01 | six weeks
A SHIVER RAN down my spine and my breath came out in a puff of cold smoke, the familiar anxiety pulling in my gut and bile rises to the back of my throat but I push the bile away and with shaking hands and every instinct in my body telling me to run the other way, I pull open the door
A little bell above the door alerts the one person in the shop of my presence and she sleepily lifts her head off the counter and on instinct my hands pull the hood I had on my oversize hoodie further down so that it concealed my makeup-less face and knotted tangled hair. God, I looked like a mess, but at the moment I didn’t care all I cared about was the feeling I had in my gut as I walked closer and closer to the pregnancy aisle, my stomach tying itself in knots and for a moment I had to stop.
Slowly but surely I made my way towards the aisle I needed my stomach clenching the closer I get and I have to stop myself from throwing up, my hands’ trail across the shelves dust collecting on them but I paid it no mind as I focused on the pregnancy tests that lined the shelves all different brands and prices and then next to the tests was condoms and I find myself nearly bursting into tears at the irony. Granted I didn’t choose to have sex either did I chose to be raped. I can still feel his touch that lingers at the back of my mind as my knickers are ripped away from me and the feeling of the stranger being inside of me as I came undone
I was drunk and he wasn’t.
It was a person I had never met before and the morning after I woke up in a guest bedroom with my skull feeling like it had been smashed over the head with a jackhammer and then drilled inside so someone could come and take the memories of what happened that night out of my head like that night was nothing! Like I was nothing and all I had to go on was my torn dress that was ripped down the middle and my knickers which were soaked wet through. My brain was foggy and there were only small pieces of information that my mind could force together like an out-of-focus jigsaw puzzle
But when I finally knew what happened, I wept
My parents didn’t understand. I had retreated to my room for the rest of the summer bawling my eyes out until there was nothing but a raw throat and itchy eyes. Restless nights seemed to follow me like the plague as well, no matter what I did every time I closed my eyes I felt like I could feel the ghost of his slimy touch and there had been multiple occasions where I had woke up screaming, once again until my lungs burned, but there was no Prince Charming who came to my rescue instead I was a prisoner in my own mind. Trapped and reliving that night over and over again with no way out
It only got worse when my period didn’t come and I felt the onset of nausea most days, a pull in my gut telling me to empty the contents of my stomach and when I did and there was nothing but bile left I still didn’t feel that much better
I don’t know where the idea of me being pregnant came from, but it slammed into me like a freight train and I was powerless to stop it.
I fumble with my fingers and pick up three of the most accurate tests, I didn’t care about the costs simply because I had enough money to basically buy this entire town, let alone the store. Walking to the register I take out a $50 bill and give it to the woman but she was too busy focusing on my face like she knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place her finger on where she knew me from
Pulling my hood tighter I cover my eyes and hope that she hadn’t spotted who it was
I shove the pregnancy tests in my pocket and make my way to the back where the small bathroom stalls are I crammed my body in there and did what I needed to do on the three tests before the long wait of five minutes began and anxiously my brain started to think about the possible outcomes, what if I really am pregnant? What will happen then? Will people judge me because I got pregnant so young even though it wasn’t my fault?
But what if I’m not pregnant? What the hell am I going to do then? I don’t know whether I want to have this baby or not. But I know I was scared to see what the result was because I didn’t think I could face either result. . .
The timer that I had set on my phone went off ringing like gunshots in my ear and I stood up, my legs almost buckling as I pull myself up using the sink from where I had slid to the floor and I fumble for my phone to stop buzzing before I go over to my future that was wrapped in toilet paper
I carefully tore away the thin paper and stared in horror at the two lines staring back at me
My feet dragged against the marble floor as I walk down the hallway, it wasn’t how I would normally walk, after all my parents taught me to walk like a lady at all times, but how can I do anything normally again after the news I had received? This morning, Demons by imagine dragons was blasting in my ears as earbuds hung loosely in my ears, one of them hanging completely out of my ear but I didn’t stop and pop it back in I only kept on walking amongst the other people in RedBrick Hall the poshest school for young women in New York age 11 - 18, I was in my final year and couldn’t wait to escape this -- excuse my langue -- hell.
My parents only put my in this posh school because it would improve their image they didn’t give one about me or my emotions as soon as I hit eleven it was like “Right we’re sending you to RedBrick” and there was no room for argument or negotiating
I had reached my locker after what felt like hours and opened up the silver metal box and started to pour out the contents of my bag into it. The last things to fall out were the three positive pregnancy tests I gasped my eyes darted around the hallway nervously looking for someone who might’ve seen but luckily everyone was too wrapped up in their conversations and I quickly stuffed the tests back into the bottom of my bag and covered them with one of my spare notebooks
“Hey, girl,” A voice says from behind me and the person clasps my shoulders making me tense up. Ever since that night, I have been wary of people touching me but I’m sure nobody has actually paid attention and I spin around to see Lacey. Her brown hair thrown messily into a ponytail and a thousand apologies spew to my throat for being distant but they all fall flat when I notice the black ring around her eye barely concealed by makeup
“Hi” I try to smile at her but it falls flat “You look like crap”
“So do you”
I nodded and looked down at my appearance, my uniform was wrinkled and not to the standard it usually is as I usually get it pressed and wrinkled free by the butler Lorenzo but seen as I had a lot on my mind I forget to ask him to do it last night and I didn’t check this morning as I was already late for school because I had spent more time in the bathroom of the drugstore than I had originally thought. However, it wasn’t just my clothes that were slipping in standards so was my hair and face, my skin was pale and a blotch red from crying and because I was late I didn’t have time to put on my usual lavishing’s of makeup and my hair was knotted and matted it looked like I hadn’t brushed it in a week and was just messily slung up into a low ponytail. Luckily my parents had to get to work early because if they hadn’t I would have never left the house looking like such a disgrace.
“I know” I grumbled kicking the marble tiled floor “Look I have to tell you something and you --”
The bell cut me off mid-sentence and Lacey gave me a sympathetic look and mouthed ‘talk to you later’ before bouncing off to her first lesson almost oblivious to the dark and cruel world around her and I moped off to my first class once again dragging my feet behind me