But no such luck. A thin, balding fellow stopped next to the fourth row and began stuffing his carry-on into the overhead bin. He repeatedly jabbed his overstuffed luggage until it would inappropriately fit. He wore white framed sunglasses and a geometric print button down shirt. He looked at seat E4 then looked at me. He pointed to the seat then to himself. He recklessly shimmied to his assigned seat.
My phone vibrated. It was a text from Memento Mori. 'When you arrive, come out on the lower level by baggage claim. I'll see you then!'
I was so nervous to meet her face to face. I intended to respond, but my thought process was interrupted by a warm, panting breath. The balding gentleman with white framed sunglasses was gazing at my phone.
"That's not a good phone you have," he impolitely spat out.
"Excuse me?" I replied with revolt. I had no desire to talk to the man, let alone sit next to him.
"That phone is a stinker," he pointed to my mobile device. "It went through three stages of redesigns, was delayed for six months, and it has so many unfriendly features, not even the most patient person could deal with it."
It worked fine for me.
"What you need is one of these," he pulled a royal blue colored device from his pocket. "It's got the best mobile and gaming experience, and adaptive power because of intelligent battery technology "
I wasn't impressed. I was annoyed.
He continued the pretentious bragging.
"It's super fast processor enhances your binge-watching experiences, it's got expandable storage, and it's got next-level power!"
Throw Mr. Exterminator's phone in an open-pit toilet. Because of his obsession with the device, he'll dive into the pit to retrieve it, but die of suffocation.
"Did I mention you can sync it across all of your compatible devices while on the go?"
Hurl Mr. Exterminator's phone into a flaming structure. Because of his inept stupidity, he'll run in to get it and die from smoke inhalation.
"It's price is a little steep. I paid thirteen-hundred bucks for it, but it was way worth it."
Jam Mr. Exterminator's phone into his mouth. It won't fit down his esophagus, but if you force it hard enough, the extreme pressure can cause tears and rupture the muscle, and if you're lucky enough, he'll suffocate and die.
"Good early morning ladies and gentlemen," the Captain spoke through the crackling and popping of the overhead speakers. "Welcome onboard Airbus NK680 with service to New Orleans, Louisiana. Clear skies are expected for the 2 hour and 35 minute flight.
We are currently second in line for take-off and are expected to be in the air in five minutes time. We ask that you please fasten your seatbelts and secure all baggage underneath your seat or in the overhead compartments. We also ask that your seats and table trays are in the upright position for take-off. Please turn off all personal electronic devices, including laptops and cell phones. Smoking is prohibited for the duration of the flight. Thank you, relax and enjoy."
"I'm going to New Orleans to visit my brother," said the balding show off. "Are you going for business or pleasure?"
"I'm going to go meet a mentally ill stranger and help her murder a man who plays with dead children."
I told him the truth. His reaction was priceless. His eyes immediately focused on the flight safety instruction card found in the seat-back pocket. He reached into his chest pocket and pulled out some wired earbuds. The wires were twisted and he quickly tried to untangle them.
"I have a rare medical condition. If I don't take my medication, my skin turns red and swells up. It's very painful. Sometimes I get diarrhea." The man had a bewildered look on his face. "I apologise in advance," I whispered. "I forgot my medication."
I really didn't forget it. I just wanted to make my flight neighbor extremely uncomfortable.
He looked up and down the aisle for the nearest flight attendant. I leaned close to his ear and whispered, "I drew lollipop porn for a job interview then I got hit by a car. I'm kinda having a bad week."
He quickly jumped up and cried out, "STEWARDESS!? EXCUSE ME STEWARDESS!? He ran to the nearest member of the cabin crew.
My flight experience was suddenly peaceful because he chose a different seat.
A loud poof was audible at the gate. The lights flickered as the power transitioned to the plane's system. The plane began to move and made a barking sound. The Captain's voice crackled in the overhead speaker, "cabin crew: prepare for takeoff."