Pranks, Pajamas and Pretty Bad Puns

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I would make a joke about sodium, but Na...

You know that moment when the person next to you keeps blabbering on about something totally random and you’re not listening to a word they’re saying?

Yeah? Well, that’s kinda me right now.

There’s two minutes until Chemistry starts and I’m sitting down in my seat while Sandra is going in about the pet unicorn her dad is going to buy her next week. I mean, I couldn’t care less about a stinking unicorn that she going to receive.

I have nothing against unicorns though.

Unicorns are life.

The door flung open and two familiar figures walked in. Mr Reynolds walked in with his usual attire, making him look like a buffoon. Jackson followed him shortly after, his eyes holding darkness and mysteriousness.

That’s not a word.

Uh-huh. I care soooo much....

Anyway, his eyes were literally a forest.

Scary.

“Mr Anderson, please take a seat next to Charlotte,” Mr Reynolds grinned, evilly.

Farthole.

Jackson rolled his eyes but obeyed Mr Reynolds. He scanned the classroom before his eyes landed on mine. His lips curved a little into what people call a ‘smirk’.

I looked away, quickly.

He walked over to me and took a seat on the empty side of me. Great, now I was in between Sandra and Lemonass.

“Hi Lemonass!” I chirped, happily. He looked at me with a deadpan look.

“Don’t call me that,” he growled.

“Alright. Then I guess I shall call you Esteban Julio Ricardo Montoya de la Rosa Ramírez,” I smiled.

He furrowed his eyebrows, which I think he plucks, and looked at me weirdly.

“Do you pluck your eyebrows? Cause your eyebrows looked plucked Like if they’re natural why do your eyebrows looked like they’re plucked? I want to have eyebrows like yours. Can’t you just rip them off your face and give it to me?” I said in one breath. He rolled his eyes again and looked away.

“Yeah, keep rolling your eyes. Maybe one day you’ll find a brain back there,” I muttered under my breath. I’m sure Jackson caught because of the death glare he threw my way.

“Today is going to be the best day of your life!” Mr Reynolds shouted from the front of the classroom.

“Are you giving us a free period?!” Someone called out.

“Are you giving out free chocolate?!” Another voice called out.

“Are you giving out free tampons?I’m saving up for next month,” I said. Everyone looked at me with an expressionless face. Awkward silence filled the air.

“Are you giving out lives? Cause I seriously need a life, man,” A voice said.

“Even better,” Mr Reynolds grinned.

Oh no.

“We’re having a quiz!” He smirked.

The class groaned in frustrations with a few yippee’ from the crowd.

“Noooooooo!” I whined, sliding into the floor, holding my hands out in front of me like a maniac. “Why me?! Nooooooo! I don’t wanna die!”

“Shut up,” Jackson hissed.

“Make me,”

“You little bit-”

“No swearing in my class, Mr Anderson. No one swears here,” Mr Reynolds said as I got up. My pinkie toe hit the edge of the desk and I let out a series of curse words.

“Fuck. Shit. Fuckedy fuck. Shitty shit shit shit shit!”

“Sorry. I mean, the humans here don’t swear,” Mr Reynolds coughed out.

I narrowed my eyes at my stupid excuse of a Chemistry teacher.

“Anywho. Let’s get on with the test,”


“Miss Ridgewood, tell us something about the element sodium in the periodic table,” Mr Reynolds said. I lifted my head off the table and rubbed my eyes.

“It’s too early, mom,” I whined.

Then I remember I don’t exactly have a real mom.

And then I realised I wasn’t at home.

I was in a frickin’ Chemistry lab.

“I would make a joke about sodium but Na...” I trailed off. “Pun intended,” I added at the end.

“Err....okay....”


“What the hell am I doing?” I asked myself out loud. I was in Home Economics and I was currently poking a green thing with a sharp thing.

“You’re stabbing a watermelon with a knife,” Jamie, the nerdy guy in my Chemistry class who also happens to be in my Home Economics class as well, said.

“Whatever. Now what am I doing?” I said, picking up a weird looked piece of cutlery.

“You’re burning a fork,”

“Whatever. What’s this?” I says holding up an object.

“That,” Jamie said. “Is an egg on fire,”

“Oh, cool. An egg on fire....wait...WHAT?!” I said. I squinted my eyes and saw the egg on fire.

Huh, I’ll never be the cook my father is.

“Aaaaaaaaah!” I panicked, flapping my arms around quicker than flappy bird. “I’m gonna die. I don’t wanna die. Who’s gonna feed my cactus for me?”

“You never fail to amuse me, Charlotte Ridgewood,” Jamie stated, before covering me and the flaming egg in fire extinguisher.

And then I died.


“Why am I not dead?” I asked, rubbing my forehead.

“Because the only injury you got from the egg incident is a minute paper cut,” Caleb, my older brother, stated.

“I got a paper cut?! Do you not see how close to death I am? What if my finger gets infected by alien blood and it travels all the way down to my brain and I turn into a rampaging she-demon?!”

“That’s already happened then,” Caleb said, grinning.

“Donkey hole,”

“Anyway. I have some things I need you to buy. I made a shopping list for you,” Caleb said handing over a piece of scrimped paper into my hand.

“Okay, fatass. I’ll be back soon. Bub-bye!”

And with that I left my brother’s apartment.

And then I died.

Haha! Just kidding!

I went to the local corner shop to buy whatever Caleb had put on that list.

And then I died.

(Not really)


I want a doughnut.

Like right now.

I want to marry Luke Hemmings.

Like right now.

I want to kick Jackson’s butt.

Like right now.

I don’t want to buy a condom for my brother.

Like right now.

I had one last thing on the shopping list. And guess what they were.

Condoms?

Yup.

And now I’m stuck in the condom aisle trying to find a condom for my brother so he doesn’t pass on his STD to his beloved wife.

Like, what size is his dingaling?

Ewwwwwwwww, I’m never thinking about that again.

I picked up a box and read it.

Compax.

Huh, kinda like Tampax but Compax cause they’re condoms not tampons.

Suddenly, a figure walked into the aisle. I whipped my head around this come face to face with Jackson Anderson.

His gaze flocked to the box I was holding. His eyes widened for a second before going back to normal. He narrowed his eyes at me and walked off.

Oh no!

Now he thinks I was was buying them for myself.

Well, for the person doing it with me.

But there’s no one doing it with me.

Jackson Anderson thinks I’m going to have sex.

Ewwwwwwwwwwww.

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