it was a slow process. she always thought that she thought slowly. sometimes, the thoughts were so fast that she could hardly keep up. sometimes, they were so slow that she had to force it to complete or had to leave it half way. it was like either the thought was dragging you or you were dragging the thought.
she would be eating sandwich and watching TV all way thinking ‘the sun....the sun...’ and now stuck she would stop eating and force the thought ‘the sun is.....bright’
the slow thoughts were most of time actions that should be carried out rather than thought or sometimes they would be small tiny things that is not even worth a second of normal thinking process. she would look at every small detail and replay it in her mind as if a movie and recreate all these things from her perspective. whenever she be over with all her normal chores and to-do list things, she would be never bored. her mind would be already busy thinking and rethinking and rethinking the rethinking. it would be safe to say that she was a over thinker. she was a keen observer. she would keep her mouth shut all the time. she would never voice her opinions. she knew everything. she would rethink everything she knew. sometimes, her mind would become a cloud of mess and she had to scream inside. she would have to scream to shut up. her mind would listen for a second and again it was busy about other things totally unrelated.
other times she would be listening to songs and dance on them like crazy. when she would be seriously doing her work, the song would just start to play in the background and would be stuck on a single line that she loved the most.
there were times when she was afraid to open her eyes for her mind will go wild again. it was hard to keep up sometimes. she would thinking about tomatoes and in other millisecond she would thinking about end of the world.
she was not always like this.
she was a normal girl before. she would do things without thinking. thinking was hardly a part of her routine. she used to get bored. little little things used to fascinate her. new things used to leave her dumb founded. she used to welcome the new days and challenges. she used to laugh at every small thing. she was a sunshine in her own life.
now, nothing surprises her. she is stoic to everything she encounters. she is afraid to put new information in her brain. she takes a great care of herself. she knows that she is the only person she has. she is very specific about everything.
she had been changed after an accident. it was a queer accident.
the company she used to work in went into fire and she was caught in it. only 5% damage. she jumped from second floor to escape. yes, she did action without thinking. she could have thought for a moment and could have figured out a better way. alas, after breaking many bones and had a head in gauze for more than a year she was showing signs of healing.
she was better without a scratch after another six months but she had no memory of herself. yes, amnesia. let’s not romanticize the forgetting syndrome and read further.
no one knew her. so, they gave her a new name and place to live in. NGO’s took care of her for some months until she was on her feet. a family took her in. there are kind people in nature. they keep the humanity alive. it’s our responsibility to protect such individuals. if you can’t keep the humanity alive then keep these people alive. be a keeper if not anything. it’s your responsibility as a human. you, yes, a human, aren’t you?
it’s been six years. she had made enough money. she paid them back and bought an apartment.
only if the death was not waiting at her door, i could have written further. i feel sorry to write stories with only ends and no start. i start the story in middle and end it.
she walked up to her new apartment and fell on the floor. she went into coma due to lack of oxygen and died a week later. let’s appreciate the fact that i haven’t mentioned any blood in this story.
it was as if there was line drawn on the door frame. she collapsed on the floor just as she crossed it. it ended painlessly. it ended quickly. she left everything behind. she took nothing. death was eager to take her.
what she thought in the end?
it was sudden.
when something suddenly happens, you are caught offguard. she wasn’t given time to think. it was not like she had not over thought her death. let’s not romanticize death though but let me finish this for you. what death means to you? what life means to you? what existence means to you?
is it a simple act of breathing and letting go when halted?
is it about letting go?
is it wall sketched with memories and slapping more memories with time?
is just about thinking and feeling?
it’s about ...........
............i don’t know.
i haven’t found a true reason to keep living.
you wake up every morning feeling colder than yesterday. emotion is a bribe. if you keep thinking long enough, you start to understand this. hope, what is that? it’s a bribe. it’s given to you to buy you more time. she can’t stop thinking.....
maybe that’s what we can do.
can’t stop thinking and keep our mouth silent and not voice our fears and opinions. because that’s just human, right?
that’s the least thing we can do.
least....least thing......we......can do.
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