Chapter 10 JOURNALING
Today our English teacher gave us each a journal and said we must make an entry every day. It doesn’t matter when, during school, out of school, whenever, as long as it’s every day and at the end of each week we need to turn in the journals to be inspected for grading. Now, that’s something I can do. Marney will be very proud of me. I’m finally doing my homework. It’s easy too because we have journal topics and we have to use one each time. Piece of cake.
Journal Topic #1 I’d like to say a good thing about-
I’d like to say a good thing about journaling. I think journaling will be fun and inspire me to do something. Maybe Ms. Harper will be happy that I’m finally doing classwork. My sister Marney always says she wants me to do something with my life. This could be a good place to start.
Marney is my sister but she’s also my best friend. I haven’t had a friend, a real friend, since I left school last year. I depend on her. Just the other day, she got a job and I am really scared about it. She works all the time after school now, so I don’t get to see her so much.
I’m not that close to my parents because they’re not like me. I’m not like them. I sometimes feel like I’m not like anybody.
Journal Topic #6 When people get angry they should-
When people get angry they should write to their senator or their parents or to their teachers, whoever they are mad at or whoever is in charge of the situation they are mad about. I realize this is something I should do now. Because I’m angry. If I was angry about war, I would write to the president. But I’m angry about other things.
I am angry about Marney’s accident. I’m angry about the bills piling up on Fred and Jane’s desk which make them angry and I’m angry about Marney getting a job which takes her away from me. I’m also angry that at lunch today they didn’t have any chocolate dessert left. I feel cheated. I paid the same amount as everyone else and I didn’t get the dessert, which means one of two things: they either didn’t order enough or they gave someone extra. Favoritism makes me angry too. Maybe I should write to the principal.
I wrote a letter to Jane and Fred and told them how I felt about them arguing:
Dear Jane and Fred,
I don’t like it when you argue.
P.S. I also don’t like that Marney has to work. I am lonely.
I left the letter on the kitchen stove where Jane would see it as soon as she walked in the door. She always goes to the kitchen as soon as she gets home because she needs to cook right away. Which reminds me, I wonder what Marney eats now that she’s not home for dinner.
Like clockwork, Jane got home and she must have been switched on like a robot because before she knew it, she’d turned the stove on, lighting my letter on fire and burning half of it before she even woke up out of her daily routine.
“Samantha Lane Ferguson!” was what I heard next.
I ran into the kitchen.
Jane was holding up a half burned letter. “What is this?” she asked me.
“It’s a letter.”
“I know it’s a letter. What’s it doing here on my stove?” she demanded.
“I knew you’d find it there. It was important and I wanted you to see it right away,” I replied innocently.
“Samantha, you’ve got to think.” She knocked her fist on her head. I really hate that. It makes me feel stupid. Who’s the genius here, anyway?
“Well, how the hell was I supposed to know you would burn it instead of reading it?” I said, not so innocently.
“Samantha! Do not use that tone with me, Young Lady. It just so happens, I did read it.”
She read it. Just the paper got burned not the words. “Oh good, then I don’t have to write it again. Can I use the paper?” I reached out for it. “I want to make a treasure map for Marney.”
“I will discuss this letter with your father when he gets home. For now, you need to go to your room and do your homework,” she insisted, taking the paper, folding it and placing it into her apron.
“Already done,” I lied.
“Let’s see it then,” she uttered, knowing full well the falsity of my statement.
I pointed to my head and said, “All up here.”
“That’s not done. Go to your room. Finish your homework and don’t come out till it’s done. If it’s not done by dinner, there will be none.”
Jane was sure angry.
Well, if I wanted to eat, then I had to get my homework done. But the truth of the matter was, I wasn’t hungry. I smiled. I don’t need dinner.
Journal Topic #42 If I could be invisible I would----
If I could be invisible I would ride on top of cars and make people wonder what’s holding their hoods down. I would walk into airplanes and fly off to different places. If I could be invisible, I would sneak into the places who send those bills to Fred and Jane and I would delete our address from their files. Then I would walk into my favorite frozen yogurt shop and get the biggest cup of frozen yogurt with all the chocolate sprinkles I wanted and walk out while everyone in the place ran for their lives shouting, “Ghost!” That would be hilarious.
But most of all, sometimes I already feel invisible. I have no friends, except for the people who want to cheat off my tests at school and the entire dweeb table at lunch. I mean sure, they sit with me, I sit with them. But, they never say a word. No one talks to me. Not even the brainy nerds. Do I intimidate even them?
What’s worse is the fact that I want to be invisible. I think life would be better if I was anonymous. Instead I’m this freak of nature, a tiny body with an adult thinking mind. I try to be invisible, especially in the bathroom. But to those girls, no one is out of their radar. Even if they pretend not to notice you, they notice you. They know you one way or another. They will know not to affiliate with you at all or they will know to tease you or they will know to get downright nasty crazy beyotch on you. Maybe I should erase that. But, I’m sure you’ve heard worse, Ms. Harper. So, I’ll leave it in. What kind of a world would it be anyway, if I agreed with self-censorship?