I am Huntley Savage
I wake up from the same damn dream every night. I am on the ground; my face is touching the pavement and there is a man hovering above me with a gun to my head. I feel the heat as the gunman pulls the trigger. I see myself laying on the cold cement, face down in my own blood. I also feel the bullet shatter inside of me. I wake up shivering, I look around my sorry excuse for a bedroom, at all of the posters covering the many holes that I have made throughout the years. I put my hand on my chest to make sure that I am still breathing and then I lay back down and I stare at the cracks in the ceiling until my alarm goes off.
6:30 A.M, my alarm goes off and I sluggishly get out of bed. I throw a towel over my shoulder as I head to the bathroom. I always try to wake up before my mother does, I like to avoid her at all cost. I open the door to the bathroom and I see her laying on the floor. She’s half-dressed and half in the bag. I yell for my step dad to come help me get her back into bed. He quickly comes in and we carry her back to their bedroom. She barely makes a sound.
I pass my little sister Eva in the hall way as I make my way back to the bathroom in a hurry. I love her to death, but sometimes I wish she wasn’t born, I wish she didn’t have to go through the same things that I have.
As I turn on the water and step into the shower, I think about my father, He died when I was young. We were told that it was suicide, and I think that my mother drove him to it. She has never been a nice person. She doesn’t have a nice bone in her body. In a suicide note titled thank you, he swore that the best thing my mother had ever done in her life was give birth to my sister and I. I will literally carry that piece of paper with me for the rest of my life.
The hot water turns cold quickly as it always does, I shiver for the remainder of my shower and I am relieved once all of the soap has dissolved from my body. I get dressed and head to the front door, where my sister is waiting for me. My step dad is sitting at the kitchen table, he waves a brown paper bag at me which I assume is my lunch. My sister runs up to him and grabs it for me, and gives him a hug. I give him a concerned look as I tell him to have a good day, I know that he won’t. When my mom wakes up his day is going to go to shit. He is a good man and I have absolutely no clue what he sees in her.
As we walk down the street on our way to school, I look down at Eva and smile. After everything we have been through, she is still able to be so positive, while I am full of resentment. I tell her that after all we’ve been through that she is the only positive thing about our family. I tell her that I am sorry that I am so hard on her. I... I am just trying to survive.
As we approach the school and walk through the doors, I pat Eva on the head and say “good luck kid!” She looks up at me and smiles and then hurries off to her classroom. I watch her disappear around the corner.
I slowly walk toward my classroom, dreading every minute of the day filled with anxiety. I stop by the washroom and I splash some water in my face, I look in the mirror and stare at my reflection. I’ve been told that I am a good-looking kid, but I sure could use a haircut, and a new wardrobe. As I leave the bathroom, I’m in a panic. I peak into the classroom and open the door. My teacher looks at me concerned; I have been late every day this week. She asks me to sit down, and as I am walking toward my seat one of my classmates sticks his foot out in front of me and I trip. The classroom erupts with laughter and as I am standing up, Amanda the girl that I have crushed on since the second-grade say’s “watch where you’re going loser”. I stare blankly at her and don’t say a word. Instead, I choose to sit at my desk as if nothing happened. Inside I am fuming. I hate everything, I hate all of their stupid faces. News footage from the recent Columbine Massacre replays in my head, although I know that I wouldn’t have the guts to go through with such a thing.
The bell finally rings for lunch and I wait until everyone leaves the classroom. As I am getting up to leave my teacher approaches me.
“Are you okay? She asks, I tell her that I am fine. “You know that you can talk to me about anything right?” I tell her that I am fine. “You know if anything is wrong you can talk to my right?” I sigh and start to head towards the door. She rests her hand on my shoulder and says “you know, you don’t always have to be strong. It’s okay to have a moment of weakness. It’s okay to ask for help.” I look her in the eyes and tell her that I appreciate her. She is the only one who has bothered to check up on me in a very long time. I reassure her one more time that I am fine.
I walk out of the classroom, down the hall towards the back of the school and exit the building. I keep my head down the whole time.
Most kids go to the cafeteria at lunch but I would never step foot in there. It was just another room full of people that I can’t stand and that can’t stand me. Instead I go to my secret spot which is in the field behind the school. I have never told anybody about this place and I would never dream of taking anyone here. This is the only place that I can ever be alone.
I hear the lunch bell and as I am walking back towards the school, I notice that a group of kids are standing in front of the doors smoking. It feels like they are waiting for me. My usual instinct would be to avoid them, walk around them or wait until they had left. This time, something comes over me. As I walk by the group and through the clouds of smoke, I feel something push me to the ground. I look up at them and ask them why? A kid I barely know chimes in with “Why don’t you make this world a better place and just go kill yourself”
I stand up and look him in the eyes and say “I can’t kill myself if I am already dead”. I shove past him and walk towards my next class. At this point I have had enough and my skin is boiling. I am now ten minutes late for my next class. Mr. E does not tolerate any fuckery or tardiness or any kind. As soon as I enter the classroom I am greeted with a “Thank you for gracing us with your presence Mr. Savage. Please go to the office and get a late slip.” I sigh and head towards the office, hoping that I don’t see any unfriendly faces on the way there.
I take a seat in the office and wait my turn to speak with the secretary. A girl that I have never seen before is sitting there too. She has a pair of broken glasses in her hand. I keep staring at her until she catches me. “What are you staring at” She says. “I’m sorry for starring, I just can’t understand what you could have done to be waiting in here with me. “I haven’t done anything” She says. “I was jumped by a group of girls; they even broke my glasses. I am blind as a bat and I am waiting for my mom to come get me.” I look at the ground and let out a big sigh. “We can’t win, can we?” “What do you mean” She asks. “We’re too good for this world,” I tell her while keeping my eyes on the floor. As I look up, I see that her eyes are watering up as she stares back at me.