I loafed around waiting to sleep but sleep did not catch me. I was always in the way of others thought. Something was wrong I did nothing but work sleep avoided me. Tired out bumping along humping the pillows this is not sanity this is loneliness where is the sinner inside me? Let me loose there is nothing but this girl in a igloo I am insane. I cry in some pain there is a jump then another jump then a huge juggernaut of a sight. I wake up.
In something of a dismay I saw something I thought this is not real.
The reality is dad is being robbed he is being had. I feel it every time I feel it some of the time. That is what love does feels. I thought the man had no feelings left because he did not feel me at all. He sent his mate to deal with the natural stuff money and all that she told him I was fine had plenty.
He did not find out that there was simply not enough. I did not speak I was a raging someone who had lost out. The love fled left and hurt remains. I did not know how to behave in such an ordeal she knew she perfectly stated her position made him happy. Then did it anyway with anything she fancied.
Well whatever you fancy. No she is nothing of the sort just a star. A starry star. I thought it is the best for us all if I died but she said being a good doctor no. No because she had not finished with what she had started. I was refused jobs I was denied access to anything I was denied denied and post denied.
Refused and more rejection then anybody in life then went to charities and they do stuff for themselves. No time for the likes of me stuff happens in life makes one bitter. There is no way stuff does not materialise means somehow that the work we do and the pains we spent are meaningless when a windswept romance comes along. Stuff happens brings happiness then we are swept along and done for.
Give us patience stuff does happen for the pop idol nothing remains but that the happiness the words the worst nightmares are the words which harm and hurt. But stuff does happen maims and hurts and we refuses to set itself right,. When we did not do wrong as we thought but not to see because we do not like who we have become.
Driven by sex and power lust and then fame and money who would not want that?
I knew he would stay and say that I knew he would there is all that stuff which happened brought the pain back brought it back because he just refuses to see he too blame as well in fact his wife was the most beautiful woman in the world. But he left someone to face the butt of jokers and disasters which are the crooked world the worst of it was he did not want to know because he hooked on something.
She like that hooked him and he went along like a lamb to the slaughter house because stuff happened.
There were people trying to peep through. That was there here and then nowhere. We lost it the whole family conned out of their minds is the blood thirsty they will be. They had tasted blood and that meant that they were coming back for more.
How do you feel how do you want to tell me the story what does it make you want to become? I was aging there was nothing but the elderly walk. I thought of a walking stick must be needed as I went to the chemist to get more of them medicines which keep the neighbours safe as they chase me round and round as if I am a lemon.
That I believe we do not believe in you. We do not want you to help yourself we do not like to become good to you because of your entitled enemies being more powerful than us all.
We did nothing to you which we do not do to others. Ann Bolyn was someone like you but that is nothing compared to what you did to us. Could I become Ann Howard? Naughty puss go away.
"We are attached to you."
"I am not attracted to you my wife is well endowed and does dress best in the fireplace glowing with the wine and the dine."
"Neighbours will never talk about you."
"They dislike you so much you are rudeness personified."
We did nothing nice or nasty but that is why we disagreed.
A walk in the county which said it was never right so I spoke softly and not much said that they did nothing wrong to me. They sat it out right out then said nothing to me no one is speaking to me.
Give us a tour of your life and it has not been a nice life. I have been discriminated against made a fool of cast upon. The happiness which most people had become theirs and not my own. I hated my life before being a nerd a teenager but what left me now? I am suspicious what did it matter when I am the most suspicious person in the world? I can see and sense what the other person is trying to do as long as it is in a photographs.
Is there nobody for me? He says he is and he has a headache all the time because she disliked me. So this is what it is I am the housekeeper who is now the ghost, My ghostly presence is the new key me. I fill the walls and then weep now. I weep now because words have failed me to describe the horror of what and who I have become a boring woman whose life is over taken by events which she has no control over.
Perpetual things in life is a recurrence of things from the past happening over and over again. What I am searching for is that we disliked things that they disliked me for many years.
The grandchildren are still at home there is nothing to do nothing to be but to toss their heads and say we are staying. Ridiculous?
I am the custodian of something called the thoughts and feelings of my ancestors but what they are made me fear somethings. Why what I am uncertain. I made mistakes in trusting them the girls have the metal to be monsters. I did not deny them anything they deny me even speech if I am angry if we disagree they cut me with silence.
Their life is their own now and it is mine which concerns me. Us with Tom is to become the bearer of news what do I do without him? What can I do with him? He has his problems for the past six years Christmas has been with him and nobody else.
But when daddy has come to have it out because he jealous he is destroyed distraught by jealousies. One to one without him is nothing but nothing. He is ill with the stuff called the cancer and he has become bullied by father. I matter less as he eats nothing gone off his food he has and become thinner and thinner. I do not like it.
Dad kills just like that starving the man and kissing the wife of that man or the daughters and robbing the house and home. I am ungrateful I should never speak about what daddy does. But that is what daddy is.
Let me repeat he starves the man and toddles off with them whom he can have sex with. Nowadays it can mean anything. Mum had him and other fools as well he is charming dad is it is charmed to meet you all.
That we melt in the mouth as we speak.
Solitary is that we become sullied with the worthy people who wept for us and then done for us. No one can be permanently bothered about the people inside their lives we all become that woman difficult and impossible.
Who made us. Who did it for us what did we become us.
Someone in the family is going to go because the theft did not go through.
Dad is someone called a highwayman whom he says money or your life. Sometimes there is also money and wife. Daughter is the such a thoughtful manner we loved you because did you know his wife kicked him out and he has nowhere to go and he has left this world in order to mate with his own kids and marry them to jerks and then steal other stuff and things. Nuisance? Nonsense.
You built your home now must live in it.
"You destroyed us because you told everything just when we were on our way."
"Maim murder and mayhem and she just said shut it up."
"Hell she is a nuisance."
"Why couldn't she be like mother and go."
"Not wanted and still she is here."
"Let us leave it to nature."