In the bigger picture there are many thoughts which conflict. In the various forms we live in and make our lives meaningless or with meaning there is nothing to say but to say the last words as daddy said. If one says the last word then one is right.
In Britain we live in a culture which says we can do anything to anybody as long as we are not found out. I mean something to something but what there is nothing without meaning this insect like me must mean something. I crawled I howled and then lifting myself up said the worst thing possible daddy I can out think you. Daddy got a bit strange and lifted his giant height and said if you can become like me an earner then of course you may say the wise words to all and everybody. But daddy is a cheater he does not play fair. He makes me feel that my hands are not working right and then he does everything so quickly it is nothing to do with me not trying.
“I am nothing to do but to make you see sense never interfere with the system never get into bigger than what your boots are.” Said daddy wisely.
I am very silent because the thing is never was out of trouble. My troubled life began in the early days when there was nothing to do but toady to them women, I could never become a toad. So, daddy had made a bad bargain? Of course, did not catch on what a woman had to do to pleasure men as daddy called it.
This is a random life as if someone else’s. Come and visit this random world within the place called the heart and call it what it is. The heart is like a roving eye and it does not stay the same although somethings do remain the debris the foolishness of make believes all go. That reality is the thing which the heart clutches onto. What is the heart to do what is this life but what to do nothing to make of it but to see the stars to see life as it should be seen? Everyone sees it differently daddy. But the thing is my child it is what I see. Fearful seeking the truth about myself I did nothing at all for some years yearning to be a someone yet fearing to be that someone because then I would be pickled and by daddy of all people.
“Does it matter that he did nothing?”
He waited because he on a long journey and he had plenty to choose from he said so. A bad man lives a long-time mother said.” Does a woman too who is bad”, asked B.
Mother hissed,” you do not need to fear my child.”
“What did she mean?” I asked and B looked smug and put out that mummy did not continue with the character which she had. I did not know what was going on between them something wrong something worse must have happened I continued to pretend we a normal family then maybe they would be. The thing is there is not much there inside this room but secrets.
“What does it matter there is nothing the matter with us at all.” She snapped shut her bag and left the room. Then we heard her close herself in the room next door and there is a moment when we were aware, we were out in the cold. Her leaving the room was felt as a desertion we did not know why. It felt unsafe when she not there inside the smaller room. She did not return for some time and then the girls went to fetch her one of them four the other five. They did what they were supposed to be before the stopping of the machine was noticed. The landlord seems to rule us and there was this rule that we had to make the machine run and run. Until the rule was broken because mother went on running past midnight and the landlord said only till nine o’clock.
Someone crying in the rain nowhere the tears can show and the flow of them is that there are buckets of it left. When I am crying there is no reaction except one of embarrassment here, she goes again the thing is no one must hear me, it is an embarrassment it is depression it is as if someone should stop it because it is not normal to be so unhappy.
I want to answer look I had a hard rock and shoulder and no one has been so hard up in the West as us as someone like us. Well that is not true is it and they are chirpy and look forward to life and stop your shaming when dancing is more important. Even if we live in the West the westerners do not understand where we come from, they are not even on the same page. Most of them live in their cups and ordering a drink takes all their brain power. Brains of the western males is their bottoms up and going.
“Where can I dance?”
“Dance in the street instead of crying.”
“I have no opportunities.”
“Look thrive and behave.”
“We are stronger together.”
“I am depressed.”
In this world when I was a girl in the 1970’s and before things took an unexpected turn. Look said it out loud daddy. The thing is not much would happen where daddy was nearby because he put a stop to it. Because I had destroyed his life and he did not care for me. I had not taken his life and shaken it I had given up so much of my life for him to be having all the parties.
“Now daddy shall have to go to prison in order to work out and do his sums right.”
“Your daddy is a qualified accountant.”
“But daddy must use his mind to make the matters straight.”
“Scrimp and save so the rich daddy can spend it in one go?”
“That is your father and he do what he does because it is right.”
“Spending all my hard-earned money in one night is never right he has to go.”
“You owe your father money for giving your life”.
“He saved your life.”
“Nothing doing it was nothing to do with him his family grandmother Mess saw to it and she was a power to be reckoned with until he wore her down.”
“How did he wear her out?”
“She was diabetic.”
This is not true- this is true -this is not true- it is and all.
Why does nothing get done until there is this issue round the world the worst thing that can happen now if she loses her temper and what shall we do about it? Damn right there is not much anyone can do we are all tied to her our hands are all tied up. That we did not make the world right in one day or night. Change is slow and we are slow to behave. Look there is nothing but change that is the trouble is it not? Again, daddy and she went and tried to rob me. What does it matter when the world is never going to be anything but mean to me and people like me?
People-people milling to be round you?”
“You are a romance to be with.”
“Irony is it?”
“Child why so truthful?”
“I had to wait so many years before I could speak the truth.”
“Why did not you speak sooner?”
“So much depended on my silence.”
“This is not a happy place with happy senses adding to the romance of life there is nothing but this disaster waiting for the likes of your family to happen.”
“Is it like an earthquake waiting to happen?”
“No like a volcanic eruption.”
“I am here there and everywhere trying to stop her mouth.” Said daddy.
“I am trying to improve myself daddy like you said I should.”
Then father begins to rant and there is no stopping him when he begins that sort of rant and he never takes a breather and is always in total control. Like a mimic like a total poet like a total tool with language he does not stop. He is mesmerising. Everyone says he speaks as if he is in their total body control. Language body and tone in perfect coordination and if there is no one listening they come as if to magnetised to move as if the movement is towards his voice adding to this there is nothing wise in what he says nothing new but what he says is mesmerising like the moon to the sea nagging like this seashore which then pours into applause and money and power. It is terrifying I think Hitler must have had the same crowd control as daddy.