One cannot live life through others it is untrue that one can. It is with this thought that mother made me the main carer for her because she said it was her right as a mum. She was a woman who had a certain type of trying character flaws and such stuff. She disliked the world outside meant she had to be seen and by that time she disliked to be examined when in the cafe she okay alright but when out and around she felt almost brutal.
Distraught as I was as if the lost winds of time made me feel that time was not slipping away. My youth might stay forever and ever. The shade of others said to me that they did not feel that I had the feeling that nature would be against me. No one would love me because I was a wild cat. I made no money was not a success hardly did nothing all the time but housewife a bore yes a bore.
Linen laundry and the jokes of my rivals sent the man away. That made me a servant and then she said calling me that I would have to be a bed warmer. You know the maid in the middle of the man and woman. I did not warm to that. I am sorry I said and told her in no uncertain terms but she was also the boss. She was also the head of an empire. Richer than anything and that made me so small. I did not like the position disliked the thought and that mattered because read then re read my situation.
At the slightest reasons excuses she would waltz out saying fired. That she disliked me working for others as well. She would bar me from work that would make me means and money to be independent. I became a dependent on mother because the woman who took over the role of mine was the one who did destroy my prospects. I did nothing wrong did not interfere with their lives. Then she would hound distort and try to harm me. When I flew into something she would try to do one step better acting is her main role but she took so many others just to harm me.
As a child I was annoyance as a adult I was harmful to society. She feels as if the whole aspect of herself is to make it right for the likes of her like which is the rich aristocrats. Cat and mouse has taken place I am held as if in some restraints because she so important. The moment I go outside there is a army walking to and forth I did not multiple. In a quiet street such as ours why such numbers?
"I did nothing wrong?"
"Such a fool of course you did."
"I did nothing wrong because left them to it."
"You left to me the main duties you were told to share it then I would have been able to bear it."
"Well it is alright to be like you as you need to do everything yourself."
"I needy to feel woman as well as a man."
"Well it is not okay."
"You destroyed my marriage."
"I did not make you pregnant."
Much of me has said it is over taken by time. She had to behave but could never do so.
"You justified me in my opinion." She said in sheer despotic engagement. Cat like she said it right that she being boss made her nasty.
So much of it is about my eating why should I eat anything at all? Starvation diet is the thing? I can't drink coffee. Why is it that ? I am allergic to it. Then the drink alcohol is poison. So I eat a lot. And most of it on the table as she is passing through. Life is about who is best looking what is the best thing comes later. It is not right. What comes is best one is the one who is the one must find out because if one doesn't than one lives with the regrettable consequences.
On so many dates and dares we live life in such splendid sounds as if the lovemaking in the states we behaved is the key to our undoing, In the silence which follows later in the house what does it make for? Can you live with the thoughts the feelings even the failures which we had? Can you make the bed and still smile.
There is nothing I rather do then explain this because it is important even boring. No one listens to me and I am like my mum trying to tell everyone and falling failing and all that. Then the object situation and the awkwardness comes in. Why because sham is shame. Life can be sham because everyone has a mask on and when the mask is off there might be someone else in there.
Mother on the other hand was not that type she was more solitary a victim she could not deal with her lover leaving her. She spoke to her over the phone they would have the fun of remembering the days when they sang together as the Happy Sisters.
"She could never sing right the notes were not on the right note," She would giggle, " but we were so much in demand."
She brutalised us all. She hurt the kids and made them like herself when I went and became unwell she totally left the motherly act and became a misbehaving lesbian. She asked to be cared for but never ever did she give as good as I gave.
She tenderly told the other members of the extended family that I was well behaved and kind to her. I was her pet and she knew how to behave towards a pet. She did not care to spend time and effort making the place habitable she just did the basics but her husband was worse, He hated to spend it on anyone or thing except drink and smoke. He smoked himself to cancer and then went and wept because he could not feel for anybody.