"You can be whoever you want to be in the West. There are no barriers to achievement. You can be it is the will of the rule."
"Yes do try harder."
"Yes I will I have tried and I have."
"In this Utopian world in this B side what ails the aristocracy that they must beat the poor to a pulp?" I sighed in the dark. Somewhere my mind was there inside this little miserable place. I was as if blinded by the darker side. Could never get out could never crawled out.
"That is why it is so cruel."
"Look there must be something she doesn't do that I can. Not to be interfering."
"Well you are madder than she is?"
"No I think not she is most mad."
"She said when the Hackney was burning she sat outside her door and watched."
"I do not think?"
"Then she added that her buzzer was buzzed and her publisher had to be let in."
"She had been going on and on about painting her silly flat and doing it up and everything then she let it go and got bored and told a different version."
"Well what else did she say?"
"That her son had become a doctor and that he had been several years in China and that he had got a Chinese girl. And that they had come and slept on her floor."
"Why she say that for?"
"I do not know."
"There must have been some truth?"
"I think not. Because the thing was she repeated the exact stories over and over again as if she was working on her novel."
"Then what she say?"
"Well she said she had a operation and she was working on her novel?"
"It must have been because she had a internal head bleed and had to be resuscitated and then she said..."
"I do not think she said much else I hang up."
"In her character I did not speak to her ever again. Did not phone her or ask her opinion she was just a cow I thought."
"Just working she must be,"
"Why she working with me and not paying me for?"
"She is hard up."
"Mum you haven't been listening she is a published author and she has nothing to gain by speaking to me. But my point of view of things. She just is a fool. She made me look a fool. Always and she hates me to boot. Always said I should not be a writer because I was a bad one."
"She seems to be always dainty with her food."
"She loves cruelty."
"For heaven's sake she doesn't." Said B.
"She is a doctor why should she be a cruel woman?" asked Z. In a impressive glowering manner. The way she looked was like a boy who had his wife dismissed as a woman of imperfections.
The argument got heated and then the B side came over the flip side. The side where this Utopia is to do with the rich egging the families to become over heated. Then offering them the sick pay the sick leave to talk it over. The job offers had not come.
I was stuck in there with them looking after that shitty café. I was stuck forever draining board in hand doing the jobs which those two did not want.
My siblings so soft and kind and good. Look they said it is not right to speak to people behind their backs.
"Yes." Said mother, "Do not speak to people behind their backs. If you have something to say about them. Speak and spell it out to them. Into their face."
"How mum how can I it is not a equal fight."
"Look do not speak to our mum like that."
Then we came to blows. Z punched me first then B got in and there I was fearing even Christmas.
In this age of free speech when it is free to speak we are all likely to make mistakes. And my mistake had been to bring up my sisters. In some good white collar jobs, They are politically correct do the jokes and they get away with things. They do not have to settle inside the house doing the damnable stuff.
The horrid stuff looking after the elderly and cleaning and always being hard up. Their world is one of plenty and splendid good times. Their mood of behaving good is to come for a visit and whined me up. As a joke they come bringing some flowers for me to plant.
They dislike me to begin with now they hate me and glow red whenever we meet. I should have died not the popular mother, I had outlived my usefulness and that meant I should have died. That this is so ingrained into them that they do not even think it is wrong.
"We have been robbed of our dreams of owning a house for our sons and daughters."
"That is what I was hoping for that is why we kept you on not to better yourself."
Just walk away said my heart.
Just walk out and never return.
But I had been homeless and knew what it was to sleep rough and so did nothing. Allowed the years to slip as if in some sleep the dreadful sleep. The sleep which is life and there is nothing to look forward to but death.
In a semi conscious state as if I had states of mind which was like hypnotised. I was allowed certain rights. But nothing all I had was the right to watch television. The thoughts the feelings were that there was not enough time.
That the only family who came right out and objected to me having no education was my uncle and he died for it. His wife protested but he insisted. The way forward is to give something to her. But you can die.
We are already dead it is the right thing to do. Uncle Fikret was nothing to me I had not set eyes on him ever. But he knew about me He lived in Australia. I mean he was an Aussie I was nothing to be remarked on he said it was the right thing to do.
He died of a heart attack in Cyprus and was buried there. His heart was there he said he wanted to be buried where he had been born.
You see to unpick so many people who had been in and out is hard for me. Most people come and leave a mark it is that. I mean look at Uncle Fikret he let out a scream when he saw me. He knew me as a little girl.
He said how dare they try to murder me. How dare that happen to me. I did not know that was how family should react. He was the only one who reacted in that manner. I had no idea.
It was a family thing no one from his family was inclined to be murdered. Point of view had changed he said. Today in today's society with the social justice system how dare some member try to take another members life?
It was wrong it was trashy and it did not make sense that the whole family just stood by and let it happen. It was nonsense what someone had done.
No amount of charm could undo it.
Families make such sacrifices I sighed but nothing makes sense why did he die soon after? Was it old age was it some kind of a something? Too many people have died of heart attacks in the family it seems to be contagious.
I am not sorry he was an odd man but he appealed to me. His sense was everything spick and span and there was also his two sons add to that a daughter.
His daughter was not much more than my age and she had married her uncle. She lived in London as a married woman of that man called a millionaire. Whom they lived in Grosvenor square. They had the billing address there. Their parties were notorious.
My family such dear people.
The mirror never lies and I cried into that mirror and said it out loud. This unloved this woman so uncared this is now me. I want most in the world is to love someone.
"Oh you little scrubber." Sighed the new male doctor.
"This lady is not one of us." There isn't nothing I can do about that.
"We will speak to you about that."
"You are gay are you not?"
"Gay as what?"
"This lady is not responding to treatment."
"I am in denial then?"
"That is right."
Something got to change.