Chapter 1
The plush opulence of the coral reefs went and swept in a seashore of the fiends which fed on lives. It was a summer like no other for me. I was in childhood. A birth was about to happen. Glowed out leaves as things disappeared and appeared. As if life went in a daze of worship. I was never going to be that. I thought in some rage. My rage had started early and then swept them along with it. The whole household the clan the trade offs in between and thoughts disappoint disappeared. So delicate they could never be in there with the passions and the rage which I had.
Always soaked to the skin with them. Yes it was always that. I had so many to seek out to learn no one was making me do the right deeds.
Mum had departed to parts unknown and there was the sea as if buzzing as if in the shores which settled on us. Like he could not lift his shoulders up. He had to work he said he had to work in order to become a man. If I worked half as much as he did we would be okay.
Being in the nice 1959 I was there struggling to swim struggling to keep up with the things inside my head and understanding did not come at all easy. I had to work everything out for myself because people lied. And once one made a mistake there was no turning back. As dad was prime example of that. He said if he knew what he knew back than he would have chopped it off.
He saw that I was confused and did not speak again shearing the sheep making the good vibes and then he asked me to compete with him. Compete how dad? Can you stand on that and see if you can? But you are taller? I go deeper in and see if I do not float. Okay.
I was not as tall as dad so I sunk.
The coral reefs were amazing the real thing I wished they were not so beautiful. I swum along and then I got entangled. The thing was not to struggle. They all said but to remain still. I did for some time it seemed a long time. I was at the bottom of somewhere called the sea was not it so exciting there was nothing but that. It was beautiful and silent and damned awe inspiring.
I traced the coral reefs as if for the last time. I knew there was no turning back I could not ask for help from dad He would say told you so I am a better person than you. So I stayed silent and did not shout or scream just floated for some time. The thing which woke me up was the lamb and the sheep had come to join me. I thought what a idea that the lamb should drown that got me angry. How dare the poor lamb be there in this predicament so started blowing bubbles.
There was nothing to it. The lamb had to be saved the lamb had to be saved. Dad pulled me up. I was semi conscious or something I could see and feel nothing. There seemed no sense in making a move. I had come out of the water and there was someone trying to do a kiss of life. He was in fact doing it wrong. I was a child someone said and pinched my nose and the water came out and I began to breath.
I did not know that there had been a gathering that there had been someone responsible all I knew was I got a telling off a change of clothes and some bread and cheese. Sorry if this is inconvenient to know but to know is the thing these days. One has to know because without knowing where does one get to? Without the mapped out courses there cannot be a guide and others might not be able to see. I am not a pervert my perversions are not insane but that is a murder attempt is it not?
Well let me guide you again let me speak seek the truth. That he my dad told me less than three to dive into the sea and he and I were in competing terms. I believing him made a error of judgement and nearly died. He being a man of that type thought that was fair.
Not fair?
Well let us discuss this.
To be fair the partners have to be equal and the equal in body weight intelligence and age. I being a mere terrible two was not that. So seeking the truth the whole truth is so stupid we make believe life is simple that it is only for our pleasures it is not. There are so many things in life which we do not want to have and someone like myself and my father is one of them.
I am not the same have not been since that time in Cyprus I am never going to be a comfortable body to live with. I am someone who had been on the mend and now have been not on the mend, I will be forever on the suicide watch. I will be someone's burden as if that was not enough they think they know that being the victim is the soul responsibility of someone like me. It is my own fault.
I did not relentlessly go through these stories in order to give you all a talking down too. There are other people's monsters there are monsters everywhere. They make and break the common sense. Whose father tried to kick them down when they were down? Whose father played football with her life. Whose dad is like mine?
Yet I am told he is your dad and he does not depart because it is his house because he lent us money. We did not could never repay him.
Well the thing was being his ex girl of course mother would say that. Who is now no longer that smart girl the child who did not swim got entangled in the coral reefs.
I nearly died that day I was shocked and I was inside this dress which was wet. Like someone dead I watched myself as the crowd milled round and someone said move let her breath.
My dad the Joker said he very sad and began to cry and sadden by his sadness. He began to touch his clothes and seeing he not in someone good books had to stand still while that man took control. His eyes gleamed and glinted and there was a snake like hiss inside him and me.. I got the snake hiss I got it that day.
Because one does not do such a deed without the consequence of anger and hatred and eventually shame. Because the pride one feels in ones parents is that they took care of you and made you smart and mine what did he do?
There was I lying on the sand inside this despondent sad state and it was all for no one nothing. A mere dust and there dust nothing but that. I yelled silently.
Bring me back bring it back that is what I ask for if nothing else than to do it again to try again.
I was mere shadow. Did I just die? I did not know back than what death was only animals died. I had become a ghost did not could not speak being speechless. There was a moment when they covered my head wrong thing to do. I still want to breath and speak and breath.
This is when I went and there was this lightness a feeling of wellness. I was super now could float and do anything but in the air. I did not want solidness. I wanted to be swimming on air. The thoughts were too many.
I just had too much going wrong and I did not want to come back. The thing was did want to do something though one or two things still to be done. I wanted to learn how to read and write.
My hand moved as if that was eating me up. I had made the sign of writing. My hand moved someone noticed and the cover from my face was removed. They pushed the chest one last time and there I was moving and running as if nothing much had happened.
"What a posh girl?" Who said that the past the present or the future?
And went and stood still breath normally breath naturally. That was the kindly moment there I just was a flirt. Just a flirt. I am a flirt a floozy. Dad said so. I drive men insane.
That teacher rescued her. Never speak about this daddy said. Sadness gripped me back than and still grips me now.
I am the king of this castle and you are a dirty rascal. Unwashed yes for my sins. I am the great unwashed but so many people roaming this world are the dirty beasts of burden because the other people whom they are related to have got the better of them.
