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The Involuntary Manslaughterer

By JBienvenue All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Horror

The Involuntary Manslaughterer

Harold Rosenbender is what one would call not all quite there. A man who just doesn’t seem right. He started of as an auto-mechanic but that turned sour real fast. He was constantly botching peoples rides, fixing the wrong parts or doing a less then stellar job. One time he left a wrench in the engine and another time put four new tires on a car but didn’t fasten them so they all ended up falling off. After being fired from that job he worked as a janitor for department buildings but this too also became hard for him. 

   He was always being yelled at for not doing a good job, using dirty water to wash clean the floors and constantly forgetting to lock the doors. Stupid yet simple mistakes that just shouldn’t happen. One day he finally snapped, He waited until his supervisor came in when he did he bludgeoned him to death with a stapler from his office. He then killed four other people by stabbing them with a sharp kitchen knife he brought from home. He was always fond of slasher movies thinking a big kitchen knife would do just what he needed it to. 

  He would go on to kill five more people with the knife in some capacity. From then on he was constantly on the run avoiding police capture and jail time. He was connected to other murders but they didn’t have enough evidence to connect him to them. He became known as the Short-Fuse Murderer for his first killing of his boss but he always hated the name. A little after a year he stopped killing for a while to just lay low. 

  A couple months later he decided to start up again. This time he decided to buy a gun to switch his killings up so no one would suspect him since he was known for killing with a knife. One night while in a convenient store he decided to rob the clerk  however in fear or so whatever reason it may have been the store clerk pulled a gun on himself before Harold could kill him. Harold, then in disbelief and uncertainty ran out of the store to avoid any suspicion. As he ran he finally got to an old alleyway. He stopped and thought to himself pondering what he’d just seen. He didn’t understand why the clerk would kill himself like that. 

He then came across a woman in the park, all alone on a bench and clearly vulnerable. He thought to himself, “This is a good way to get back in the swing of things”. He slowly approached the woman and after a few steps she looked up and saw him. He then began walking toward her however just has Harold went for his knife this time which he also had on him the woman pulls a small gun out of her pocket and shoots herself dead. Harold stopped, again horrified and in total disbelief. “I could kind of understand or place some reason for the clerk but the woman too? What the hell is going on?!” 

Harold put his knife back into his pant pocket, shaking his head as he walks on. He goes back to his apartment figuring he’ll call it a night. When he gets into his apartment he notices the commotion going on next door. Tired and just wanting to go to sleep but knowing he can’t with fighting neighbors decides to pay them a visit. Harold knocks on the door a few times and the man of the house comes to answer it. 

“You guys fighting again?” Harold says to him. “Yeah, sorry man she just annoys me sometimes ya know?” He says back. “Can’t say I do, I don’t have an old lady holding me down” Harold says back. “I don’t suppose you could keep it down? I just got home and am on my way to bed” The woman then comes to the door. “Oh I’m sorry Harold are we being to noisy for you? Well stick it up your ass! It’s a free country and we can be as loud as we want to!” The woman says in a vulgar tone. Harold unmoved by the woman’s tone grabs his knife from his pocket and holds it to her throat but she manages to get away and runs back into the house. Harold closes the door behind him and says “Look I was trying to be nice lady but since your gonna give me lip I’ll just quiet you down myself.” He says. 

“Harold..what..what are you doing We’ll be quiet okay? Just don’t do anything crazy!”  the husband says but as he does his wife who now has a gun in her hands shoots herself in the head. “Oh my god! No!!” He screams. Harold goes to stab him but before he can the man grabs his wife’s gun,”I have no reason to live!” and shoots himself dead. Harold looks on once again in disbelief.”What in the hell is going on here?! Why is it that every time I try to kill someone they take their own lives? And why do they all just happen to have guns?” He asks himself these questions and gets an answer from his conscience. “Hey, buddy what’s the matter huh? Can’t get back into the groove of killing? Well don’t you just suck at life? Or should I say death? His conscience says to him laughing hard. Harold just shakes his and holds his head, “shut up! just shut up!! 

He then makes his way back into his apartment but doesn’t bother calling the cops. He tries to get some sleep but he just can’t seem to. His conscience keeps him up all night mocking him and making fun of him for not being able to kill those people. “Rock-a-by Harold tucked in his bed can’t get to sleep cause of shit in his head, It’s okay Harold just close your eyes you can’t get people to reach their demise”Shut up! Shut Up!! Harold yells as his conscious toys with him and sings to him all night. When he wakes up from the little sleep he finally got Harold thinks of an idea, he’ll rob a bank. He hears on the news about a bunch of suicides in the area only to say to himself, “I’d love to take credit for those dead bodies but NOOOOO! They gotta kill themselves before I could even get to em, gahh it’s not fair!”. 

He then decides robbing a bank isn’t for him and he just wants people to recognize him for killings. So Harold goes to his local hardware store for some tools. When he steps in he notices the guy at the counter as one of his former employees who used to give him a hard time at the car repair shop. “Well, well, If it isn’t Good ole Humble Harold how are ya buddy?” Seeing a perfect opportunity to kill someone he doesn’t like Harold pulls out his knife and approaches the man. However just as Harold goes up to the guy at the counter the man gets out his shotgun puts the barrel in his mouth and blows his own brains out. 

Harold now unfazed by the latest odd death before his eyes decides to stay in the store and wait for someone to come in so he can kill them. “God damnit, he thinks to himself. Am I this desperate to kill someone that I’m waiting for them to just pop into a Hardware store?” After  seven minutes he gets sick of waiting and leaves the store. Harold decides maybe he should tell someone so he decides to go to a church for confession. He goes into confessional and sits down. “Forgive me father for I..well I haven’t technically sinned lately but I have in my past” “What do you mean not lately my son?” The priest asks. 

“Well you see father, I won’t lie, I’ve killed people before but I stopped and I tried to do it again recently but every time I try to kill them they commit suicide before I try.” “I see” The priest says. “I’ve heard about these suicides on the news. You wish you could have taken credit for killing them is that it?” “No father you don’t understand I was about to kill all of these people but before I can they pull out guns and kill themselves.” Harold says. “Hmm, that is quite a story and certain and odd way to see one’s self. Well  maybe this is a sign for you not to kill anymore wouldn’t you agree?” The priest asks him.”I guess your right father, I’m going to turn myself in for those murders I committed a few years back. I’m sorry I troubled you.” “It is quite alright my son, may you be forgiven and hopefully find that forgiveness for your ways.” 

Harold then leaves the church ready to turn himself in but not before he notices a woman all alone in a diner across the street. He goes over to the diner and walks in, the woman smiles. “What can I getcha darlin’?” “Just a coffee for now with two sugars.” Harold says. “Sure thing coming right up” she says back. Harold then sips his coffee and looks over at the woman and thinks to himself, “She can’t possibly have a gun behind there can she? This is a diner for goodness sakes” “Maybe I should stop and take those deaths as a sign, maybe the priest was right” His conscience however tells him other wise. “So Harold your gonna let some small obstacles get in your way? Your gonna let a priest talk you down? That’s not the Harold I know. You were born to kill and as soon you realize that the better. Now kill this woman, unless your afraid she’s packin? His conscience laughs. 


Harold then grabs his knife out of his pocket and gets up and goes behind the counter to kill the woman. “Now, don’t do anything hasty you hear?” He says to her. The woman screams and runs into the kitchen. She grabs a kitchen knife and tells him to stay away. “You mean your not going to kill yourself like the rest of them? He asks her. But before she can answer she cuts her own throat and fulls to the floor. Harold now freaked out runs out of the back room and stumbles. He runs and runs for what seems like forever while his conscience continues to mock him. “Are you kidding me?! You couldn’t even kill an innocent diner girl without letting her do herself? You realize you gave her the idea to kill herself don’t you? Even so she still probably would have done it regardless and her own throat at that..woo!” “Shut up! Shut up!” 

Harold then gets to an empty alleyway where he sees what appears to be a bum keeping warm by a burning barrel. Seeing as the man’s back is turned he sees this as his final chance to kill someone. He runs full blast at the man with his knife held high above his head and when he gets to the man he stabs him in the back over and over for a good twenty times. “YES! YES!! I got you, you son of a bitch! I finally killed someone before they could kill themselves! Lets see who you are” He turns over the body and a horrifying shock comes over his face as he sees himself. 

“No..what..this..this can’t be possible..why would I...how could I...” He then looks over at an abandoned car and looks into the reflection in one of the mirrors to see his own knife sticking in his back. He drops to his knees. His conscious says one last thing to him, “I was wrong Harold you did still have it in ya to kill someone.  His conscious laughs hysterically as Harold falls to the ground.

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