“Tell me about your dreams, Mr. Järvinen,” dr. Carter asked the boy again calmly, patiently. It might by exaggeration to describe Nooa as a ’boy’ since he became twenty-three in last December but nobody could tell his age when they see his childish face, small nose and slender physique. He was silent as well. He was sitting mutely on the sofa with legs pulled up under a blanket that Carter had layed on him. He absorbed in his thoughts and was staring at the table between him and the doctor on what honeyed tea was fuming in a white mug. It was just waiting for Nooa to drink it but he didn’t want to. He had already enough from the tea and from that he had to go out again and again to the bathroom. According to Carter the tea is good, according to Nooa it is not. But he didn’t wish to argue because of this again.
“I do not have anything to tell you,” Nooa said unwillingly. He threw his long, brown, fine head of hair and looked into the doctor’s eyes, that were hidden behind glasses, with innocent, filmy gaze.
“Do you still have nightmares?”
Carter was Nooa’s contrast in almost everything. He was tall and manly, wore suit with necktie, let himself the moustache and a low-key beard but his hear could never be longer than two centimeters.
He didn’t reminded Nooa to a psychiatrist. Rather to a lawyer or something like this but that predominant confidence and determined emanation didn’t give handle to suppose that Carter listens to people’s complaints day by day. Or to be more exact he just listened to. He was thirty-five when he decided that his job is over but one year later in behalf of Nooa’s brother he took him but to be honest he asked the price.
“I always have.”
“And what about the hallucinations?”
“You really think that I would sit here if I didn’t have them?”
“Do you keep my rules?”
“I do but I don’t really get the point. Maybe if I do not read the Shining, I will have enough time to think about why I am not allowed to watch the television?”
“My methods work. For everybody.”
Nooa growled something. He does this only because of his brother, to calm him down. Yes, he is the only reason why he does this! He is not mad and not schizophrenic neither. He really sees what he sees. But he can say anything to a psychiatrist, that is his job! To think someone is fool or make a fool of someone.
His brother wouldn’t have agreed. They almost had a big fight when Nooa didn’t want to go tot he first therapy.
’I am worried about you.’
He has his brother in mind often. Honestly, he always has him in mind. He loves him. And hates him.
Niilo horns in everything!
Because Niilo is always right.
No, Niilo isn’t always right! He is so annoying! He always argues.
Niilo only wants the best for Nooa.
“Do you take the medicines?” – the doctor asked.
“The half chest is already empty but it doesn’t help!! These are not hallucinations!”
“We have talked about it earlier. Be more patient.”
“Why are you not listening to me!?”
“I am listening, how could I not? But if you don’t trust me my attention worths nothing.”
“You think that I am crazy. My brother also thinks that I’ve lost my mind. By the way my whole family has the same opinion!”
“I would like to hear about your family.”
Nooa was staring at the doctor with a sarcastic smile on his face.
“You avoided to answer my question if you think that I am crazy or not.”
“Was it a question? Are you uncertain? Are you waiting for reincforment?”
“Nothing’s wrong with me! Do not analyze me!”
“Why not? That’s why your brother pays for me.”
“You don’t say!”
“Tell me what would you like to watch in the television?”
“I don’t know. I don’t even understand why it bothers me, I haven’t really watched TV. I rather read.”
“You mentioned the Shining. Have you read horror books?”
“You already tell me more now than in the last two weeks.”
Nooa straightened his body. He was seeking for the clock with his eyes.
He liked that room. Everything seemed so clear. The blue curtains that were drawn, the blue sofa on which he was sitting, the blue armchair on which the doctor took seat. The fainter blue carpet and the lighter walls. The continous smell of the tea had sedative effect on Nooa although he still loathed the tea.
“Our time is up,” Nooa said and threw the blanket down.
“Nevermind. If you feel you are able to speak now, speak.”
“About my dreams?”
“I’m all ears.”
Crawing of ravens and crows,
in their guts vermin crawl.
Blood flow from Mary’s eyes,
the servant of evil comes for your life.
Nooa pulled the blanket back. He tried to make himself at home and gazed at the ceiling. He won’t look into Carter’s eyes while he speaks but he will tell about his dreams if that is what he wants. Two days ago even God couldn’t have been able to persuade him to say something but he didn’t care about it anymore. On the former therapies Nooa stared at his mug meanwhile Carter was talking to him. He tried to get him to speak with speach.
Carter knew that if he is tolerant Mr. Järvinen will speak. He never failed. Everyone knew his name in England and almost all over Europe. He already met with patients who were stubborn and though going similar to Nooa but he could break every of them. It was comparatively easy in Nooa’s case. But somehow he found something strange in him. According to his experiences there are two kind of patient types who come to a psychiatrist: the one who wants to recover and the other one who is wanted to be recovered. The question is pertinent: which type of patient Nooa would be? And this is what was strange in him. He was neither and both.
He believes that what he sees is real but because of the request of his brother he comes to the therapy on every week twice. He doesn’t want to but he keeps the Carter-rules, as he calls them. He doesn’t watch TV, doesn’t read upsetting, sorrowful and creepy books, doesn’t prepare exciting occupations for himself and takes the ’fantastic but Nooa never heard about it’ medicine.
Nooa didn’t read newspaper neither. Not because it was forbidden he just wasn’t interested. Sudoku and crosswords were the exceptions.
“Every of my dreams start with a say.”
“With a say?”
“Sometimes it is the same, sometimes it is not. I hear five or more children chant and they echo everything at the plot of my dream.”
“What do they chant?”
Beware of the creature
that walks on thousand legs,
beware of the creature
that holds you with thousand legs.
Beware of the vermin and
lock your door well,
thus the Evil can’t come into the
house and won’t drag you to hell.
“They warn me or just talk about vermin. They also mention the ’Evil’. I am asked to lock my door and windows.”
“Do you lock them?”
“I don’t,” the patient lied. “There are some cases when they don’t use rhymes just shout at me.”
“What do they shout?”
“Beware! Don’t let him under your skin. Don’t talk about him. You open doors to it.”
“What do you think about this?”
“I do not think anything, I’m just scared. That’s all.”
“Where do these dreams take place?”
Once upon a time there was a dark December. And in that dark December there was a forest. It was produced by high, dry, black trees. Lifeless trees. It was snowing but instead of the enchanting, blue sky if Nooa looked to take stock of the twigs he couldn’t see anything only darkness. But the flakes didn’t trouble themselves, they were falling undisturbedly and created a ghostly, snowy scenery.
Nooa doesn’t know where he is thus he just starts off somewhere. He rapes the virgin snow in boots meanwhile he is going forwards and nowhere. He is terrified and panicking.
Beware of the creature
that walks on thousand legs,
beware of the creature
that would creep under your bed.
If you hear it whispers, run away!
Otherwise it may think you’re
in its way.
Nooa stops. He feels the cold, it stings his hand and his pale face but he ignores it. He wipes the snow off from his lashes. The silence is maddening same as the snow that is crisping under his feet and also the darkness that the trees disappear in the blackness are also maddening!
He looks down on his thighs. Centipedes are climbing up on his body. He sees an ugly and big millipede on his shin, he doesn’t even believe a worm like that can exist. It follows the vermin and consumes them. Meanwhile it is eating they try to escape and twitches their repulsive legs.
Nooa feels faint. Ha wants to brush off the worms but he doesn’t understand why he is not able to move. He looks back at the darkness and he is apalled because there’s something that returns his glance. He doesn’t see if it is a human or a demon but he can take out a pair of eyes perfectly from the obscurity. That pair of eyes. Behind the pale blue iris and the distended pupil there’s nothing else but blackness. It is as black as abony. Nothing can reflect on it not even the light.
Beware from the creature that walks on thousand legs.
Nooa looks down again and starts screaming. The millipede ate every vermin that were grasping on his clothes and it is already on his neck, it perverts its ringed, black body that is as long as a forearm of a human. In an unexpected moment it penetrates into Nooa’s moouth and finds his way to his throat but here the dream always ends. This scene doesn’t always happen but when it does Nooa is just standing there with opened mouth as he would be charmed while he aspires to retch and wants to wake up.
“It is always the same place. In December, in a dark forest. Usually worms climb on my body. Centipedes, millipedes. And I hear the whispering of the children.”
“Describe that forest in its every detail.”
And Nooa described the forest in its every detail. He didn’t miss even the creepy pair of eyes that frightened him so much. He also told how he feels in his dreams. He is not only afraid but he feels like someone is continously watching him. Maybe the pair of eyes. Even if he doesn’t recognize it, it already sees Nooa when he starts dreaming.
“Honestly I feel that I’m watched not only in my dreams,” Nooa said and looked upon Carter expectantly.
“Maybe even now?”
“No, I never feel something like this here, neither at home. But when I go out to the street I have the same sensation when I’m in my dream. Someone watches and maybe also follows me.”
“These are the signs of schizophrenia.”
“Then why isn’t the medicine effective?”
“What’s more, the hallucinations got worse in the last two weeks!”
“Don’t exaggerate, please. The medicine that I prescribed is very special and you can’t get it from every pharmacy at the corner. My proposal would be that wait a little longer and if we still don’t see any result we can try the Latuda.”
“We should have started with that, maybe.”
“Or maybe not because the Grogolin was effective for all of my patients, I would be surprised if you was an exception. Let’s move on to December. Mention the first three words that comes to your mind if you think about that month.”
“Christmas, snow, my birthday.”
“Listen, I don’t know why my dreams take place in December. It might be important because of the celebrations! I don’t think it has an important meaning.”
“And what can you say about the worms?”
“I don’t like them but I don’t have a sickly phobia from them neither.”
Dr. Carter, as he have always done, wrote down everything that he found important assidously but he also tried to keep the eye contact with the patient thus he often glanced up from his papers.
“Drink some tea.”
Nooa reached for the mug and reluctantly drunk some sips then as if he had to taste into broth with jam and poppy seed, he winced. Eww! He hated the tea so much!
Then he started thinking about the sorrowful fate of the tea leaves. They have to be brewed and also their natural taste will be oppressed with lemon, honey or milk and if that wouldn’t be enough there are some rough guys like Nooa who decided that he doesn’t like tea and won’t be willing to drink it even with added flavours.
“What’s in your mind?” the doctor asked when he realized the patient didn’t do anything he was just staring at the new white mug that he bought this November.
“Would it strengthen or weaken the speculation of the schizophrenia if I told that about the unjust fate of the tea leaves?”
“Maybe neither. Say a few words about your family!”
“My parents had died when I was eight years old. My brother dropped out the university and found a job.”
“He rose you, didn’t he?”
“We can say so. I don’t really have any kind of relationship with my other family members. They live in Finland and are not curious about me or my brother. We have a phone call from them on every Christmas but that’s all.”
“But you must have a good relationship with your brother.”
“Not as good as you imagine.”
“Why? Did you have an argument?”
“Niilo horns in everything… And pretends that he is always right! We haven’t even talked since the therapy started.”
“In my opinion this hurts him more than you,” said Carter and added some information on his papers.
“I am the one who was offended!”
“That might be true but remember what you have said earlier. He was your guardian since you were eight. Your whole life was his responsibility even if he was so young. Such a huge burden! He fed you, attired you and according to what you mentioned, he still horns in everything, he didn’t just let you growing like a tree in the forest, did he?”
“He did not…”
“That’s right. He feels that he did many things for you and he isn’t wrong, that’s why he thinks he didn’t deserve this behavior from you. Do you live together?”
“Now we don’t.”
“When did you move?”
“Almost a month ago.”
“Because it annoyed you that your brother horned in everything.”
“And I am the one who has right!”
“Because you feel like your brother doesn’t let you exist.”
“So you do understand me!”
“Yes but I understand your brother as well. As I already told you he was accountable for you for fifteen years. It is reasonable that he wants to horn in everything because he got used to it. There isn’t any vicious intention in it.”
Nooa didn’t respond. He knew that the doctor is the one who has right, not him and not Niilo but he didn’t want him to has right! Niilo is so annoying! Niilo horns in everything! Do this! Do that! Don’t do this! Don’t do that! Nooa is not a child anymore.
But Carter’s words found their way to his heart. ’In my opinion this hurts him more than you.’ Maybe this is true. Niilo is very annoying and horns in everything but he means well.
“You should talk to Niilo. I’m sure he would listen.”
“I’m also sure but he thinks that I’m crazy. That’s why I hate him!”
“You don’t hate him. You’re furious. But your brother wants to help same as I. Niilo loves you. He loves you very much. He was the one who asked me to take you as my patient. Go home now, call him up and talk to him.”
“About our argument?”
“Only if he brings it up. Until then pretend that you’re not angry.”
“But I am!”
“You are but you will do this in behalf of your brother. Because you love Niilo. And if he really brings the argument up you will tell your problems to him calmly and ask him to try to change. Hit the sealing and pack up is the worst solution. Drink the tea and let me show you out. I will see you on next Tuesday. But if you need something just call me. Anytime.”
Nooa didn’t say anything just nodded.
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