Werewolf of Hollywood
My name is Alexandria Morgan but most people call Alex and I take pictures of porn stars for a living. My pictures mainly consist of people fucking, genitalia, hard dicks, the usual for porn. What I am doing now isn’t art or even relevant I am taking pictures that I know will be used for guys jerking off.
One would think that being a porn photographer would be the most interesting thing about me but its not. When I was sixteen my parents sent my off to some Christian Ministry bullshit thing out of the country not because but because they wanted me to help spread the word of God. At the time I thought it was what I wanted too but ever since this happened I have had to re-examine what I truly want.
We did the normal missionary things harass the locals and pressure them into converting to our religion because our religion was the right religion. One night at our camp we were attacked by werewolf and everybody except for myself was killed. You might think it was because I was tougher or smarter than the others but the truth is the only reason why I survived the attacked was because the werewolf was horny and instead of killing me it decided to rape me and turn me all in werewolf form.
It was horrible being raped by this monster and what made it worse was the fact that I was a virgin at the time. After everything happened I was never the same again and I could no longer relate to the life that I had. I don’t speak to my family or former friends and I left my home town ten years ago.
When I arrived in Los Angeles I met some porn people who tried to get me in front of the camera but after being raped by a werewolf the idea of me having sex was extremely terrifying and they never were able to get me in front of the camera. Originally I thought that they would want to have nothing to do with me once they realize that there was no way that I would ever get in front of the camera but to my shock they actually accepted it and helped me find work in other parts of the industry and that is how I became a photographer.
I really can’t complain about the job it is super easy and it pays well and every full moon they don’t ask why I’m not around. The only annoying thing that comes up every once and awhile is that I get some guys and girls that are in front of the camera trying to get into my pants but again not going to happen. The idea of being with anyone is extremely terrifying and even if I could come to grips with what happen how could I tell anybody about it or what I had become because of it.
It’s not like I could ever have an honest relationship with anyone how could I trust anyone with a secret this big. Honestly I doubt that someone could handle a secret this big and they would probably think that I am a monster and who am I kidding I am a monster. I have killed people directly and indirectly over the years because of my secret.
I live in constant fear of being discovered and being destroyed because of it. I originally came to Los Angeles in hopes of meeting others like me or at least other supernatural creatures and I haven’t met any others so far and it has been very lonely so far. One would think that this would be the monster capital of the world but California is very sunny and it is something that is very hard for me to stand and I guess it is something that other monster had a problem with too but I guess that I have a higher tolerance.
Well anyways the annual lets see who can get Alex into bed contest has started and I hate admitting this but it is kind of working for once. As much as I try to I can’t get this one guy out of my head his name is Xavier Croft which is his real name and he also uses his real name is porn a rarity for porn but hey ever since Jenna Jameson came along most of the made up names aren’t as stupid as they use to be.
Xavier left the business for a little while after he married one of his co-stars Katya they both decided that they wanted to be faithful to one another and it didn’t last long. At twenty three years old Xavier was going through his first divorce and diving right back into the business all in the manner of three months. Despite Xavier a perpetual slacker and screw up with no real drive in his life except for getting laid and playing in his band there was something very charming about his.
He is a genuinely good singer and he could have made it as a rock star had he decided not to get into porn instead. I’ve tried to help him market him and his band but he never listen to my suggestions. He always wants the photos of the band to be very graphic in sex but I have tried to explain to him that he needs to be able to have their records displayed in places like Wal-Mart and Target and can’t do that with pubes in the photos but he never listen.
However with his faults I always find myself having a good time with him, he makes me feel free, he almost makes me feel human. I enjoy listening him sing, I love his wicked sense of humor he always makes me laugh, and before he came along I can honestly say I wasn’t into video games but I am now. I really like him more than I should and I shouldn’t bring him into my world.
Its funny how he thinks that I am this sweet innocent creature and he the one corrupting me if he only knew. Xavier sleeps with a lot of different women and honestly it doesn’t bother considering what happened to me I don’t care that he sleeps with different women and just as long as it isn’t me. So far I have been able to keep him at bay but it gets harder and harder to because I feel such a connection with him and I feel myself becoming more protective of him and I know its the wolf in me and I need to protect him from myself.
Being on various shoots and sets I can tell the difference between a genuine erection and fake one. One night Xavier came to me house with the goal of seducing me and it nearly worked but that was before I smelled the viagra on him. He was twenty three old and the idea of having sex with me couldn’t get him hard on his own so he had to take a pill.
I was beyond angry with him and I started throwing things at him and yelling at the top of my lungs. He counter about how he had sex with lots of women all day long and the reason why he couldn’t get hard wasn’t because he didn’t find me attractive it was just that he didn’t have enough juice to get hard on his own that he wasn’t a machine. It didn’t matter to me I told him the next time he came at me that it better be a real hard on and not a fake one and that I would know the difference and then he left.
Despite my obvious issues like any woman I hate the idea on man having to take a pill to sleep with me. The idea of sleeping with me doesn’t turn you on enough to get hard to sleep with you have to take a pill no thank you to that. If I am ever going to get over my issues I at least want to know that my partner genuinely desires me.
I think he was telling the truth that he does desire me but it was hard for him to get it up for me because he sleeps with women all day long. I was rough on him for a number of reasons but I don’t think I have to worry about him trying to sleep with me for awhile. Xavier is basically a grown child and he doesn’t know how to act like an adult.
Despite being in Los Angeles for the last eight years without any luck of meeting another supernatural creature doesn’t mean that I haven’t stopped looking. I do my research online, and also ordering books about the occult, going to occult shops, talking to so called occult experts but nothing has paid off. After this happened I had to figure things out for myself because my maker wasn’t there to greet me and even if he had been I probably would have tried to kill him after what he did.
Los Angeles has to be one of the most overpopulated cities in the world and everyday I am surrounded by wall to wall people and everyday I feel alone. I am alone, I’m surrounded by humans that have no idea of what it is like to be like this or the things that I have gone through because of this. Even if I allowed myself to have a human in my life namely Xavier how could I be honest with him and he has always been so honest and open with me.
Could he handle full moon because I sure as hell know that I can’t handle them. Every transformation is always so extremely painful and the mornings after the transformation are always a billion times worse than a typical hangover. Luckily I work in porn and various drugs are readily available.
One of Xavier’s best qualities is that he hates drugs and whenever he sees somebody he cares about doing or getting drugs he does his best to try and get them to stop. Occasionally he has seen me buy drugs and I can tell that it breaks his heart and he always tells me that I’m better than this that I don’t need to this and sometimes he even threaten to turn me into the authorities if I don’t stop but he never does. I wish I could tell him what I was and what it does to me on full moons and how use the pills to try and less in the pain before the transformations and after them.
For some reason if I don’t kill a human being during a transformation the pain is always worse the next morning. I don’t kill people every full moon but when the pain gets to the point where drugs can’t even help I do kill somebody during a full moon. When this first happened I was in complete denial over what happened to me and the first I transformed was disatrous not only for myself but those around me.
With the money I made in porn I was able to buy an abandoned warehouse and convert it into a home fairly cheap. The warehouse has a sub basement where I can take an elevator down and then it has stairs that I have to go down to a room that I had converted into a panic room and I set the timer for the next morning. When I get to the point that I can’t take the pain I go to a club and I promise some guy sex if he come home with me and it never fails.
I bring them home and I tell them that I have a special room with all types of sex toys and they always follow me to their doom. Once they enter the room I lock them in the room with me and I start to turn and they always give off a horrific and then beg for their lives. The next I wake up next to bones because I always pick the meat off of them and then I have to dispose of their bodies.
When I was converting the warehouse I convinced the workers that I wanted an artist studio so I had them build a big firing pit for sculptures. Instead of sculptures I put human bodies into to cremate to eviscerate the evidence. I don’t keep the ashes I usually scatter them at sea since most people say thats what they want.
I know that this must seem harmless but again if your not a werewolf then you’ll never know what this is like. I’m always in pain and if I don’t feed on a full moon the pain gets worse and then also being alone has taken a tole on me. Everyday I feel as though my sanity is slipping further and further away from me.
I’ve seen The Vampire Diaries on and off and those other supernatural show and there all stupid as hell. If I was human watching from the outside trying to figure out what it was like to me a monster I might believe it but the truth is that human could ever know what it is like to be like this. These shows make it out to be glamorous and exciting and when all it is, is painful, shameful, and it leaves you with a lot of regret.
I’ve actually tried to become more spiritual since this has happened but have failed miserably so far. Before this I was a Christian and after this I am trying my hand at Buddhism but I’m not doing a good job. I was very repressed person before all of this happened and that is why the bite didn’t kill me.
“Even a man with a pure of heart can be turned into a wolf when the moon is full and wolfsbane blooms.” I believe that is the saying and I understand more now than I ever could have as a human. A person can do so much good on the outside but if there is anything that they are keeping bottled in its going to come out after the bite there is burying it after that.
The opposite is also true if Xavier were ever bitten I know that he would turn because he is way too over indulgent. The bite turns most people but there are some that I know the bite would just kill them and I don’t know how I know it but I just do. I am studying on how to achieve balance in my life I can’t really say that I am trying because I haven’t used any of the techniques that I have been learning about.
I have done some truly horrible things that I know that I will never be forgiven for especially by myself ever since I was turned but the one good thing that I haven’t done is turn anybody. I hope that I can keep from turning anybody into a monster like myself because this is a fate worse than death. I wish my maker would have just killed me instead of raping me and turning me into a monster like he did.
Every night I dream about that night me waking up to horrifying screams and then my dumb ass going towards the screams to see what was wrong instead of fleeing the screaming. I see him ripping the throat out of one of the missionaries with its jaw and then it sees me and then I run but it was meaningless for it was stronger and faster than me. I see road in a distance and I run to it thinking that I can make it and I almost did when it caught up with me and slammed me into bolder.
I can hear my bones breaking and I start spitting up blood and I turn around to try and get away from the beast and pain is too much for me to bere but I know that I have to keep going on. It shoves me to the ground and it starts clawing at my nightgown and I was expecting to die then but then unexpected happened I could feel it inside of me. It wasn’t going to kill me because it was horny and it was going to force itself on me.
The creature wasn’t in human form it was in its wolf form but it really didn’t look like a wolf to me. It had to be twice the size of a regular wolf its eyes were blood red, its claws looked like razor blades and that unholy growl I’ll never forget it as it was growling while it was thrusting itself on me. I wanted to blackout I wanted to be able to pretend that I was somewhere else but for some reason I couldn’t and then I just started praying that it would kill me.
When it was finally finished I thought it would kill me for sure and to tell you the truth that’s what I wanted it to do but instead it stared at me for awhile. I did absolutely nothing I was frozen in fear not sure what it was going to do next. I could hear sirens in the distance and so could and that’s when it left me alive and forever change by what happened.
My family was notified about what happened to me and as soon as I was well enough I left that country forever. I know where my maker is or at least where he was but I must admit the thought of running into my maker either in wolf for or human for terrifies me. He’s been at this longer than I have and he must know things that I don’t that helps him be better at this than I am.
My fear in running into him is that he’ll either rape me again or do some other horrors to me and that I will have no chance at all of stopping him. My first transformation didn’t happen until I came back to the states and after that there was no more denying what I was and the people that I killed with that first transformation probably wish that I hadn’t denied it. After that point it became a learn as you go process there was no one there to teach me what being a werewolf meant.
Even though there are kill’s that I regret there are those that I don’t regret. Some of the people that I have killed were truly innocent and they didn’t deserve what I did to them but those kills were mainly in the beginning when I had first been turned and had no clue what it mean to be like this. As things progressed I learned how to chose my victims and how to do kills in a controlled way so that no innocent person was harmed.
I know killing is wrong and all but unless you are a werewolf you have no idea of what this is like and no one should judge me unless they are in my shoes. The people work with think that I am some sweet southern belle who shouldn’t be in their world because it might corrupt me but if they only knew it wasn’t their world they should be afraid of but mine. I think the reason why I like the people I work with is because they are at the very edge of human darkness that they come very close to being in my world without actually being in it.
I see now that I myself was in the dark because of family’s influence with me with the race, religious, gender, and gay hate that they installed in me. My foot was always one step away from this world until my maker violently pushed me into it forever. I dug this hole myself and have fallen into it and no matter how much I try to crawl out of it I always fall back into it.
After my encounter with my maker I was bloodied and bruised and couldn’t move at all for the first few days. I kept hoping that I would die or at least lose conscience for a while and go to a happy dream place but that didn’t happen. In fact I had such a horrible time sleeping that after the fifth day of no sleep they finally doped me up so that I could sleep.
I couldn’t even escaped what happened in my dreams all I could see was that demonic form on top of me and pounding my body into the ground. When it first happened and I was in the hospital I was certain that I would come out with more scars than I did. The only scars from that encounter that I carry with me to this day are the ones on my back when my maker shoved me to the ground the rest of injuries healed.
Whenever I get injured I heal faster than I did before I guess there are some perks to being a monster. Every morning I stare at my back remembering what had happened to me and what I had become. The only person who has seen my back out here in La, La land was a female porn star going by the name Jade Hollow and the only reason why she did is because she was trying to cop a glance of me naked.
Earlier that day she had conveniently spilled something on my blouse and I had to change in the back. She came in the back room by accident she claimed and then she saw my back and she was horrified by what she saw. She came over to me and put her hand on my, “what happened to your back?”
Obviously I couldn’t tell her the whole truth about what happened but I could tell her enough of it to where she wouldn’t be suspicious of what really happened. After she found out that I had been raped she gave me this real pitiful look and I told that I didn’t need her sympathy and not to say anything about it to anybody else and she agreed. Ever since then she has stopped hitting on me and she encourages others not to hit on me but I have a feeling that she still wants something to happen between us.
I know that most people have heard of the term gay for pay where a performer who is normally straight will have sex with a member of the same sex for money but in Jade’s case I think that she is straight for pay. Whenever she is doing a scene with a guy and the camera isn’t in her she lets her disgust of sleeping with a guy show but when that camera hits her she can really act like she is enjoying it. She obviously wants someone in her life not only has she come on to me in the past but she really overly tries with the girls that she does scenes with for them to go out with her.
She is nice but a little too needy in my opinion and if she was looking for a relationship this is the wrong business to do it in. Jade should go to a gay bar or go to a matchmaker but even if she did find someone she wouldn’t be able to make it work because of what she does. It's so obvious to everyone that she is looking for someone and if she really wants someone then she should get out of the business but I am not going to say anything to her I learned a lesson a long time ago about doing that.
Jade looks like a lot of the girls who have been in front of the camera for five or more of years, overly bleached blond hair, clown boobs where there so to the point of being so big that it is obvious that there fake and you can tell a mile away and you can see the shape and number of the implants. Also she kind of looks a little masculine from the face implants and injections to her face and she is only twenty- four but has been in the business since she was eighteen and I guess she feels the need to compete with the farm girls that get off the bus here every day. I need to stop she is nice and even though I couldn’t tell the entire truth about what happened to me I could tell her enough of it and she listens and she doesn’t tell anybody what I tell her.
I wish I was gay or even bi it would make my life so much easier but I’m not. Since I’m not that only leaves me with one option men or in my case boys who never grew up and live out their childhood fantasies being porn stars everyday. I find that the younger guys are actually cute and charming and I can see why they do it but when you get into your forties and fifties and your still fucking teenagers is grosse and very pathetic. I’m sure guys don’t see it that way at all and they probably think it is cool but when you get to a certain age and you a hot young thing fucking you she wants something and its usually money.
These guys fuck teenagers on their off time and my point is when you get in your forties and fifties and you still feel the need to have sex with young girls on camera to show the world there is something profoundly wrong with you. The women are slightly better than the men but not by that much. A woman in her forties or fifties can’t compete with girls that are in their late teens and twenties especially in this business and it is so sad and pathetic watching these old cougars trying to keep up.
The girls who have been in the business for five years look worn down and tattered from the body punishing sex and various plastic surgeries but the ones who have been in the business for twenty or thirty years look a lot worse. Whenever one of them does a scene it always looks like a train wreck and yet I can’t keep my eyes off of it. If I didn’t have such crippling emotional issues I might become a performer I sometimes think and then I look at the bitches that are in their forties and fifties and then I come to my senses and realize that I don’t.
Most of the people in this business have tattoos and they usually question me on why I don’t have a tattoo and I lie and say its not my thing. The truth is after the first year in this business I did get a tattoo and then came a moon night where I learned why tattoos will never work for me. The next morning after the full moon I looked in full body mirror and the tattoo that I had was gone.
When I shed my mortal form I also shed the tattoo that I had gotten and when I returned to my human form the tattoo didn’t grow back with the human skin that I formed. After that I just figured that there wasn’t any point in me trying to get another tattoo if they go away with full moons. I don’t hate tattoos at all most of the people that I work with have beautiful body art.
Sometimes I like to torture myself by wondering if there was a cure for my condition if there was anyway for me to go back to being human and I always come up with the same answer no. Its something that has existed for thousands of years and humans have been able to find cures for other things but never this. I suppose that it also something outside of the realm of human understanding and mine too but I can’t help but think about it sometimes.
Even by some magical miracle I was able to find a cure could I easily go back to being human. I was human for the first sixteen years life and for the past ten years I’ve been like this. I still have memories of my human life but it feels more like a fading dream that gets harder and harder to hold onto with each passing day.
I know how to pretend to be human, how to fake feelings and interactions with others but I don’t think that I have the ability to really do those things. It is so hard being around only humans all the time and I wish I could find another supernatural creature that I could relate too. The humans that I hang around with tred on the dark side but their not fully immersed in the pit like I am.
I think it is only reason why I feel comfortable around them because on some sick level there is that connection that we have in common but still they can’t relate to my world. I watch the new piece of meets come on set and have their agents, directors, executives, all sorts of people bullying them into anal, double penetration, gang bangs, you name it and the farm girls usually do it all in the hopes of being the next Jenna Jameson. I really don’t blame them for talking the farm girls into doing it their just catering to the sick fantasies of the consumers.
As dark as this world is I think that the consumers minds are a lot darker than this place. The companies have these chat sites where the girls can communicate with the fans occasionally and the questions are usually sick and perverted. And even when the girls are not communicating with them I go onto these sites to see what the freaks are saying and again its usually sick.
When the freaks chat with the girls they want to know if swallow when the guys spray them in the mouth, their thoughts on double penetration or why do they not do double penetration if their a real slut they would do double penetration, and another thing the most important thing that makes them a real slut anal and God forbid if they don’t do anal because its the worst thing not to do in these freaks minds, and finally they ask gang bangs. I can’t talk about guys coming into the girls mouths because the ones who do it don’t mind but I can tell you none of them swallow it after the director yells cut they all spit it out and usually wash it out with liquor and spit it out some more. Double penetration always seems very gay to me two dicks that are hard and touching one another screams gay to me.
Anal the freaks favorite thing and again very, very gay if they want anal so much they should watch gay porn which I’m sure most of them do and they should also find a guy to do it with. Women do not have a pancreas so there is no joy out of it and I think that the whole anal thing is an excuse for guys to live out their secret gay desires. The girls that I know who do it are usually very doped up because again women don’t have a pancreas that is being poked when it is up there, or they have done it so many times that the guys get no sensation what so ever from it that they have to use but rings for the girls.
Gang bangs are something for men that truly hate women and they get to see their fantasies of violence against women played out. Like I said the consumers minds are a lot darker than the porn industry and sometimes when I am really hungry I look up one of these freaks to take down to my basement. All the girls that I know that do it are doped up when they do it, I wish I could go after these freaks all the time but that would leave a pattern and its runs the risk of me being exposed but its nice when I can do it.
I also like to see what the freaks have to say on the chat forums and it's always disgusting. So many sick and twisted thoughts run rampant on those sites I remember one guy talking about this one anal scene where the guy pulled out and went to her mouth apparently the girl didn’t do an enema before the scene which tells me she must have been brand new because the girls who have done this for even a few weeks know to do an enema. Well anyways there was some fecal matter on the guy’s dick and they laughed about how she was sucking her own shit and they thought it was funny when the guy smacked the girl with his dick on her face and it left shit spots.
These freaks are huge Max Hardcore fans I will say one really good thing about the industry is that most of us have an extreme hatred and disgust for the man. Max Hardcore is a sick fuck who dress the women in little girl outfits and makes them say that their twelve he is basically the how to guy for aspiring pedaphiles. He does a lot of other things that he knows will bring a lot pain for the girls and when he went to prison I was honestly hoping that he would get raped in there and die some horrible death but sadly that didn’t happen.
The freaks also laugh when a girl cries when she is in obvious pain from a scene, the industry doesn’t make girls make bad choices but it doesn’t mean that they won’t coerce the shit out of girl till she gives in and they don’t beat up the girls to do well at least the ones I work with. The more graphic side of the business tends to make more money for everyone involved so they absolutely talk a girl into it. If they catch a humiliating act or someone who is in obvious pain all the better because the freaks are more likely to buy it.
Whenever I get a chance to bring a freak to my basement I take it there are some victims of mine that I do feel guilt over but I don’t feel guilty about the freaks. I don’t change right away on moon night only when the moon is at its is when I change because of this I have a little bit of time to get them to the basement. I’m always in pain because of what I am but moon nights are the worse and I have to be very high to get through it.
The kills use to bother me when this first happen to me but with each kill it became easier. I try to feel something about it but I don’t and I also think because of the fact that when I do kill I tend worst humans to bring to the basement. I’d like to say that the reason that I don’t kill that often is for moral reasons but that would be a lie I think the reason why I don’t kill that often is the fear of being exposed and destroyed.
Like I said the people work with think that I am some sweet southern belle and that I don’t belong in their world. Even with their obvious flaws most of the people that I work with our better than me. The people I work with are extremely flawed and damaged and yet I see an inner light in them trying to get out.
Another thing that we have in common trying to drag ourselves out of the darkness and not being able to. Most of the performers are high school dropouts with very little opportunities since the regular world its either having sex for money on camera or low income fast food job. Society doesn’t give you much of a chance to break away from your social standing.
Whenever the girls give an interview and their asked why they decided to get into this business they always give the same bullshit answer, “ I got into the business for the amazing sex.” No bitch you got into the business because you had zero opportunities in the real world so you came here. I wish one of them would have the guts to say why their doing what their doing but that would break the fantasy of the hyper sexual woman of the consumers.
I know why the men get into this business for the sex but after awhile they realize it isn’t that great. All those fake sounds that the girls make and pretending to orgasim the guys will never admit it but it gets to them. The girls don’t get off on it at all to them the guys are just a paycheck.
These girls go through guys like tissue paper all these guys are to these girls is a paycheck in the beginning I don’t think they care but after awhile it weighs on them and then they trust any woman when it comes to sex and then start dating guys a lot of them in their personal lives. Knowing all of this why am I attracted to a performer I should know better than this. I like Xavier a lot more than I should and I know that it would be in both of our interest for me to stay away from him and it is killing me.
Xavier is an immature brat who never grew up and lives in a shit hole and has no real prospects for his future. His childlike behavior is somehow endearing to me and when he cares about someone he goes all out for them and he is a talented musician. He has a lot of good and bad qualities unlike me where as mine are all bad.
Its not like I see him alot he is a free lance performer who works for different studios unlike me where I photograph at one. I don’t photograph for Vivid I work for a smaller porn studio that mainly caters to farm girls coming off the bus but occasionally there are veterans that come in. Porn is like a small community in away even though there are shit load of performers coming into the business each and everyday.
Eventually we find out who will stay in the business or who will be packing their bags to whatever small town they came from crying in a matter of months. The girls get a lot lee way in this business but if guy tries to get into porn and he can’t get his dick hard right away he will get fired in a matter of weeks. Porn is a walking breathing traggetty that I love to watch ever since I was turned I seemed to be attracted to humanities dark side.
Human suffering is so intoxicating for some reason it gives off such a unique scent don’t get me wrong there are those rare occasions where I come upon people who are happy and it smells nice yet for some odd reason I stay away from it. Maybe werewolves are the universe’s way of cleaning up the filth in the mortal because there just so much of it there I go again trying to incorporate buddhism into my fucked up life. If I was destroyed I wonder what karmic hell awaits me in my next carnation.
I wonder about that a lot if people will ever catch onto what I am and what will happen if they do. Two scenarios always run in my head either I will get destroyed or the government will keep me alive to perform various experiments, My life is so different from what I thought it would be as a little girl.
When I was a little I expected to be a stay at home mom, married to a preacher with four kids by now, not single and working as a photographer in the porn industry. I thought I wanted kids so badly back then and now the thought of children creeps me out. As for the stay at home thing I don’t think I have it in me to do that at all if someone ever tried to make me stay at home I would make their lives a living hell and they would deserve it.
The main thing I can’t get over is the type of man that I am drawn to now compare to what I thought I was attracted to. Ever since I got turned I feel no real draw to Christianity for me I suppose its the whole humans are better than any other species thing and also humans are the only ones with souls which I don’t believe. The one good thing about this it made me open my eyes to how evil Christianity is towards anyone who isn’t a straight but most religions are like that and I chose a religion that isn’t as evil as most of the one out there.
So you can see why I wouldn’t want to be with a preacher anymore and I ended up choosing someone that is a polar opposite of a preacher. Xavier the rock and roll porn star with the love of things childish, he is heavily pierced going through a divorce at twenty three, and he is an atheist to boot.
Not to mention also being a monster was never a part of the plan but as bad as things are its better than being a conservative stay at home wife with a bunch of snot nose brats. When it comes to my life now there is only one thing that I would change and that is not being a werewolf. The truth is I like my life the way that it is now except the part about being a monster.
Even when there isn’t even a moon night I can still feel the effects of being like this. I am so much stronger than any human can imagine to be and my senses are always at a high ten state. I’m also always in a state of supper aggression where the slightest thing can piss me off and I think if I wasn’t in the porn industry it would be something easily noticed and that would often get me into trouble.
In the porn industry there are so many people on drugs including me mood swings are just part of the norm. I care about Xavier and yet he fucks other girls in front me sometimes and yet it doesn’t bother me lucky him. What usually bothers me is if I hear someone saying shit about me behind my back or someone fucks with my equipment that I bought myself.
Remorse is something that I am lacking for the most part sometimes I do feel guilty for the things that I have done but then I just get over it. Humans think that they live in the real world and monsters are just fantasy their world is the fantasy not ours. For the most part I do wish that I was human but to be human is not to live in the real world, being this way I know exactly what’s out there, there are no blinders.
In a way it’s kind of exciting that I know things about the world and how really works unlike most of the people living on the planet. In my former life I was certain how the world worked but when I became like this everything was stripped down and rebuild into the true image of how things work. My world is filled with all types of scary monsters that go bump in the night as hard as it to believe my world isn’t as scary as the human world.
The first time I had ever experienced a moon night being like this was when I first arrived back in the country and I was at my parents house laying in my bedroom. The moon wasn’t quite at its peak yet but I found myself strangely drawn to the woods that laid outside our back yard. I opened my window and jumped from a three story flight and landed on my feet.
I started running further and further into the woods as I was ripping off my clothes not knowing why. The running stopped as soon as the moon reached its peak and then came the worse pain I ever felt in my life and thats saying something considering the fact that I was raped by a werewolf. I don’t remember anything from that first transformation and I consider it somewhat of a blessing back then that has since gone away recently I have started to remember what happens during a transformation and it is not pretty.
Well anyways about that first transformation when the son came up I returned to my human form and I could see ripped up, torn up bodies but it took me hours to recover from the transformation and I would go in and out of consciences. When I was able to at least move around I started to realize what I had done and I was horrified by it and I was naked and covered in blood there was no more denying what I had become. The people that I had killed were campers and I won’t lie and say that my thoughts were towards my victims they were in a way but my main concern was getting all the blood off of me.
I kept thinking I need to get this blood off of me I can’t have these peoples blood on me. I started looking for a lake because I just wanted to wash all of the blood off and I look back on it now and I realize it was my pathetic attempt to absolve myself of what I had done. I finally found a lake and I dunked myself in it and kept trying to scrub away all of the blood and when the blood was away I kept scrubbing because I didn’t feel like it was off of me.
Eventually I got out of the lake and made my way back to the camp not that I wanted to go back to the scene of the crime but I was completely naked and I needed clothes. I tried not to focus bodies but instead try and find a duffle bag and eventually I did. As I looked at the scene I wondered if I should leave everything as it was or if I should burn the bodies to hide any potential evidence.
I was brand new back then and I was still figuring things out on my own which was hard. After the first incident there were more killing on my part because I had difficult keep up with moon nights and figuring out which places could hold me on moon nights. Never in a million year think that my family or the people in the town I lived in would figure it out which they and I was pretty much driven out of town by a pitch wielding mob.
After that I figured I needed to go to a place where murder was a common thing so Los Angeles was perfect for me. I also knew that I needed to be more careful so I got a subscription to this organization that tracks moon cycles and send me stuff so I know when a moon night pops up. The hardest part was when I didn’t have my sub basement to go to and it was very difficult finding a place that could hold me on a moon night so you can imagine how happy I was when I got my basement that it so sad but hey I’m a werewolf trying to be responsible.
For a bunch a redneck, trailer trash, idiots the people in my hometown were right on about me. It took them a few years to figure it out but unfortunately they did and they wanted to kill me for their God. The only reason why I got out of that town was because my parents they took me to the state border and told me that I was on my own and that they never wanted to see me again and if they did that they would kill me and from the look in their eyes I believed them.
After I had been so coldly kicked out of my family I had to re-evaluate my values and figure out a whole new set of beliefs. One of the things that I too really think about was whether or not I should kill myself. I did consider it for the longest time but every religion that I read all basically said the same thing that there were serious consequences for such an action.
So I decided to live and came out here because murders happen everyday here and also I thought that I might meet another supernatural creature. Things didn’t work out the way that I expected them too but hey I am getting by. I have a job and a place to live and at least I am behind the camera not in front of it.
Even in a place as evil as Hollywood murders can be noticed if you leave a pattern and so it more than needed be. So I try not to kill anybody until I can’t take the hunger anymore and I try to kill someone that is a different race, status, religious beliefs, height, from the last guy that I killed. For the most part I try to lead a human life granted as a junkie living in the waste of human society but I value normal from the wastelands perspective.
I don’t think I would fit in with a normal nine to five job with so called normal people. I belong to the darkness and porn is as dark as one can go. I will admit that I do hate the bitches who leave the business and somehow try to convince people that they were forced into that they didn’t have a choice.
I work with these bitches on a daily basis they all have a choice there are girls coming off the buses everyday coming straight to porn because they all want to be the next Jenna Jameson. With so many girls willing to get into this business they don’t need to coerce anyone but I understand why they do it. The bitches get out of the business then some guy they know gets their hands on one of their old pornos and then the people around start being mean to them and they just want to get the approval and love back from a bunch of uptight pre madonna bitches.
I would never want to be in front of the camera but besides that I don’t hate the business. I take pictures of various genetiles in different forms and also people fucking I have the easiest job on earth. Do I think that the business should ever be mainstreamed no even though I know that the majority wants to. Its adult entertainment and it should stay that way, I don’t think that children should be apart of our world not that I let anyone that I work with know that it should be mainstreamed.
Not only do I have the onscreen talent trying to do me practically every second but I also have to deal with some leeches behind the camera. Again I’m stronger than any human and if I get a leech alone all I have to do is man handle them a little bit and let them know who the boss is and its like these dudes will ever admit that they got beaten up by a woman. As challenging as it is to be a part of the human world it still nothing compared to my supernatural life.
Anytime I smell human blood it just sets me off it so enticing and I want to give into those cravings but I know that I can’t. The unfortunate thing is since I make a living off the porn world and my so call friends are in the porn world it’s hard to stay away from human blood. The girls are and the boys are always fighting over various reasons and when the drug dealers come calling there’s always a fight, and Xavier is in a band and there’s always fights at clubs.
Whenever this shit goes down it is so hard for me not to give into my unnatural wolfy instincts. Oh the tortures life of a modern day monster I wonder what it was like back in the day before technology fucked it all up. The pitch wielding mobs were rampant back then I’m sure but it must have been harder for them to identify who was a monster back then.
I’m starting to sound like one of those old farts back from my old town. You know the kind who absolutely glorify the past even with its rampant homophibia, women being forced to stay home and getting beatin by their husbands, and lets not forget segregation and yet those are the times that they want to go back to the most. I need to stop thinking about what could have been and start focusing on the present.
As much as the people that I work with are at the bottom of human society I feel kinship with them. And it bothers me when people come after them and I feel strangely protective of them and I want to protect them. Only one person truly gets under my skin and her name is Shelby Novak she’s a former porn actor who was never really star in the business so she reinvented herself as a born again Christian dedicated to bringing down porn.
She was only in three films and yet she claims that she was horribly abused by the porn industry and it was somehow worse than her many years as a street walker. Shelby claims to be such a devout Christian and yet she has obviously alter tits and way too much botox in her face where it doesn’t move anymore. Did I mention she is also a racist along with the rest of her followers.
Since she didn’t make it as a porn star she decided to go another route the born again Christian route. During one of her anti pornography rants she bitches about sleeping with an asian man and how disgusting she thought it was and she was afraid that she was going to have some ugly yellow baby because of it. I’m not going to lie and say that the porn industry isn’t judgemental in its own right but people that are outside of the business seem to extra judgemental which I think they shouldn’t be.
The industry is very judgemental on stupid things like guys sleeping with other guys which is stupid because they don’t have a problem with girls sleeping with girls. If I guy goes over to the other side its pretty much over for him in straight porn. The business automatically thinks that he has aids and that guy is pretty much treated like dirt.
I had a friend named Andrew who decided to do gay porn because straight porn pays men a lot less than the women and in gay porn you can get paid a lot. Anyways Andrew went by the name Jeremy Bulge and he was making a nice living until people in straight porn found out and he got blacklisted from straight porn. Andrew considers himself one hundred percent straight even though he sleeps with guys for money and since he has done porn he can’t get a regular job and now he is stuck doing gay porn.
He’s still my friend despite what anyone thinks not that I give a damn what anyone thinks. I can relate to him were both stuck in situations that we don’t want to be in and we don’t know how to get out. Not only is he my buddy but he is also my drug buddy we often get high together.
Like Jade I think that Andrew wishes that we could more than friends not that he has ever hit on me but I get a vibe from him. He’s is so damaged like myself it almost like looking into a mirror when I am around him. Except for some exceptions like me murdering people on full moons and trying to control those murderous impulses even when there is no full moon were pretty much alike.
He takes viagra before he goes on set to get himself hard and he has told me the worse thing about it is taking it up the ass. Andrew said that he use to love anal sex with women but after having to take ten inches up in the ass that he will never ask a woman to do that ever again. He numbs himself with drugs so that he doesn’t have to feel anything from being in the business. Andrew has often told me that I was too good for this business and that I should get clean and then find a regular job and a nice guy and have a normal life. If he only knew that a normal life was something that was completely out of my grasp that he had more of a shot at it then I did. As much as I liked Andrew I couldn’t see myself with him for a number of different reasons.
For some reason people don’t seem to be seeing me for who I am ever since this happened to me humans seem to project what the want onto me. Before I was turned I had no problems attracting the opposite sex but ever since I’ve been turned its been different. I have men and women throwing themselves at me and at times I feel as though I can get them to do whatever I want.
Before this happened there was an effort to try and get me but now I have so many people acting stupid around me it’s pathetic. I know that I am different but nobody else really knows that I am different and yet I think that they do somewhere deep down inside. I think that humans are naturally drawn to things that our bad and dangerous for them.
I also think that they project onto me what their ideals are for their mate because the fact is that when see me and talk about me as though I’m some sort of schoolmarm or Saint it is hard for me to compose myself. Most of the time I want to scream at them because it is so frustrating to me that I am being elevated to this that I am not really at. Maybe all supernatural creatures share this same ability because somehow I doubt that this is limited towards werewolves.
So much that I don't know and need to learn, this world is so new and scary. Imagine that a monster like me afraid. In the end I guess that even monsters can be afraid.
Enough with thinking about things I can't change or things that I don't know about. Tonight is a moon night and tonight a little piece of my soul dies because I know what I have today. I do have a choice but I choose not to do the right thing.
The beast must be fed and God help those who are out tonight. I have to get ready, preparations must be made. With a heavy heart I drove to my lair.
I can feel the beast dying to get out the pure evil that is within me. I got to the lair I started checking doors that no one can get out. Everything seemed to check out and from previous experiences I knew that it was sound proof.
I've thought about doing regular hunts but those are too dangerous. I could kill someone with high prestige that would probably end up all over the news with my luck. Plus I'd be naked in the middle of nowhere not knowing where I am at.
Bringing guys or girls back to the lair to kill is the safest route. Time to get glammed up to seduce potential prey. I check my outfits to scan them, most of them are short and scantily.
Like I said before, I don't have a problem attracting anyone but I don't want to stand out either. It's L.A. the more clothes you have on the more you stand out. The color of the outfit is what draws me in.
I like bold colors on myself or anyone.
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