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Rebecca: Are you talking about that Amish guy who works at radioshack? Peter: No. What? No. Okay so I'm not too good at the whole "Explain the shit you wrote" part. But I'll try. So Peter is a freshman in College, Oh you need more information? Okay, fuckin uhhhh, he likes this girl and it's totally not a generic romance story tbh. Uhhhh Josh and Rebecca are his best friends and they try there hardest to be amazing side characters. They all live in the suburbs because I got tired of writing about living in cities and shit. AAAAAAnd yeah, read it. it's pretty good. Best thing I've ever wrote tbh, and I worked like a prostitute sucking her first dick to make this every line in this story funnier than the last. Hope you like it. Thanks for reading through that btw, I love ya, you big, sexy, hot chocolate.

Humor / Romance
2.7 3 reviews
Age Rating:

I was writing for a long time. I guess this is act 1


Teacher: Can anyone tell me what X equals to? (6 people raise their hands)

Peter: (Puts head down and tries to hide behind the big guy that sits in front of him. The big guy drops his pencil) *whispers* don’t pick it up, don’t pick it up. (Big guy picks up his pencil, Peter is in plain sight of the teacher)

Teacher: Peter Kind, would you mind telling me what X is equivalent to?

Peter: Come on! Would that make you feel better about yourself? hm? you knew i didn’t know but yet you call on me? I was putting my head down, hiding behind this guy for a reason. so you won’t look at me and call me by my first and last name for some reason. If you knew I didn’t know, how about you call on someone who does know?! like, I don’t know, the six people who actually had their hand up! That would’ve saved me some embarrassment and the people who didn’t know, like me, would’ve had the fucking answer!

(peter snaps out of his day dream)

Teacher: Peter Kind, we’re waiting...

Peter: Sorry sir, I don’t know

Teacher: Maybe if you payed attention more, you would get these answers right for a change.

Peter: Sorry...

(bell rings)

Teacher: the answer was 189, don’t forget your homework over the weekend.

(Peter walks out of class, meets up with his friend)

Josh: Peter! hey.

Peter: Hey Josh.

Josh: Dude, you remember that cute Mexican sweetheart? always comes to school on time, always wearing her nerd glasses, nice to people and shit? Well, last night we went the whole nine yards, and let me tell you something, she’s no sweetheart. We went crazy last night, the bed was flipped over, broke a couple lamps, this rash on my back is fucking carpet burn. (girl walks away in disgust) and this scar, I don’t even know where this thing came from. And all the while she was talking dirty in some kind of spanish. I have no idea what she said but it was amazing. It sounded like I was being sacrificed or something.... it was awesome.

Peter: Dude, you have to stop it with the sex stories in school. You just scared off poor Jeina. And besides... (Looks both ways) *whispers* I’m a virgin.

(crowd of people walks by laughing at him)

Peter: how the-

Josh: what’s your point?

Peter: My point is I rather not talk about sex with you at least until I lose my virginity

(crowd of people walks by laughing at him)

Peter: Do these people wait for me or something?

Josh: More importantly, what are you waiting for? There’s too many girls in this school for you to still be a virgin (Peter looks around).

Peter: Yeah, but none of them want me.

Josh: What about Jenna?

(Peter looks at Jenna, Jenna waves excitedly. Peter waves back weakly)

Peter: I don’t know.... She’s not really.... I don’t think she’s that into me.

Jenna: Hey Peter! (Peter jumps and turns to Jenna) I noticed that you ran out of the lotion that you like, I got you another one. (Hands the lotion to Peter)

Peter: H...How do you know-

Jenna: I saw you ran out of it in the boy’s locker room.

Peter: How.... nice. isn’t that nice Josh?

Josh: (looks up from his bag of chips) what?

Jenna: So Peter. I hear there’s this party today. how about we go!? (Peter tries to protest but gets cut off) We can get tipsy, not too drunk where we won’t remember the next day, but just enough to feel good. Then we can dance and hold each other close. I can start talking about my cats and past relationships that ended badly for them, and you can talk about how you want to do better than that slut Cindy that you used to go out with and realize that I’m the love of your life and we move in together and start a family and die old together, holding hands because we can’t bare to be away from each other..... (beat)

Josh: He’d love to!

Peter: What the fuck?!

Jenna: Really? It’s going to be amazing! I’ll get ready right now! (runs off)

Peter: What the fuck?!

(Josh keeps munching on chips)

Peter: What the fuck?!

Josh: What?

Peter: I’m not doing it!

Josh: Are you really going to say no to a girl asking you out?

Peter: Jenna’s asking me out, dumbass! Jenna!

Josh: Okay picky, listen. Do you see anyone else jumping at the opportunity to go on a date with you? Much less asking you out on the damn thing?

Peter: Well...

Josh: Do you see any other girl who took the time to get to know you as much as she did?

Peter: That’s because she’s stalking me!

Josh: Do you want to lose your virginity? (Peter stutters, Josh mimics him) I said do you want to lose your virginity?!

Peter: Yeah...

Josh: Then say it.

Peter: I want to lose it.

Josh: What do you want to lose?

Peter: My vir(Mumbles)



(crowd of people walks by laughing at him)

Peter: Motherfu-

Josh: Then take the date like a man and take Jenna to that party.

(next scene) (Peter’s house)

Rebecca: Do not take Jenna to that party!

Josh: What? Why?

Rebecca: You can’t just take a girl out on a date because you want to have sex!

Peter: It does feel a little wrong.

Josh: Wha- look, it’s not like she doesn’t want you to be with her.

Rebecca: But he doesn’t want to be with Jenna. It’s cruel to lead her on like that. How did you let this idiot talk you into this?

Peter: (Silently) He’s a pretty good motivator.

Josh: Fine, but what about Jenna? He’s gonna break her big heart

Peter: I guess I’ll just tell her.

Rebecca: Good idea.

Josh: Bad idea. We all know how crazy she is.

Rebecca: If you knew that, why in the world would you say he’ll go?!

Josh: To get laid!

Peter: Hey! Hey! It’s fine. I’ll go to the party, tell her gently, and then leave.

Rebecca: Cool... Is it a pizza party?

Josh: Oh, good idea. If they have pizza, get that for us.

Peter: Really guys?

Rebecca: What? You’re going anyway.

(Peter walks out) (Next scene)

(Peter walks to the front door of the party, knocks on the door. Jenna opens)

Jenna: Peter! come in!

(Peter walks in, and nobody’s there, just a very neat house with some classical music playing)

Peter: Um... what’s going on? I thought there’s going to be a party.

Jenna: (Angry) There was suppose to be, but I didn’t think you’d say yes so when you did I had to get everything ready in a hurry. But for some reason nobody showed up.

Peter: (fearful) I wonder why

Jenna: (Cheerful) Sit down, I’ll get you something to drink. And I’ll make some sandwiches.

Peter: Um.(Jenna walks in the kitchen, peter calls josh on his phone)

Josh: Hey Peter, what’s-

Peter: *Whispers* Remind me to fucking kill you when I get out of this!

Josh: What? What’s happening?

Peter: There is no party! Just a insane lady making me a sandwich probably made of the last victim she killed. A house in the middle of buttfucking nowhere, no pizza, no witnesses. I’m surprised the ceiling and walls doesn’t have spikes coming out of it slowly closing in on me as I sit here eating my human fucking sandwich. what is even more surprising is there is no hole in her living room that leads straight to Satans flaming asshole! Although it might be covered by carpet.

Josh: (beat) What are you saying?

Peter: Get me out of here!

Jenna: What’s that? (She walks in the room holding a plate of sandwiches and a glass of juice. Peter hangs up)

Peter: Nothing, I was just sending a voicemail.

Jenna:(Angry) A voicemail? (Peter shifts uncomfortably) who were you sending a message to? who is so important that you had to call them while I was in the kitchen slaving over a tuna sandwich for you?

Peter: Nobody.

Jenna: (Cheerful) Good. here’s your sandwich.

Peter: thanks... so what are we going to do while we’re- oh.(Jenna gets closer to Peter, Peter backs up)

Jenna: Let’s do something... a little... bad. (Get’s closer, Peter backs up more)

Peter: Like eating a tuna sandwich? I think that’s bad enough, I feel guilty eating the tuna.

Jenna: I’m thinking something way worse. (Moves in closer, Peter backs up more)

Peter: I don’t understand, I’m hungry, I just want to eat right now and I feel a little bit like you’re not hearing- (Peter falls on the ground trying to get away from Jenna, and then Jenna jumps on top of him, knocking the wind out of him) you’re heavy-

Jenna: Let do this (Leans in to kiss him)

Peter: WAIT! WAIT! (Peter Pushes her off of him and stand up. catches his breath)

Jenna: WHAT?!

Peter: I.... need to tell you something.

Jenna: Right now?

Peter: Yes! (sighs) look. When you asked me out on a date today I didn’t say-

(doorbell rings)

Jenna: Ugh, hold on. (Jenna opens the door) WHAT?

(A mob of people are outside of her front door. They all barge in and started playing music and dancing and drinking. They were having a party in seconds. Jenna tried to stop them.)

Jenna: Peter! I’ll get rid of them, hold on!

(Peter left as soon as she turned around to stop them)

(Peter was walking really fast and got a call from Rebecca)

Peter: Hello?

Rebecca: Did it work?

Peter: You sent the crazy mob of people that started that party!?

Rebecca: Yeah, turns out all you have to do to have people go to your party is have some naked chicks.

Peter: Remind me to kiss you when I get home! you’re the best.

Rebecca: just get the fucking pizza and we’ll call it even.

Peter: Deal.

(Pizza shop) (Peter walks inside)

Peter: Hello?

(A girl walks from the back and goes behind the counter. Peter stands there staring at her. mouth open. she was beautiful. he couldn’t say anything for what felt like hours. She looked at him and he closed his mouth. They stood there looking at each other in what turned into awkward silence.)

Girl: Um... are you going to order or...

(Peter looked around and pointed to himself and mouthed ‘me?’)

(The girl looked around, nobody else was in the pizzeria at 11:00pm)

Girl: Yeah, you.

(Peter walked up to the counter and didn’t say anything)

Girl: So are you ordering or should I start learning how to read minds?

Peter: Well... I... there... um- I.... um.. do you...? no no no... um-

Girl: pepperoni pie with a two liter soda?

Peter: Wow... you can read minds. (He said laughing nervously)

Girl: Here you go sir, hot and ready. and.... here’s your two liter Pepsi

(Peter nodded his head while making a weird thank you noise and turned around. he was just about to leave until the girl said)

Girl: Um. The money.

(Peter turns around, awkwardly laughing and giving her the money. he turns around and tries to leave when the girl said)

Girl: Are you sure you’re ok?

(Peter turned around and nodded his head while making another weird noise and walked out. he walked about a block, put the pizza down, paused, then started yelling off of the top of his lungs)


(Peter took a deep breath and sat down next to the pizza)

Peter: huh.... so I... can talk....

(Next scene) (Peter’s apartment)

(Peter slams open the door)

Rebecca: Why is your ass covered in leaves?

Peter: Hey, nothing. I got lost

Josh: You lived here since you were five.

Peter: It was dark, do you want pizza or not? (Beat)

Josh: yeah sure, (feels how cold it is) I’ll put it in the oven.

(Peter looks at Rebecca nervously after wiping the leaves off and sitting down)

Peter: Hey Rebecca.... do you know anyone who just moved into town?

Rebecca: Ugh, are you talking about Rodger? This old man who strikes up weird conversations with everyone that he sees? Yesterday he asked me if I “see it” and I’m like “see what” and he’s like “Not (what), (It)” and then he laughed and walked off.

Peter: No, not him.

Rebecca: Are you talking about that Amish guy who works at radioshack?

Peter: No. What? No, it was a girl.

Rebecca: .... nope, no girls.

Peter: Oh (He puts down his head)

Rebecca: Oh wait! As a matter of fact, I thought I heard there was this new girl in our school named Amber but I didn’t meet her or anything.

Peter: Hm..... (Peter contains his smile)

Rebecca: Why do you want to know anyway?

Peter: Hm? Um...

Josh: Dinner is ready! (cough, cough)

Rebecca: Fuck! I knew I shouldn’t have let you heat it up.(Rebecca walks into the kitchen) You cooked the shit out of it!

(Peter Chuckles) (Next scene)

(Peter, Josh, and Rebecca are in the library)

Josh: what do you got for 18?

Peter: I got 7

Rebecca: Wait, we’re on math right now?

Josh: Oh shit, dude. look at her.

Peter: who?

Josh: 4 o’clock.

(Peter looks and sees that it’s the girl from the pizza shop. his mouth drops)

Josh: The things I would give to have 5 minutes alone with her.

Peter: Holy shit.

Josh: Holy shit is right my friend. Hold my drink.

Peter: dude wait!

Josh: Dibs.(Josh walks over, Peter sighs)

Josh: Hey.

Girl: Hey.

Josh: Are you a Jedi? (She stares blankly at him) Because if you are you might feel the force awakening in my pants. And call it a New Hope but if you are willing to, I’d be more than happy to let your Empire Strike Back against it.

Girl: (beat) Did you just refer to my vagina as the Empire?

Josh: ...yes?

Girl: You... should never talk to girls.

Josh: Was it the Star Wars reference?

Girl: You called my vagina the most evil thing in the galaxy.

Josh: Not a fan of the Empire I take it. (she walks away from him) It’s the best movie out of the three! It was supposed to be a compliment! (Whispers) shit.

(Josh goes back to the table with Peter and Rebecca)

Rebecca: You tried the Star Wars line didn’t you?

Josh: Don’t

Rebecca: I told you it was shit.

Josh: Just don’t.

Peter: I’m gonna go to the bathroom. Be right back.

(Peter walks off and looks for the girl he saw at the pizzeria, he finds her on her laptop. He stays frozen in place not knowing what to say and realizing that the feeling from the pizzeria was coming back with a vengeance. He couldn’t move, talk, breathe, or think. He would have told his friends about her but he knew exactly what they would say [Josh: Dude, just talk to her. Don’t be a pussy. chicks hate pussies. unless they’re lesbian. And you don’t want a lesbian girlfriend. They’re impossible to please.] [Rebecca: Awe, you should tell her. the worst she can do is say no.] he was thinking that both would be extremely bad. he’s nervous enough. He doesn’t need- oh shit she’s looking his way)

Girl: Uh... hi.

(Peter waves. He thinks [say something you idiot!])

Peter: Hi

Girl: (Closes laptop) i know you from somewhere don’t I?

(Peter remembers the Pizzeria)

Peter: No, that wasn’t me.

Girl: Oh...

Peter: So, you have a name? (‘YOU HAVE A NAME’!? I MIGHT AS WELL KILL MYSELF NOW!)

Girl: No, it’s just a set of numbers. my owners don’t think names are important when your job is assassinating people. (Peter looks very confused, she laughs) Just kidding. you obviously really know how to talk to girls.

Peter: Ah sarcasm, nice.

Girl: t’is my specialty. You may call me Amber.

Peter: M’lady Amber, (bows) Splendid day we’re having.

Amber: Indeed. (Stands up and curtsies) What might I call you kind sir?

(Peter and Amber laughs at themselves being stupid. Peter starts to feel calmer, realizing that behind that intimidating beauty was a charming girl. Weird, just like him. He smiles)

Peter: Peter.

(She smiles back and they stand there for a moment staring at each other. they notice and laugh)

Peter: ...Hey, do you... are you thirsty?

Amber: What?

Peter: I mean, um.. if you are I could get a drink for us. Wait not ‘a’ drink, we would have two cups. you can get a separate cup, and I can get a separate cup and we could drink separately, together and maybe talk.

Amber: A date?

Peter: (Peter thinks before he talks this time) Do you wanna get a drink?

Amber: (Thinks about this) Sure.

Peter: (Surprised) That’s... great. Let’s go (Chuckles)

(Goes back to Josh and Rebecca)

Josh: Hey Becca. Why don’t you have a boyfriend?

Rebecca: Why are you so random?

Josh: I was just thinking. Every guy that has ever asked you out, you told them no, as far as I know. At first I thought you were lesbian and you just needed a scissor sandwich, but you never had a girlfriend either.

Rebecca: I’m not a lesbian, and that’s not true, what about Mike?

Josh: You were in middle school when you went out with Mike.

Rebecca: Wow really?

Josh: Yeah, you broke up with him because he was going through his goth phase.

(Flashback to his goth phase)

Rebecca: Oh yeah... I don’t know.

Josh: You don’t know?

Rebecca: (She looks at him, then thinks before talking) I don’t know. There’s always been something preventing me from... going for it.

Josh: Like what?

Rebecca: (Beat) Is that Peter?

(Josh turns and sees Peter and Amber walking out of the Library laughing. Josh turns to Rebecca)

Josh: Did he just... get the girl that turned me down?

Rebecca: Awe, he looked happy.

Josh: Yeah (beat) wasn’t he our ride?

Rebecca: (Realizes this) Shit.

(Next Scene)(coffee place)

(Peter and Amber sit there. Peter drinks Juice while Amber has a coffee in her hand)

Amber: So when you said ‘get a drink’ you meant coffee.

Peter: And orange juice. I don’t drink coffee.

Amber: You’re very strange, you know that?

Peter: ...Well I-

(Waiter comes over)

Waiter: Hi sir, here’s your soup.

Peter: thanks.

Waiter: and your chicken wings for the nice lady.

Amber: Thank you very much.

Waiter: Enjoy your breakfast.

Peter: You too *whispers* shit.

(Waiter walks away)

Amber: So, Peter Parker, is it?

Peter: Nope, Peter Kind

Amber: I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a last name like that.

Peter: Well what’s yours?

Amber: Heart

Peter: Amber Heart?

Amber: Don’t you dare start joking.

Peter: No, no, it’s beautiful..

(Amber turned red. Smiled and cleared her throat)

Amber: So do you wanna leave and show me around town?

(Scene skips to them outside, walking towards a bridge)

Amber: Okay so if I understand you correctly, you’re saying that you’re a giant pussy?

Peter: Batman can beat Superman! If anything, Superman is a pussy. How does a green rock make you weak?

Amber: Superman has super speed. He can beat Batman up before he even takes it out.

Peter: all he has to do is be around kryptonite to feel the effects.

Amber: Nerd

Peter: ow, low blow.

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