Pranks, Pajamas and Pretty Bad Puns

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The only way I'd find you attractive was if I swallowed a magnet

“Oooooooo, who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” I sang, under my breath as I pushed the shopping trolley along. My brother called me a fatass and forced me to go to Walmart to buy some groceries and stuff like that.

I grumbled as I entered the pad and tampon aisle. I pushed the trolley and scanned through the products.

You know that horrible feeling when you’re buying pads and tampons and literally everyone is looking at you. And you’re just like ‘boy, I’m a girl. And this girl sheds blood every month to know that she ain’t frickin’ pregnant.′

Yeah. that’s kinda what’s happening to me right now. Like every movement I take, I’m being monitored by people who are just staring at me.

I shuffled awkwardly and picked up a packet of pads.

Huh, who knew I was buying over priced pieces of cotton.

Well, it does help absorb all the blood-

Hey! Is that Derek? Oh my god it is Derek! Wait, why is Derek in the pad and tampon aisle? Is that-?

Err Merr Gerrrd. Derek, Ethan and Logan are all standing a few meters away browsing the range of blood absorbing products.

I stifled back my laughter. Maybe it’s for Jackson. I mean he must be on his man period all day, every day, cause I’m sure no one can stay that mad and bitchy 24/7.

Not even Mr Reynolds. And that guy really needs to chill.

Like literally. He can give the best death glares.

But my grandma’s better.

“That isn’t absorbent enough,” Derek sighed, brushing a hand through his luxurious locks.

I wish I had pretty hair. Actually...I wish I had a unicorn. With rainbow coloured hair and white teeth. And all it eats is cacti.

Well, the remaining cacti that Jackson hasn’t humped yet.

I got it! Jackson must be such a prick because his...dingaling...is covered in pricks because all he does is hump them.

Stop it! You’re always going off topic!

Whatever. Why do you pop up in every situation, anyway?

I’m your conscious.

Haha. Yeah, and I’m Ariana Grande.

Bruh, you can’t sing! Remember the last time you sang, dad called pest control cause he thought a rodent was dying.

Pfffft. What? I was born to sing!

Yeah, right, bitch.

“Who you calling a bitch, huh?”

Derek, Ethan and Logan turned to look at me. Fudge cake! Did I say that out loud?

My face dropped. I looked away to pretend I didn’t see them. Yeah, I totally didn’t see three of the baddest boys at school buying tampons.

I whistled quietly as I pushed the trolley in the opposite direction. I looked over my shoulder and saw they were still looking at me.

Fudge nuggets!

I quickened my pace and looked around me. The people were giving me weird looks.

Do you have a problem?

“Excuse me?” The lady I was staring at said.

Oh god, did I say that out loud... again?

“Sorry,” I muttered under my breath before I whisked away.

Dammit! Why is this aisle so long? I don’t remember it being so long when I was buying pads! And why in the name of cacti is this trolley so slow?

I looked down and saw that the trolley was full of men’s toiletries. My eyes widened.

This wasn’t my trolley! It was...theirs!

I looked back and saw Derek and Ethan staring at me as Logan munched on a Hershey’s bar.

I’m hungry.

That’s not relevant right now, dammit!

I wonder what Travis is doing right now. Maybe he’s stripping. Ha. If dad finds out he’s so screwed.

I shook my head to get out of my weird thoughts and looked back at the guys.

I moved closer to them and smiled sheepishly.

“I guess this is yours,”

They all nodded. I stared at them as I reached out to grab my trolley.

Derek pushed my hand away as Ethan pulled the trolley from my reach and Logan shook his head.

“Oh, you can’t have this,” Logan smirked. “Until we’ve seen what you’re buying,”

I groaned. They’re gonna find out about the Peppa Pig magazine I buy every week. Oh and the mini cactus I picked up.

I thought you were gonna stay away from cacti.

Yeah, but cacti can’t stay away from me.

That makes no sense.

Oh yeah? And your face makes no sense.

That means your face makes no sense because you’re me and I’m basically you.

I will murder you and chop off your n-

“Extra absorbent pads,” Derek read out, smiling maliciously. “Soft and comfortable for a good nights sleep,”

“Oh! And look at this!” Logan said. “The Peppa Pig Magazine. Limited Edition. Buy now while stocks last?!”

I smiled nervously. I attempted to walk away but Derek grabbed me and pulled me back.

“Oh, you’re not going anywhere,” Derek smirked.

Uh oh.

Somehow, I know, I’m not going to get out of here alive.


“You want me to help you guys buy a present for...Jackson?” I asked, my eyes wide open in bewilderment.

“Yup,” Logan said.

We were all in the school basement on a Saturday afternoon! Isn’t it illegal to go to school when you’re not supposed to?

It should be illegal.

“It has be to serious,” Derek added.

“Your face is serious,” I shot back, not really knowing what stuff just came out of my mouth.

“I try,” Derek shrugged.

I frowned. Why did they ask me to help them buy a present for Jackson? Doesn’t that psycho guy want to kill me?

“Hey, how did I escape Iraq?” I blurted out.

Silence.

“Iran. Get it? I ran. Iran?”

Silence.

“Why did Cinderella get kicked off the basketball team?”

Still silence.

“She ran away from the ball!”

The awkward silence filled the air.

“You guys should go buy a sense of humour off eBay,” I snorted.

Silence.

“Yeah...” I trailed off.

Silence.

Okay, the silence was pissing me off now.

Suddenly a noise came from the other side of the basement door. We all froze and looked at each other.

“Quick! Behind the sofa!” Derek whisper-yelled.

“Who are you to tell me what to do? I am an independent young woman who can take care of herself. I can tend to my own matters and I don’t back out of anyth- OMG! JACKSON’S OPENING THE DOOR!” I squealed in panic and all the guys face palmed. I pushed myself behind the sofa as the door opened.

I peeked around the couch. Jackson had entered with a gun in his hand. He was wearing a navy blue t-shirt and low waisted jeans.

Hold up a second.

Is he holding a...gun?

Oh my frickin’ nipples.

I think I left the rhubarb pie in the oven. Oh well, not my fault if the whole apartment blows up.

Jackson turned on the lights and groaned. “Fucking Logan and his fucking fetish for socks,” Jackson groaned as he pinched his nose and flung a dirty sock across the room where it landed in a dusty corner. “Fucking assholes,” he muttered.

Logan has a fetish for socks. Imagine if he sleeps in a bed full of socks. Imagine if he bathes with socks. Imagine if he jumps socks. Ew. Ew. Ew. That’s disgusting. Take that disturbing mental image out of my mind.

“Such a waste,” Jackson grumbled.

Oh no. I felt it coming. It’s coming! Wait! “When little girl go into their mothers face! When little girls are learning how to cut and paste! And pucker up their lips until they suff-”

I stopped. Mainly because Derek, Logan and Ethan were full on glaring at me as Jackson was punching holes through my soul with his soul ripping glare.

Basically everyone in the room was glaring at me.

“Hi?”

And then I took the run for it.

Why is it me that Jackson always wants to kill?

What have I done wrong?

Well, for starters, you spilt milk and cookies on him, then you smashed a donut on his face. Oh, and not to mention you covered him in rotten pie and right now you basica-

Not you too! Shut up!

“Bye!” I said, under my breath as I charged for the door. But to no avail. Jackson reached out and grabbed me slamming me onto the nearby wall. My head crashes on the hard surface and I rubbed the back of my head to refrain any bruises from occurring.

Jackson lifted me of the ground by my collar and glared at me with those scary eyes.

“You won’t get away this time, you little bitch!” He hissed.

Okay, don’t panic.

I panicked.

Okay, quick hurry, think of a pun. Any pun. A pun that’ll take his mind off murdering me this instant.

“eBay is pretty useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches,” I laughed, nervously as his hot breath fanned my face. His breathing was rough and he bore through me with his electric green eyes.

“I want to fucking kill you right here. Right now.” he growled. He sounded like a werewolf. Imagine if he was a werewolf. Oh my god, what if he is a werewolf?

“Hey, Jackson, are you sure you’re not a werewolf?” I asked, sheepishly, scratching the back of my neck.

He gave me a death glare. If looks could kill, my dad would be digging my grave by now. At least now, I definitely know he’s not a werewolf.

“Don’t kill me! Please! I want to die when I’m a wrinkly old lady, thrashing little kids at the park with my walking stick, dying of laughter from a yo momma joke!”

Okay, that kinda triggered him.

“Wait!” Logan said from behind the sofa.

So now they decide to help?

“Don’t hurt her! She’s so cute and innocent and adorable!” Logan said, rushing towards my side.

I gave Logan a warm smile. He is the only kind one here.

“Yeah, she’s so....cool?” Derek added, not knowing what to say. “And she finds me attractive,” he smirked.

Bruh, the only way I’d find you attractive is if I swallowed a magnet.

Ethan just smiled at me.

Huh, that guy really can’t talk.

“This fucking bitch right ducking over here has got to fucking die cause she’s fucking up my fucking life with her fucking presence!”

Woah, he must like to fück.

Fück cacti.

Okay, I’ll stop now. Heheheheh.

Jackson dropped me. I fell to the ground. It took a few seconds to regain my posture.

“Thanks for having me. Now...er...BUH-BYE!” I yelled as I ran for the door.

Lucky escape number four.

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