8, The Vault
‘Vince, since I’ve missed so much schooling, can you school me?’ I asked while Vincent was racing full throttle through the forest.
‘Oh yeah... mythical history. Later on, baby. I have to think. I want to be the one that gets rich or dies trying.’
‘You’ll never get it.’
‘I am Denmark’s greatest chess player and the world’s greatest brain-surgeon.’
‘Well, I am Sam,’ I said as his tires peeped when he drove up the road and away from town.
‘Sam you am. But let me think now. Get me some Motörhead and speed. There’s a pharmacy in the cupboard. It’s the bag with the blue sticker.’
‘You wanna snort it off my tit?’
‘Sure, if you can hold your tit steady.’
I put Motörhead’s Bastards (all the CD’s were there now) in the stereo and speed on my tit. I could not hold my tit steady and the speed fell off as it was approaching Vincent’s nose. ‘Just give me the bag I’ll do it off my knife,’ Vincent said. I gave him the bag and he did that. He gave the silver knife and the bag back to me and I also sniffed some. I never did speed before but it sure seems to make life go a lot faster. After a long drive that seemed very short, he turned the car into a dirt road in the forest again and after a long and bumpy ride through that forest that also seemed very short Vincent stopped the car by a lake, on which a hydroplane was parked at a jetty.
‘Is there really any need to get rich?’ Vincent asked as he pointed at it, ’I already am rich.′
‘I want to be richer,’ I said as we got out of the car and into the plane. ‘We gotta fly low,’ Vincent said as he fired up the engine, ‘below the radar.’ and the plane started to propel itself over the water and lifted. As he was flying the thing pretty low above land, he whispered all sorts of numbers and curses. ’I can’t fucking find it. Are you sure you have the right combination?′
‘Will you please tell me then. I’ll let you open the vault.’
‘No, you won’t,’ I said and then he said ‘Fuck Sam.’ and he started whispering numbers and curses again. He snored some more speed and I looked at this great land of opportunity and possibility that was flying by underneath. ‘One nation under God,’ I whispered. ’And he was never on your side.′
Before I knew it, we were flying over the ocean. I had gotten some sleep.
‘Finally,’ Vincent said, ‘autopilot.’
‘Have you guessed it yet?’
‘Listen to me Sam. If you’re wrong about it and die the first thing I’m going to do is drive a stake right through my black little heart so think about it. We can still turn back. We don’t need Ghargatron’s immense fortune. We have each other and that will always be enough.’
‘I always dreamed of being the richest and craziest bitch in the universe. One of these things I have accomplished and I don’t think the opportunity of getting the other thing is going to come again very soon.’
‘Alright, I’ve given up on the riddle. It’s just one more hour of water and we’ll get there. Now this might be the last hour we spend together.’
‘You want to fuck me?’
‘No, I want to make music with you.’
‘Do you have a guitar on your plane?’
’Actually yes. I saw on Metalocalypse how some guy jumped out of a plane with a guitar and played while skydiving with an amp flying behind him. It seemed like a good birthday gift. We could just ski-dive together while my dad flies the plane I thought. I mean, your birthday is over a week and I really wanted to do something special.′
‘How did you know that?’
‘Did you forget you have a Facebook?’
‘Who uses Facebook anymore?’
‘I do. I’m forty,’ he said as he got up from the chair and went into the back of the plane. He came back with two marshal amps on batteries, a Gibson SG, an electrical violin and some sheet music.
‘This is a really cool piece I composed for violin and guitar. I was going to give it to you tomorrow so you could study it and then you find out that after a few practice dives, we can play it during a sky-dive. It’s not that complicated it’s...’
‘I can’t read music Vince.’
‘Then how did you learn it?’
‘Shit. Now we can’t play.’
‘Why don’t we just jam?’
‘I can’t do that. I need like, notes and stuff,’ he said as he sadly looked in front of him.
‘Play four notes,’ I said.
‘Then you pick them.’
‘Alright,’ he said and he played an F, a D, a B flat and a C with a vibrato.
‘That’s beautiful Vince!’ I said, ‘Just keep playing that after I tune.’
Vincent stopped playing and I turned the E up. We played the full hour. The sky was eternal over the water that we passed and so was the music, that we played like angels, flying through it, but as I said, and I must repeat it, we could never last. And there was the oil tanker. Big surprise: the Gharnagan was painted gold. In front of it were hydroplanes parked of all sorts of colors.
‘Shit,’ I said.
‘Don’t worry. They’re probably not here for the riddle.’
‘Then what are they here for?’
‘To watch people get rich or die trying.’
‘I’ll make m’ all see… I’ll make m’ see what nerdy shy Sam is capable of! What nerdy Sam can get! And that is everything... I want everything... and I’ll get it... or I’ll die trying.′
‘I hate you most for the things I love you for.’
‘Same thing here,’ I said as Vincent parked his hydroplane in front of the Gharnagan. There was a floating jetty with stairs that went up to the deck. I heard very strange music play from above the deck. On the deck was a party going. In the middle of the ship was a gigantic pool and everywhere around it were fruit-trees and marijuana plants planted. People in gala dresses and tuxedos were walking in between the plants, drinking blood out of champagne glasses and smoking and talking nervously in the strange, soft music that seemed to come out of nowhere. A boy in a black tuxedo approached us.
‘Ah Vincent! That must be that Sam you told me about.’ He held his palm up and I put my hand in there. He kissed it softly and said ‘I’m Fredrich. Vincent and me have been friends for decades. I was the one that convinced my father to turn him at age thirteen. You’re not really dressed for the death party...’
‘We are the death party.’ I said.
‘Are you going to? Do you know the riddle Vincent?’ he said as he held him by the shoulders.
‘No, but she does.’
‘Vince... you’re not going to let her... not her...’
‘I trust her.’
‘Jesus…’ Fredrich said.
‘No,’ I said, ‘Barabbas.’
‘I’ll get Kharkanov then,’ he said as a gigantic screen lit up on the bridge and a voice was heard: ‘Contestant number one is approaching the door of the vault!’ the voice said. A man in a green robe, who was smoking a pipe was seen walking through a hallway. His hair was long, style and white. Then the door of the vault was seen. It was enormous. There was a hole in it with a big green button next to it. The button had a dollar sign on it. ‘GIVE ME A HAND’ the sign above the hole read. Next to the sign was a scoreboard placed. The man took a puff from his pipe and very calmly stuck his hand in the hole. There was something locking it. A click. The man did something with his arm and the first number of the scoreboard started changing. He stopped at six and pressed the button. ‘Yes,’ I said. The number started blinking. Then it became red and the man in the green robe was electrocuted on the spot. He was nothing but black ashes in a matter of seconds.
‘That’s so fucking metal,’ Vincent said.
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘I am Kharkanov,’ a very old looking black man in a brown robe said, ‘I presume you know I am the father of Ghargatron. I heard from Fredrich that you wanted to attempt cracking the safe. I shall take you to the vault.’
‘Come on Sam,’ Vincent said, ‘let’s go to the vault together.’
‘Yes let’s go together.’
Kharkanov showed us the door to the hall and wished us good luck. Under buzzing TL lights and cameras, we walked through the long hallway. There was the door. There was the hole. I stack my hand in the hole and felt four pins against my arm, pressing down on it just not hard enough for my arm to bleed. I felt a knob on the end of the hole.
‘Wait Sam’ Vincent said, ‘I’ll give you a hand.’
‘But you’ll be electrocuted to Vince!’
’Let’s get rich or die trying… together,’ he said and I gave him my hand.
I played around with the knob again until I had the number six as the first digit.
‘Alright Vince. Press the button.’
‘Stop fucking with me Sam!’
‘I don’t really know absolutely sure but whatever,’ I said and turned it to three. Vince pressed the button without a word and he didn’t let go of my hand.
‘And this was like... five? I thought five... Maybe four... No definitely one. Yeah, I think it’s definitely one. Wait! This one IS six. Pres it Vincent.’
‘Do you THINK it is...’
‘I just remembered it was three.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Just press the fucking button you pussy,’ I said and Vincent pressed the button. Again, the number turned green after blinking for two seconds.
‘You’re fucking with me, right?’
‘Maybe I am and maybe I’m not. Maybe I just don’t give a fuck. Maybe I just found a free lottery ticket and I’m feeling a little too lucky.’
‘Can you PLEASE stop fucking with my head!’
‘Alright, but you have to promise me something...’
‘What is it Sam? Anything...’
‘You’re going to have to taste your dick on my mouth in the morning every day before breakfast and sport-life.’
Vincent closed his eyes and sighed. ‘Alright Sam,’ he said, ‘Just please stop fucking with me.’
I quickly entered the next number ‘Press,’ I said and the door went open. A large, square metal cube was behind it and in that cube, we saw the following:
A very large painting of Ghargatron, with the president’s wife Melody Triumph, naked, in all her beauty on a leash, crouching before him. Doggio was wearing his crown and was standing next to him on his rear paws. Ghargatron wore the biggest grin of two rows of the whitest teeth in the blackest face and in between those teeth was held, an immense blunt that was a foot long and two inches in dynamiter. It covered the middle of the entire back wall of the vault. Strangely enough, there was no golden frame around the picture but just a humble wooden one.
In the one corner of the vault next to the painting was a cube of over a hundred-thousand white bags of what I presumed to be cocaine. It was stacked to the ceiling. In the other corner was a similar stack of a brown substance that I presumed to be heroin, also stacked to the ceiling. In the other corners were cubes of the same size. One of which was built out of bricks of gold and the other was build out of dollar bills, held together with rubber bands. And in the middle of these stacks was parked: a Bugatti, and I had never seen a pinker thing. Everything about the car was painted in the pinkest pink except for the rims, those were baby blue. ‘Jesus,’ I said and I walked to the dollar stack to find out they were all five-hundred-dollar bills. ‘How did he get all this?’ I asked Vincent.
‘Who cares,’ he said, ‘You have it now!’
’We have it now,′ I said as Vincent opened the Bugatti.
‘I found his will and a golden Magnum Python. Is that an ivory handle? Sweet.’
‘You want to do the honors Vincent?’
‘I shall do the honors.’ Vincent said and he started reading.
I, Ghargatron, shall, in the event of my imminent death, bestow all I possess to my dog; Doggio, and that includes my title. Doggio shall now be the King of Kings! I have found no other creature that is worthy. I saw it in his eyes. He must be crowned in three days after this will is read.
I was told by my good friend Offenbach of the song of ‘’King of Kings’’, by the musical ensemble Motörhead. ‘Yeah?’ I said and It instantly became my very favorite musical piece ever created. I stated clearly that there is no more need to produce or listen to any other music and after I heard it, I repeated that statement. After this will is read it shall be the new anthem of Ghargatronia, the floating land over which Doggio now rules and when the song is opened by the phrase ″BEHOLD THE KING, THE KING OF KINGS!″, and Doggio is seen, all that can hear it but the owner of Doggio must bow down before Doggio or lose their heads.
I shall bestow my dog; Doggio, to whoever has opened the vault.
Also, I know it is none of my business but I strongly advice my father to give his turn to whomever opened this vault. I have great hopes for that wise or obscenely lucky individual.
I would like to make only one exception in my will: when I say ALL I possess; I mean ALL I possess except for the painting you find in this vault. I shall bestow that to Ronald Triumph; the president of the land of the United States of America.
‘You were right Vincent,’ I said for the first time in this story.
‘About Ghargatron being pretty crazy.’
‘Yeah... I was pretty right about that. You want to get out of here?’
‘Yeah. We better tell Doggio he’s the king of Ghargatronia.’
‘I think he’ll be happy to hear it.’ Vincent said. On the back door of the vault was a little pad on which you could enter a new combination. I knew that because of a sign that said; ‘’Always enter new combination before closing ″, so I entered my first ever code, which was 123 and we closed the door of the vault. On the end of the hallway, Kharkanov was waiting.
‘Do you have the will Vincent?’
‘She must go up to the bridge and read it to the proud people of the floating land of Ghargatronia.’
‘OK,’ I said.
‘But she cannot go and read this will dressed like this, now can she?’
‘I like green dresses,’ I said and a little later I was standing on the bridge of the ship, dressed in a gorgeous green dress that fitted almost perfectly and had sparkles all over it. They even did my make-up. And I read the will to that crowd of vampires, dressed in gala dresses and tuxedos on that beautiful golden oil-tanker of my dreams; the Gharnagan. They all started cheering when that was done; ‘DOGIO! DOGIO! DOGIO! OUR WISE KING HAS SPOKEN!’
Black flags with white bulls-eyes came from nowhere. Then they all started chanting: ‘HAIL THE KING! THE KING OF KING!’ and I asked Kharkanov if he would be so kind to play King of Kings full volume to really get the party going. He took his phone out of his pocket, tapped it a little and louder than ever heard before; Motörhead started playing. BEHOLD THE KING, THE KING OF KINGS!′ sang Lemmy and as a picture of Doggio was shown on the screen, wearing Ghargatron’s crown, everybody, even Vincent, got on their knees except for Kharkanov and nerdy little Sam.
On the flight back Vincent said: ‘Sam, I’ve been thinking lately.’
’You mean you did all this shit and you only started thinking lately about what the fuck you’re doing?′
‘I want... I want...’
‘What do you want Vincent? I have everything.’
‘No, you have a dog that has everything. And I want to start a heavy-metal band with you.’
‘That is so fucking cool Vince! We should totally do that!’
‘And I’ve also been thinking that you should be the one that names it.’
‘You already said it. It was the greatest name for a heavy-metal band in the history of history of history and even before that.’
‘What is it? What did I say?’
‘PUSSY CUNT DONKEYFUCKER!’
‘Ghargatron would be so proud of you right now.’
‘I know Vince, I know.’
‘You know something about the floating land of Ghargatronia Sam?’
‘No. Except for the fact that my dog is the king of it of course.’
‘It’s pretty much everywhere and it pretty much controls everything.’
’One nation under dog,′ I said as we flew over the coast.
‘I really wonder how this is going to work out.’
‘You want a riddle you CAN solve?’
‘What does DOG spell backwards?’
‘That’s a good one. I’ll have to think about it.’
‘What is it Vincie?’
‘Can we please just call the band Pussy Cunt?’
‘That’s OK Vince, that’s OK...’