Back when I was a baby or a toddler or what the heck something strange. I became true to the self who went roaming because homeless. I had nowhere to call my very own not a room not a doll nothing. I had the clothes on my back the food which everyone offered me. But there was no real shelter from people who were harmful.
"I am a worn out piece of shat." daddy would say.
"Cover her ears cover them so that she doesn't hear. "
"I hear you papa."
Alas I could see him too he would not budge from his chair he now the man. He had proved it by giving ma me.
"Look at them arms are not they so sweet. I can eat them tastes like sweet."
"Cruel pa. Upsetting the doll and see she has flung herself on the floor."
"Follow her then."
"No don't. Tell that boy to leave you alone."
"You heard her."
"I will be back for more."
"You see let them sort it out."
"I am already sorted I can see the sorties coming from the sky."
"Yes she is right. Maybe we will all be killed and the planet earth will not have to bear us."
"What have we done ma?"
"You haven't done a thing child."
"It is that wicked boy. May he not grow into a man."
"He heard ma."
"Yes he has."
"Maybe he is hurting too?"
"That type never do. Do not believe in him. Always remain good he is not good you must be good for our sakes."
"If you remain good then nothing on this earth can part us not even death. Do you understand."
"Yes people in coffins."
The doll that I had did not come from the shops it was a stick with some worn out rags. But I gave it a name and spent the days of my earliest happiest memories with that rag.
My life had began not rightly I was somehow an innocent victim of it all. The cause and the main cause of something which was very strange for everyone even in Cyprus to deal with. I had been the victim of it too?
Raped victims children are themselves the victims in the end. What does a nice mum do with the result? What does the evil pa do with the result?
Mother always said be nice to people who are nice to you. I began to see the kindly lady whose house I shared with. Food came cooked to us and there would always be grumbling sounds on how much food was wasted on us two. I was never to blame. This kind lady always made sure she had something but she was not as much of a foodie. But when I tried her plate she would smack me on the hand. So never did it again.
"I am earning money by looking after you so no use to thank me."
"I am grateful as well." So was I sullen child went to the cot and slept. Sometimes I would wail and speak as if in some distress. The snakes are after me. I had got this idea from some place. The snakes are after me too she would say.
"You are safe here honey."
I looked at her half blind face she looked like Gold only her face was twisted and sad. When her husband came along she would become flirtatious and make demands and seem more female. But when he left the house she knew he was going to leave for that woman my grandmother.
"Hum he is and all went and heard him and her."
"Why do you mind?"
"Because I do, now eat your dinner."
"What is wrong when one is not wedded?"
"It is indecent when one is wedded but when he does it with others it becomes even more so."
"Does he bury them afterwards?"
"I suppose he might have to."
"Fetch me that eye drop."
"I am not supposed to work."
"I... Fetch it anyway."
"Shall I clean the house as well?"
"What is wrong with it?"
"It looks okay but it is not."
"I knew it because of something he did not do?"
"Well he does have to bury people."
"I am looking after you and I am blind."
Her husband was a man of more refined temperament. He would read the paper every time he sat down and he would not come and go as I was around. She just did not want me there because spoilt her fun. The only fun she ever had. Her husband would occasional smile and then continue reading the news. What did he have to read so much about? There was not much in the news but he demanded silence.
Then someone would run to their home someone had just died and he would be off to bury them. Being a undertaker was a job he cared more about than his whole place of residence. She just disliked his work but it brought a steady income. Money and food on the table.
I was getting thin because did not have enough of the right food or the environment was not good. But they said probably it had to be temporary because she did not wash. I had a delicate sense of smell. She would have gone to the Hamam's but he refused to pay for the experience he knew what women were like. So mother saying that they all three were in bed together could not be true? No he just did not like to spend his money.
He disliked this but the feeling was one of mutual entrapment. She was a wife who disliked to wash dress or do anything normal.
When she went out children threw stones at her. Because of her smell I did not know. But preferred her to the snakes.
We had a awful forward looking conversations and I sat as if listening to them all. I wanted a fairy tale and she sat me down and told me some.
"You are just like a doll." She said to me.
"Ah not true."
"Dolls are pretty."
"Yes they are."
I do not know where that remark came from but her husband still alive and why did I say that.
"Did you really kill your husband?" A slip of the tongue why did I speak so as if someone through me? Such a lot to deal with a child's head can become disorientated so did not think about it.
Mother came to England and when she did she said words about the jam jar. Why it meant a lot of emotional upheaval did not know did not remember. But now thinking about the whole thing?
Did it mean just managing or the death of a man who was probably too attractive for his own good?
That sort of thing why say it she was in some jam jar when she let the jar fall down on the floor and did not pick the pieces. She just let them mice have it.
She had tears in her eyes and then she said somewhat hastily.
"Go to sleep now."
I thought in some shame maybe not the right question from me to her. What use was a child who knew nothing was told not much. But if her husband was still alive then this must be the second one? That is what they would say who were grown up? Cogitating I fell asleep.
I dreamt of ingratitude and ungrateful child. All that and there were sounds of such and such. What is the meaning of being such a stupid child as to say all that? The patter inside my head went all night.
I did not mean to upset her by telling her she a guard to the coffins. Then spent the night in dramas and thinking out loud. The result there was a cough and something like sweats. Temperature again. That was the last straw. I was supposed to be kept quiet.
"She was such a weakling. That it was a waste of my effort to kill her because she would not survive it all." Said Gold.
But her double was not as nasty as her.
She who was in some kind of bereavement was kindness itself. Because she rescued me from the snakes. Because she told me stories because she was useful to me. I did have to lead her to stuff because she semi blind but she always thanked me.
A jar said poison I knew it was poison because not allowed to taste or put inside the jam. The jam they all made in the good old days. Mix the poison inside then allow it to jell and then bring it to the bread and all is over.
I did not know why I was thinking these thoughts and did not reason as someone who could be involved in two deaths or murders in under five years.
I stayed with her for about some time. The thing is almost something not focused not discussed. Because of course a child of two and a bit does not rescue herself from snakes .I would be swallowed and spit out.
"Snakes alive she is here inside and not out." Began the rumours in the neighbourhood not Tarzan as they thought but something less strange. She was a strange lady but not as strange as the snakes. Nor as dangerous.
I warned them all the boys and the girls to stay clear because dangerous snakes near. But they came and left and did meditate. Well they saw some snakes went rushing to their mums. I thought so many sissy boys. Put my parasol up and left them to it. Screaming hate you and will get even. I did not do anything at all.
Her house had been rebuilt because it had burnt down. Some said because she had mourned her husband as he poisoned and died. She did poison someone but how would he not have seen where the poison was. How did she do it? Nobody bothered to find out.
"It is inside the jam." had said mother Mess and when this had happened it was her very words. Some years that swept by. In that sorry state. " It was in the jam. It was all the jam. "
She trembled and tremors run down her spine. Then she rushed out as if hellish fiends after her. It was where what did it mean what does it matter? What did she mean come stop tell me all. No most definitely cannot now let me go.
They all fostered me I had so many foster mums it was a gang land of merriment when I went to Cyprus do you remember it all now? Of course could not remember a thing but remembered not to speak about it.
They all good? Yes of course.
But this other woman who was sort of fostering me called the good woman the wife and motherly creature hated the very thought of her being such a woman.
She did not kill her husband because she so jealous with him? Now I am not nasty about such matters but I think she had. Never mind the thing was he was attractive and she was not. Uneven match you see.
"That is enough she is becoming so used to murders she might commit one herself.
" I will like to try my hand on it." I would say.
"Send her packing to some land where they do not have murders every second. We are dying like flies." She did not shed tears when I left I remember she was engaged to her fellow and did not want to spoil her lovely eyes.
"Em teach me."
"Get lost I got the washing to see to."
"Em teach me."
"I got to give ma her medicine sorry kid."
"Em when do you have the time?"
"No time there is the man to see to."
"Em you are always busy."
"Women were always busy except when gossiping"
The woman which they sent me to live with for a time was a woman whose house did need a clean up. But she did not. She said she knew where everything was and if I interfered with the set up hell will be paid.
Everything was neatly decoded and placed in line. So this is that that is what and what nagged me how she knew them all. I would as an amusement set the pieces in different order she always knew. She said she had a system and did it right every time besides she had one eye. She could use if it got impossible by something called light she could see she told me.
She did not anybody to know she could see because then her husband would be less sorry for her.
She was a shew in her younger days. She was a bustling woman who had grown up in a orphanage lowest of the low. A common thing birth defects and all. Yet her husband took pity on her married her and made her life hell. She was always grateful but she said when someone does not love one incapable of love woe be to that woman.
He as the undertaker lived next to the house of Gold and as Mess had had me. Mess is the mother of mine it is a complicated thing. There was this longing waif who needed a home because Gold hated me." Not really you hate me," said Gold anyway whoever hated the other the most it would not have worked out.
I smiled all the time Mess was worried because. I smiled all the time. Gold hated those that smiled. Killed her children because they smiled. I as Mess thought was left in the garden. Gold went to pee or do something. The neighbours were told with the threat of no food if anything happened to me. That they had to watch.
"It is not neighbourly to watch while some odd woman defecates."
I can't see but feel the snake it is coming for her. Heavens let me save her. Said just keep watch and luckily she had. The first snake swished past. Then the second and before I knew it was up in somebody's arms. Being taken over. They looked off and alienated themselves to me by their smell. The woman wife of that nice looking man had not had a bath in months. She said she did not want to light a fire. Because she could not put it out.
That is when she burnt down her house? Well she had to because of evidence. But that is another matter now having rescued the child. The child is being given so many unsuitable information that she is being prepared to do a murder.
"She poisoned her husband because he built a cot for me."
I thought about this for a long time so I know. But that time I said to the man who was carrying me off into the house next door.
"I can manage."
"No you come with us."
I did not struggle when there was a hiss coming along.
He had few spare words and then it was over the snakes were in their prime someone went out t