The threat comes from the house I'm mad they say because a mum is kind thoughtful and everything like a nesting place. This place is no longer safe for my siblings I must say something do something protect them.
They shudder for it is them it is their mum it is their home but I had to make them see what I saw.
Negotiations failed. They did not like me in the end. Citizens advice bureau add to my problems there is no need to place me here in this small bureau begging for the next bowl. I have no meal ticket there is no man who wants me cannot live with me. They cannot live with me. I can't live with them.
What is kindness here in Britain?
I made a profit and I made a loss in life.
But the thoughts flew there is too much of me in there here and then I am told I am totally annoying to be gone. That life is for the successful. That I made a loss.
Here it goes what does dying feel like? What does feeling which nearly die make one. I do not feel anything sin does not bring aftermath of thought ? Of course they had the enjoyments and the fun and now have egg on their faces.
Feelings were hurt information misplaced his life story got canned he was no longer a good man. He a husband a father and all that. He disliked being himself he disliked having it all. He needy at the best of time. His wife beats him up. In this world we are the worst people and when we dined we dined with the bones and shackled and the absolute certainty that she did not know about us.
"Enslaved to her?"
"Enslaved to responsibility."
"Well why is it that he got the sack from her?"
"She tried to kill him."
"Yes indeed a boulder let loose fell down on us both we both escaped."
"That ended the marriage."
She did not like him? I guess she was waiting for the money and the films she could make about sexuality. She hates the films she makes? Well no she does want a new plot line added and all that because she likes to explore the transgenders. A world of such magnitude and magnificent but does not like to use her own money.
Forming her own company is expensive and risky. And it had to have a reputation. You see no use doing something from scratch.
I knew the threat than I just went along with it? Of course my sisters loved their mother. I just said I had nothing on her. So I ran along and what nagged me was she had this powerful take on life and wanted the girl to be like a cook. B sat it out she loved the money. Mother called her a pet whore. I did not treat it lightly my darling sister a pet what?
So I had to separate the egg from the yolk and that made me seek out the outside world. I was about that time twenty and did not know anything about a thing. So I just left home and came back when I thought I would know more about life and of course I needed money.
They had moved house. When I returned they had moved house? Yes they had. Of course my sister Z told me which street they would be in wrote or tried to write the address down. I knew the street knew it so well? Naturally did not know the number on the door. Z said I will write it down for you?
I first walked into something like a shop but that was not it? Then I went forward marching ahead.
I was still bruised from the staggering amount of work I had to do when I went home. The washing I had done the shopping too and all the housework? Yes windows cleaned and all that.
B still wet the bed.
I could smell the whole thing.
The eating area was also their bedroom. I did not know what to do. There seemed no sense in that at all. Some kind of humiliation? It could be?
I will remember when I first looked they seemed so well fed Memorising something is strange. But did not find the pen and I walked right to the cafe.
The song in my head was do you want to hurt me as I walked that road it was a brilliant cold night with some stars. I was wistful and young. I had no idea what I was letting myself in for.
When I arrived B was emptying sacks and sacks of bins. She was sweaty and she glared like someone common. I thought she does not recognise me? But when I spoke she just came over and then was very bright as herself. She had a cunning look in her eye. I knew that look swap places or something?
B was the only one who appeared glad to see me. She just said in some common language where were you? She then rushed away. I did not know what to make of that? Soon I discovered that mother was calling her whore and speaking in something like no longer that child but that girl.
Z was herself stolid and dependable and I was sat in the centre asked questions.
They were so surprised to see me over joyed and everything.
"She said you know you must work for me now?"
"Of course." I said smoothly.
"We'll try you out then every Saturday then if we like you come and work part time."
"I already got a job."
"I will not pay you if you don't come and live here as well."
"Of course." I replied.
"I am not paying someone else's rent." Said the woman mother called hard as a rock.
I think we had a meal then I was reluctantly left to go home. To my flat with the two men as body guards who I was renting the bedsit from. They did not appeal to me. I was in fact bit frightened because wherever I went they went too. I know it was their home but the thing was when I was in my room they were always entering checking the electric or something and I was half dressed.
The thing that got me was the Indian whore house not far away. I was not asking for this I was just going to leave with the deposit intact. I did not want the deposit because two large guys in their black suits walking round made me think. This is not safe. So fled.
Dad had a car back then the adopted dad and he came and said anybody around.
"Well come on let us hurry."
B took the suitcase and we went into the car and there was somehow something but did not look back. No point in looking back now I was not dismayed to think when I got home no room of my own and not much. I lived in a six by seven feet room. So there said B.
Well it was better than being stalked night and day by two needy Indians.
This is not elegant it does not look right the worst words have been spoken there is not much use in life but to thankfully move out and say the elegance will come later. To think when we are found out to be totally lacking in the compassion which we are famed for that matters to our conscience no it matters on how it loo
The only reality in this world is survival. If one survives that makes everything okay? Well imagine one is in a storm and all hands on deck. Or otherwise one is shipwrecked. If one is tatty and do not understand the basic rule of life that makes these stories somewhat a burden because these novels are about taking control of the ship. Becoming the captain on a ship and handling the whole thing but sometimes on board a ship things go wrong.
Then man over board.