ODE TO DESPAIR

On Death & Dying

the EPITOME of done-ness Heaven, Paradise, Utopia.

Till death do us part.

Ahh, bittersweet Misery. Death. The people should not be saddened by one's passing from land of the living into the cold cradle of death however it remains the biggest mystery of all and one of the greatest fears in life. Earthly living and worldly possessions can only keep an old soul satisfied for so long until life itself becomes burden to the strong-minded...

on Earth we just wait to die, for it is in death we become truly free. In the end, we all meet the inescapable fate that seals the envelope of our time here on this great planet and leave behind those lasting legacies any smooth sailor could transform into epic novels.

Higher state of consciousness. Eternally dreaming. Slumber. Perhaps what we are doing in transient transcendental states of Meditation is practicing our own death...

The whole interconnected to Everything law is why it wouldn't matter if I were to die today...

the great circle of life will surely evolve into something higher than the circle of life...

IF I WERE TO DIE TODAY.

Ohh, “if I were to die today,” I would humbly smile in joy...

I've seen and done it all, and there's no need for more

jaded thoughts, countless loving hours, no one now remembering me as their friend.

I don't care for your tears. Carry on now throughout your years.

Don't let it get you down, just please now forget me!

And now I shut my mouth and I lock my doors, 'cause this world don't even want me no more

Ohh, “if I were to die today,” my corpse be burnt by choice...

There were so fuckin' many reasons to enjoy living the life of men.

Now I don't have time for them, it's time to say my Goodbyes!

But first I must apologize for any inconveniences... along the way, to any one of you -

Go ahead and knock me out! If you feel that there is something...just any

little old thing to prove..feeling tired, drifting to sleep. And I'm too scared to move!

So damn close to my final breath. as always, anticipating the end...

what a crock of shit it's been. Body cold, and I can't stop this shivering!

And so I shut my mouth, and I lock my doors. 'Cause this world don't even want me no more...

Ohh, “if I were to die today,” my corpse be burnt by choice – I never asked for life anyway!

My ashes spread amongst a tornado. With CHAOS in its voice.

Just another forgotten soul, a vagabond! Some say it's better off like this!

Where is this mysterious maker of men we all seek? And why, Sir, may I ask. Are we created to lose? How can we live here happily with just a few days left to repent?

Yet another time is Come, now many blissful things approaching – I'm on my deathbed. And there's nothing left to do. I've finally made it! Nothing more now than breaking through. My aggression too much, I'm a timebomb freak. Just any little Fuck Up, my Self-Control now is weak.

* Destruction

Plus One. (+1)

Vengeance is Wraith, and Wraith is True. The excruciating Truth is before me. I see it, but no belief is present. Patience is Nowhere, I need out. And the clock on the Wall still murmurs its chime...

Red blood-like splotched images on the curtain, dreaded curtain...

Delirious, where am I again?

Mother? Piss off.

Father? Truth hurts.

GET OFF ME. You sadistic PIG, get off my wall! Afraid, misled, troubled, fucked up youth.

Vengeance is wraith = wraith is true. Open-minded I see the incubator, WONDERING if fetus has life.

Yet I do not search deeper in fear of the HORROR that may unfold. I die wondering, a day after. PLUS ONE.

...with my box filled with remnants of gore and guts, I bellow with laughter as I swallow your Soul...

What you see Here Now is an exact representation of my current thoughts on the whole of creation...self-diagnosis through hypnotism tells me that the patient (I, All) should be referred to as one who perceives the reality of which things are unrealistic. The 'everything is a dream syndrome.' one with this attitude may very well carry with self bipolar capabilities. Waves of violence and mental anguish will only grow stronger over time if disease goes uncured...

Just one more thing.

THERE IS NO CURE.

A volatile being, really. Spiritual whims and woes effected greatly by past faithlessness and neglect. In a box, located just outside of Amsterdam, one disinherited judgment of Angels can be connected with a sentence of Saints. One sacrifice, one life. My life for Yours...is this Harmony? Though quite non-existent in this Room, human reason far outweighs religious faith. My own master of my own kingdom, where this undoubted way be forged into me; here a rock, there a tree...a river floods, drowning everything...so plant a seed Nature, the Harvest is well worth the wait. Outside the realm of probability, the same is known of the way the three right angles of a triangle are equal to two right angles...bathing in the awareness that is a long-felt desire. To desire nothing more, I move with fluidity through progression's many courses...destroying all that is of no real consequence, I secure more time for the more important issues. (while I'm alive, and not in the box just yet: I need a challenge, something to do with my mind). All in hopes of enduring a satisfaction, in and of a life less lived, where development of character is all that is important. Time to retreat into the nest of reflection, where are we to go from here? Everything the light touches is mine to control. Many different points of view and opinions reflect just a watered down version of what was created in His image, so many generations ago. Like a dagger to my flesh, I'm bleeding for His sympathy...somewhere in my sleep I see you slip into my dream – what does it take to build esteem? I must practice relentlessly if I am to secure a win. I've become now a structure so masculine and incredibly brute in my glory even to the most straining and strenuous of tensions in life's realm of multi-colored ups and downs could not bare to break down.

Moving on so slowly toward: destination unknown. Why you ask? That's irrelevant. How shows structure- do it right. Here and not here. Now and not now. Tree of life survives. I take the time to cultivate each leaf, new beginnings...clearing out yesterday's dead, reflections of tomorrow to be revealed with more vivid clarity...basically I am sure of my rank at the throne. Using my senses for leverage, I will pry at the jaws of awareness...and see to it with much care that every obstacle be conquered. The key to my survival rests in the palm of my own hand, a thought; portraits of time standing still. Spark of divinity, lightning striking. Here a rock, there a tree. A river floods, drowning everything. So plant a seed nature, the harvest worth the wait.

You'll be Blessed.

Understand the journey there is often long and difficult. A million and one tough choice decisions, take your time...build it up! Potential danger lurks around the nearest corner constantly. Use caution, do it wisely, and make sure you're who you wanna be! Visualize life through a looking glass you'll see yourself and you'll be blessed. Humility and Charity may be with me through my time. I don't expect a thing from You, just respect but that's a given. This propaganda gets old! This shit's told time and time again. I'm staying true past the point of Absolute exhaustion. Visualize life through a looking glass. You'll see yourself, and you'll be blessed. They say the truth can set you free, what does it mean to me? If you become a slave to lust or passion – kill your ego. YOU'RE NOT FREE. The seed must first seek death in order to grow and harvest fruit. No matter lie or truth, we are all fools out in the rain.

Into the looking glass – shadowed sympathy raining down on me. Into the Looking glass – you'll see yourself.

The End of the World

Since the dawn of 'intelligent beings' we have talked of the day the world will end. There have been talks of fire, earthquakes, panic, and darkness.

This is wrong.

The day the world ends will be bright and sunny. The sky will be a beautiful, cloudless blue; the grass, a true grass green and the air will contain the perfect amount of warm breeze. And there will be a pep rally.

School administration, being the sports-crazed lunatics they are, will begin mandatory cheerleading classes for girls and a mandatory sports-participation class for all students. They will also begin to require that all clothes be brightly colored, and have brand names sewn onto them.

As soon as one enters school, at a young impressionable age, girls will taught how to match clothes, get their fathers to buy them anything, and how to shop for the most expensive and fashionable clothes possible and how to wrap the boys around their little fingers.

A new day will dawn, where you will have people going downtown to watch their next rape victim walk home from work in the darkness. You will have people going out killing one another for fun. You will have presidential candidates whining about losing elections and giving in until five recounts later.

But you will wake up every morning in the springtime to bright, sunny days, with birds chirping their little heads off and communicating their brilliance, and you will hear lawnmowers bellowing from miles away.

Wait, doesn't this sound a lot like the every day occurrences that are happening now? Is what I'm saying here actually what the end of the world will be like? You decide whether or not this Hell that goes on in every day life is what biblical prophecies predicted the end to be like.

If the world were to get a second chance, a shot at redemption of all things that have been lost...let it be My Will that guides them through it. Before baby steps, one must first learn to crawl. In order to turn accomplishments into great things, one must first study the building blocks of greatness.

* because, CHAOS.

Buried in a shallow grave near the gallows

Birds, butterflies, pure happiness...Skies of blue – thinking of You... I See You, it's raining. Thunder, Lightning. I've never seen a Typhoon before firsthand. There's a first to everything, right? I watch as the rain smashes off the ground. Frail blades of grass pelted; split in half. What violence is behind it...CHAOS. Chaos is home, and chaos is me...without it, there would be no birds, butterflies, pure happiness. As the cycle repeats, life itself evolves. People progress, CHAOS. People die, CHAOS. It's everywhere – it is what we are.

It is inescapable.

And so Chaos is home, and home is where the flowers grow. I've thrown It all away and I don't care anymore.

It's like never really knowing if you're asleep or awake. Insomnia's the way to get the most out of Night & Day.

Catastrophic, Nuclear Bomb, Cataclysmic, Armageddon. Words I heard while giving the national news a chance to be graced by my being as a number in their ratings tonight. I don't believe it's time to worry about complete annihilation just yet, and when that time does come, I hope the suffering be minute. I do however feel we as habit forming creatures should always do things in our every day rituals to increase our awareness to be prepared for such devastation in our own lives in the case of actual Global Meltdown. The species of Mankind has become so trigger happy and so quick to point fingers that War has become more a part of our everyday lives than Love and Peace and with that horrifying truth I find a need to worry. Fear mongering. Or is it? The capability to bring about the means to our civilization's end is certainly real, and has been for quite some time now, every second being watched by some militarized member of like-minded savages somewhere, all over the Earth in different GPS coordinate locations, all just waiting to end Life as we know it with the push of a single button. My, my, what terrible shape the world is in.

To withhold the Chaos is to withhold Peace.
To withhold Peace is to be lacking Misery.
To be lacking Misery is to be blind to all Hope.
To be blind to all the Hope one can not endure through Love.

For it is to be without Hope and Love that one can not suffer from Hate.

It's because of Hate that the root of Evil drives us back
into the Chaos.

Chaos is constant, Chaos is me. It drives me, feeds me.
Satisfies me.

Welcome to my Nightmare,
You are now one step closer to the Darkness.

Anger: the answer to the Truth-
What lies beneath the Chaos
is me Chaos is home. The root of all Anger. Where the flowers grow.

It is what we are.

* Filth

Seek to FLEE.

All are of the dust. And all will turn to dust again soon. Nothing is so natural as to hold the answer to a known but unasked question. Nothing is so fucking foolish. As to think anyone deserves the Glory of Fulfillment. Nothing is so fucking shallow, empty. As the Man behind the Universe with Knowledge of Eternity. You think you're worthy but you're nothing more than contradiction. FULFILLMENT can't be granted lest ye find Knowledge of Every Essence...the water {EARTH, AIR, FIRE} is so cloudy here. I told them – BUT THEY WOULDN'T LISTEN. Now they're drowning in an atmosphere of dumbfounded ignorance! Alone in a world that's an expert at mind games.

Hallowed be thy name. Hallowed be thy name. Hallowed be thy name. Hallowed be thy name.

Nothing can be sacred without first becoming weathered. Seek to FLEE Your Self. Seek to FLEE your world.

A moment too soon forgotten as I'm awoken from this slumber.

No longer am I special; ONCE AGAIN JUST A NUMBER.

I would've never wanted You to see me like this, had tonight not had happened. I lie cold, filthy, in a puddle of desperate attempts. Awkward silences are where I am comforted. I dwell upon them for security. I wish I would've never opened my world to yours, because now you know I'm alive to be ignored.

A Thousand Dreams of Suffering. A silent scream leading back to me.

“I wish I could make myself hate you,” is what you told me when I disobeyed you.

I think, yea I'm pretty sure that “everybody lies.” – Dr. Greg House (Hugh Laurie).

At times, I sink into my mind, where mortal souls become filthy fucking swines. I'm going to take you one time, and it'll make or break your mind. Sometimes I know it's hard to be a man and walk a straight and narrow line. Sometimes the obstacles you face will remain nuisances throughout your entire life. How many times will it take you, though, to fake it until you make it? You wait because you don't wanna lose it – but something good has GOT to happen. Yep, keep dreaming.

* Greed

You laugh. At my misfortune's disposal, you love to hear me cry. You want. More than your own freedom, just to watch me die. You couldn't care less if I left today. You never cared. About me.

No one really gives a shit though, and it wasn't that good to know you. Wish I could just STOP, BREATHE, and BLEED! For all the things I've done for you, you'd think you'd give some back. And I will keep this forever. No one really cares about me though and it's still not good to know you. Wish I could just STOP! BREATHE! And BLEED! So dance around my finger, little fetish of mine. Take a picture even...

*

I look down. She's there. I turn away – she appears. Multitudes of words rise to the surface but I can not bring myself to arrange them in a transparent, adhesive order...my last desperate attempt to regain something so beautiful, so true. Alas, a failure. From the first moment I laid my eyes on her I knew she was the one.

We were drinking coffee at opposite booths at the Saloon, each alone. I knew we would share countless days in the most glorified of fashions: picking poppies for tea and dandelions for wine. We would complete each others' sentences, share the same dreams, and sit quietly with one another for hours simply for the lack of something better to do...there is a calming effect in silence that will balance you.

I guess that's what you call Love. Sweet bliss.

Piercing, unbearable pain in the upper left cavity of my chest. - heartbreak, if you will.

Fists of rage, clenched.

Alert and anticipating the attack. FIGHT OR FLIGHT.

Such an overpowering feeling whenever you take a life; perhaps the same as when one creates one.

Superiority at its peak.

SWEET CHILD OF DEATH – why do you haunt me?

United as One, divided into two...She loves me, she loves me not. Our commitment fell apart whenever we lost You. Unborn child in which was never-to-be conceived at all.

“Did you, did you?” FUCK! Pondering on days of old, I wonder. When was it that she lost interest?

BLACK CAT, RAIN ON OUR WEDDING DAY.

Endless Possibilities.

My pillow soaked in bitter, salty droplets of liquid from my eye – tears, as we so eloquently call them. I see her lovely brunette hair and her tiger's eye brown eyes looking up at me, crying.

I look closer, as to stare at her in the most heartfelt, apologetic, hazy trance...

She's hiding something more. It's not right – the atmosphere a gloomy one.

All I can do is cry. My eyes feel warm. The liquid now streaming from them is not the bitterness of before, but of reddish tint with thicker texture – sweet to the taste. I've got it. I'm crying blood. The significance of the blood here is grand. Representing a relationship of the titans, two fatal attractions coming together to form an even more lethal dose – over. DONE. FUCKING WHORE.

I had to lie to get the truth out of her.

A moment of silence for the realization that I will never share that same feeling with anyone, ever again.

AS LONG AS I SHALL LIVE. I NEED A WAY OUT.

A place to call home, a 'me' place. Up in a tree, in a cave, a secluded fortress...couldn't care less where. Just as long as my eyes can rest. Where my thoughts can run wild.

THOUGHT. The duality of Human Nature.

My head struck by a tremendous loss of weight. Suddenly off-balance.

My eyes saturated with a white, snowy gloss...my nose is running, palms sweating. My resting place is not complete without You. I need You. I feel...You.

She seems baffled by my delirium. She whips around, as to leave, thrashing and ranting. I grab her. So hard she is abruptly stopped dead in her tracks. Wrist throbbing from depreciation of blood flow, she breaks free from my grasp after violent motions to flee the scene...she runs.

I try following her, but my feet are stuck. Buried under the snow. I motion to wipe the cold sweat from my brow; glimpse at my forearm, – wait. The very same substance seeped from my eyes hours before.

DOUBLE TAKE. A tremendous rush of heat and fright rushes through my body. I must save her. I must redeem our love.

I turn the key, engine running...engine revving, car flying...headlights, pierce the blizzard outside while sheer desperation pierces the blizzard inside my head.

Race against time – in full pursuit.

I arrive at the house. The same secluded, lonely house. It's not long before dusk.

Fully equipped with a stocked bass pond, one hundred acres, and more blueberry bushes than one can fathom...this place has been our quarters for connecting to the Spirit for years...

I quickly unload myself along with the bouquet arrangement of flowers I picked for my girl.

Anxiety stricken, I enter the House. Eerie aura waves. Nothing out of the ordinary for the place – but not helping in the comfortability category. Perhaps though – something is not right. Out of place.

By this time, the Sun has set fully. Not enough ample lighting in the house for someone to be here –

AND AWAKE. I enter the room, no light. Flip the switch – smell of Death. God, you fucking prick.

And there she lay, lifeless on the bed. It's my fault. I treated her so badly recently. Wait- I tried...tried so fucking hard to keep our love alive but she just didn't ever really have a care. She traded love with another besides me.

I look to the flowers I hastily placed on her nightstand...The petals are wilted, disheveled, also appearing LIFELESS. I look harder, two petals left. She loves me, she loves me not...

I've seen enough. I need a new place. This place once an escape route used for finding comfort during derangements, now a memory to add to all the tragedy.

It was always so peaceful...BUT NOW – now it's filled with the same amount of traumatizing memories I had when I first started coming around here...

My subconscious about to give, no will to even live. I've lost all hope. I have no purpose here now, I've failed. I couldn't save her. Gouts of blood spew from the laceration in my neck. I fall to the floor, unaware of my surroundings. Everything turns white and I can't see...anything. I can't breathe. I can't...live.

SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT.

And so I write to her in closure...

So this is what Goodbye feels like...so much confused love tangled up inside. It's all just in spite of the way I used to be alive. Thoughts of the bond we built in ruins, I guess it's over now, I guess this is Goodbye. I wonder why I cry when I remember the ties, we tried to make it work, we tried to let it fly. I just couldn't pry you apart from the insecurities you deny...and all the lies. I've been hiding my pride inside a lost little child for too long now, it's been a long while. I guess it's over now. I guess this is Goodbye.