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Kurt the Kleptomaniac

By itsnotnatural All Rights Reserved ©

Other / Humor

Untitled Chapter

"A guy (Kurt) sits on a chair in a spotlight illuminating only him. Another spotlight illuminates another man (The Narrator) who stands at the side closer to the audience."

"Lights go up and it is revealed that the guy (Kurt) is in a group meeting arranged in a circle and that the other is not part of the scene so it is assumed that he is the narrator."

1st Man: ...And that is why I'm here.
Councillor: Okay, that went well. Anyone else? How about you, sir? Would you like to introduce yourself?
2nd man:Well, um... uh...
Narrator: Go ahead say it.
2nd man: M-my name is Kurt a-and I have a problem.
Everyone: Hi Kurt.
Narrator: Say hi to the audience Kurt.
"Kurt turns his head toward the crowd and says hi."
Councillor: What was that?
Kurt: N-nothing.
Councillor: What is the problem that warrants you coming here?
Kurt: Well umm... I-I steal stuff.
Councillor: Would you like to expand on that?
Kurt:Ummm...
Narrator: Say your a kleptomaniac.
Kurt: I'm a kleptomaniac. I steal stuff because I need to.
Councillor: Why do you need to?
Kurt: It's... It's an urgent feeling I get when I pass something I like. I feel like I need to have it.
Councillor: What do you steal?

"Scene freezes"

Narrator: Therein lies the problem. What does he steal? Of course stuff you normally wouldn't bother with. But they are not small things. Let me give you an example. Let's say he's visiting someone's house. He walks upstairs to use the washroom and he feels the banister in his hand. It feels nice and smooth. He looks down and to anyone else it's just a stick of wood you hold yourself up with but not to Kurt. To him it is a work of art as he inspects it, looks for details, enjoying the craftsmanship of it and ultimately... he gets overexcited about it. He tries to steal it immediately by ripping it off. He gets caught and kicked out of the house. So what's his problem? He's a kleptomaniac who steals big, useless things. You can imagine how that sits with his wife. Anyways, back to the scene.

Kurt: I take lots of things.
Councillor: Like...
Kurt: Like uh, let's see, ummm... doors, fences, windows, stair rails, uh... tabletops...

"Everyone looks at him slightly dumbfounded as he continues listing."

Kurt: And even a kitchen sink.
Councillor: Okay... thank you for that. Anyone else? No? Well then, I'll be seeing you all next week. Bye!
Narrator: Now, was that so bad?
Kurt: I guess not. It felt good.
Narrator: That's because it's supposed to.

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