come later. When I can grieve. But when I do not matter. All my dignity leaves me.

When laughter rules the world and the worst things happen what do they do? All of us now sat together like lemonade and making the wrong guttural sounds. We need help. But where to go fetch the dog when does he come. Where is my daddy this constant drum inside me.

Where is my daddy? Where is me? What and who I am does not remember does not see. That is good does not remember me. I do not remember him. We can start anew, make her up and make it all go away.

"She is lying through her teeth." said Jane and I do nothing to make her unsay the whole thing. This stinks it is just too much to bear.

The lies begin of course. Not this bright smile leaves. This sunny day and this underneath it all this scum.

This fiend protecting himself looking at his thumb, doing away with the muck. Done with that sorry spot. That sorry wound that had me reeling with pain when the woman now beside me came and took care of me. I am done with that slut. She having to muck in because of what? She will not tell me will never speak. She will tell me in the end or there will be hell to pay..

What no talking now; nothing bad happened to you. Nothing bad. Hush my kiddo nothing at all happens to us what can happen?

“Bad daddy is doing something bad mum.”

Mother tells me stories not right for a girl or woman she must go to the police does nothing but cry. I soon join her. That we are working as we crying nagging at each other. This is total failure. Soon on anti depressants.

Life is such a cruel demon and what do I care now with the pain got rid of it. This is only in the morning. I feel and speak the worse words the words which are not good morning but hellish words. The worst words come in the morning.

“With whom my child your dad is the nicest of man.”

“Men must be awful than?”

“What is your sister doing?”

“I’ll go and see.”

“Gooseberry go away.”

“You are not going to believe this mummy but sister is trying to have sex?”

“Too young honey one does not have sex until at least ten.”

“So, I did not see right?”

“That is the answer.”

“Right answer for a change.”?

What do mummy do wrong? I wondered endlessly if only I knew the answer to the question. The thing was doing not know it felt wrong it just not right in the head or something. I was sympathetic mummy was not right in the head. My suspicions must have showed in my face. She suddenly sent me to my bed. That was why she was doing these strange things. So, mummy had to be put right and to make her do right one had to recondition her. I was going to heal her make her proper thoughts come through.

“Mummy had to go to the doctor.”

“Yes, in order to make her do right.”

So, whenever mummy did wrong off, we went to the doctor. In that way mummy was sure to be seen too. But in the end mummy was not right in the head anyway. Morality and not right in the head are two different things. I had wasted my entire life trying to make her right.

When mummy was not right because she had a hard head. She changed my mind she would not change. I went to daddy to make him right as well? Yes, I was a constant nurse.

“What do you want?”

“To see if you are doing something daddy?”

“See I am worn out now scram.”

“Yes daddy.”

The past and the present sometimes combined to create this perfect world. I was in some in between world. Get a job. Where the wit of me had left me. I was now clinically insane.

Stuff and nonsense which she had fed him about his position. And hers and that they mattered more than me. They had done the trick. That she was now my controller as she the wife. You see hard heads makes for the right social circumstances. People are so cagey of who they are molesting.

The woman had the power over him as well as I. That now I had gone over the edge. It did not mean I was not there. t meant now I did not feel a thing.

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