In the beginning the creator made the planets the universe and all that was held dear. In the event of his boredom however he created Raft. The physical embodiment of blundering and trivial activities. Mortals of the worlds call him the god of misfortune. To others he is simply Raft.
Raft sat upon his stone chair high up in the mountains. He was unsure of what planet he came to visit but the creator told him it was earth. Unsure why he would be sent to earth he looked about his surroundings attempting to read the spiritual lay lines of the earth if it had any. He was able to deduct from a timeline perspective he was living some billion years after the birth of this planet. 4.5 billion to be exact. Shrugging and rolling his shoulders he leaned back in his chair atop a very high mountain letting the cold air sting his lungs. It was then he felt the sundering of something indomitable happening.
Not a passing of a small raisin, but a loaf of bread ready to splatter the ground and wreak havoc on the earth. Knowing his time of judgment has come for visiting this world he punched a hole into his make shift chair, pulled his trousers down and sat upon his throne ready to release his demons.
“Oh lord why have you forsaken me?” Raft cried out to the heavens as began to drop the kids off at the pool. Taking the browns to the super bowl. Pinching a loaf. Releasing the chocolate hostage. But it was to no prevail. The lack of fiber on the last planet he visited would be his downfall. There the yearly shit was a ceremony that would take a week. On this planet, however the human body was not designed for such obscurities.
The howling wind matched the painful groans of Raft high upon the mountain. The sound however traveled far to the mountain base where curious onlookers witnessed a shadowy figure atop the mountain.
“Papa! What is that?” cried a boy as his father picked him up and ran through the medieval village towards the small chapel.
“Armageddon is upon us my faithful come to the church only god may save us now!” A man in a white robes called out while bashing people over the head with his holy book as they entered his church. “Repent or suffer the dire curse of gods holy wrath!” he finished waving his book around in a frantic state.
Back atop the mountain Raft was also preparing for the apocalypse, through his rectum however. His howls and groans echoed off the mountaintops and caused might avalanches in nearby snowy mountains. The mountain below him began to tremble and the sky itself grew louder as the wind prepared for the worst. The sky darkened and clouds emerged over the mountain as if in preparation to weep for the lives to be lost. This was it the apocalypse. There was no escape. The village at the base of the mountain all huddled in the church hoping for the judgment to pass over them.
It happened so quickly. As the elements, themselves begin to tremble at the might of this god Raft. His very bowels in pain, the sensation of relief began to pass. Raft quenched and squeezed and pushed. The winds howling louder and the very earth shaking beneath his feet. Clenching his fist Raft’s eyes shot out a brilliant blue glow and a blue laser shot out of his mouth. He pointed it up to the sky letting tis light dance upon the dark clouds.
The villagers gathered around in the chapel watched in admiration as the figure upon the mountain shooting a blue light into the sky wondering if he was the herald of doom. Raft continued in this manner. Pushing and grunting with all his might. He was determined. He was prepared for this moment. He knew this had to be the time. And with one final squeeze he shot it out. It splatted with the lightest sound. As a feather falling to a fresh fallen snow. Grimacing the weather subsided and the earth returned to its unmovable state. Clouds dissipating and blue light show gone.
“No…that cant be all” Raft began as he stood up and stared at a small chocolate raisin in the small bowl he made in his stone throne.
“Nooooooooooo!!!!!!” He cried at as he fell to his knees tears of anguish and peril befalling his state of mind. Below the village began to cheer as they assumed they survived the apocalypse. The priest bashing people over their heads with his book hoping to calm them down.
For this was just the beginning of an adventure. This was Raft and he was ready for Earth weather its inhabitants were ready or not. It would just be Raft’s undoing were he be unable to find paper or cloth to wipe the exterminates form his bowels. Fortunately there were a bountiful of rocks.
((TO BE CONTNUED))
Stay tuned for ACT II where Raft meets up with some warmogs!!
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