Pranks, Pajamas and Pretty Bad Puns

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I can wipe off 90% of that 'beauty' with a wet Kleenex

Should I compliment Freya?

Nah.

Should I tell Sandra that there’s toilet paper hanging out of her pants?

Nah.

Should I complete that maths assignment that’s due for this afternoon?

Nah.

Procrastinating is my talent. Whether it’s to clean the laundry or buy more condoms for my stinky ass brother, I procrastinate. But the real question here is:

Should I really be listening to whatever Mr Jenkins, the headmaster is saying right now?

Nah.

“...whatever you like in these three days,” Mr Jenkins trailed off. My head shot up faster than that vein on Jackson’s forehead.

“Whatever we like?” I repeated after him, awestruck.

“Yes, until Friday,” he answered. A smile broke out on my face.

“Did you guys just hear that?” I asked, everyone quizzically. They all nodded at me. “This is awesome! So I can duck tape a teacher and fling them out of the window?”

Mr Jenkins faltered a little before nodding.

“Promise?”

“Promise,”

“Cross your heart and hope to die?”

“Cross my heart and hope to die,”

“Stick a needle in your eye?”

“Uh.....yeah...” he faltered.

“WOOOOHOOOOOOOO!” I screamed, jumping on the nearest desk. “Suck my non-existent dick, motherfuckers!”

“Er-Charlot-”

“Take that, you freaking rhinoceros!” I screamed, hitting the nearest guy in the face with a period pad. The guy grabbed my wrist and flung it off and walked off muttering something like ‘dumb bastards these days’.

“THIS IS AWESOME, I COULD KILL MR REYNOLDS, AND GET AWAY WITH IT!”

“Not really. You can’t do anything against the law,” a familiar voice said. I whizzed around to see a smirking Mr Reynolds. “If you need me to translate that into bullshit, just ask,” he smiled.

Ass.

“Freaking retarded whale,” I murmured under my breath. And then the truth dawned on me. “You lied! You freaking cushion!” I said, pointing at Mr Jenkins.

“How?” He asked, confused.

“You said I could fling a teacher out of the window,” I frowned. “Which is against the rules,”

“Uh...yeah...”

“Now you gotta stick a needle in your eye, you used tampon!”

“Miss Ridgewood, stop being a pain in the ass and please leave so we can get on with our lives. Which you would obviously not know about because you don’t seem to have one,” Mr Reynolds said.

“Drink my period blood, you hippo!”

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Okay, the school is literally bat shit crazy.

There are students super glueing classroom doors together and there’s a booby trap every step you take.

Just last period, I saw my locker was full of tampons.

Hopefully, that red stuff isn’t what I think it is.

“Speak of the slut and she shall appear,” a voice snickered behind me. I snapped my locker shut and turned to come face to face with none other than my evil step sister Brittany.

Did I mention that Dad enrolled her into this school for a whole goddamn month?

Well, I’m telling you now.

“Whose funeral is it?” She smirked, scornfully eyeing my all black outfit.

“Not sure yet,” I pondered, looking around the room.

“Just cause we have the same dad doesn’t mean you have to go all ape shit crazy on me,” she hissed.

“Same goes to you,” I said.

“You’ll never have the beauty I have,” she mocked, making the girls around her laugh.

Bitch, I can wipe off 90% of that beauty with a wet Kleenex.

Agreed.

Haha! We agree on something for once!

Okay.

I rolled my eyes at myself before turning back to Brittany.

“Bitch!” She hissed.

“I’m not a mirror!”

That probably triggered her because she stomped her foot in rage and stormed off.

I shrugged and went back to my locker. A shriek escaped my lips as a bucket of raw egg mixture pelted down on me. I turned to look at a smirking Brittany.

“Happy Pranks day,” she grinned.


Okay.

It’s really late at night and I’m still on the search for spreadable butter.

What?

I like my sandwiches all fattening and yummy.

I shivered from the cold and wrapped my arms around myself to preserve the heat in my body. I am alone, once again and I’m pretty sure that gang of men are staring right in my direction. I see a Walmart just behind them with a poster.

‘50% off all spreadable butter’

My eyes widen in happiness and now all I have to do pass these hungry looking men to buy butter. My eyes flicker to the men who are all staring at at me with a ravenous expression on their faces. I flicker my eyes away from them.

Don’t look at them!

They’ll probably think you’re interested in one them!

Think! Think! How to get past a bunch of creepos way past midnight?

And then an idea hit me.

I picked up my phone and put it to my ear. If I walk past them talking to nobody but it’ll appear as if I’m talking to somebody.

Geddit?

Thought you wouldn’t.

I placed the phone to my ear and walked in the direction of Walmart. I could feel the men’s eyes on me.

Okay, time to start a conversation with no one.

“Hey...er...”Think of a name! A really scary name that’ll put them off me forever! “Big Barry!”

Huh, not bad. The men were rather intently looking at me now. Okay start convo.

“How’s it going bro?” I said. Say something scary! “Remember when you flicked that guy with a pencil!”

The men continued to stare at me.

“Oh, he died? Pour soul. Hope that pencil rots in jail,” I said, quickly.

This wasn’t helping because they still had their eyes on me. “You’re here? In Walmart? To pick me up?”

This didn’t faze them.

Okay, think of something gruesome. “Bro! I have this really heavy period right now! It’s all mucky and thick and disgusting. It’s gone all bright red and it’s really hard to fart cause the blood is blocking up my pooping system,” I rant out.

This helps because I see the men cringe.

I’m almost past them. “Remember your scary pet Patrick the...” Think of an animal! “...the ladybug! Remember how it killed Mr Reynolds! I’ll never see him again!” I said.

Suddenly, Mr Reynolds walks past is whistling a tune with his briefcase in her hand. He looks up and does a little wave before walking off.

“Er...and then he came back to life!” I say quickly before they work out my lie.

I brush past them and as soon as I’m about 100 metres away from them I sprint to Walmart.

Phew.

Saved, once again.

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