HeavyLight: Chapter 2
So I passed out due to a concussion caused by an old lady’s cane. Not the best way to go out. When I woke up, I was in my bed, which is better than being in Jail which is where I thought I was going to end up. I can’t remember what happened after we got in the car and sped off with the cops chasing us, but as far as I knew, there weren’t any around. I was currently in my room, in my bed, with Angry Steve standing over me. That was the unusual part. Once my eyes were mostly open, he got in real close and shouted “Hey! Are you awake yet, man!?”
He triggered my panic response, causing me to panic. So I shouted a wordless exclamation and began to flail, which lead me to kick off the covers and fall out of my bed onto the carpeted floor. Angry Steve stood over me, staring down. “Dude...you alright man?”
“...Why did you have to shout that at me?!” I asked.
He shrugged. “I dunno but it worked. You’re awake, right?” He asked. I helped myself up off the floor, shakely returning to my feet. My head still ached and I was already pretty stirred up by Steve.
“What...what happened? Did we...evade the cops?” I asked.
“Yep. We outran them. It was a close call too; but we managed to get onto the highway just as it turn 5:30. Then traffic picked up and the cops got lost in rush hour. We came back to your Flat, stored all the guns in Old Man Tiffany’s shed down the street, and now the rest of the guys are waiting for you to wake up...” He said.
“How...long have I been asleep?” I asked.
“Boy, you ask too many questions! You sure you’re not a cop? Anyway, you were out for like 8 hours. We wanted to get you to the hospital, along with Dougman but...the po-po was chasing us. So we had to hurry up, lose them, and get back here. You know 9 year old Gretta from up the street? She helped get Dougman fixed up. That girl is a medical genius...well...then again all she did was put a bandaid on the bullet wound and kiss it afterwards. Besides that, I guess you could say...”
He pulled out and put his sunglasses on. “...Mission accomplished.” he said nice and calmly.
“No...no the mission wasn’t accomplished.” I pointed out.
It took him a moment to respond. He took of the glasses and said “Huh?”
“...Listen, just come with me. I’ll tell everybody. Come on.” I said, moving forward towards the door. He follows from behind like a lost baby duck but with more Street Cred. I open up the door and sharp light pours into the darkened room from the Living room which parlays into a kitchen in the back. Sitting on the couch is Dougman, who seems to be still recuperating from the leg wound. Jumbo is in the kitchen, baking some brownies. They both see me and frown, tilting their chins upwards in my direction. In case you don’t understand, that is the universal sign for “sup?”
“Guys...we screwed up.” I said.
“Screwed up what?” Dougman asked.
“What? ...What do you think? The Robbery! We messed up the robbery big time! What did you think I was talking about?” I yelled.
Dougman shrugged. “Technically, it wasn’t a failure because we learned from it and hopefully we can apply the knowledge in the future.” He explained.
I paused, considering taking the picture frame that was hanging on the wall of my grandma and bashing him on the head with it. But I held my breath and counted to four. One nearly fatal wound was probably enough for Dougman. So after I calmed down, I gestured to the dining room table by the kitchen counter. “Everybody to the table. Time for a house meeting.” I said. Dougman sighed and got up, using a broom as a makeshift cane for him to walk upon.
Jumbo Jim pulled off his oven mitts and sat in the chair closest to the counter, causing it to groan under his weight. Angry Steve wanted to be hardcore and jump over the couch before speedily getting into his seat. But he accidentally tripped over it mid-jump and fell on his face. We didn’t react because he does that all the clucking time. So he got up and sat down, brushing the carpet crumbs off his face. I took my position at the end of the table. After making sure I had everyone’s attention I began.
“Guys...we failed our main objective. Our goal was to get some cash. We ended up with two casualties and a getaway guy that never showed up. Speaking of which, where is he right now?” I asked.
“Who, Roger? I sent him a text, he said he would be coming in a little bit. He had to drop some stuff off at his Ex-Wife’s house.” Dougman explained.
“...but Roger’s Ex-Wife is dead...” I said.
“Really? Well, he told me he was heading over there, I guess I don’t really know why...” Dougman said.
“...Anyway, like I was saying. We failed. Now let’s discuss why we failed.” I said.
Angry Steve shot up and threw his chair across the room. “This ain’t AA, Witch! I We ain’t discussing nothing! And I ain’t gonna improve! Angry Steve is perfect in every way! That’s what my momma always told me.” He yelled.
“Sit down Steve!” I shout.
He glanced around awkwardly, headed to the back of the room, picked up his chair, brought it back, set it down, and sat down.
I seeped with frustration like a bleeding orange. “...Alright...so here is what went wrong. For one thing, not everybody was fully stocked with weapons. I know they are mainly for show, but one of us got shot. We hadn’t considered that before hand. Another thing is that none of us had any watches. We need a way to keep time. And lastly, we didn’t have a lighter.” I turned to stare at Angry Steve when I said that.
He glanced around. “...What? Why’s everybody staring at me?”
“...You were the one who was supposed to have the lighter. What did you do with those 5 dollars, man?” I asked.
“I spent it on a 5 dollar scratcher, bro. I didn’t have a penny so I used my teeth. You know how my lucky number is 12345? Well, the scratcher said 54321. I was so close, dude...” he muttered.
“So...basically, you spent my money on nothing. Way to go Steve...” I said, giving him the classic sarcastic slow clap. There was a ding in the kitchen. Jumbo Jim shot up out of his seat.
“Ooh! Brownie’s are done!” he said before lumbering into the kitchen. Dougman took the pencil he was chewing on out of his mouth and spoke up.
“Listen, brother. Even if we learn from our past mistakes, it’s not going to change the fact that we failed that heist.” He said.
I slam my hands down on the table, so hard it topples a cup of coffee which spills hot brown liquid all over the table top. “That’s not the point! Just because we failed this heist doesn’t mean we can’t try it again. Only this time, we gotta do all the stuff we didn’t do right last time. We got a chance to feel what it would be like; now we know what we are really up against. And the next time we do it, we’ll be better prepared. So we are going to go over what went wrong last time.” I explained thoroughly.
Dougman just sorta stared at me for a moment. Then he frowned and set his pencil down on the wet table. Jumbo Jim returned with the tray of brownies held in his mittened hands. “Hey guys, I got the good stuff! ...Why is the table wet?” He asked.
“Red slammed down on the table and knocked over my coffee. Now it’s dripping into my lap. Stings like crazy, but heck, it’s better than water dripping down there. It would make me feel like I wet myself. Anyway, are those pot brownies?” Angry Steve asked.
“Ah...no...they’re regular. I’m gonna...go get a towel or something...” Jumbo Jim said before setting the brownies on the counter and heading into the backroom. Dougman sighed angrily and rubbed his face hard in a circular motion.
“Well...first things first; we need someone who’s good with computers. Like someone who can shut off the silent alarm and keep the Police from spying in on us through the security cameras. Does anybody know any hackers?” Dougman asked. Everybody was quiet. after a moment or two, there was still no response. So I took a red permanent marker off the counter, pulled up my shirt, and wrote “1: Find a hacker.” on my stomach.
“Okay, next thing we need to talk about: when we first walked in, nobody seemed to notice that we were robbing the place. Why is that?” I asked.
“Uh...well...I’ve only done like 30 minutes of research online but...I read somewhere that the normally expected number of robbers in any given bank heist is six. Which means we needed like 2 more people to really be considered a threat. Either that or we need to run in and immediately start shouting. That’ll scare people. Otherwise if we just calmly walk in, people are going to think we just came from a Comic-con and hadn’t had the time to change out of our costumes...” Dougman theorized.
“Alright, THAT is ridiculous. But no idea is a bad idea in this collective brainstorm so I am going to write that down.” So I pulled up my shirt and wrote “2: get more people on our team" on my stomach.
“I say we cover ourselves in butter. That way, we can just squeeze underneath the vault doors. Who’s with me!?” Angry Steve said, smiling and holding his hand up for a hi-five. We just stared at him.
“Steve, I’m going to go back on what I said before. THAT is a bad idea. And I’m not writing it down.” I said. Steve looked upset for a second, but then he thought about it and then calmed down, nodding his agreement.
Just then, the front door opened and Roger stepped in. He began to take off his shoes, but for some reason he had wrapped several thick cables around his ankle and he had to undo all of them. I personally turned to stare angrily at him. I gave him that stare that, if my eyes could shoot lasers, they would burn a hole through his stupid denim jacket. For just a second, I glance over to see if anybody else is staring at him like I am. Angry Steve is licking the coffee off the table. Dougman was doing a sudoku puzzle. Jumbo Jim came in and sat down in his chair before saying “What did I miss?”
I got up and shouted. “Roger!”
He spun around and threw a water balloon right at me, striking me and exploding on my face. So I grabbed at my face and shouted and audible interjection of anger and surprise. After I wipe the water off my face, I shout “What was that!?”
He stood up and straightened out his jacket. “Sorry...I thought you were going to attack me. I used to carry a gun with me for that kinda of stuff but I didn’t have it with me. So I went and filled up a couple of water balloons instead.” He said.
“What? ...Why would anybody...whatever, it doesn’t matter. Where did you go this morning? You were supposed to be there to pick us up!” I explained.
“Well, first, I went back to Earl’s Bakery, because I kinda wanted a donut myself. I ended up falling asleep on the way back to the car; don’t ask why. When I woke up, I headed to the spot you told me to meet you at, but you weren’t there. So I figured you had run off with my gun. In a fury of hateful vengeance, I gave your watch to the first homeless guy I passed on the way home. Then I rode over to my Ex-Wife’s house, broke in, and ate dinner in her cellar...again...” he muttered.
“Dude...seriously, you need to get over that. She died like 2 years ago man. And before that, you two were divorced for 5 years. It's time to move on.” Angry Steve pointed out.
“You...gave my watch away? Well, I guess that’s alright because I dropped your gun back at the scene of the crime. So I guess we’re even.” I pointed out.
Roger nodded. “What goes around comes back around...”
I thought about it for a moment. “No...I don’t think that particular expression works in this situation...” I said.
“So what are we talking about?” Jumbo Jim asked.
I took a quick moment to get back on track. “Uh...we are talking about what went wrong in the Heist and what we can do better next time.” I explained.
“Well...we need legitimate explosives. After seeing how big that vault door was, I didn’t think our 5 sticks of dynamite were going to do that much. So we might need to find someone who knows how to make actual explosives. I might need to get online and start a forum or something. Maybe travel down south and meet up with my hunting buddies in the Mississippi hills.”
“Alright...you just proposed the two most opposite solutions to the problem. But they might work; I dunno. Anyway, let me write that down.” I then wrote “3: get better explosives” on my stomach.
Roger sat down and crossed his arms. “How do I know you guys aren’t going to bail on me this next time around?” he asked.
“Uh...if I recall, YOU bailed on US. Remember?” Dougman pointed out. Roger shrugged. “You could have atleast called me to tell me you guys were there.” He said. That’s how I remembered that we didn’t carry cell phones in either. So I wrote that on my stomach too. “4: get some disposable phones.”
Angry Steve suddenly shot up, anger blazing in his eyes. “Dude, remember that one movie where those 3 black guys and that one puerto rican robbed a bank? They were wearing body armor! That meant that when they got shot, it didn’t slow them down as much. Why didn’t we have any body armor?” He pointed out.
“Body armor is expensive, Steve. They don’t sell it at the local gun store either. We figured that just having guns would be enough of an intimidation. We also didn’t expect the security guard to shoot back. If he was smart, he would have realized that 4 against 1 isn’t the best odds. He would have made like a civilian and laid down on the floor.”
Dougman finished chewing up the pencil in his mouth, spit it out, and pulled out a third pencil to which he placed in his mouth. “Speaking of civilians, we needed some hostages. That’s like a fundamental principle of robbing banks.” He pointed out.
Jumbo Jim was busy reading a Tabloid upside down. “Yeah man, and none of this ‘no women, children, and old people' stuff. We need to take whoever we can get.” He said.
“But bro, ever heard of the phrase ‘honor among thieves?’ We gotta keep some honor in our system, man. Killing a cop is one thing, but the innocent must remain unscatched. Plus, I just don’t feel good about tying up some girl I don’t know. Makes me feel like a creep for some reason.” I said.
Roger reached into his denim jacket pocket and took out lollipop. He stuck the wrong end in his mouth, having the colorful part sticking out. “Why don’t we hire someone to play the hostage? They can be in the Bank before you come in, and when you are looking to tie someone up, you get him and tie him up.” He muttered.
Upon hearing this, I wanted to give Roger a hi-five for good thinking. But I didn’t want to touch his hands because now he was lathering them up with hand lotion. So I just settled for audible praise. “Roger! That’s a good idea! You get a gold star! Steve! Go put a gold star sticker on Roger’s chart.” Roger smiled, and Steve groaned. He got up and stomped off to Roger’s room, grumbling the whole time. “How come...he always gets gold stars...?"
In the meantime, I wrote “5: get some body armor” and “6: hire an actor” on my stomach.
“So...I think we have all the things we need down. More teammates, a hacker, some body armor, watches, and an actor. Oh, and more weapons. Let’s toss that in too.” Dougman pointed out.
Angry Steve came in and sat down. “How are we gonna spend the money?” He asked.
“Steve...we haven’t even finished planning. Let’s not count our chickens before they hatch. Because for all we know, one of the eggs could have been a goose egg and one of the other ones could be like a platypus and you can’t sell either ones to the traveling merchants because the local Lords of the land place trade restrictions on that kind of stuff.” I said.
Steve smiled and pointed at me. “I feel ya, dog.” He said.
“Alright, guys, so we have a plan for what we need. Now we need to split up, and over the next few weeks, let’s gather all this stuff together. We’ll meet back up periodically to discuss what we’ve got so far. Jumbo Jim, since you were in charge of finding explosives last time and you totally screwed up, you’re getting put in charge of finding our would-be-hostage.” I said.
Jumbo Jim nodded. “I’m good at that. I think. Maybe not, I’ve never been a talent scout for a role involving being bound and gagged.” he said.
“Dougman, you’re the guy we are counting on to be the businessman. Find out who knows how to make some real explosives.” I said. He nodded and took out a pad. He took the chewed up pencil out from between his teeth and began sketching notes.
“Angry Steve!” I said.
He stood up and saluted me. “Yes Admiral!”
“You’re in charge of finding weapons and watches!” I said.
“Ma’am, yes ma’am!” he shouted.
“Uh...Angry Steve...I’m a dude. You only say ‘ma’am’ when you’re talking to a woman.” I said.
Angry Steve paused and thought about it. “Huh...I guess that’s why I was kicked out of army bootcamp three years ago...”
I turned to the last person at the table; the infamous Roger. “Roger, since you’re the last person to get assigned something, I’m putting you in charge of finding us a hacker. I’m not sure how you’re going to do that; just figure it out. Join a social club or something. Get an account on a dating site. Whatever, just reach out to people and land us a good hacker. You got that?” I asked.
“...I’ll get around to it.” He said. But just the way he said it, I had a feeling that he wasn’t going to get around to it. But I’d worry about that later.
“Alright, I guess I’ll be the one who finds more teammates. So we have decided who does what. This is a good start! Now, it’s time to relax and have some brownies.” I said. Everybody threw their hands up in the air and cheered. So that evening we had some brownies. Then we all sat down on the couch and watch Terminator 2 for the 22st time. It was a pretty good evening, but we all knew that the future held much struggle from now on. In order to make this mission go the distance, we had to be prepared, determined, and awesome.