Anastasia

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Ketamine


December 26, 2000

Hey Damienka, I know its only been a couple days, And I know that you’re probably still pissed at me. I would be if I were you. I miss you so much already. I will never ever forget you, and I know, you’ll always be looking down on me and Ana. The doctors' said you died quickly, so I hope that means you didn’t feel any pain. I love you, and I always will. xoxo.

Ana looked up to her mother, who was still passed out in the front seat. A single tear rolled down her cheek, as she continued on.


December 27 2000

Hey Damienka, Ana looked at me today, and I could’ve sworn it was you. Looking up at me through her beautiful green eyes. Your parents brought her to me finally. For the first time since the accident. I think they blame me for your death. They wouldn’t even look at me. I can't blame them, it is my fault. I’m so sorry, I’ll never stop being sorry. I wish you were here to hold my hand.

They keep sticking me with needles. I’m okay though, well physically I mean... I don’t think I’ll ever be truly, 100 percent okay again. But they got me on ketamine, so physically, I’m good. You don’t need to worry, because I’m not in pain anymore. I owe you that assurance, if nothing else.

“Ketamine?”

Ana mumbled in a barely audible tone. “Ketamine like...” Ana looked at the tablets sitting in Nadia’s suitcase. With her mouth gaping, she flung her head back. Ultimately, putting two and two together.


December 30 2000

Hey Damienka, the doctors' said this morning, that I only need one more surgery until I can take Ana home. I wish so badly, that we could take her home together.

Ana read on and on. Gathering as much information, as her brain could hold.


March 30 2001

I feel rotten, I’m a terrible, terrible person. I don’t know how to stop Damienka. It's a rush I never wanna loose, but I keep spending money we don’t have. I hate to admit it, but I feel like I love the ketamine more than... no, not more than... but, at least as much as I do Ana. I hate myself for even thinking that, Ana’s an extension of you, she basically is you, and I love her, I do, but, I can’t stop, I just, can’t.

In that moment, Ana began to sob. She couldn’t tell which was more powerful, the rage, or the sorrow. Though nevertheless, she knew damn well, that both were swirling around in her mind, brewing like a storm. How could she say something like that, how dare she?


March 31 2001

I’m so sorry Damienka, please make it stop, please. A demon came to me last night. He had brown hair, and the most distinctive, Ice cold, blue eyes, that shift to red out of nowhere. He told me that... It was my fault. He said it over, and over, he wouldn’t stop. It's like he was taunting me. He wanted to take her, he wanted to punish me for killing you. He told me that he was going to come back tomorrow, and drag Ana to hell. She’s only a baby, please what do I do. I can't lose her too, she’s the only part of you I have left.


April 1 2001

I made a deal with the devil today, Damienka. I’m so scared, I wish you were here. He told me that if I wanted to save her, if I didn’t want her to get hurt. I would need to sacrifice a child for every year she lives. My own child. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I have to protect her. I need to protect her like I couldn’t protect you.


April 2 2001

I’m so sorry Damienka, I had to do it. I won’t ever truly love another man. I promise. The sex is just sex, and that’s all, I swear. I had to go to that bar, because I have to get pregnant. There’s no other way. I’m so, so sorry. I love you and I always, always will.


January 2 2002

I had to give birth by myself today. In the living room, on our rug. It was horrible. I feel numb, and cold. It was twins, he told me... I had to give them both up.

It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I tried to do it as quick and painless as possible. The only thing I could think of, that I would be able to live with, was suffocation.

I killed those babies, and I buried them in the garden. He told me I had to, it was the only way. I hope you can understand. I hope I can forgive myself one day, because this guilt is eating me alive.

They were shaking when they were born. Probably because of the drugs. I’m such a shitty person. And if the guilt wasn’t enough, he was standing over me the entire time, just, singing this morbid song, over, and over, and over.

It's been playing in my head on repeat ever since. I can’t turn it off. I can’t shut off the noise. Its haunting.

Ana traced the clear drops of dried tears, where they had fallen onto the pages. She had been crying when she wrote this. The overwhelming emotions, had been building with each word Ana read. The song, that’s why she sang, the song.

When Nadia began to stir awake, Ana buried the book, and the pills back where she found them. After zipping the suitcase back up, and tossing it to the ground. Ana shut her eyes uncomfortably tight, resting her head on the glacial window, once more.

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