How to Survive in a Horror Movie

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Summary

This is a short article that fans of scary movies should find funny.

Genre:
Horror / Other
Author:
Bryan Prosek
Status:
Complete
Chapters:
1
Rating:
n/a
Age Rating:
16+

Short Funny Article

Have you ever heard of slasherdeathaphobia? Probably not. I made it up. It’s the fear of finding yourself stuck in a horror movie. If you have this phobia, no need to worry. This article will teach you how to survive if you ever wake up and find yourself caught in a horror movie. I’m going to give you a lot of information and details on what to do and what not to do. You can skip some of the dos and ignore some of the don’ts, but keep in mind that the more you stray from my recommended path, the more likely that you won’t make it out alive!

Before we get started, we need to make some assumptions about the horror movie that you are caught in. First, it’s well known that the most common horror movie genre that people tend to find themselves in is slasher movies. Think Friday the 13th, Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Saw, Scream. Therefore, we will focus on slasher movies. For purposes of this article, we will ignore the psychological thrillers like The Conjuring, Insidious, A Quiet Place, and Get Out. We will also ignore the supernatural horror movies like It, The Exorcist, Amityville Horror, and The Shining. Survival in these horror movie genres is far more difficult and usually requires outside help. Therefore, the survival techniques for such movies are beyond the scope of this article. Just hope that you don’t find yourself staring down Jack Nicholson holding an axe. If you do, your best bet is to reach out to Lorraine and Ed Warren asap.

Our second assumption is that we are going to assume that you are caught in a horror movie with a male slasher. Sure, there are some pretty awesome female slasher protagonists- Carrie, Mandy Lane, Pamela Voorhees. I mean, let’s face it, Mrs. Voorhees taught Jason everything he knows about killing. However, there are far more male slashers in horror movies, so the odds are that you will be face to face with the likes of Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, Freddy Krueger, John Kramer (aka Jigsaw), Leatherface, Hannibal Lector, Norman Bates, or even Chucky. So, my focus will be on providing you with the knowledge, skill, training, and technique to walk away unscathed from a confrontation with a male slasher.

Now let’s get to the good stuff. This is the reason you are spending ten minutes of your life that you will never get back reading this article- so you can learn how to survive in a horror movie. Let’s get started. The first lesson is about who you are. First and foremost, you have to be a female. Sorry guys, but for the rare exception, males never survive horror movies. Maybe it’s because men are always trying to be tough and protect the women. But face it guys, no matter how tough you are, are you really going to take down Michael or Jason? I mean, they’ve been shot countless times, stabbed, butchered into pieces, hung, buried, dropped two stories, and they always get up and walk away. Granted, it did take lightning to resurrect Jason at one point, which was possible because someone dug him up. But who was it that dug him up and stuck a lightning rod in him? That’s right, a guy. Need I say more, guys? And besides, did Jamie Lee Curtis need the help of a guy when dealing with Michael Myers? No. Well, Donald Pleasence did help, but he wasn’t your typical horror movie guy. He was cool. So guys, my best advice for you if you get caught in a horror movie is RUN! Don’t help the girl. Just RUN!

Moving on to the next part of lesson one. We have already established that you have to be a female in order to survive. However, you can’t be just any female. You have to be an unattractive female. I know, now I’m stereotyping, but good-looking women never survive. I realize that if you’re good looking, you can’t help that. However, if you are in the category of good looking, my advice is that as soon as you realize you’re in a horror movie, wipe off the makeup and put on some clothes. I mean clothes that actually cover your skin. And for pete sakes, lose the heels. Besides making you look less attractive, losing your high heels will come in handy in a later lesson when I teach you how to run. It’s okay to be somewhat attractive, but of course ugly is preferred. It is well documented that the survival rate and attractiveness are directly correlated. The survival rate decreases as the attractiveness increases. There have been a number of studies conducted as to why this is the case, but nobody knows for sure why. One theory is that male slashers, just like all males, are more attracted to attractive women. Another theory is that the more attractive the woman, the worse decisions she makes. And we will see in a later lesson that good decision making is a key to survival. Personally, I don’t buy this theory because it’s just stereotyping attractive women. But the most widely accepted theory is that the audience wants to watch gorgeous woman, so there are more of them in horror movies. And let’s face it, we aren’t as bothered when the hot snobby sorority cheerleader gets taken out. Come on, admit it. You were rooting for Leatherface and Michael in those confrontations.

Let’s move on to lesson two before I upset too many good looking women. Pay close attention to lesson two. It’s by far the most important lesson for survival. In this lesson we will learn what you should do and what you should not do when you come face to face with the slasher. If you are unable to perform each of these actions, or inactions, with perfection, there is a high likelihood that you will die. The tasks in this lesson will be easy for a lot of you. However, there will be those of you who struggle. And let’s just say that for those of you who struggle- well the slasher will be doing the rest of us a favor by thinning out the bad gene pool!

Let’s get started on lesson two. I have decided to teach this lesson Jeff Foxworthy style. So here it goes. Pay attention. If you fall down for no apparent reason while fleeing a slasher, you just might not survive a slasher attack. If you scream and run at the same time, you just might not survive a slasher attack. Think about it. This is basic anatomy. It’s impossible to breath while you are screaming. It’s not very smart to do. You will quickly run out of breath and have to stop. And you know what that means. Let’s continue. If you constantly look behind you while running, you just might not survive a slasher attack. Come on people. He’s never behind you when you’re looking backward. He’s in front of you! You’re going to run smack into him. Enough said. Continuing on. If you are fleeing a slasher through a flat open area and you trip over the one small stationary object within 500 yards of you, you just might not survive a slasher attack. If you are fleeing a slasher and find a car with a key chain on the seat with only two keys on it, yet you fumble with the keys, unable to simply try one key in the ignition and then the other, you just might not survive a slasher attack. If you fall, but are uninjured, yet continuously stumble trying to stand up and run, you just might not survive a slasher attack. Finally, if you have a low threshold of pain, you just might not survive a slasher attack. Let me elaborate on this last point with an illustration. You happen to sprain an ankle fleeing a slasher and due to that ankle sprain, you simply can’t take another step. The pain is too great. You must sit down, grasp your ankle, and scream as the slasher slowly walks toward you. You know his six-inch knife blade will finish you off so you scream louder. Come on!! You mean to tell me that running on your little ankle sprain is going to hurt worse than that knife? Need I say more?

Let’s move on to our third and final lesson. While I present this as a lesson, I’m not sure how much you can actually learn from it. It has more to do with your current intellect. The lesson is on decision making. If you are a good decision maker, you stand a chance of surviving in a horror movie. However, no matter how well you master lessons one and two, if you are a poor decision maker-well, let’s just hope you never find yourself in a horror movie. Let me give you a little test to see whether you fall into the category of a good decision maker or a poor decision maker.

Question one. You find yourself alone on a dark rainy night outside a dark dilapidated mansion on a gravel road without any sign of civilization in sight. The nearest house is twenty miles away. But there is a car sitting on the gravel road that is running with its lights on and driver’s door open. You can see clearly that there is nobody inside the car. Do you: (a) Go into the house because you know you should make sure there isn’t a slasher inside? (b) Walk down the gravel road yelling for help because just maybe your voice will carry to the house twenty miles away? Or (c) Hop in the car and drive away?

Question two. You have confronted the slasher and he stumbles and drops his knife. Do you: (a) Slowly back away screaming as you watch him get up, pick up his knife, and come after you? (b) Walk up to him slowly and carefully as he lays there because you need to get close enough to see if he is still breathing? or (c) Pick up his knife so he can’t, and run away as fast as you can?

Question 3: You just saw the slasher fall three stories and then stand up and gruesomely kill a police officer who had his gun loaded, cocked and ready to fire. You get the drop on the slasher and hit him once in the back with a baseball bat. The slasher falls over from the impact. Do you: (a) Stand there yelling for the obviously deceased police officer to get up and help you because that’s his job? (b) Poke the slasher with the baseball bat in order to confirm that you killed him, because your one swing of the bat probably killed him when a three-story fall did not? Or (c) Pick up the police officer’s loaded and cocked gun and empty the chamber into the slasher?

Now, I suppose some of you aren’t sure of the correct answers to these questions. You are waiting for me to give them to you so that you can determine if you are a good decision maker and therefore have a shot at surviving in a horror movie, or a bad decision maker and therefore have a slim to no chance of survival. If you are one of these people and are continuing to read this article to see if you answered correctly, let me just say to you as I roll my eyes- thank you for thinning out the bad gene pool.

In conclusion, I hope that this article will arm at least a few of you with enough knowledge, skill, training, and technique to survive if and when you find yourself caught in a horror movie. My hope is that you never have to use this information, but I would rather you be prepared just in case. Be confident in what you have learned here. I have spent countless hours watching horror movies, so I have the credentials and authority to provide this training to you. In parting, just remember, if you are among the small fractional percentage of the world’s population who are female, relatively unattractive, who can run faster and farther than a professional athlete, and who makes good split second decisions in life-threatening situations as a monster bears down on you, then you have a good shot at surviving in a horror movie. As for everyone else, change the channel!


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