“Lilith sweetheart we have good news!” Dr Rebecca Dean announces after gently knocking on my door and sticking her head in, my eyes snapping up from the book I’m currently reading to see a beaming woman holding a clipboard and white coat displaying her nametag.
Rounding her off to my foster Mum’s age of mid-forties, her sandy hair is pulled back tight into a neat bun at the back of her head, her tanned complexion standing out even more against the paleness of her slacks and button up collared shirt with a pair of dark sneakers to tie off her outfit for the day.
Her almond shaped hazel eyes flicker back to her clipboard when I don’t reply to her comment about me going home, then walks over to sit at the foot of my bed with a sigh and finally putting the clipboard down on her lap so she can place her full attention on me.
“Lilly you’ve been really good for almost a year now; this is why we are granting you the chance to go home, get a grip on the life outside of here for in here is not for you anymore. That and your foster parents miss you like crazy.” she adds and witnesses me flinch at the mentioning of my foster parents.
How can they miss me when they’re the ones that got me here! Them and their fucking lies!
“They’re picking me up?” I murmur with my gaze back on the unread pages of my book before me clenched tightly in my trembling hands.
“Yes and everything has been deemed safe for you when you go back too, Erica has been under watch and-”
“You know she’s smarter than that, she will make you believe whatever you want to believ-”
“Lilith please do not make me regret my decision in letting you go home. Your medication will help you get a grip on reality and help you determine what’s real and what happened in your head.” she assures me sternly whilst getting up to face me now, clipboard now in hand and back straight to let me know she isn’t in the mood for my shit.
My teeth clench even harder if that’s possible at her words, mentally scoffing at the medication she intends on giving me the more she tells me about the side effects of them and how long it will take for them to kick in.
What’s pissing me off more is the fact that my foster parents made me out to be crazy and blamed it on my drug abuse, yet I used the drugs to escape what was going on back at home. So when they found out I was also cutting that’s what pushed them over the edge and sent me here, denying everything I told them that pushed me to that point because it involved their precious biological daughter.
Now here I am with a fake backstory of mental psychosis due to long term drug abuse that lead to eventually self-harm, but what really happened to me cuts me up every time I try and close my eyes to sleep.
The saddest thing is they labelled me schizophrenic regardless if they could only tick a couple of the symptom boxes off considering not only could they be fucked dealing with a case like me, but I could never prove what Erica did to me, no matter how much I sat up at night trying to think of a way to catch her out. It just never came.
“What time are they coming to get me?” I subtly choke up then slowly pull myself to sit up and on the edge of the bed, the book resting opened face down waiting to be finished though I have a feeling I won’t be seeing the book again, not if I’m going home today and the book is owned to the hospital.
“They will be here in an hour, I thought it would give you enough time to get your things sorted since you didn’t really make many friends whilst your stay here apart from Viper.” she half-smiles in unison of shifting her weight to her left foot and cocking her hip.
Her name pangs my heart when I think back to the beautiful creature who ended up killing herself six months after I got here. It destroyed me that much it scared me out of making new friends so it’s been pretty lonely for me for a while.
She wasn’t just a close friend I started opening up to but she was also the one to show me that I liked girls as much as guys, for we spent many times sneaking off trying to help each other forget where we were and why.
Viper also knew that I only had sex with only a couple of guys who also introduced me to drugs before I was sent into Sunshine Cove’s Psychiatric Hospital, but it didn’t bother her for she felt that I didn’t care what sex they were as long as they made me happy in more ways than one.
I’ll admit it took me a bit to get used to it for every time she and the two or so guys before her touched me I would cringe due to the memories of Erica haunting me, so it was about three months before I was able to open up like that to another person and Viper was the one experience that for a very short time. As for the other two males they were only in my life briefly until I was thrown into hospital and I no longer kept contact with them.
I’m not angry at Viper however for leaving me, if anything I’m sad I didn’t build up the courage to join her but I guess it’s what she would have wanted for she told me that if I were to ever kill myself she would haunt me, a subtle smile tugging at the corners of my lips at the memory before it’s wiped clean to answer Becca.
“Thank you Becca, you’ve been a huge help with me for the past three years I’ve been here. I just wish I didn’t have to go home.” I admit when I let the tears fill my eyes and drop my head so she doesn’t see me cry.
“Come on Lil it’s not that bad out there, I promise.” she chuckles gently before coming over and wrapping me in her arms, my almost in her breasts yet I’m glad I turned my head at the last minute to avoid the awkward face full of tits.
Once we break away she wipes the remaining tears from my eyes until she’s tucking strands of my russet hair behind my stretched ears, a tear of her own slipping down her cheek the more she takes in my pasty face in both of her hands.
“I will miss you Lil for you are my favourite patient, regardless of how we started off I still mothered you like crazy because you needed it. I’ve watched you grow into a beautiful young woman compared to the scared child that came through these doors. I just want you to promise me that you try and stay clean with the cutting and drugs?” she bargains with me after a few more tears and rubs on the back to try and help calm me.
“Thank you and I will, it just means a lot that you saw me as a daughter in some way because now I will miss you more.” I cry harder which earns me another hug until she’s breaking away thanks to her pager going off.
“Now none of these or you’ll make me start. But I meant every word I said, you were and still are a special soul to me, you’ve opened my eyes up on a lot of things like I have with you. Oh sweetheart I have to go but I will make sure to be there when you leave!” she assures me in a hurry as she heads for the door.
Nodding my head since I can’t talk at the moment she only chuckles before scurrying off to where she’s needed, a weight of some kind being lifted off my chest but only to be replaced with a new one as the thoughts of going back home taunt me.
Taking a few more moments to compose myself after dragging my hands down my wet face and running a clawed hand through my semi-knotted hair, I shoot up from my position on the edge of the bed so I’m able start packing up my belongings I came here with, as well as the ones Becca snuck in for me on times she was able to check up on me.
Deciding to wear the skinnies and plain long sleeve home, I throw on a different pair of socks since I’m still in the ones I wore yesterday and a hoodie once seeing the gunmetal grey clouds rolling in to replace the fluffy white ones and gentle glow of the sun, my mind wondering if it’s already raining back at home and hoping if it is they die crashing their car along the way.
It sounds harsh but these fucks knew what was happening between Erica and I, they just didn’t want DHS knowing that they’re lousy foster parents so they could keep taking in kids and cashing in the money they were given to help with the child’s needs went all to themselves.
I should know because that is exactly what they did; all of the money that was meant to help get me through life was spent on them and Erica. Leaving me with nothing but threats if I went back to DHS and told them what was going on, for they have had kids do that to them in the past and always managed to get away with it.
They never did though tell me about what happened to the three foster kids they had before me since when I was in the process of being picked up, I overheard the DHS woman Margret explain to my foster parents that they need to try harder this time with me considering another suicide on their case isn’t going to look good, that and apparently my real parents were also drug addicts so I was neglected and needed special attention.
Well let me tell you something right now, I got special attention alright but it isn’t the kind you’re thinking of.
So you can see why that keeps me up sometimes at night wondering what they went through and if Erica is to blame for them killing themselves, if my foster parents ignored their cries for help like they did with me when I tried telling them what Erica was doing to me.
Striking the horrible memories from my thoughts for now in favour of focusing in on the present for Becca says it’s bad to live in the past regardless if it’s coming to pick you up in less than an hour, I continue getting dressed by putting on the white slip on shoes you get as soon as you’re admitted for laces are a no no, then finish throwing my hair hastily into a ponytail.
All that’s left to do is stare at the protected mirror I have above my chest of drawers, the guard around the mirror to insure the patients A.K.A me, aren’t able to break the glass and use it to harm ourselves or others.
My puffy chartreuse eyes are begging the person in the reflection to save my soul for I fear I won’t make it a week out in the open world before I’m back in here for another three years or longer, a situation I won’t mind happening for I’m safer here than I am back with the foster parents.
With loose thoughts of sticking to that plan I do another once over around my plain single bed with a metal bedframe a gross grey colour, the floor a cold and pasty blue hue and blinds pulls up with suicide proof cords.
There’s a desk where I had my colouring books and whatnot set up there, but all that’s now packed away in my duffle bag along with the fuck all clothes I emptied out of a singular drawer and side table rid of all Knick knacks I was allowed to keep including my phone.
A lot of things were monitored and our phones taken off us at night time and given back to us in the morning, but since no one really called me because they had other things going on in their lives, I didn’t really use it much so it just sat in the bedside table drawer until a nurse came to collect it.
Though when my foster parents tried getting a hold of me I would always turn it off and give it to a nurse to hold on to until the next day. It would go on like that for about the first six months until they got the memo I didn’t want to talk to them, so they gave up and instead started to visit me.
Glancing around my room for the last time knowing my foster parents will be here soon, I tear up but don’t shed one when it dawns on me this will be the last time I’ll be here, but something going off in my brain reminding me of my plan in getting back in here calms my breaking heart and I’m able to cope with what’s coming my way.
Hearing familiar footsteps head towards my room Becca is the first one to stick her head in followed by my foster mother Dian who hasn’t changed a bit since I last saw her, her thick hair that same dull jet black and cut up to her shoulders though today she has it slicked back from her fair face and into a bun.
She wears makeup to cover the reminders of her age she tries ignoring, her sharp bottle green eyes drinking my appearance in for the first time in over a year and a half and instantly she’s ready to say something but refrains from saying it in front of Becca.
“She looks a lot thinner than I remember.” Dian eventually remarks and I’m trying everything within to not roll my eyes since I had a feeling she couldn’t keep her mouth shut.
“Well she’s actually gained a lot more weight since the first time we weighed her, so she’s healthy and mentally healthy enough to come home.” Becca smiles politely though I don’t miss her gripping her beloved clipboard in a gesture that tells me she’s holding back a few words herself.
“Hmm, your father is waiting for you in the car park. He’s already taken care of everything for you at reception as well as the other doctors that took care of you, not to mention the other items you weren’t able to have whilst your stay here.” Dian explains in a manner as if to say she’s bored with the situation, the woman reeking of money by the way she dresses and carries herself but we all know that’s my money and the money of the other foster kids they’ve fucked over in the past.
Scanning her coal suit jacket, alabaster button up underneath and knee high pencil skirt that hugs tightly around her curvy figure. I almost scoff at the matching glossy closed toe high heels. It’s as if she’s here for a fucking business meeting instead of picking up her foster child.
She then makes a motion with her hand for me to hurry up and gather my bag for it’s time for me to go, something I’m gritting my teeth at for it’s a gesture she used to do a lot before I was admitted. And boy did it shit me up the wall when the finger snapping would start up.
“Thank you again Doctor Dean you have been a tremendous help, come on Lilith let’s go for I don’t like keeping Ray waiting.” Dian commands with a click of her fingers and I’m left for a few seconds staring at Becca hoping she can see why I don’t want to go back home, though all she can do is smile sadly at me and flick her head in Dian’s direction.
“Go on sweetheart you better do as she says.” Becca says gently as fresh tears well in my eyes, the woman wrapping her arms tightly around me for the last time before I’m turning my back on her and following behind the quick clicks of Dian’s heels.
Reminding myself that it won’t be my last time here I peer down at the plain silver band Viper gave to me a week before she killed herself, to try and steady my nerves when I catch up to Dian who’s too busy texting away on her phone to realise I’m walking beside her.
“Li-oh there you are! I thought I would’ve had to come back to fetch you. We’re parked over here.” she informs whilst pointing out a sleek white BMW four wheel drive twenty eighteen model with Ray in the front seat busying himself with a newspaper, his salt and pepper hair the same slicked back at the top haircut with it shaved around the sides as well as back.
He also appears to have been living nicely in my absence for he too is dressed in a light suit and black shiny arse dress shoes to match his tie, the tanned complexion of his skin also telling signs of them recently being on a holiday for it is winter over here at the moment.
Peering up when he notices two people heading towards the car from his peripherals he’s quick to drop his smile when he sees me walking beside Dian, my eyes dropping quickly to the tarmac below me to carry the duffle bag to the boot.
Jumping in the car is silent for a few moments before Ray and Dian start discussing my success in being discharged from hospital after three long years, though six months of those out of the three years I was here were bearable thanks to Viper.
Instantly wondering if they knew about my relationship with another patient for it eventually came out when Becca pulled me aside and asked what went on between the both of us, something she could’ve dobbed us in for but she noticed the good changes in our attitudes, well mine anyway. Viper was good at hiding her true emotions for if she wasn’t then she would be here today.
Yet them not mentioning Viper’s name gives me hope that Becca took it upon herself and herself alone to keep that between Viper, her and myself. Something I find my eyes stinging at but nothing beyond that in favour of keeping it together in front of Ray and Dian.
“So you’re finally back, I’m surprised you’re allowing us to pick you up for we weren’t allowed to come and visit you after a while.” Ray remarks smugly when he peers up from his newspaper to glance at me through the review mirror, his bloodshot nut brown gaze squinting when I look down to focus on my fidgeting hands.
“Well?” Dian adds to the conversation as her bottle green glare takes over Ray’s in the mirror, my shoulders only shrugging for I really don’t need to give them anything since they already know why I don’t want to be around them.
“Don’t worry honey she will soon realise that her attitude won’t be tolerated. She’s probably coming down from the medication they were pumping into her while she was there, which reminds me we have to stop off at the chemist to get her meds. Don’t want any more of those nasty stories about your sister Erica getting around.” Ray states in a manner as if a child has just fucked up, meaning they’re scolding is serious but there’s a smile hinted in there.
The name sends a wave of unsteadiness through me when everything from three years ago comes back to torment me, though years by myself replaying it over and over in my head seemed to have stop the tears I would get each time I’d think about it, as if toughening me up for when I do encounter Erica again though I hope she’s moved out by now and in with her boyfriend Jackson considering that’s the last thing I found out before I was admitted.
I guess though time will tell on that one because they didn’t really say if she’s back or not, but judging by Ray’s comment there’s a big chance she is there and Jackson hopefully as well but that’s if she’s still with him. Only judging by the fact that he hasn’t been mention only worries me more for he was actually a nice guy, regardless of what his psychotic girlfriend was doing to me behind his back.
Feeling sick and wishing I had earphones to drown out their bullshit; the trip home appears like it’s going to be the longest one I’ve taken in three years.