He called her name again he called her name in his sleep and asked for the pleasures which she kept. He smiled in his sleep as he said words to her which he did not dare to speak. Called it insane he did not know what he was doing to me. That was the reason he did not want me? There it was this is me now outside looking in because he now with her in deed and name. Why is it that I lost out at twenty something? Old fashioned dull and that made me so mad. I was old fashioned and dull it rang and reverberated inside me still. That there was nobody to ask the right question when does one become dull and ugly and no use as a sexual partner. Mother was not there she prattled she just had to enjoy the joke.
Life is about merriment.
To feed yourself until there is nothing on the table. We have now the tables turned and to dance to the tunes which are the true tunes of why we are here. We love you today. Tomorrow and the following days. I who own nothing I am nobody and cannot be like that woman who has the golden necklace has the stuns and the studs and is like armoury towards the life she leads. She has swung into the world naked and clothed and we love her so many times. Men and women queuing to seek her vagina. We adore her and her and her only.
What happens to the needy woman who has not enough money to pay for her rent and food and all the stuff?
"She can live off me."
"When there is nothing left but crumbs and more of the crumbs. Still births and double lives and devils in disguise. We behaved so naturally."
"But beloved. Do not swing from the chandler especially seeing as you are naked."
"No one can see my pussy."
There is almost desire that cannot die. It is so not right that they see it too. If only their desires were not often encompassed by their need to have sex. Well I am going to swing do you see me?
They left their traces everywhere like a animal I could feel them. I just had to leave the big venue. There was this awful feeling. As if I had not lived before the strangest sensation the woman looked at me then shrugged.
"Acceptance is the only way." She coughed, This is my life where is he now? But did not speak the punishment would merit the crime. I could never swing from that height. He wanted me to swing from heights why did he not say when I had been young?
They bring in so many people high class.
"Not so much."
She left me without a backward glance and did not even say some words. I saw what she meant the trapeze artist the venue all needed filling up. Then went and spent the day wandering round the streets. Hopeless it was hopeless but something had happened to me. I was giving in to the inevitable but knew I still had to earn a living.
"Yes like animals and they are very naturalistic." I remembered as the sounds come in and out from the past.
Back and forth the living room the tables the chairs what is there for a woman to be in? I did not even hear her did not realise the significance to her.
She just did not know what had happened to me. Someone told me I was not able to fill a room with readers. Because I was not a acrobat. I practised my reading on the tapes the tapes I hated to seek myself out. The young voice went on and on. Nothing doing even I tired of it.
"Oh I am sorted I am pregnant a woman now." said Zeks and she knew the value of the baby. She would make more babies and send them round to kiss the hands of them who might be the fathers.
Well everybody sort of sorted. I give myself a pat on the back was not going to use my eggs to fertilise some seed which will give birth to imbeciles. I went to bed and went to sleep.
Does it matter if there was no choice? Life is not about choosing or being choosy and life went along without me.
"We desire things we do stuff which hurt more than we are able to say. I hurt than back than I was hurting and had become harmful to everyone in the house. Then when mother sort of tried to smell me when I was washing the dishes she lost her pregnancy."
"I am sorry."
She tried to smell me when she was pregnant and she tried it on believe me she did. She had asked me to look after her babies and I was considering the idea. When she lost the baby.
"What did I do?"
"I kicked her."
"When she tried to smell me I did not think she still there."
"I am so sorry mother did I hurt you?"
She rushed out of the kitchen and sent for my sister and she run out and there was a ordeal. I am now the foolish prey. Why did I do it? Well I am as they saying goes not a lesbian. Mother should have known.
"You are psychopath?"
"I probably I'm."
"What is the meaning?"
"It would not have worked."
The thing was.
"Did not know what she would do next after that she said I will be dead or destroyed because of what had happened."
"A child is easy to destroy a woman is not."
"Never had so many flops in your life?"
"Yes I am not kind towards woman wives and mothers to be."
"Mr why do you call her name when it is your own woman sleeping next to you?"
"This is a man without a wife."
"But Mr three is a crowd."
When he turned round there was a soundless whistle in his gaze and the woman turned against him and went to sleep. Such a cow she vowed to make him happy turned out to be vixen.
Carol this and Carol that in the coals of too deep. Then when challenged he did not even acknowledge it said go away it is nothing. Shook with lust and left the house. As if someone at his tail.
But in a country called Cyprus when one marries one cannot leave the home and go elsewhere there is nothing to go to, When someone a undertaker made such a mistake he mistook the woman he went to as the woman grateful to him forever. One says these words but nothing lasts forever not even gratitude when the house was manned by her and she was only married to him because she the protector of the coffins. Dogs would have made a mess.
So sin no more and come to your senses when a woman is such a blind woman has no beauty and has no fortune with her blindness approaching what else does a man marry her for but to protect his coffins?
There is fox like noises when someone is about to be robbed. There is a thief in the house or nearby. She so stealth would prevent anything walked on tiptoe with a broom in her hand. There whack and whack and there is another whacko jack. And that is when she did not know what to do or how to mend. That they were going to be robbed. The coffers were about to be emptied. She did know but who was the thief and where did it go?
Mary he said once how do I know he said" Mary just leave me be. I am not yours anymore."
"Who is Mary by the way?"
In his heart he knew must have known he being cruel.
In my heart I knew he was gone from that day on I was careful even artful did not mince matters. I just shut down closed down and thought about the past as if they nearer than today. I did not find him attractive? We drifted farther and further and out he left.
He and she by each others side. Love is in there all the time. And they eventually not able to keep from touching making out. We are in love can't you see? Does he know who he is egging on? Goading to her doom and her rightful place as the murderess? And all that messy business. I found them so revolting she came to gloat.
"He chose me." she said, "I won fair and square he chose me."
"Good now you can keep him."
"No way. Why would I know that all that money and all that he has on offer." And she laughed.
"Well it is fine okay go and enjoy who cares about sluts and knaves like you?"
"I am so annoyed." She said as she moved her arse inside his.
I seem to sense them as if in some limbo. As if I was a ghost. I seem to sense what they doing thinking even seeming to be. I just froze what it is killing me.
I was a ghost.
I am a ghost. No longer flesh and blood by the power of love. I am now alive.
The woman guarding the coffins became I. I so narrowly became her and she I. We belong in different time and space but our destinies the same. I shared nothing of the details but the deed she had done the similarities of our plight made me the tear strain woman left to deal with the thoughts the feelings of yesterday.
"I am in him don't you want to know what it is like?"
My bloodshot eyes tell the truth when today now that I am alive and well I am alive at least. The ghost has fled left the scene. Why is there such a horrid laughter in the heart? Because you are frightening us all. I am not this is me a ghost who can't do anything anyone harm. This is me protecting the rich and the able.
Because they have made me now how can I say this without frightening anybody at all?
"Able the mad and the insane?"
"I do not like that term."
"I have been inside know the drill now I am inside with the plague."
I am just getting rid of the plaque. Their lives now entwined like the twine and they add to my misery all the time. It is obvious want to look my best. From my teeth stupid why does everyone think the worse of me?
My eyes settle on the butchers knife my dad hisses some words to mum. The knife disappears there is now nothing to look at.
I am thinking about possums and they think I am saying poisons. I am so involved with the wit of something they jump up and down. I am so funny no it is frightening.
I know honey I know I said but he changed his mind the nonsense he shouted? What me? Let you go and let you down no honey no honey. He changed his name and left the country he said he was not coming back until six months later. I just did not understand the love he had been now the man who did not know or want to know or even understand. So be it. I just like all the women in some stories waited. Carol said I just wasted time and was going to regret it. I might do I said I might do but the look in his eye when I give him a set too will be almost worth it.
Physical activity keeps the thoughts away. Out evil out and there is nothing left but spotless dishes.
She folded the clothes and did this and that he went further as she did so. She cleaned the tables and did the mopping did the store management and he got annoyed his purple pleasure was that I had no time for him. She had plenty when he walked inside he was the total focus of his attention and she was hers. That was it they had time for one another not a over worked shop keeper like me.
We can hear them screwing. Nothing to do with the dishes being dirty is there?