Pranks, Pajamas and Pretty Bad Puns

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Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels

“So that’s all you have to do,” Archer said, pushing up his glasses. He looked so cute.

“Uh-huh,” I sighed, dreamily.

It was the last period before lunch. Derek had persuaded me to go to detention and it passed by really slowly. It was so dirty and horrible in there and I’m pretty sure there was a used condom lying on one of the spare tables.

Like what the hell?

“So, you’ll do it?” he asked.

“Uh-huh,” I sighed again.

“You can’t back out of this now,”


“Okay, thanks Charlotte!” Archer smiled at me before leaving the room.

“Do you know what you just signed up for?” Alyssa asked from beside me.

“Nope,” I stated, simply, thinking about how cute Archer one day.

“Well, in that case, let me tell you,”

“Uh-huh. Go on,” I said, daydreaming.

“You just signed up to leading the whole of senior year on a forest trip tomorrow,”

That snapped me back to reality. “What!?”



“I hate it when people tell you they’re going to the toilet. Like I don’t need you to tell me if you’re going to toilet or not. I am happy without knowing the statement in my life and yo- Ah! I need to go to the toilet. Can I go?” I droned on.

It was bow lunchtime and me and Connor were standing in the lunch queue.

“What would you like?” The dinner lady snapped at me.

“What is there today?”


“Oh. In that case, I’ll have an apple,”

She scowled before handing over a bruised apple to me.

Well, excuse you.

Connor grabbed his food and we walked over to our table.

I saw Jackson and the others sitting at their table at the back. Our table was a few tables behind theirs.

I walked silently past their table. I almost made it until Connor came up behind me and scared me.


“GAH!” I shrieked, resulting in me dropping my apple on someone’s head.

It all happened so quickly.

I shook my head to see a fuming Jackson, again.

I looked at his ears to see is the earwax was still there.

It wasn’t.

“You cleaned out your ears? Why don’t you clean out your vocabulary as well,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. I slapped a hand over my mouth.

This just made Jackson even angrier.

He clenched his fists and looked at me. He stood up and glowered at me.

I felt small.

Wait, I already am.

I feel very small.

“Sorry,” I whispered and ran to get another apple.

I came to the dinner lady again.

“Please can I have an apple please?”

“Sure,” she glared at me.

I took the apple and went over to our table. I almost passed Jackson’s table again but the screeching sound of a chair made me jump in fright.

I jumped up and let go of the apple. It fell in someone’s head.

I shut my eyes quickly before opening them very slowly.

I saw a bull.

Or a human representation of a bull.

Or just a really mad, angry, vexed Jackson.

“I’ll...get another apple!” I said, quickly before rushing off.

I reached the dinner lady again.

“Can I have an apple please?” I smiled at her.

The lady looked up and scowled. She got an apple and slammed it into my hand.


I took and walked back to our table. I almost made it past Jackson’s table when a phone went off.

I jumped up and the apple fell out of my hand.

It landed on someone’s head.

I looked up to see-

“I’ll get another ap-!”

“Oh no you won’t! You little bitch!” He hissed, grabbing my arm. I tried to pull it out of his grip but he was too strong.

“Fine! I’ll get an orange then,” I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

“No,” he growled.

“A pear?”


“A banana?”

“No,” he growled again, gripping onto my arm even harder. There’d probably be a mark tomorrow.

“Okay, just a teeny weeny grape,” I said with pleading eyes.

“Fine,” he gritted out through clenched teeth.

I smiled as he let go of me. I rushed to the dinner lady again. “Can I have one single grape?”

The dinner lady glared up at me before picking a red grape and dropping it in my palm.

I smiled at her before rushing to our table. I went extra slow so I wouldn’t hot Jackson again. But seriously, how much harm can a tiny grape do?

The sound of Connor burping made my jump as the grape flicked out of my hand. It hit Jackson right in the eyeball.

Shit, that must hurt.

Don’t underestimate grapes.

Jackson jumped up and looked around the cafeteria. When his eyes landed on me he gave a death glare my way. He started taking long strides towards me.

I walked over to him and punched him square in the jaw and wiped his blood on Sandra’s eyebrows.

Okay, not really. Instead, I just ran.

I jumped over a table and headed for the doors. I hard fort steps following me.


What if he cuts off my head and feeds it to a cactus?

Definitely going to stay away from cactuses.

I halted in my steps and stroked my non-existent beard.“You know, I still don’t know if the plural of cactus is cacti or cactuses,”

Wait, what was I doing again?

You were running away from Jackson who is currently deciding if he should pickle you or stuff you.

Definitely pickle. Pickles are soooooooo good.

“BITCH!” Jackson screamed from behind me.

I saw the library at the other end of the corridor. Taking large steps, I opened the library door and slammed it shut.

I heard a groan from behind me. I turned around to see Jackson’s face squashed on the library door.

Did I just shut the door on his face?

Yeah, you d-

Shut up! Stop controlling me!

I’m you, I’m not controlling you.

Uh-huh, and I’m Ariana Grande.

You can’t sing.

I’ll tell you, in the shower my voice sounds like a-

Whale having sex on an elevator

Please, having sex on an elevator is wrong on so many levels!

You’re stupid puns won’t get you anywhere in life.

Oh but you’re advice will?

I’m part of you. The sane part of your brain.


“BITCH!” Jackson’s voice snapped my out from my furious argument in my head.

Oh mother of fries, please let me make it out of here alive.

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