Pranks, Pajamas and Pretty Bad Puns

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Is he starring in a Nike advert?

I’m alive.

I’m actually alive.

I survived the whole day without meeting cactus humper.

Do you know how amazing this feels? Like I should reward myself with something.

Like a doughnut.

Like a sweet, sprinkly, heavenly doughnut.

This is the time in life when I actually feel happy to have taste buds.

I stroll down the street towards my brother’s flat. I have this permanent smile plastered onto my face and I can’t get it off. And my mood feels unusually high-spirited today. Maybe it’s because I narrowly escaped the death clutches of Satan himself?

Maybe it’s because I’ve become an independent woman now?

Maybe it’s because I have grown out of my immaturity?

Suddenly, a rock hit my head and I halted in my steps. I turned around and starting yelling profanities at the poor thirteen year old boy who was vigorously licking an ice c ream at ultra fast speed.

Slow down there boy...

“Could you not?! You half brained bulldozer!” I snapped at him.

Okay, definitely not outgrown my immaturity.

The guy looked up and scanned me from head to toe with a smirk forming on his lips.

“Hey there, se-”

“Don’t finish that statement of you want to reach home alive today,” I smiled at him.

His smirk disappeared almost immediately and a frown caressed his weird shaped eyebrows.

I mean, I don’t shape my eyebrows but they are so much more on fleek than this guy’s Nike shaped eyebrows.

Is he starring in a Nike advert?

“You look like a lost puppy going bark,” he stated.

“What!? Puppies don’t go bark! They go woof!”

“No, it’s definitely bark,”

“No way! Puppies are not parts of a tree! They go woof!”

“Bark!”

“Woof!”

“Bark!”

“Woof!

“Bark!”

“Woof!”

“Bar-”

The annoying teen is interrupted by a sleek black limo pulling up at Caleb’s apartment.

Does that mean –?

Yikes! My step mother and her whorish daughter are coming over for a family dinner aren’t they?

“Uh- got to go, bye!” I soda quickly before sprinting towards my house.

Let me tell you something.

Brittany, my step sister is basically the definition of perfect. She has luxurious long legs. Beautiful blonde hair. Electrifying eyebrows and a killer smile.

One look at her and all the boys flock and all the girls suddenly turn lesbians.

And meanwhile, I just sit back here looking like the crust that falls off your foot.

I reached the apartment to see two pretty ladies exiting the limo.

My step mother and my step sister.

Both worse than the crust that falls off your feet.

Blah.

I entered the apartment and rushed towards Caleb’s block. I rang the doorbell a number of times until Caleb opened the door as I rammed inside the room.

“Hey Char-ow!” He yelped as I rushed past him. I ran into my room and locked the door.

I sprinted towards the closet and looked over the few dresses I have.

There was a bright neon yellow dress that burned the backside of my eyeballs.

Definitely not wearing that.

Another bright pink dress with flowers around the pubic area.

Not that.

I rolled my eyes and slumped into some grey sweatpants and sweatshirt.

I’m not bothered to impress them.

They’re just the crust that you find on the back of your feet, right?

Then why do I care what Stephanie, my step mum or Brittany, my step sister thinks of me?

I’m just a normal person.

Yep, as normal as can be.

I walked through wards the door before tripping on absolutely nothing, plummeting my nose in the cold hard ground.

I got up and brushed myself off. “Totally normal,” I reminded myself before stepping out of the room and headed towards the living room.

I stopped in my steps when I saw the two foot flakes entering the house.

My dad an Travis followed shortly after.

I stepped into the room and everyone’s eyes were on me.

“Caleb! I see you’ve even hired a maid!” My step mother, Stephanie said, eyeing my weird attire.

Well, I so happen to think I look like a sexy kitten in this.

“Sorry, but that’s Charlotte,” Caleb pointed out.

Her mouth turned into a weed shape I couldn’t decipher. “Charlotte? You mean that good for nothing low life you call a sister?” Brittany stepped in.

Damn, she looks pretty.

“Hi,” I said awkwardly.

“Let’s take a seat,” Madeline interrupted, changing the subject. I gave her a thankful look. She smiled in return.

Once we were all seated, Brittany started talking. “Maman! Je déteste les boulettes de viande! Ils sont comme la pire nourriture jamais! Je ne vais pas le manger!”

She hates meatballs?

What kind of foot crust is she?

Yeah, I know French. And German. And Spanish.

“You better eat zis, darling,” Stephanie replied to her daughter in a thick French accent.

“Fine, muzzer,” she grumbled.

“Charlotte ’as become zo fat now,” Stephanie said. I shot my head towards her. “Ze should be skinny as a stick, uzzerwise no boys vill vant ’er,”

I clenched my fists to hold in my anger.

“I know right. What a lame kid,” Brittany snorted, examining her nails.

“We’re the same age!” I blurted out.

“So what?”

“Ass,” I muttered under my breath.

I swear, this girl was worse than Sandra.

“Charlotte, you cannot eat for a veek! Zo ar’ becoming to fat!”

No eating?

No eating??

No eating!?!?

“WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? DOES IT MATTER WHAT MY BODY SHAPE IS? I DON’T SEE A PROBLEM WITH BEING A LITTLE FAT!” I burst out before I could stop myself. Everyone stared at me with disbelief clear in their eyes.

Uh-oh.

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