Memento Mori

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Other than having crazy conversations with Memento Mori, I often used my phone for website window-shopping. E-commerce websites, mom and pop businesses, the classifieds. I would browse the curious and unusual. Sometimes if I found something interesting enough, I would make the purchase.

A ghost in a jar, captured at Eastern State Penitentiary.
It wasn't real.
When I opened it, the only thing that came out of the jar was the foul smell of fermented cabbage.

A Florida man's liver. Sadly, the site took it down before I could pay.
Apparently, it was illegal to sell human organs.

Prison inmate art. A papier-mâché imagining of the Notre Dame cathedral.

Supplies for the apocalypse. One year, freeze dried entree buckets.

My favorite was a children's toy guillotine.

My collection of curiosities was a flush of satisfaction.
Sometimes it's the little things, right?

The classifieds website was a progressive movement for me. It's where I discovered my forth-coming.
PostingID 1198466613.
Help wanted. Fantastical! Family Amusement Center seeking Character Designer/cartoonist/Flash Designer & Developer needed ASAP. VERY IMPORTANT:
Must be available to work on quick turn-around time projects. In addition to the day time, you must also be available to speak during nights and weekends. If we are happy with your work, we would love to build a continuous relationship for future projects. Applicants please contact MIKE. 303 - digit.digit.digit. - 4FUN."


I was excited. This could be the opportunity of a lifetime, I thought to myself.
When I experience intense excitement, my voice shakes and my body trembles. My cheeks turn from biscuit-beige to a pink tinge. I sweat profusely and I always imagine the worst possible outcome.

It's quite embarrassing.

I jerked my cell phone from my tattered pocket.
I dialed the numbers.
3 - 0 - 3 - digit - digit - digit - 4 - 3 - 8 - 6.
It started to ring.
My hand was sweating. I was nervous. This was my one chance.

It rang some more.

I didn't want to mess it up. I was heavily breathing, struggling for air.

The ringing was booming and vibrant.

I was worried about humiliating myself.

The anxiety.

A lively, confident voice answered the phone, "thank you for calling Fantastical! Family Amusement Center! This is Mike, lead coordinator of the arts department. How can I help you?
I was extremely nervous. I thought about Memento Mori to ease things. I thought about Mr. Exterminator.

Bag Mr. Exterminator's head and put him in a sleeper hold. Once he's unconscious, acquire a hand-held hacksaw and fiercely mutilate him.
Quickly cut off his foot. If needed, pack a large concrete block in case trouble erupts while trying to saw the bone. Next, saw off his thumbs. By now, Mr. Exterminator should be conscious and alert from the abrupt trauma. Like a bat out of hell, cram the dismembered foot in his mouth, and stuff the mutilated fingers in his nose holes. The reaction is priceless.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" The powerful voice asked.

I was in deep thought.

Ensnare Mr. Exterminator by compressing his bare skinned penis in a vice grip. While he's in panic from the agonizing pain, burn down the construct that's now his imprisonment.

"Hello!?" The voice on the other end got more abusive and demanding.

I finally replied. My voice was shaky and weak.

I said my call was in regard to PostingID 1198466613, the character designer.
Mike underlined the position's expectations. "We are looking for a designer who can perfectly create our family-friendly mascot, a lollipop person."

Hard candy on a stick.
Suck away the hardened, flavored sucrose with corn syrup and vigorously prod the bare stick in Mr. Exterminator's eye cavity. It won't kill him, but his range of view will be extremely poor, allowing you to rip and rend him with a gut hook hunting knife.

It's the best I could do. I was inspired.

The voice on the other end continued, "are you innovative and original? Are you able to take direction and strong-willing?"
"Submit your creative designs! We're searching for digital drawings, technical illustrations, traditional art, anything that could be a potential design for our mascot." Mike explained. "Go wild!"
I was already imagining sticky-pop personalities in my brain. Dozens of flavors and many different shapes. The small ones purchased by the hundreds, often given away for free at financial institutions and credit unions. The large ones made out of candy canes twisted into a circle. All with appendages and neat, little accessories. Optical organs, jaws, and kissers. I was dreaming up an entire civilization.
"Are you still interested?" Mike asked.

Bubble gum lollipops. Fruit flavored lollipops. Salmiak salt flavored lollipops. Motorized lollipops that spin around in one's mouth. Impregnated with soft candy lollipops. Mealworm larvae lollipops. Non-edible center, flashing light lollipops. Fentanyl lollipops imagined up by dope manufacturers. I was in lollipop dreamworld.

"Hello?. Are you still there?" The voice on the other end questioned.
My imagination uppercutted my brain. I shouted, "Fuck yes I am!"
"Great!" Mike enthusiastically said. "I like your ambition!"
I was dumbfounded. He continued miscellaneous bits, and collected my information.
My interview was scheduled.

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