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You're Out of This World, Vivian!

By Tristan Blake Lotz All Rights Reserved ©

Humor / Scifi

Chapter 13

“Your Majesty, are you awake?!” Köflõяtæț’s voice exclaimed through the door as he pounded on it with his gargantuan fists.
“Owh!” exclaimed Vivian as she jumped out of her sleep. “Yes,” she said. “I’m awake.”
“Excellent,” said Köflõяtæț. “Just come out when you are ready, and I will escort you to the meeting room so that we can begin laying out our new government.”
“Okay,” said Vivian. She put her dress back on, made the bed, and walked out the door, where Köflõяtæț was standing in attention, waiting for her.
“Did you not try on any of the clothing in the dresser?” asked Köflõяtæț.
“I’m a summer,” said Vivian, “so I don’t really look good in… space armor…”
“As you choose,” said Köflõяtæț.
After walking a while, they reached the meeting hall, where the Incredibly Old Space Master was waiting, looking as though he had lost some mass overnight.
“Köflõяtæț,” said the living fossil, “why is the princess not wearing the ceremonial space armor?”
“She says that she is a summer,” replied Köflõяtæț.
“Summer?” asked the space master, perplexed. “Is that some strange Earth religion that prohibits the wearing of space armor?”
“No,” said Vivian, “I just don’t like wearing space armor.”
“You are the princess, so it is your choice,” said the space master ambivalently.
The “court” meeting began, being attended by the space master, Köflõяtæț, and Vivian—who may well have been the only inhabitants of the planet with the really difficult name. Vivian was seated at the highest podium, with the space master sitting second-highest. Köflõяtæț remained on the floor—not that it much mattered, due to his height.
“Your Majesty,” said Köflõяtæț, “as the future Queen of the restored Intergalactic Empire, you of course can offer any input you want in the founding of our government.”
“Well,” said Vivian thoughtfully, “if we’re gonna rule the entire universe, we’re gonna have to make people really want to be part of our country… I say we provide universal healthcare!”
“What in the name of the slaughtered inhabitants of Beta-7 is universal healthcare?” asked Köflõяtæț.
“In my country back on Earth,” said Vivian cheerfully, “we have a system wear if anybody needs to go to the hospital for any reason at all, the government pays the bill for them, so nobody is left out.”
“But how does the government pay for it?” asked the ancient space master.
“Every citizen pays a special tax,” explained Vivian, “so that everyone pays for everyone else.”
“Why should I care if some Wookiee gets a broken snout?” demanded Köflõяtæț angrily.
“Because it’s a nice thing to do,” said Vivian.
“NICE?!?!?” exclaimed Köflõяtæț. “Your Majesty, never in its proud, bloodthirsty history, has the Intergalactic Empire even contemplated wasting time trying to be nice to people! We have always fought, killed, and plundered our way to the top.”
“Well that’s not nice…” said Vivian.
“Oh great,” yelled Köflõяtæț, getting frustrated, “she’s been conditioned to wussy Earth customs—I bet she flinches at the idea of genocide, too.”
“What’s that?” asked Vivian.
“It’s when you go on, and kill off an entire race so you can take their treasures and resources,” said Köflõяtæț, a look of hunger in his eyes.
“This isn’t fun anymore,” said Vivian, (finally) realizing the Empire’s true colors, “I’m going home now.”
“You can’t go home,” said the ancient space master, “you have to be queen of the Empire!”
“Oh yeah,” said Vivian, “well I declare a republic!”
“You’re going to be queen,” said Köflõяtæț viciously, “and you’re going to like it—”
Just then the door burst open and a group of what looked like space-Mounties burst in.
“Not so fast, Köflõяtæț and Incredibly Old Space Master!” said the one in front.
“NO!!!” screamed Köflõяtæț in what sounded like a combination of rage and fear.
“You’re under arrest for conspiracy to overthrow the government, countless war crimes and crimes against the Galaxy, Köflõяtæț” said one Space-Mounty who promptly arrested Köflõяtæț.
“As are you, Incredibly Old Space Master,” said another Space-Mounty.
“You’ll never take me alive!!!” said Incredibly Old Space Master, who then leapt from his podium and turned to dust upon hitting the floor.
“Who are you guys?” asked Vivian.
“We’re from the Galactic Commonwealth,” said the lead Space-Mounty. “After the Intergalactic Empire was overthrown by two brave scientists who shot the capital with a singularity bomb, the Galactic Commonwealth was one of the successor states that arose in the universe’s new found freedom. We’ve been rounding up the last remaining leaders and officials of the Intergalactic Imperial Government and been putting them on trial for war crimes, and these two were the last of them.”
“So you guys don’t like genocide?” asked Vivian.
“Nope,” said the Space-Mounty. “We even have universal healthcare.”
“YAY!!” squealed Vivian happily. “So can I go home now?”
“Of course,” said the Space-Mounty, who promptly shot Vivian with a bizarre ray gun.


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