feels… so cold. I feel so cold. I feel so numb and tired. It’s so dark I can
barely see anything except for that small light. I want to touch it. I want to
keep it all to myself. I want to feel warm again. I start to swim towards it.
I wake up and see nothing except that land in which I stand on is filled with nothing but dust and puddles of broken fragments. Just one touch of the puddle and I feel like I’ll become infected with its poison. Judging by the sun rising, it’s still not even sunrise. My eyelids feel so heavy that any second now, I know that I will collapse. But I can’t. I feel so cold. The wind is pushing me to the brink. I need to start walking again or else, who knows what will happen to me?
I walk and keep seeing the same scenery. Was it always this peaceful? I have no idea. My head gives me a small pound, releasing me from my deep thoughts. A somewhat incomplete bliss fills my head instead. As I keep walking, however, my ponderings rise up once more and I stop in my footsteps. I suddenly remember that there’s something I need to find. Something absolutely necessary for me to have. I have to find it. I have to find it. I start walking again. Find what? What am I searching for? I don’t remember but I know it’s important. It’s lost and I need to find it. Maybe if I keep searching, I’ll remember. Yeah, that’ll do. That’ll work. That’s what I always did back then. I was the one who made backup plans in case the first ones didn’t work. I was the one who… what was it that I did? What was it that I was doing? I don’t know. All I want to focus on is finding it. I want to find it. I will find it. If I could only remember what it was…
I keep walking along the artless land and look at my surroundings. Still nothing. Why is it so empty? I was so sure I could hear screaming just a few hours back… Screaming? There was screaming? When? It doesn’t matter now, I hope. My feet start to burn and I take a small break. Just I had imagined. My feet are covered with small stones and I can barely see my skin color. I can only see red. Red. I only see red… My head gives me another punch and I snap out of it, almost forcefully. I want to stay where I am but I know I have to keep moving. If I don’t, who knows what will sneak upon me and stab me in the back? I stiffen at the sudden thought. Why would something stab me in the back? No, don’t dwell on something you can’t even understand. Just start walking again. The pain feels so rough it’s like walking on a bed full of needles. Sharp, pointy, knife-like needles that just live to torture me to no end. I wonder why I can feel such pain. I look down and I see that I’m barefoot. Curious how I noticed this now when I had just checked a few moments back. I must have lost my shoes sometime back. Were the shoes the important thing I was searching for? No, it couldn’t have been. Wait. I remember now. I didn’t need them at that time so I gave them to my friend. He had just looked at me, unblinking with his unmoving heart, and I left him with them. I hope he’s using them well now.
Hold on for a second. Where are my shoes? I have no idea.
I keep walking and find myself meeting another friend. Hello there, do you need a place to stay? I’m honestly searching for that myself. I look more closely at his body. I cringe in disgust but still manage a friendly face. I’m so sorry for being offensive but you look like a rotting corpse. Are you cold? Here, have my jacket. I don’t need it anymore so you can have it. Take it so you don’t die. Those who look lifeless need my help the most, you know. And right now, you look just as lifeless as the bloody land. Will you look at that? You have blood on yourself, too. What a coincidence!
I lay my only jacket on top of his unmoving chest but surely he is still alive. He just wants to play with me here. Tease me to enlighten mood. The mood does feel really dull and sluggish. This is a good thing. He’s alive. He’s alive. I start to walk away. Goodbye friend. Take care of my jacket.
I start to walk again and the sun starts to set. The orange color it emits keeps me from moving and I look at it, somewhat horridly. There’s something about this color. Its mixture of red and orange pulls me in and I am almost about to jump off from my safe little edge of the cliff when a breeze takes hold of me instead, making me shiver in the cold. I don’t like the cold. Where’s my jacket? I have no idea. But I do find is cave. I enter it cautiously, trying my best not to make a sound. I don’t remember where I got that training from but I do know that it was absolutely necessary. Why? No clue.
A distinct, rancid smell hits my nose and something stirs within me. I enter and see more unmoving soldiers. Hello, may I enter this party? There’s no response. Hey, can I sit here? Nothing. I get angry for an unknown reason. Answer me. I need to stay here; I just need to. I can’t go out alone now. It looks so dark. I don’t like the dark. I can’t see anything in the dark. I feel so helpless if I can’t see. Please, answer me. Please, tell me that I can stay. You’re my friends, right? I can stay? I touch one of my newly made friends and he is as cold as ice. I jump back in shock and his skin peels off and sticks to my hand. I look at it and smile.
Well, look at that. Your skin peeled off. It’s stuck to my hand now. Would you like it back? Of course you don’t. And you know why you don’t want it? Because you’re dead. You’re all dead. Dead, rotten, decayed, dead, dead, and dead. How does it feel to have your heart stop beating? Does it feel nice? Do you feel happy that you literally left everything behind like the selfish bastard you are? Well here I am, still alive. You have no right. You have absolutely no right to leave me here, alone and cold and dark and... and…. Scared. But I guess you do have a right. You died trying to help me, right? But no. You still left me. You still decided that it was better to leave my sorry ass out here while you left all by yourself. How about you do yourself a favor and get rid of yourself on your own? I’ve had enough doing that myself. Don’t you understand? I still have that smell of rotting skin, you know? I can still remember the touch of such a vile texture. Every night we would count how many of us left us so selfishly. Every night we would dig a hole in the ground and throw them away like the trash they were. But you still need help. You can’t do it by yourself anymore. You don’t have the life to do it. But you still have no right. Can’t you see I need help, too? I need help.
My head pounds with such fury and pain that I just cannot tolerate it. I can’t feel anything. I feel numb. So, so numb. I suddenly have an urge to try and rip my throat out. I start to scream to make the job easier. I have an urge to glance outside the cave and what do you know? There you are, just outside the cave, looking at me with your eyes. Your stupid, hollow, deprived eyes.
What did I do to you? What did I do to make you haunt me so greatly? I’m sorry for everything I said. I’m sorry that my big mouth just had to get you killed. But what else could I do? That was my job. I had to make plans and strategies to win. I had people agree with me; I had people support my views. The war was just like chess to me. We just had to protect the king or else it was checkmate for us. We would all die if I didn’t sacrifice a few pawns. I did what I could to protect you all. I’m so sorry that you still ended up that way.
Stop looking me with those eyes. Stop glaring at me like you blame me for letting you die. I know I’m already guilty. I know that I deserve the blame. I know that I was supposed to be the one to die. So what do you want me to do? Should I follow in your footsteps? I’m sorry but I can’t do that. Why? Well, can you hear the screaming outside? Can you hear the bangs and the sound of flesh being ripped apart by their hands and knives? There’s nothing. It’s so quiet outside. No one’s out there anymore. They’ll never be out there anymore. I feel so lonely. Why did you have to leave me to suffer like this? What did I do to deserve such a horrible punishment? Why couldn’t you just let me forget everything? I was doing so well.
Look at me. Can’t you see my surroundings? I’m with dead people. And I feel so, so happy. Why? Why am I so happy? What am I searching for?
So cold. I feel so fucking cold. I keep screaming.
It feels… so cold. I feel so cold. I feel so numb and tired. It’s so dark, I can’t see anything anymore. Where’s the light I was catching? Did I even have a light to begin with? I have no clue.
It’s so dark, I can barely comprehend anything. It makes me wonder, where exactly am I? Did I find something worth finding for? Or did I fail, just like last time? Was there a last time? Was there a time when I failed? Was it my fault? I don’t know. I just don’t know. I feel so lost…
Who am I?
My head finally give me a final push and I feel myself falling off the edge and suddenly, my mind clears up so blissfully. It feels so complete now. I smile widely, something I don’t think I’ve ever done before.
I glance up and there you are, right in front of me. Oh, I’m sorry. I was rude for not introducing myself, wasn’t I? Well, let me start all over again. Hello, I’m dead. Nice to meet you.