"…and my mom and dad have never been able to look at the Trans-Canada Highway the same way again," said Vivian, concluding her story. Christine was speechless.
"I… I… how… what…" Christine stuttered in bafflement, trying to figure out which question to ask first. "Viv, why does your family always get into such weird situations?"
"I dunno," shrugged Vivian, "we just kind'a do."
"Hey, what time is it?" asked Christine.
"Uhh," said Vivian, spinning around to look at the clock on the wall, "3:12."
"Oh man," said Christine, "I gotta get to work! See ya, Viv."
"Bye, Christinee-weeny!" said Vivian as Christine headed toward the exit. Vivian went back to trying on dresses.
Vivian spent the next hour or so trying on all kinds of cute clothes: a lovely blue sweater that matched her eyes, a jean miniskirt, a gorgeous pastel green dress made of wonderful soft silk; she was in heaven!
Finally, Vivian chose a lovely yellow cardigan, leather boots, and a cute blue nightgown with a daisy pattern, and checked out. She then left the mall.
Vivian was in the parking lot, headed for the bus stop so she could ride home, when suddenly a ten foot tall man wearing space armor jumped out from behind a dumpster and scared her!
"AAAAGGGHHH!" scream Vivian in (understandable) fear at the giant monstrosity standing before her.
"Are you Vivian Clemmons?" asked the behemoth.
"Uh… yes?" said Vivian, shaking so badly that she dropped her shopping bag.
Suddenly, the giant man bowed before her, and said, "Your majesty."
"What…?" asked Vivian, totally confused now.
"Let me explain," said the enormous man. "I am Köflõяtæț; I will not bother telling you the name of my homeworld, because you could neither hear it nor pronounce it, as you have neither the proper antennae nor a blowhole that spits gamma rays. My current planet of residence's name, however, can only be pronounced as a bloodthirsty war cry at midnight."
"Uh…" said Vivian, unsure of what to make of all this.
"Could we please go someplace more… stable?" asked Köflõяtæț.
"Uh, sure, I guess…" said Vivian
Vivian took Köflõяtæț to the stadium of Sir Wilfred Laurier Secondary School, as it was a Saturday afternoon, so the place was deserted. They sat on the bleachers.
"So, you're from a planet with a really hard to pronounce name and stuff?" asked Vivian.
"Yes," said Köflõяtæț, who was crushing the bleachers.
"So, what does this have to do with me?" asked Vivian.
"Vivian Clemmons," said Köflõяtæț, "you are the last living heir of the dynasty that once ruled the Intergalactic Empire."
"You mean I'm a princess?" asked Vivian, eyes widening.
"Yes," said Köflõяtæț.
Vivian brightened up instantly. "Oh my gosh! I'm a princess! I can't believe it! I've always wanted to be a princessandnowitturnsoutthatIreallyamaprincessomyg oshthisisadreamcometrueICANTBELIEVEITIMSOEXCITEDTH ISISSOFANTISTICWAITTILITELLCHRISTINEEWEENYTHISISTH EBESTESTDAYOFMYWHOLEENTIRELIFE—"
"SILENCE!" barked Köflõяtæț. "So: you are a princess, and I am supposed to take you back to the capital planet of the Intergalactic Government in exile, and—"
"What's the Intergalactic Empire?" asked Vivian.
"Let me tell you…" said Köflõяtæț.
"The Intergalactic Empire was once the greatest force in the known universe. It controlled 38 galaxies, 698 octillion planets, and had over a googol soldiers. We took whatever we wanted and ruled over every last miserable creature that inhabited the local cluster. It was ours—ALL OURS!
"The Intergalactic Emperors and Empresses—your ancestors—ruled the Empire for 940 trillion years, until one day when everything changed…"
"What happened?" asked Vivian.
"About 622 trillion years ago, a group of scientists on some puny backwater farming planet discovered how to create a bomb that could create a singularity that could destroy an entire planet down to erasing the individual atoms from existence by moving each one to a different universe. They got the bright idea to place it atop a missile and launch it at the capital planet of our empire, destroying our government and allowing all those puny planets to go free and do as they please without fear…
"But you, Vivian Clemmons, with you, we can return the Intergalactic Empire to its former seat of glory, and retake ALL THOSE PUNY PLANETS AND PUNISH EVERY LAST INHABITANT OF THEM BY FORCING THEM TO EACH PUT THEIR FIRSTBORN CHILD ABOARD A SPACESHIP TO BE CRASHED INTO A STAR AND SHOT WITH AN ION BEAM TO DESTROY THOSE PUNY MAGGOTS DOWN TO THE VERY LAST PRIMAL ELEMENTS!" at this point, Köflõяtæț's face was redder than a ripe tomato and he was breathing very heavily.
"Are you okay, Köflõяtæț?" asked Vivian, putting her hand on Köflõяtæț's side. "I think you could afford to take some anger management classes."
"I am fine, really," said Köflõяtæț. "Anyway, with you, Vivian Clemmons, we can restore the Intergalactic Empire to its former glory. So please come with me."
"Hmmm…" said Vivian, mulling it over for a moment, "okay, why not? Let's go!"
"YES!" Said Köflõяtæț, who indicated his rejoice by setting his hands ablaze with his FyreFist technology.
"Oooohh…" said Vivian, in awe of the fist-fire.