Pranks, Pajamas and Pretty Bad Puns

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I'm emotionally constipated. I haven't given a shit in days

Mmmmm. Sprinkles and icing all luxuriously lathered onto a ring of pastry. Gleaming and shiny, it’s calling your name. Just one bite and you’re in food heaven. Paradise.

You know that moment of utter bliss when you bite into your favourite food?

Yeah?

That’s me, right now. Skipping along the road with a pink, sparkly donut in my hand and a smile so wide that it covers the horizon.

Only one problem, though.

I frickin’ missed my motherducking bus. Stupid bakery. Stupid donut.

Did I just insult my donut?

I am such a savage. Take that, donut! Don’t mess with me. *flicks hair but ends up slapping cheek*

Donut: shut up bîtch. Hurry up and eat me.

Um..nuh-uh! Imma savour you for the whole bus ride.

Donut: Fvck life.

Bitch.

“Are you talking to a....donut?” Leo Parkinson asked me. As he jogged by my side.

You know those annoying f*ckers who annoy the crap out of you?

Yeah, legit definition of Leo Parkinson.

“No,” I dead panned.

“Okay,” he said, slowly.

“Okay,”

“Okay,”

“Okay,”

Beep! Beep! Beep!

The sound of the bus jogged us out of our awkward situation. At least I didn’t burst into a Melanie Martinez song.

Wait, if I did, would it make Leo fück off? Cause he annoys the shit out of me.

“Let’s go, Charles Dickens,” he said, wavering a hand at me.

“Ok, Leonardo Da Vinci,”


Okay. So you know the time when you’re crazy out of breath trying to catch a bus and the whole bus population look at you like some creep?

Yeah, that’s kinda me and Leo right now.

“Aargh..wait ufff! Wai uff!” I called as I hopped on the bus pulled Leo by the collar. I got out my bus ticket out if my wallet.

Only thing is that I don’t have a wallet. And I don’t have a bus ticket. “AAAARRGHH! WHY IS MY LIFE SO MESSED UP!?” I yell.

If panting like a perverted hooligan didn’t attract enough attention, then the move I pulled off definitely did.

“I’ll pay for you,” Leo whispers in my ear. I thank him by engulfing him in a bear hug. I them took a seat with my beautiful donut carefully placed in my hands.

“So you know the girl, Ruby, in my class, right?” Leo asks as he takes a seat next to me.

“Max and Ruby,” I sing, remembering the TV show. “Ruby and Max,”

“SHUT UP!” The passengers on the bus snarl at me.

“Geez. Calm your tits,” I say. I turned around and saw two guys staring back at me. One guy was happy and the other was giving me a dirty look.

Logan gave me a wave as Jackson was probably churning up a way to kill me. Maybe rip out my eyelashes and hang me from my eyelids? Or maybe cut off her hair and stick it to her feet.

Urghh.

Maybe he wants to paint his room with my blood?

I shook my head and listened to the people in front of us.

“Hey mom. I’m pregnant,” a 15 year old girl said. Sheesh. That’s straightforward.

“If a boy touches your boobs say ‘don’t’ and if he touches your pussy say ‘stop’,” her mom replied. I gave a weird look to Leo. He mirrored my reaction.

“But mom, he touched both so I said ‘don’t stop’” the girl replied. My eyes opened wide as I slumped even further in my chair.

I looked at my beautiful donut and licked my lips. Suddenly, the doors opened and an old lady came on the bus. She looked weak and was barely able to stand. An elderly man came afterwards. I looked around the bus and saw that all the seats had been taken up.

“You can take my seat,” I said, smiling at her. The old lady smiled back and took the seat. It always brightens up my day when you do something for others.

“Bless you,” the old lady croaked and took the seat.

“You can have my seat,” Leo said to the elderly man. He looked at him and gave a weak smile. Leo got up and joined me. “You’re too kind,” Leo said, brushing a hand through his hair.

“Meh,”

All of a sudden, the bus came to a halt. A bunch of teenagers hustled out, pushed me out of their way. My donut slipped from my grip.

“NOOOOO!” I yelled, as the donut splattered on someone’s face. I peeked from the corner of my eye to see a Jackson’s face burning with anger and glowing red ears.

I just splattered my donut on Jackson’s face.

Gingerly, I gave a nervous smile. “Sorry,”

And then I ran out of the bus.


“Charlie, you’re home early,” my dad called out. I dumped my bag on the floor and flopped onto the sofa.

“Yeah, my teacher told me to have a nice day, so I came home,” I said, my voice muffled because I planted my face in the depths of the sofa. He didn’t need to know that I smothered a murder’s face with my donut and ran of the bus and ran all the way home.

“Right...anyway, Caleb called today,” he said. I shot up and looked at him.

“He did?”

“Yep, he wants you to come over to his place and stay for a few weeks,”

If you didn’t know, Caleb was my brother who got married last year and currently lives with his wife. They rented an apartment and apparently they have weird neighbours.

“Oh, okay. So when should I go?” I asked my dad.

“You can pack your things today and go tomorrow. I’ll give you the address,”

I nodded and went to my room and plopped onto my bed. I took out my phone and started texting Caleb.

Charlotte: Hey buttface, I’m coming over tomorrow. Be prepared.

Caleb: Okay Charles Darwin.

Charlotte: Isn’t it Charles Dickens?

Caleb: Yep.

Charlotte: Okay

Caleb: Okay

Charlotte: Bye buttface

Caleb: C ya L8er

I hate it when people type like that.

Charlotte: Yeah, bye :)

I huffed and got up. I should have a shower. I got up but suddenly, I slipped on the dress that was lying on the floor.

POOF!

I rubbed my eyes and found myself, lying on the floor like a creep.

UGH.

One day, I will grow out of my clumsiness.

One day...

Pfffft.

Who am I kidding?

I’ll be clumsy forever.

“You look constipated,” Travis, my other older brother, said as he looked down at me.

“I’m emotionally constipated. I haven’t given a shit in days,” I muttered. I looked up and my eyes widened in realisation. “TRAVIS!”

I got up and engulfed him in a bear hug. My brother, Travis, only came to visit rarely. He had a job which he never really talked about. Maybe he’s a stripper. Oh my god. What if he’s a stripper?

“Hey, Travis, are you a stripper? Cause that would make so much more sense!” I blabbered on. Travis gave me a smirk, which must mean...

“OH MY GOD! TRAVIS, YOU’RE A STRIPPER! Makes soooooooooo much more sense,”

“Shush!”

Suddenly, dad ran into the room. “Who’s a stripper?!” he asked, holding a fry spatula in one hand and a chef’s hat on his head.

“Oh, no one dad. I said shipper,” I said, smiling weirdly.

“Why do you need a shipper? What are you shipping?”

Condoms.

“Just donuts. Yummy donuts from...er...” I trailed off thinking of a place.

“Afghanistan!” Travis interrupted.

“Yeah! We want to ship donuts from Afghanistan to here. Yeah...” I said, giving dad my best fake smile ever.

Dad narrowed his eyes at me as sweat trickled down my forehead. I widened my smile and he scrutinized me.

“Alright then. How are you Travis?” Dad greeted him. I swiped my hand across my forehead. Phew! That was close!

“I’m good dad,”

“Good boy, son. Alright see you later then,”

“Yeah...bye...”

When dad walked out of the room me and Travis sighed in relief.

“Phew! That was close!” Travis said.

Exactly what I said.

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