HeavyLight: Chapter 5
Getting back home was a hassle in and of itself. Taking my car would have been my prefered option, but unfortunately, it was now in the hands of the cops. I was glad that I had taken the crowbar out of the trunk and cleaned the blood off the floor, so if they do try and track it back to me, they won’t be able to track me back to that other crime I did. I was pretty sure they wouldn’t track us back through; the local coroner’s office is trying to be more eco-friendly so they no longer use those fancy machines that scan blood and skin samples. They rely more on old fashion initiative and spiritual advisors.
But that means we got out pretty clean. I may have lost my car, but I didn’t lose my life so it’s good to always look on the bright side of life. Our chosen mode of transportation was the bikes we got from those middle schoolers right outside the gas station. In order to lead the investigators off track, we stopped in the middle of a bridge not far from my Flat, and tossed the bikes into the river. After that, we glanced around to see if anybody was watching. The streets were clean. Angry Steve and I let out a sigh of relief and took off our masks.
“Dude, that was intense! We almost got our basses handed to us!” Angry Steve exclaimed.
“Yeah, but we didn’t. Because we’re still the best. Let me count up how much money we got.” I said, reaching into the plastic bag filled with greenbacks.
While I was counting up the cash, Angry Steve had received a call. He answer it saying “Who dis? ...Yo bro! What up? ...Alright....alright....naw, he’s gay, ain’t he? ....no? ...Must have been someone else...alright, I’ll tell him.” Angry Steve finished his call and put the phone back in his pocket. “Yo, that was Jumbo Jim. He said he stopped by his uncle Gumbo’s house and talked to him about getting some firearms for our next big hit.” He said.
“Jumbo Jim’s getting the arms? As I recalled, that was YOUR job, Steve.” I pointed out.
He shrugged. “It don’t matter that much. I still gotta get the watches, which I’m gonna do. Alright got yours so I’m 25% done pretty much. But he was just saying that his uncle heard about our Heist and offered to dig up his cache of military grade firearms so we can just stop by and get them anytime.” He explained.
“Alright, I’ll get around to doing that with Jumbo Jim. Anyway, I counted up the money, and it looks like we got 400 dollars here. That should be enough to get us through the week on top of the 250 I got from Wednesday's job and the 90 that Dougman got when he pickpocketed that old lady’s purse while helping her across the street.” I said. He seemed satisfied with those numbers.
We eventually walked all the way to my Flat. Now, there were still bullet holes in the walls and the bushes, but it wasn’t that big a deal to me. The cops showed up not long after we had tossed all those members from the Eastside Butterflies into the Canal to ask if there was a shoot-out on our street. I explain to them that it wasn’t a big deal; Angry Steve had purchased a brand new machine pistol and accidentally fired off a few rounds. The cops, who are big supporters of the second amendment were cool with that, and eventually left. So we got out of that one clean too, except for all the shattered windows I had to replace.
We entered the house and Steve immediately threw himself onto the couch. “Yo dude, it’s time to kick back, relax, and chug this 2 liter. I wonder if Uncle Ming’s house is on...” he said, picking up the remote and flipping through channels.
The door to the hallway that I never really use opened up and Dougman stepped out. He lit up when he spotted me and said “Hey, you’re home. Did you get the watch?”
“Yep, and we got 400 dollars out of it too.” I said, holding up the bag.
“Really? Great! I’m not going to ask how that happened. Anyway, there’s a few things I was supposed to tell you when you got home. Number 1; Jim is out at his...”
“Uncle’s house. I know already.” I said.
“Alright, well then number 2; David Pincher stopped by while you were gone.”
This alerted me. “David Pincher? From up the street? We already gave him back the weapons we borrowed from him. What did he want?” I asked.
“I don’t know. He just stopped by and said ‘good afternoon.’ and smiled really big, leaning slightly forward with his eyebrows going up and down. I said ‘yeah, it seems so. What do you want?’ and he said ‘nothing! Just...good afternoon!’ but he leaned forward and raised his eyebrows even higher, smiling stronger. Then he got this really smug look and left.” Dougman explained.
I groaned angry and covered my face with both hands. “Uuggh...he probably wants something. I’m going to have to go over to his house soon and figure it out.” I muttered.
“I’ll go with you. I got to get out of the house anyway, Roger’s taken up flute lessons, and now he won’t stop playing it. Speaking of Roger, he found our hacker.”
Upon hearing this, I removed the hands from my face and looked at Dougman. “Really? Is he here?” I asked.
“Yeah, Roger and the Hacker are in the back room, setting up all the stuff. You can go see if you like, otherwise I’m going to go make some oatmeal. I’m feeling like eating some hot chunky spit right now.” he said. I didn’t, so I decided to go see Roger. Now, the thing is, like I said, I own this Flat but I don’t use all of it all the time. I mainly use the Living room and the bedroom next to it. There’s a door on the other side of the living room that leads to a hallway which lead to three bedrooms and a bathroom. Now, there’s a door to another bathroom in the living room, so I barely ever actually use this hallway. In fact, last spring while I was doing spring cleaning, I discovered a homeless guy was just bunking in one of the rooms, and he’d been living there for like 5 months.
So I opened the door and entered the dimly lit hallway where I saw Roger standing next to an slightly opened door where light is shining through the crack. He was holding a flute and was about to press it against his lips.I raced up and smacked it out of his hand. Then I pointed a finger in his face and said “No! Not in my house!”
He just shrugged. “Everyone’s a critic...” he muttered.
“So Dougman tells me that you got us a hacker. Is this true or is he lying again?”
“Yes...my cousin happens to be a hacker and so we met up at Taco Barn and talked about this whole thing and now we are just setting up the stuff necessary to hack in this room. Well, I’m not.” He said.
“Oh, alright. So our so-called ‘hacker’ is now in that room, setting stuff up? I gotta see this...” I said, pushing open the door.
So at first, I thought that he had hired some snot nosed 20 year old with a potato shaped face who had fingers almost too big to type on a keyboard. If that was the case, I would have been okay with him staying in the back room provided I didn’t have to see his face. I also considered the possibility that he was ten years old, which I’d personally be pissed about because I hate kid hackers. One time someone hacked my credit card and used the money to buy ice cream. That was a kick in the taint when I realized that when I was his age, I was still learning my basic multiplication tables.
So I opened the door and I saw a figure dressed in a pitch black hoodie hunched over a table which was decorated in two televisions, three or so computer towers, and a plethora of wires. “Hey, so you’re the new hacker, right? Well, I have some rules and you...” I was trying to say. He turned around to look at me and I could finally see his face.
And, first off, it wasn’t actually a guy. It was a girl. That being said, she was probably the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen in my freaking life. And I’ve looked up on the internet “most beautiful woman in the world” and out of the thousands of pictures I’ve looked through, all those of incredibly gorgeous women, none of them were nearly as close to comparison as this lady.
Do you still not understand that caliber of beauty? It’s that face that makes you stop in your tracks when you see it, and all your data just corrupts on the spot. You’re dumbstruck and awestruck and lovestruck all at the same time. I just stopped there with my mouth hanging open. She stared at me with her emerald green eyes waiting for me to continue.
“Uh...yes? Are you...Red?” She asked.
All my data was corrupt, so I couldn’t open my mouth, but I could sorta move my chin up and down.
“Uh...hi. I’m uh...Marcy. I’m Roger’s niece. He said you guys needed someone to help you hack a mainframe to a bank?” She asked.
“...H...h...hi. I’m....Red....” I muttered.
“...Yes, I know that. But I’m saying that Roger told me that you guys needed a hacker. Now, I’ve work for criminals before, but normally the usual hiring process still applies. Now, do I have to...like...submit an application or something?” She asked.
I wasn’t really listening to her, I was just staring at her. Now, she was wearing a hoodie which most of the time kinda takes away from your appeal, but since her sleek black locks of clean hair where flowing out from around her neck, and the way her warm beige skin complimented the darkness around it, all that with shining green eyes, it just added to how awesome she looked.
“...You’re...hired....” I murmured.
She looked genuinely surprised to hear this. “I’m...hired? Already? Don’t I have to have like a...resume or something?” She asked.
I slowly shook my head. “You...got the job...girl. You just...do what you do...I’m gonna go...talk to...the guys...” I said, walking out through the bedroom door. I hurried to the living room to discuss this new revelation with the other guys. When I walked into the main room and closed the door behind me, I turned around and said “Guys, the new hacker’s clucking hot!”
Steve and Roger, who were both sitting on the couch, didn’t even look up. “Who? You mean Marcy? Yeah, I’ve seen her. She’s pretty.” Angry Steve said.
“Wait, you’ve already seen Marcy?” I asked.
“Yeah, I was at Roger’s first wedding. She was a bridesmaid. Anyway, so she’s like our hacker or something? That’s cool. I was worried you guys were going to make me take up learning a programming language and have me do the hacking. Man, don’t even know where the space bar is on the keyboard! How am I going to learn how to hack?!” Angry Steve exclaimed.
I ignored the later of his statement. Thinking about it, I realized that she was not only going to be our hacker, but she needed a place to stay. “Hold on, where is she going to be staying?” I asked.
Dougman was in the kitchen with his hand in a bag of cheese fingers. “Can’t she stay here? You’ve got a spare room for her.” He said.
“...Really? Here? With me? So we’re...gonna be like...sleeping...in the same house?” I said calmly, trying to hold the rising sense of panic.
“Dude, why are you acting all crazy all of a sudden? She’s just the hacker, it’s not like we’re living with a Private Investigator.” Dougman pointed out before stuffing a handful of cheese fingers in his mouth.
“...I dunno man...I dunno. It just feels weird. I haven’t roomed with anybody since college, especially not a girl, and certainly not one as gorgeous as she is.” I explained. Actually, in college, I roomed with Jumbo Jim. We never got more than 2 hours of sleep so as a result, we hallucinated a lot during college. When we went out at night to the bars, we would pick up these women and bring them back to our dorm room. It wasn’t until the next morning that we realized who we actually brought home. I can still imagine our surprise one time when we woke up and found a chicken and an old lady in our room. I’m still not sure which one I brought home that night.
Anyway, so yeah, I’ve had some weird experiences with having a roommate. But I’ve never roomed with a girl before. Right now, I didn’t want to think about it. So I shook the thoughts out of my head and addressed my allies. “Alright, it doesn’t matter now. We’ve got a hacker, so now we need to find some more muscle. How do we do that?” I asked.
After finishing the last handful of cheese fingers, Dougman crunched up the cellophane bag in his hands and tossed it at the trash bin. It bounced off and rolled across the floor but he didn’t seem to notice. “Well, we could either hand out flyers, or we could spread rumors street-style, or we could always use the internet.” He explained.
“The internet? How would we do that? There’s no sites for criminals looking for new jobs. At least none that I know of.” I pointed out.
“We don’t need a site just for criminals, man. We could always use a dating site. You’ve got a computer, right?” Dougman asked. I nodded and made my way to the kitchen. I hide an old laptop in my pots and pans cabinet just in case someone breaks into my house late at night and tries to steal something. Of course, if he does, and I wake up, I’ll shoot him right in the clucking mouth, but a lot of thieves are really stealthy. So it was either that or a really elaborate security system made of tin cans and marbles.
I pull it out and set it up at the folding table in the living room. Dougman and I sit down in front of it, waiting for it to fully turn on. “So...what exactly are we planning on doing?” I asked.
“We are going to sign up for TurtleDove.Net and write a personal ad looking for someone who’s really into stealing and crime.” He explained.
“Can’t we...like...get in trouble for that?” I asked.
“I don’t think so. It’s not like there are police going through all these personal ads, looking for people who are writing stuff that’s naughty.” He said. Though, I think that the cops are smarter than that. They probably write ads looking for potential criminals just like us, hoping we come to them. So I had to remember to be cautious when going into this.
“Uh, maybe we shouldn’t go right out and say that we are looking for criminals. Maybe we should try hinting at our real intentions.” I said. Dougman seemed to be okay with that plan.
Eventually the computer started up and we could get on the internet. It took some time to find TurtleDove.Net because Dougman forgot that it was actually called “TurtleDove.Org” and not Net. So that confused us. We ended up on a site that sold strange genetic abominations. They also sold CatAlligators and SnakeFish. But I didn’t even have a regular cat and fish, so I didn’t think I was ready to take the next step up.
But we found the site and right off the bat, I hated it. It was all pink and cute and not anything like me. A real dating site should have things like flaming backgrounds and heavy metal death background music and hyperlinks that make a screaming sound when you click on them. At least, that’s what I think it should possess. Anyway, we get to signing up. In order to retain our anonymity, we chose a pseudonym. In the space that said “write first name and last name,” I wrote “Chanticleer Passenger.”
“What...the Bell...is a chaniqlueer?” Dougman asked.
“I think it’s another name for a rooster.” I said.
“Why did you put it as your first name though?”
“I don’t know man, it was just the first thing that came to mind. I think that that was one of my aliases I used one time.” I said.
He didn’t push it any further. We continued on, answer every question we absolutely had to answer. Then we got to the part where we could write a personal ad. “Alright, now we gotta make up some stuff about us and then imply we are looking for someone to help us rob a bank. But we can’t be too sketchy sounding or overly emotional. So there will be no referring to destiny or fate or stuff like that. Where do we start?” I asked.
“Write down that we like peanut butter cookies.” Angry Steve said.
“...We’re not writing that. How do we start off the personal ad?” I asked.
“Say that we are 5 dudes looking to rob a bank and need an extra hand.” Roger muttered.
“Roger, did you not just hear me?! We can’t just come out and say we’re criminals! We have to weave around that point! But where do we start?” I asked.
“Hmm...we need a picture for our profile. Something that will grab people’s attention.” Dougman pointed out. I knew immediately the perfect profile picture. So on the way to the hallway door, I pulled Angry Steve’s digital camera off the table. I entered the hallway, took 6 or so steps down it, and opened Marcy’s door. She was sitting down, typing on a keyboard and staring into the blue yonder of the Television screen to her left. She glanced back at me when I opened the door.
“Uh, Red? Can I help you?” She asked. I quickly pointed the camera at her and snapped a picture.
“Hey, can we talk about my pay?” She asked. I closed the door and began heading back to the living room.
Once inside, I held the camera up above my head triumphantly. “In this camera contains the face that can sink a thousand ships!” I said.
“I think you mean...launch a thousand...whatever, it doesn’t matter. Let’s upload the picture.” Dougman said. So we uploaded the picture of Marcy and set it as our profile picture. After some quick personal brainstorming, I thought of something to write as an ad. I slapped my hands together and said “Alright, I’ve got it. Write this down; young, smart, attractive college student seeks man or woman who values responsibility, isn’t afraid to break the rules, likes to party, can take a punch, and can work in a team.”
“...Not bad, not bad at all. But what do you mean by ‘likes to party?’” Dougman asked.
“Well, if they like to party, chances are they’ve done cocaine before. And that’s illegal. So I’m just reinforcing the whole ‘can break the rules’ thing. Anyway, what else should we write?” I asked.
Dougman stroked his lack of a beard in thought. “Well, if we get a hit, and someone wants to meet us, they’ll be expecting Marcy. What will they think when they are expecting an incredibly hot college student to show up and see 4 dudes that look nothing like her approaching them? Here, let me write this in...” Dougman said.
And here’s what he wrote: “Looking to have a good time but is very shy. Would prefer it if friends met potential love interest first before I do.”
“Hmmm...I dunno, feels kinda like a red flag. But with Marcy’s face, anybody could overlook that minor detail.” I said. Dougman nodded and applied the personal ad to the site.
Angry Steve drummed a few notes on the table with his hands. “Alright, what now?” He asked.
“Now...we wait. Someone will eventually hit us up with a message. In the meantime, we got stuff to do.” I said, getting up from the chair and making my way to the door.
“Uh...what are we doing?” Dougman asked.
“Well, you and I are going to run over to David Pincher’s house real quick and find out what he wants. You brought your mom’s car right?” I asked. Dougman nodded.
“Alright team, let’s roll out...Angry Steve, since you’re the only person here who has been known to defile property quicker than an exploding pig carcass, let me lay some ground rules real quick. No eating, no smoking, no peeing on the carpet, don’t touch Marcy, don’t even talk to Marcy unless she speaks to you first, don’t throw up on my walls, don’t go into my room, no loitering, and please don’t set off fireworks in my house. As for you Roger, no flute playing. We’ll be back in a few.” I said.
Steve groaned angrily and took a seat, slumping in his chair. Roger just sorta shrugged and went back to watching Uncle Ming’s House. We stepped outside and into the light of the afternoon sun. And from there, we walked into the next chapter toghether.