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The Pie-Triarchy

By Brixton Renfield All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Horror


"THEY'RE MADE OF FEMINISTS!!! HE CHOPS 'EM UP AND PUTS THEIR ORGANS IN THE PIES!!!" The moment played like a sad record player in his head. The smell of pie made him puke to the point where seeing an apple pie made him run for a bucket. So what made him accept the mantle of "Mrs. Lovett" started by none other than Corinne Bonham, the dead actor who, on his downtime, emulated the lovestruck businesswoman? Maybe it was the curiosity. Maybe it was the insane ramblings of Mme. Lovett's business partner, still wracked with guilt over killing him seven years ago. Or maybe it was the smell of the burning hearts below, in the furnace...

The Crust


No, I said.

I kept thinking, dammit, that I could ever resist.

First it was the sweating,

then it was the warning screams.

The nightmares, the terrors...

all that horror novel shit.

I tried psyching him out,

but that failed.

I tried everything, even getting C. to garlic air-freshen my house; got the crew to do all the vampire warding stuff, but even then--I don't know.

All I remember is, "I need a Lovett...and considering how nice you are, how sweet you've been to my little're the perfect replacement. Come with me."

I should have punched him. I really should have punched him...but it was way too late for that. I was in the Pie-triarchy. I was nominated for the Rappie Awards and there was no backing out now. But--I could tell you, so you can avoid my terrible fate! 

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