HeavyLight: Chapter 13
I’ve never really rated myself on the scale of being a good criminal. I’m not sure if there is one for that matter. I do know that it’s the only job I really could do other than feline proctologist which strangely enough was a field recommended by my Grandpa. But I’m not going to spend the rest of my days sticking my fingers in cat anuses. So this is the best job I could think of. But at the same time, I’m not sure if I really chose the best ways to be a criminal. Some crooks murder dudes in back alleys and others hold up convenience stores. But I was choosing to exhibit my skills as a criminal by stealing back my car from the impound.
So I was riding shotgun with our getaway driver to the Government own facility where my car had been taken in. The drive was a few hours, so by the time we had gotten to the place, it was already getting dark. The sun was dipping behind the mountains in the distance, leaving a crimson stain across the sky. I really wanted to say something poetic somewhere in this story and that’s where I chose to leave one.
Anyway, I was busy complaining to Roger as we were riding up the road towards the facility. “We could have gotten here like 2 hours ago but no; you had to stop and buy some socks.” I complained.
“You know how important my socks are to me. Don’t you be hating, bro.” Roger replied.
“Yes, I am familiar with your affiliation with socks, but why did you chose to buy them at the strip club? A better question is why did they decide to start selling socks at the strip club?! Those are both questions I’d like an answer to.” I said.
Roger shrugged. “It’s a business structure that works. Hardworking American men can come in, throw crumpled up dollar bills at scantily clad women and then purchase a pair of socks from the Bar. It works though; did you see how many people were there? They must be making a killing off those socks.” He noted.
“I don’t think they were in there just because they sold socks. Either way, we were stuck in there for like an hour because Kevin didn’t want to leave. He wasn’t even there for the Dancers; he was in the corner hitting on some girl who was there because her boyfriend had dragged her there. Then when he decided he wanted to leave, the Male dancers came out, and Lacey wanted to stay and make fun of them. That lasted another hour. Then when we finally got back on the road, we got caught up in traffic because there was another gay pride parade up the road congesting the flow of automobiles in and out of the city.” I complained.
“There’s no need to complain, we’re here.” he said as he drove into the parking lot of the building. It was a decent sized building, about two stories tall, box shaped, and having those square tinted windows that government buildings normally have. Behind the building was a perimeter of fences surrounding a yard of used cars. The sign in front said “Cincinnati Impound.” There were a variety of other government owned buildings around the perimeter that didn’t have names, so it just added to the ambiguous dullness of the place.
Roger was looking for a place to park. “Let’s not park in front. Drive around to the back; we’re gonna hop the fence.” I said.
He nodded and kept going, driving around the facility. He parked next to a concrete building around back with no windows and a backdoor that was illuminated by a single overhead light. I got out first, stepping onto the grassy area next to the sidewalk. Then I walked around to the back where I opened up the door. “Alright, let’s get rolling.” I said. No Face Lacey and Kevin Strokehard were in the back, playing patty cake. They stopped in mid-song and turned to look at me.
After a moment of awkward silence where nobody moved, I raised my eyebrow. “Guys? You going?” I asked.
They both nodded and dispersed, stepping out of the van and taking their place in front of me on the grass. “Sorry dude, but if you leave me locked in the back of a van for several hours, you should know that I gotta break the ice and kill some time.” Kevin said.
“And you kill the time by...playing patty cake?” I asked.
“What’s wrong with patty cake? It’s a classic.” Lacey argued.
I suddenly had the urge to punch both of them in the face. But my distaste subsided as I walked around to Roger who was just slightly more sane. “Hey, we’re going to jump the fence and sneak around. Be ready by the back gate of the perimeter in case things go south for the winter.” I said.
“I think you just mean “if things go south. You don’t need to include the ‘for winter’ part unless you are talking about birds.” he replied.
I ignored him and walked towards Kevin and Lacey who were still standing there, glancing around at the sights. The dropping sun was causing the shadows to grow, making the Yard in which the cars were all lined up neatly together in rows engulfed in a flood of darkness. Man, I should have been a poet.
“Alright guys, we’re going to get in there, snoop around, try and find my car, and then we’ll drive away in it. Sound like a plan?” I asked.
Kevin had his face pressed against the chain-linked fence. “Dude there’s a lot of cars in there. It’s like a used car lot but in reverse. You can only buy the car you own already.” He said.
“Yep. And it’s got more security than a car lot. Check it out; they’ve got guards.” Lacey said, pointing out a building at the other side of the perimeter. Several men dressed in black clothing were stepping out of an open door, flashlights in hand. Some guy who must have been in charge was giving them details on what to do during their shift but I couldn’t hear them.
“Alright, well, like I said; let’s do this sneakily then.” I said.
“Why would guards be patrolling an impound though? Are there people literally breaking in to steal cars?” he asked.
“...Kevin?” I asked.
He pulled his face away from the fence to look at me. “Yeah?” he asked.
“...That’s what we’re doing. Like right now.” I said.
Kevin thought about it for a moment. “Oh...alright...I guess people are literally breaking in to steal cars.” he murmured.
I glanced around, trying to see if I could locate my car somewhere among the rows of other automobiles. Unfortunately the descending darkness made it difficult to distinguish cars from each other, so we would have to get in there and search around. But at the same time, we needed to look out for patrolling security guards. “So...what are we looking for? What does your car look like?” Lacey asked.
“Yeah, is it a Toyota, or a Honda? Maybe a Chevrolet?” Kevin asked.
“Look for a white car that’s covered in duct tape and has seran wrap pulled over the front to substitute for a windshield.” I said.
They seemed to get it at that point. “Alright. So what’s the best way to get over this fence?” I inquired.
Lacey lit up. “I have an a....a....ah...” She then turned her head and sneezed so hard that it blew Kevin’s baseball cap off. He covered his head, gasped and went straight to the ground in an effort to grab the cap before anybody saw his greasy black hair, which we had. Lacey wiped her nose with the side of her switchblade and sniffed once.
“Uh...Lacey? Did you have something you wanted to say?” I asked.
“Yeah...we don’t have to jump the fence...we can just cut through it. I’ve done this before; back when I used to wait until midnight to sneak into old peoples’ houses and beat them over the head with a bag full of crabapples. Watch and enjoy.” She said, getting down on her knees in front of the fence.
I thought she was going to cut through it using her switchblade. I mean, she had one at least. Or maybe some pliers like a normal person. She didn’t use either of those. No, she used her teeth. She put her face up against the chain links and began to gnaw like a deranged gopher. The inner dentist and fatherly figure inside me wanted to stop her and tell her that that was bad for her teeth, but I kinda wanted her to figure it out on her own. However, I was surprised to find out that it was actually working; her teeth were breaking through the metallic links like safety scissors.
After a minute or two of gnawing, she managed to cut a hole in the fence large enough for us to slip through. Then she smiled smugly up at me, though I kinda wish she hadn’t because now I could see how beat up her teeth were as a result. “...Alright...everybody inside.” I whispered. Kevin stepped through the gap, then Lacey, then me. We found ourselves inside the facility, trespassing on government owned property. Even though this job didn’t really have a “Payout,” it was still pretty high risk. I spotted a few security cameras lining the buildings a bit up the rows. We were out of their line of sight at the time but we needed to be covered when we wandered into their peripheral.
“Alright, guys, I brought the masks. You should put them on.” I said, pulling out the JFK and the Reagan mask and tossing them to my henchman.
They both quickly slipped them on their face. Kevin slipped the Reagan over his head and muttered “smells like plastic in here...”
“Funny; Angry Steve said that same thing when he first put on his mask...” I noted. Then I put on my Richard Nixon mask. We were officially in theft mode.
“Alright, let’s split up. I’ll go north, Lacey, you go west and Kevin, you go east.” I whispered.
“Wait, what do we do if one of us locates the car?” Kevin asked.
I wasn’t sure; I hadn’t considered that. “I guess whoever finds the car should get in, hotwire it, drive away. While the guards are freaking out about a car that’s suddenly come to life and is leaving the facility, the other two can escape. How about that?” I explained.
“...I...don’t know how to hotwire a car...” Kevin said. I was actually surprised; you would think with the amount of free time a guy like Kevin gets between college classes, he would spend that time learning something useful and not just doing shots and hitting on underage women.
“Alright well, Kevin, if you find the car first, make like a bird noise or something. Like loud enough for me to hear you and come over but inconspicuous enough so that the guards just think it’s a normal bird. I’ll come over as soon but at the same time as quietly as I can.” I said.
As usual, Kevin agreed to the idea without any extra thought put into the lack of my own personal thinking in that plan. So we all huddled together, placed our hands on top of each other, and then simultaneously whispered “Go crime!” before breaking away.
So I began sneaking around cars, looking out for mine in particular. I could see the bobbing lights in the distance as the guards began to wander down the path, checking each and every dark space between the evenly spaced cars. I figured I’d have to locate it fast or risk getting beaten by a big guy in a suit. As I was creeping along, I could hear a soft crunching noise. I glanced around, trying to quickly locate the source so I could shut it down. Then I glanced down at my feet, which were stepping on the soft gravel of the ground.
So I put a finger to my lips and whispered “shh...”
I thought that would shut them up, but as I continued to walk, they kept making the crunching noise. My feet piss me off sometimes.
So I kept going, making my way around cars while keeping an eye on the silhouettes of guards. Now, it shouldn’t be that hard to find a car covered in duct tape, but for some reason I guess they throw all the really weird cars into one compound, making it harder to pick out the oddball from the ground. I found a rust-box Jalopy, a delorean, a stutter baker, and even a double decker bus, straight out of Liverpool. But my precious automobile was eluding me.
So I was glancing over the hood of an ice cream truck, trying to see what the guards were doing. There was one coming my way, holding his stupid little flashlight perpendicular to his body so that the bright white light was shining down the path, hurting my eyes a bit. It was at the moment that I decided I needed to stop looking at him before he saw me, so I quickly ducked behind the hood and made my way to the other side of the ice truck, turning the corner just as the security guard passed by.
But now I was in another lane, and there was a security guard at the other end of the path about to turn and begin walking down it. Fearing he would spot me, I ran and ended up in another dark space between cars. Sweat was beginning to form on my face, even though it was pretty chilly out. “...At this rate...I won’t find it before morning...” I muttered.
Someone behind me was making frantic mumbling noises. “Hey, quiet, you’re gonna alert the guards.” I whispered sharply. But whoever it was still continued on, making frightened yet muffled noises.
I turned around and whispered “I said-” and stopped when I saw that I was face to face with a guard. At first I thought I was caught, but when I saw the pure terror in his eyes, I was confused for a moment. Then I saw that someone had wrapped a white piece of cloth around his mouth so that his muffled cries for help were muted. Not just that, but his wrists and ankles were both bound by a white cloth as well. Then I saw the shadow behind him, carefully but forcefully tying the knot to the cloth wrapped around his mouth. And that shadow was wearing a JFK mask.
“Lacey! What are you doing!?” I whispered angrily.
She kept tying the knot. “Stealth isn’t really my style. I’m doing this heist my way.” She grunted.
“Lacey...we can’t just tie up the guards. It’ll take too much time and we don’t have enough white pieces of cloth. On top of that, it just seems kinda weird.” I pointed out.
“Whatever...I’m not going to untie him if that’s what you want though.” She noted.
“Then...just knock him out or something.” I said.
The security guard began to flail and fight against his restraints. Lacey grabbed both sides of his face and slammed her forehead into his, knocking him out instantly. Then she rubbed her forehead softly. “Ow...I haven’t done that in a while...” She murmured.
Suddenly, I heard the sound of someone going “Caw! Caw! Caw!!” On the other side of the facility. I glanced up over the hood of the car we were next to and tried to locate the source of the sound. Whoever was making it kept on going. After a while, he was just making random bird noises. “Caw! Who! Cockadoodle doo!” He shouted.
It was at that point that I realized that it was Kevin Strokehard. A sense of panic suddenly arose in me as I realized that that idiot was going to get us caught. But then I heard one of the guards nearby angrily mutter “stupid birds. Someone oughta shut that one up...” Aside from that, nobody seemed to raise any alarm to it.
I turned to Lacey who was busy rifling through the pockets of the knocked out guard. “That’s Kevin over there. He’s probably found my car. Let’s get over there before one of the guards decide to seek out the source of those awful bird calls.” I whispered. Lacey seemed to agree, so we left the guy in the shadow of the car and headed under the guise of darkness over to where Kevin was. It was difficult to do so though; I was crouching and sneaking along, while Lacey, who just didn’t enjoy stealth as much, was upright and following from behind without any attempt to quiet her footsteps.
I glanced over my shoulder at her and angrily whispered “Lacey! Get down! We’re trying to keep out of sight!”
She shrugged. “It’s okay. I’m wearing all black; it’ll keep me hidden.” She said.
I would have pointed out to her than her bright white arms and the middle section of her legs were exposed, meaning you could see them from pretty far away, but at that point, I could see the red of Kevin’s baseball cap peaking over the hood of a golf cart that’s been sawed in half. So I reached up, grabbed her by the ear, and pulled her back down under cover. She let out a verbal murmur of complaint and I dragged her across the row after a guard passes by.
We found ourselves in the space between the goft cart and my car. The moon glittered off of the shiny beige hood and the duct tape race car stripes were looking just as fancy as the day I installed them. Kevin was there squatting by the door with a disfigured paper clip, trying to pick the lock. His stupid tongue was sticking partly out of his mouth as his concentration grew ever so intense with each passing moment. His beady little eyes wandered over to us and he muttered “There you guys are. Any of you know how to pick a lock?”
“Uh...Kevin...the...you know what? How about I show you.” I said standing up and walked over to the door. I grabbed the saran wrap covering the space where the driver side window used to be and then gently pulled it out, tossing it aside where it calmly floated down to the ground. Then I reached inside and pulled the little knob that unlocks the door. As I was opening the now unlocked door, Kevin was kneeling there, staring up at me in total awe.
“Dude...how did you do that? You like turn that window into plastic! That must be like some kind of ancient ninja technique or something...” he said.
“Kevin...there weren’t windows to begin with. I thought I told you already that the window spaces were replaced with saran wrap.” I said as I scooched into the driver’s seat. Kevin stood there, dumbstruck as his feeble mind raced to contemplate what I just said. Lacey, on the other hand, slid over the hood and opened up the door to the passenger side of the car. Once she had firmly planted her butt in the seat, she punched out the saran wrap window on her side.
“Alright, let’s get this show on the highway! Or wait...is it the avenue? How does that old saying go?” she asked.
Smoke began to pour out of Kevin’s ears as his hard drive overloaded. He scratched the side of his head in thought. “Dude...I’m gonna need some time to figure this stuff out ...” He muttered. He then opened up the car and took a seat behind me, closing the door and punching out the window like Lacey had.
“Why...why do you guys keep punching out the windows?” I asked.
Lacey shrugged. “Because we can. Anyway, let’s get hotwiring.” she said. I nodded, getting to the act of old fashion automobile hacking. I kneed the underside of the panel that contains the car’s wiring, causing the covering to fall off. Tossing it outside, I went back down and grabbed a couple of random wires from underneath. In the darkness, I couldn’t quite see a difference in colors.
“Hey...you guys got a lighter or something?” I whispered.
“Pfft...who carries a lighter anymore?” Kevin Strokehard asked.
“Wow...you and Steve are not that different. How about you, Lacey? Got anything I can use to provide some light?” I asked.
She reached into the breast pocket of her vest and pulled out an old fashion match box. She then popped it open and extracted a long stick with a red tip. She rubbed the end against the dashboard and it lit up like a miniature torch. Then she handed it to me. “A...match, huh? A little bit primitive but...I guess it’ll work...” So in one hand I held the match upright and in the other I was grabbing at the wires. Finding that it would be more profitable to use both hands, I put the non-burning in the end of my mouth and used both hands to pull apart cables, exposing the copper innards.
At that point I got a bit lost. Hotwiring is more of Dougman’s set skill; I only have a very basic knowledge of how to wire a car. So I wasn’t sure what wire to cross with what. “Uh...Lacey...what wires do I cross?” I muttered through gritted teeth, trying to keep the match from falling out.
She gave me another one of her trademark shrugs. “I dunno, let me ask that guy, he might know.” Before I can stop her, she leaned her head out the window and called out to the nearest security guard. “Hey, you!” She shouted.
He turned and shined his light on her. “What do ya want?! Can’t you see I’m out looking for trespassers?” he asked.
“Don’t worry, this’ll only take a second. When you’re hotwiring a car, what wires do you cross?” She asked.
“Uh, it varies from model to model, but I’m pretty sure for that particular car, you cross the blue and green wire.” He said.
“Thanks.” She said before turning her smiling face over to me. “It’s the green and blue wire.” She said.
At that point, the gears in the security guard’s big head began to spin, and he quickly caught on to what was wrong in this situation. “Hold on...I think...you guys...are trespassers...” He said.
“No, we’re not. We’re security guards too!” Lacey assured him.
“Really? Well then where’s your badge?” The guy asked, getting angrier as he got closer to closing the case.
“Uh...left it at home?” Lacey said.
There was a pause, and then the guard shouted “Intruders! We got a 4-35-code pink over here!”
I saw more bouncing lights as a couple of other security guards ran over towards us. As the situation began to quickly rise in seriousness, I frantically searched for a blue and a green wire. I grabbed two of them, smacking the severed ends together as my hands shook with fear. Little bits of lightning jumped between the ends and lights lit up across the dashboard as the engines roared to life. I glanced up as more and more security guards were angrily shouting, pointing their flashlights at us. “Come on, ketchup stain! We gotta go!!!” Kevin shouted in my freaking ear.
After tossing the lit match out of the open window, I grabbed the steering wheel with both hands and stamped the gas with my foot. The wheels squealed as I peeled out, and for a second I could see the look of terror in the guards’ face as they had to jump out of the way in order to avoid getting run over. I rapidly turn the wheel, causing the entire thing to turn sharply and nearly tip over. Once I had gotten the car facing down the lane, I hit the gas pedal and rode the Johnny Long through the gates of freedom!
...I never thought I’d actually say that. But I just did.
Basically, I drove the car through the gates. I mean, right through them; like I tore them off their freaking posts. Everybody outside the car was freaking out, sirens were wailing, and I could hear the clattering of metal as a large chunk of the fence was being carried with us during the escape. It flew off and we left it in the dust as we sailed down the road, successfully making off with our car. No Face Lacey stuck her head out the window and gave the facility a full on middle finger as it faded into the distance. “Take that, government contract!” She shouted.
Kevin pulled off the mask and slicked his wet hair back, smiling. “That was intense, bro. Reminds me of when I snuck into my friend’s grandma’s house and stole her underwear.” He said.
Lacey pulled off her mask and banged on the dashboard with both hands. “We freaking did it! We totally did it! And best yet; we didn’t get caught!” She said.
I wasn’t sure what to say; to be honest, I didn’t think it would have actually worked. But there I was, driving in my own car, with both henchmen. We had done it; we had stolen back the car from the government impound.
“Yeah, this is the freaking life. Ripping off the Man, riding down the road, looking for punks to knock down. Reminds me of my days as the leader of the Blurs. Mind you, I freaking hated being the leader of the Blurs, but there was still some fun aspects of it.” Lacey said.
For some reason, what she had said brought back this random memory; the one where we were being attacked by the East Side Butterflies. That was the first time I saw her. So I decided to ask her about it.
I took off my mask and said “hey, Lacey...”
She turned and said “yeah?”
“Do you remember the night that you lead the Blurs into the neighborhood on 20nd Boulevard and threw all those glass beer bottles at them?” I asked.
Lacey smiled and nodded her head. “Yep. I remember it like it was only 13 days ago.” She said.
“Uh...it was 13 days ago. Anyway; that house they were shooting at: that was my house. Those guys were attacking me and my homies. This same car was getting shot up in that shootout. Why were you there? You weren’t apart of that.” I said.
She glanced off into the distance, thinking hard. “Uh...well...my fellow gang members and I had just got done drinking, and we wanted to do some late night bike riding. But the bar we were at didn’t have recycling so we had to drive around until we found somewhere to recycle. But as we were driving down the boulevard, we heard the shooting. Now, we may be criminals, but we do value some lighthearted heroism every once in awhile. So we decided to ‘recycle’ them by turning them into weapons. Long story short, we broke them on their heads, knocked them out, ended the shootout. Cool, right?” She asked.
“Well...it did end the fight, and probably saved our basses. So...thanks for that, I guess. You got us out of quite the pickle.” I said.
She gave me a toothy smile, and for a second I thought she looked quite beautiful. Then she sneezed, and the clearly visible spray hit me right in the face. I gagged a bit and she lit up with surprise. “Oops! Hold on...” She decided to wipe my face with her sweaty rubber mask. So she took away the nasty snot but left the nasty sweat beads.
“The power of Christ compels you!” Kevin shouted.
“Kevin, you’re supposed to say ‘God bless you’ when someone sneezes.” Lacey pointed out.
“Oh...yeah, sorry. I forgot. Why do we say that?” Kevin asked.
I was going to go off on both of them, chastising Lacey for sneaking on my clucking face and Kevin being a total imbecile, but then I heard the muffled voice of a woman singing “it’s raining men! Hallelujah!” from my pocket. I pulled out my cellphone and checked the Caller ID. Dougman. I combed my mind, trying to remember what he was doing that evening. I recalled that he was going to meet up with that guy from the party. So I hit “answer” and place it against my ear.
“Yo...” I muttered.
“Hey, Red, it’s Dougman. You got the car, right?”
“Yep. They didn’t see me, we ran off with no casualties other than the gate I ran through, and as long as we hide the car in the morning and give it a nice paintjob afterwards, they will never know!” I said.
“Uh...alright. Good. Hey, listen, since you’re in your car, I need you to come meet me at the abandoned tenements over on West Street. I’m here at the Tungsten Toboggans hideout and I want to be backed by some homies just incase they try anything with me while I’m in there. I’ve already called Angry Steve and Jumbo Jim and they are on the way.”
“So wait, have you already gone in and applied to get the bomb?” I asked.
“That’s the thing: I haven’t. I talked to the receptionist and she booked me for 8, but there’s a bunch of these tough looking thugsters with Mac11s and Glocks standing around, smoking donkey tail. I just need you guys to be there incase they pull a gun on me in the middle of the interview.” He explained.
“Alright, I hope you don’t mind but I’m bringing Kevin Strokehard and No Face Lacey with me. I’d rather not drop them off at my house alone. And we should probably phone Roger too, just because I can’t fit all 6 people in my car alone.” I explained.
“No Face Lacey? So she decided to join you? Huh...wasn’t sure when she would decide to leave her room. But yeah, I forgot to tell you that she’s a total imbecile. Just like Kevin, oddly enough. She was angry about being hit with a truck at first but then she kinda cooled off after Jumbo Jim made her some brownies.” He said.
“Well aren’t henchmen supposed to be kinda stupid? I thought that was the whole theme... but yeah, I’ll be over there soon.” I said, then I hung up.
I glanced over my shoulder and said “hey guys...guess what: we’re going on another field trip!” They both raised their hands and cheered, and after that we rode off down the road. Little did I know shaving cream was about to get real.