A brand new slab of fresh meat. It took a lot of time and energy getting it here and deserves my full attention to make it perfect, or at least tastier than last time. I've acquired a hook to hang the meat don't know exactly what this is for, I've heard the term curing. It reminds me of healing but there ain't no doctor that can heal this creature. As I hang it a pool of blood begins to form and congeal at my feet, messy business this. I whistle for Rover who needs no instruction and immediately starts salivating and lapping, one job taken care of.
Blast, the bloody doorbell, throw on a pair of overalls and lock the door of the shed. My catch and Rover away from prying eyes. Using my peep-hole I see its my mother, interfering bitch always seems to know when I'm enjoying myself. She must have her own peep-hole into my brain I wouldn't want to see into hers there would be nothing to hold my interest. I supply the expected tea and biscuit and the small talk. After my usual non-committing shrugs, resistance is futile, I have yet another date I grudgingly admire her persistence. She leaves happy in the knowledge that this one could be the one, maybe one day she'll pick the right sex.
A quick wash and back to the shed Rover licking his lips. I shoo him outside and close the door. I need privacy for this bit. I'm a lot more prepared than last time. I run my hand over the meat a bit bristly in places, I grab my razor and carefully shave, ah yes lovely and smooth. Next I grab the oil and rub it all over, I can't wait any longer remove my overalls and add my own special juice to the mix, it's the only relief I get these days.
I am now disgusted with myself and the meat, it must be disposed of. I dress and let Rover back in he will do some of the work for me. Now for the rest of the prep, a nice bottle of red I think. I boiled the meat last time a wee bit salty and dry for my taste, I went for younger prey this time hopefully it will be more tender. Rover doesn't really go for stir-fry so I think some steak will go down well. I did a big shop last week as I am expecting not to need meat for a while. I told the nosy girl at the till that my new girlfriend was vegetarian and I was giving it a go. Onions chopped, spuds peeled, time to go get the meat.
Rovers busy chewing a finger he likes the bony bits. I have acquired a cleaver it does a much cleaner job, speaking of jobs maybe I'll become a butcher. I'm getting the hands on experience.
Turning the meat in the pan, Rover waiting expectantly at my feet, I think we'll have it rare.