Get Free Copy

100 free copies left

This novel is limited to 100 free copies due to its part in Inkitt’s Novel Contest.

Free copy left
You can read our best books
Kenn Brody would love your feedback! Got a few minutes to write a review?
Write a Review

Barb LaFang

By Kenn Brody All Rights Reserved ©

Fantasy / Horror

Barb LaFang

I later found out her name was Barbara LaFang. I met her last week in, well you know, one of those bars. Business had been great and I wanted to celebrate. Honest, I had only a couple of drinks when she walked by my table.

Besides, I hadn’t been dead very long.

The bar was dim, the drinks watered down, and the thing they called a Martini tasted like piss and turpentine.  What do you expect in Hell?

I was a Plaintiff’s Attorney, and there are plenty of uses for that kind of thing down here.  Not that you ever got justice, that is not a quality of these spaces, but in twenty-five years of practice as a tort lawyer, the differences weren’t that much.

It was uncanny how she tracked me down through the crowd like a hound dog on a scent.  She was old, frail, and dowdy, in a long gray skirt and a white, starched blouse that came up to her skinny neck with a lace accent.  I made a bet she was once a county tax collector that loved to foreclose on the family farms.  She carried a clipboard.  In that bar she stood out like a sore thumb.

“Louis Grinot, I believe.  I am LaFang.  Please call me Barb.  You will now have your official survey interview.”  She sat down, prim as a matron in a whorehouse.

“Ms. LaFang, I’m already working as an attorney.”

“We have an excess of those, Mr. Grinot.  There are more demanding jobs available.  And LaFang is my occupational title, not my name.”  She pulled out a large ballpoint pen with a plastic devil’s tail attached.  “This is my ‘fang’, Mr. Grinot, and I prefer red ink.  Now, please sign this form.”

The form said, “Infernal Revenant Selection, form 999 - this form will take no more than ten drops of blood, per Section 666 (i) (2)”.

I was used to that, at least.  At the bottom was her stamp, Barbara LaFang.  I had heard rumors.

“Mr. Grinot, did you steal and sell your sister’s coin collection to pay for a drug party for your friends?  Please answer, “Own Up”, or “Deny”.”

“What?  I deny!  I would never do a thing like that!”

She flipped to a back page.  “October 2, 1984 at 4:30 PM.  Subject Grinot took the coin collection from his sister, Jeanine, age 9, after promising to invest it and bring back more coins, especially a 1909 VDB penny that she wanted.  Subject promptly delivered it to a pawnshop for 60% of its value.  Subject then purchased ten bags of sensimilla marijuana and four grams of cocaine from a street vendor known as Jocko.  Do you recognize this now, Mr. Grinot?”

I have been famous for my hard-hitting courtroom cross-examinations that make a saint look like a common criminal.  I was known as the lawyer that could make Attila the Hun cry at a deposition.  This woman had me completely outclassed.

“Own up or deny, Mr. Grinot,” she repeated, in exactly the previous tone, with that slight downward curl of contempt on her bloodless lips. 

“Where are you getting this information?”  I temporized.

“From the Akashic Records, of course.  We are very thorough at the IRS.  Own up or Deny, Mr. Grinot?”

“Own up, own up.  Big deal.  I was just a kid.  Let’s get this over with.”

“Subject seduced opponents’ secretary and promised to marry her, in order to get information prior to a trial.  She committed suicide a year later.  Own up or Deny, Mr.  Grinot?”  She pointed that damned devil’s tail pen at me, and I swear I could feel my heart contract, and I would break out in a guilty sweat.

It got worse. 

I was no different from any other tort lawyer.  We invested a lot in a case, and a big loss would have put us out of business.  Sure, I had things I would rather not have done.  Doesn’t everybody?

Time is funny down here.  Things seem to take forever, and things that take forever seem to be over rather quickly.  The interview was of the former variety.  But it was, finally, over, the faint Martini buzz long gone, and my expensive blue suit (I had been hit by a taxi while crossing the street after a trial), was now a soaked rag.  The bar was empty, the chairs put up and we were still at the same table, alone.

“What now?”  I managed.

LaFang tallied and compiled a few numbers.  She looked up and down several pages, thumbed through a thick, dog-eared pamphlet, and finally spoke up.

“Mr. Grinot, you are not suitable for the lower levels of management here.  You are not prone to violence, did not steal souls, murder, or kidnap children.  You are simply a weak character with a stunted sense of ethics.  As such, you will not gain much advancement here in Hell.  The best you can do is to be my direct assistant, under my direct supervision, in Infernal Revenant Selection.  This will be your assignment.  You start immediately.”

Eternity under the thumb of this bloodless harpy?  I couldn’t even think of it.  So I did what I had to do.

I wrapped my hands around her skinny neck and strangled her.  It took a while.  She never struggled, but I swear I saw her lips form two words, “Thank you”.

Someone came and took the carcass away.  Apparently that kind of thing happens in Hell.  What, you think you can go to hell and get the gift of indestructibility?  And don’t ask where they go from here.  I can’t tell you.

My new official badge reads, “Louis LaFang”. 

“Thank you.”  What did she mean by that?

Write a Review Did you enjoy my story? Please let me know what you think by leaving a review! Thanks, Kenn Brody
Continue Reading
Further Recommendations

mrh: I love this story soooo much! This is such an incredible twist on Harry Potter's story. I have loved every word of it. I hope you will write more soon! I want to know what happens next sooo bad! Please write more!

Barbara Ponder: This book is aimed at teenagers, however the style and content caught my attention and it is a long time since I was a teenager. Intriguing and enlightening novel I hope there will be a sequel soon.

Toria Danielle: I must congratulate Erin Swan on completing such a beautiful work. The Rising Sun is well rounded and leaves nothing to be wanted. ALL of the characters and their development are beautifully written. The plot is extremely well thought out. Creating a whole different type of universe is difficult ...

Felisa Yoder Osburn: I really enjoyed the story. Civil War stories are some of my favorites and the intertwining of the past with current times was wonderful. I look forward to reading the next stories.

skippybash12: This story has engaging characters that you care about and a plot that is unpredictable and exciting. It is well written with a believable voice. Great weekend escape and if there was a sequel available I would buy it today -

ernbelle: When I first started this story I was a little unsettled by all of the information that appears in the prologue, and wasn't sure if I would continue. However, I am very glad I did. The plot was very well thought out and really interesting. There were not any page breaks or markers to acknowledge ...

Alice Liu: Whoa! I've been wondering how would the Maurauders react to Harry's life and here we go! YOU ARE THE BEST! All the characters are consistent with their personalities shown in the book! I love how you compare Lily with Molly and it's definitely true for her being a mother! I wish Peter comes have ...

Warchief: The biggest problem with the Harry Potter series is that it's all from his point of view. So we never really get to see or understand events from other peoples perspective. I think that they would be more than a few people that want to know what happened at Hogwarts during that last year.As far a...

Lacey Schmidt: The Trouble with Super is that you can't stop reading it. Mr. Barrett's characters are all to easy to relate to even if you don't have a super quirk of your own, and their plight is both heart-rendingly funny and heart-warmingly sad at the same time. It's a bit like Office Space meets the Matri...

More Recommendations

Elizabeth Miller: Fabulous book! I loved how it was unpredictable and not the stereotypical vampire book! The characters and plot was very well thought out. I couldn't put it down. I can' wait for the next one!

Olivia N J Hamel: I want this book. I love it so much. It is so enjoyable to read and to have a copy of this always, I would be very happy, to always be able to come back and look at it again.

Nymeria: Really can't get enough of this story. It flows well, it captivates the reader from page 1, and throws you into such a well-written, well conceptualized world that you'll believe it's real. Everything in the book is meshed together really well. From character backgrounds to plot twists, you can t...

This story wasn't for you ?
Look at our most viral stories!

FreakyPoet: "you made me laugh, made me cry, both are hard to do. I spent most of the night reading your story, captivated. This is why you get full stars from me. Thanks for the great story!"

The Cyneweard

Sara Joy Bailey: "Full of depth and life. The plot was thrilling. The author's style flows naturally and the reader can easily slip into the pages of the story. Very well done."

This story wasn't for you ?
Look at our most viral story!

Ro-Ange Olson: "Loved it and couldn't put it down. I really hope there is a sequel. Well written and the plot really moves forward."